by Various
handy tohave in the house. No, my idee is that we can keep it in the fam'lyanyhow."
"How's that?"
"The old woman, you see, she's a rip-snortin' Republican, powerful so,reg'lar uncompromisin'. If Cleveland gets it I stay; if Harrison slidesin the old woman comes to the front for her reward. Nobody else wantsit, so there we be."
"Well, you're all right then."
"You bet we are. If we get tired of it or too old for it, or anythingever, there's my boy, a red-hot Republican, and my oldest gal, Democratfrom 'way back. Oh, we're hustlers in our fam'ly when it comes topolitics."
"But suppose the Mugwumps should develop power some day and carrythings?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, "we will soon be fixed for that, too. The baby is aMugwump--I know it 'cause he howls all the time. If you see anybodylookin' for p'ints on keepin' a good thing in the family jess send himout to Shingle Corners."
--_Wasp._
But They Read of It.
Mr. Porker (of Chicago)--Talk about enthusiasm in your city over thefair! Why, I'll venture to say that there are some people in New Yorkwho haven't even heard of it.
Mr. Gotham--Well, if there are, they must be the inmates of the deaf anddumb asylum.
V.S.
Oklahoma Hotel Rules
1. If the bugs are troublesome you'll find the kloroform in a bottle onthe shelf.
2. Gents goin' to bed with their boots on will be charged extra.
3. Three raps at the door means that there is a murder in the house, andyou must get up.
4. Please rite your name on the wall paper so that we know you've beenhere.
5. The other leg of the chair is in the closet if you need it.
6. If that hole where that pane of glass is out is too much for you,you'll find a pair of pants behind the door to stuff in it.
7. The shooting of a pistol is no cause for any alarm.
8. If you're too cold, put the oilcloth over your bed.
9. Caroseen lamps extra; candles free, but they mustn't burn all night.
10. Don't tare off the wall paper to lite your pipe with. Nuff of thatalready.
11. Guests will not take out them bricks in the mattress.
12. If it rains through that hole overhead, you'll find an umbrellaunder the bed.
13. The rats won't hurt you if they do chase each other across yourface.
14. Two men in one room must put up with one chair.
15. Please don't empty the sawdust out of the pillers.
16. Don't kick about the roches. We don't charge extra.
--_Spokane Globe._
Electricity Will Do Away With All This.
"I suppose this is my noose suit," laughed the condemned criminal whenthe jail warden brought him his clothes on the morning of the execution.
"Why," replied the warden, "you are as jolly as if you had been taking adrop."
"I'm going to take one by and by."
"Come, come," said the warden, seriously, "this is no time for joking."
"Why not?" asked the culprit, "ain't the whole thing going to end in achoke?"
--_Boston Courier._
A Bitter Reflection.
Oh why so sad, my lady fair? What pales thy cheek and dims thy eye? Thy drooping face is mark'd with care, Thy heaving breast betrays a sigh. What lacks thy lot to make it sweet? What joy is there that is not thine? What makes that heart in sorrow beat And gives of happiness no sign?
"Ah, woe is me! I loved a youth, Handsome in face, and brave and strong. The paths of honor and of truth Were his, for he could do no wrong. Two years ago he sailed away To seek his fortune o'er the seas, And I've been yearning every day That he'd return his love to please.
"But ah! I've waited long in vain For my old sweetheart to return; No message came across the main From him for whom my soul did yearn. Until to-day, when I am told His ship is due to come in port; He comes back worth a pile of gold, At least, so says the last report."
Then why repine, sweet maid? You should Be overjoyed to hear the news; You soon will wed a husband good, How can you, then, this grief excuse? The lady answer'd. "Would you know Why tear drops from my eyes now fall? To tell the true cause of my woe, I--married--some--one--else--last--Fall."
JOHN S. GREY.
The buckwheat crop this year takes the cake over all former seasons. Itwins by a mere scratch, however.--_Philadelphia Press._ Some door jambslook as though there had been a good deal of scratching in former years.
C. A. M.
The man who is given to sober reflection seldom gets into a tight place.
--_Boston Courier._
The owner first breaks the race-horse; then the race-horse proceeds tobreak the owner.
--_Washington Capital._
Dr. Brown-Sequard's new elixir of life is made from dogs, probably someinfusion of bark.
--_Toronto Globe._
A Mistake at Table.
"Will you pass me the butter, please?" asked a stranger of a snob at arestaurant table.
"That's the waiter over there, sir," was the supercilious reply.
"I beg your pardon," remarked the stranger. "I did make a mistake."
"You're only adding insult, sir," broke in the snob; "nothing couldinduce me to believe that you mistook me for a waiter!"
"Certainly not," returned the stranger. "I mistook you for a gentleman."
--_Detroit Free Press._
Answering the Question.
Hotel Clerk--Is there anything that I can do for you?
Seedy Man--Yes, sir, you can loan me five dollars.
"But I'm not going to do it."
"No! I didn't think you would. I merely wanted to answer your question."
--_Merchant Traveler._
How Appearances Deceive.
A portly citizen left a Woodward avenue car at High street betweenshowers yesterday, but was hardly on the sidewalk before he beganyelling and beckoning at the car.
"It's agin orders to stop except at crossings," observed a passenger onthe rear platform, as the conductor reached up to the bell-rope.
"Yes, but he has probably forgotten something."
"Well, let him get it when the car comes down. I have no patience withforgetful men."
"I guess I'll stop, anyhow."
"It's a shame to do it."
The car was stopped and the man came running and puffing to call out:
"Left my five dollar silk umbrella in the car."
"Yes, and here it is. I was keeping it for you!" replied the individualwho had opposed a stop.
"Thanks. You are an honest man. If there were more men like you thiswould be a better world to live in. Here--have a cigar."
--_Detroit Free Press._
One Idea of It.
Farmer Railfence--Just think, Maria! Squire Hawkins has built himself athirty-thousand-dollar house, and I'll be blamed if he's got any decentglass in the whole of it.
Maria--What's he got, Ephraim?
Farmer Railfence--Paper says stained glass from cellar to garret. Niceglass, Maria, wouldn't have cost but little more than a lot of worthlessstained stuff.
--_Rochester Budget._
WEIGHT WILL TELL.]
ANCIENT MARINER--Yes, mister, it was just down there the _Mary Ann_wrecked.
DOODLE--Aw'
me boy; sit down and tell me about it.
A Truthful Statement.
Yank Yahoo (to jeweler from whom he has just purchased a rolled plateengagement ring)--Naow, Mr. Jewelryman, what had I orter say when I putthis 'ere ring on Mandy's finger? Dew I say "I ring yer," "I rang yer,"or "I rung yer?"
Jeweler (repressing a smile)--You should say "I wrong you."
--_Jeweler's Weekly._
A Controlling Feature.
Brown--The facial features plainly indicate character and disposition.In selecting your wife were you governed by her chin?
Jones--No, but I have been ever since we married.
--_Omaha World._
A Jersey