by Various
The Sly Way in Which Prohibition Works.
A week or two ago a well-known dealer in live stock of this city wentover to Washington County to make a deal with a big stock raiser, who isalso prominent as a strict Prohibitionist. The cattle having beeninspected and the price agreed upon, the Washington County man retiredto the house to make out a receipt and so on, leaving the Pittsburgherin his son's hands. As soon as the old man had disappeared indoors hisson, a bright lad, nearing his majority, said to the Pittsburgher:
"This is rather dry work talking all day, ain't it?"
The Pittsburgher vehemently assented.
"Well," continued the young man, "I've a bottle out in the haymow, andwe might as well get a taste of the stuff while dad's not by."
The Pittsburgher said "yes" again, and the two repaired to the haymowand looked upon the contents of the black bottle. Then the youngWashingtonian hid the bottle in the haymow, saying as he did so: "Don'ttell the old man anything about this--he's awful down on drinking."
Of course the Pittsburgher vowed silence as he smacked his lips and leftthe barn. Two minutes later he was in the house paying over the money tothe old stock raiser. After the business in hand had been dispatched andthe bargain had been closed the Pittsburgher was about to take hisleave, when the old man said, rather awkwardly: "Say, are you feelin'dry? I've a jug down in the cellar, and the liquor's fine."
It is hardly necessary to say they were soon in the cellar. As the oldProhibitionist drained his glass he said to his guest: "Don't saynothing 'bout this to them boys o' mine--they don't know about the jug!"
--_Pittsburgh Dispatch._
His Last Resort.
Mrs. Smalltalk (two minutes later)--Well, doctor, why in the world don'tyou look at my tongue, if you want to, instead of writing away like anewspaper editor? How long do you expect I am going to sit here with mymouth wide open?
Physician--Just one moment more, please, madame; I only wanted you tokeep still long enough so that I could write this prescription.
--_Somerville Journal._
How She Told the Latest Joke.
Mrs. Jason came home the other evening with her face "wreathed insmiles," as the novelists have it.
"Well, what are you grinning at?" was the cordial greeting of her lordand master.
"I heard something funny down town," she answered.
"Well, what was it?"
"Oh, nothing much. I happened to meet little Johnny Figg, who used tokeep the apple stand across the way, you know, and he's got a better onedown town now. I asked him how he was getting along and he says to me,'Oh, I'm still keeping a stand, you see.' I thought it was the cutestthing I had heard for a good while."
"Oh, you did, did you, Maria? If I ever see where the laugh comes inI'll try and smile, even if I have to get up in the middle of the nightto do so," was his crushing reply, to which she deigned no answer.
About two o'clock in the morning Mr. Jason was awakened from a dream ofbeing stabbed by a masked assassin, to find his wife energeticallynudging him below the fifth rib.
"Oh, Jehiel, I had that wrong," she twittered, in a tone of one who hasmade a great discovery. "Johnny said his business was at a stand still.You see the point now, don't you?"
"Yes, I reckon so," said the old man in no gracious tones, "and if Ifeel the point of your infernal elbow jabbing me in the ribs any moreto-night I'll go to sleep in the barn. Do you hear?"
"And he didn't laugh either as he promised to," was her reflection asshe settled down to sleep again with the sweet consciousness of dutyperformed.
--_Terre Haute Express._
On General Principles.
Weather Bureau Chief (to assistant)--Well, what's the forecast forPennsylvania?
First Assistant (looking perplexed)--Very confusing. There's a fallingbarometer in Lehigh, a rising one in Lancaster, easterly winds in Berksand----
Chief (pettishly)--Oh, well! make it "showery," then.
--_Philadelphia Inquirer._
His First Shave.
This is a momentous event in a boy's life, as it is to him the line ofdemarcation between boyhood and manhood.
The microscopic indications under his chin are becoming annoying to him,and he considers it a duty to society to have them removed withoutdelay.
He has already made several surreptitious attempts with his father'srazor, to the great detriment of both the razor and his face, andalthough he succeeded, in a measure, in removing the obnoxious down, yetit was with the unpleasant accompaniment of some of his chin. Thereforehe determines to do the thing in a manly way, and resolves to submit tothe barber's delicate manipulations without delay.
It takes him some time to muster up the requisite courage to enter thebarber's shop, as he has certain misgivings that the barber mightindulge in facetious and satirical remarks concerning his beard.
He passes the shop many times and looks in; but his heart sinks withinhim. There is always some drawback--either too many people inside or toofew; in either case of which he thinks he will be noticed. Once he doesenter; and one of the barbers venturing the inquiry, "Hair cut, sir?"involves him in delightful confusion, and to avoid furtherembarrassment, he submits to having his hair cut, and still remainsunshaved.
At last, in sheer desperation, he makes a very firm resolve either toget shaved that day or never. With this heroic resolve, and twopence inhis hand, he sallies forth to the barber's, and at a favorable momentwalks in and tremblingly awaits his turn.
The sharp, short "Next!" sends the blood thrilling up his backbone, andhe feebly climbs into the chair, and hurriedly says, "Shave me, please,"and shuts his eyes.
The barber, with an eye to the twopence, says nothing, and proceeds toshave him, figuratively speaking. There is only one drawback to theboy's cup of happiness, and that is the entire absence of thatpeculiarly pleasant rasping sound which comes only from a longexperience.
--_Liverpool Post._
The season has come again when a fine string of fish in the hand isworth two dollars out of pocket to the man who didn't catch the fish.
--_Albany Express._
Considering how little the bell knows it is wonderful how much it hastolled.
--_Merchant Traveler._
HE DID NOT GET THE ORDER THOUGH.]
MR. RETIRED POLITICIAN (to Society Artist)--Now you are sure you canmake a good likeness of me?
SOCIETY ARTIST--Oh, yes; you see yours is a very simple face--er, er, Imean to draw, you know.
A great deal of fault can be found with a defaulter.
--_Pittsburgh Chronicle._
Two Kinds of Accompaniment.
Policeman (to street musician)--Have you a permit to play on thestreets?
Itinerant Musician--No.
Policeman (making him a prisoner)--Then accompany me.
Itinerant Musician--With the greatest pleasure. What do you wish tosing?
--_Fliegende Blaetter._
A Sure Sign.
Husband--I guess Sarah and that young man that calls on her are engagedby this time.
Wife--Why do you think so?
Husband--The gas bills aren't as large as they used to be.
--_Yankee Blade._
A Fair Estimate.
"Have you ever tried, Lawrence, to estimate the height of my father'sregard for you?"
"No, but it occurred to me last night that it was about a foot."
--_Glens Falls Republican._
Didn't Intend to Hit Him.
"Did you intend to hit this man when you shot at him?" asked
the Judge.
"Did I ten' to hit 'im?"
"Yes."
"No, sah; if I had 'tended to hit 'im I would 'er tuck a club."
--_Merchant Traveler._
Eager for Absorption.
Citizen (to tramp)--Poor fellow! You look as if you had been in thesoup.
Tramp (half famished)--For heaven's sake, tell me on which side to openmy mouth.
--_Burlington Free Press._
There is nothing novel in the announcement that Mrs. Chamer hasabandoned literature. Amelie's literature has always been more or lessabandoned.
--_Omaha Bee._
A FOOLISH QUESTION.]
LE SAWFT--Why, captain, what in the world is that flat boat for?
CAPTAIN--That is for use