by Syd Parker
Sawyer coughed and wiped the tears from her eyes. “That has a bite to it. You drink this on purpose?”
“Believe me, I didn’t always like it. However, when we bought the house, the realtor was so excited to show us the wine cellar that David and I decided to try it out. We started with sweet whites. David’s taste never grew up. I guess he never grew up either.”
Sawyer followed Bellamy into the living room and sat down on the opposite end of the couch. “Some of us never do.”
“Us?” Bellamy’s eyes registered consternation. “You’re not a thirteen-year-old boy trapped in a woman’s body, are you?” She knew David had issues that went far beyond his eternal youthful outlook on life, and she made allowance for that. She blindly hoped that Sawyer didn’t share the same blasé attitude.
Sawyer sipped her wine as she contemplated her response. “Let’s just say I have an appreciation for having fun. I work hard and play hard. If being attracted to a beautiful woman like yourself indicates I’m possessed by a randy teenager, then my answer is yes.”
Bellamy choked on her wine and wiped her mouth quickly. She had one question answered and not the one she’d been hunting for, but the reply satisfied her equally as much. She bowed her head demurely, willing away the heat in her face.
“I see you don’t take compliments well.” Sawyer held her glass between her palms, loosely rolling it between them as her eyes bore into the top of Bellamy’s head. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I meant it sincerely.”
“No…” Bellamy shook the apology off. “You’re right. I don’t. Attention has always been hard for me, even when I was married.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess I prefer to be a wallflower.”
“A flower is still beautiful.”
Bellamy tilted her head and looked askance at Sawyer. “Do you always have a line?”
“Is that what you think it is?” Sawyer set her glass on the coffee table and leaned toward Bellamy, who fought the urge to sink back into the couch. “I happen to find you very attractive. Is it a crime to say so?”
“No, it’s just…” Bellamy ran her finger along the edge of her glass nervously, willing her eyes not to travel the length of Sawyer’s muscled legs. “I’m straight.” The words tumbled out of her mouth even as Bellamy prayed they were true. Resolution hadn’t been one of her strong suits, but there were reasons she couldn’t let herself believe that she was anything but straight.
The corner of Sawyer’s mouth curved up. “No one said you weren’t.” She settled back against the couch and dared Bellamy to hold her gaze. “In addition to being young at heart, I’m very forward at times; more so than I should be.” Sawyer tried to hide her discomfort behind her glass. Very few things rattled her, but Bellamy Carter managed not only to unsettle her, but make her feel like her world was spinning upside down. That would be a welcome feeling if they were spinning together, but Sawyer got the distinct feeling she was in the whirl all by herself. “Methodist?”
“What?”
Sawyer gestured toward the dining room with her glass. “You prayed before supper. I was just trying to figure out which Bible bangers had you by the proverbial balls.”
Bellamy smiled and rolled her eyes at Sawyer’s petulance. “Southern Baptist. I assume from your irascibility that you do not subscribe to a higher power.”
“I don’t subscribe to dis-organized religion. I can’t abide by a group of people that use the Bible to justify certain wrong behavior, all the while condemning someone else. I believe in a just God that loves everyone.”
“Ah.” That was where Sawyer and Bellamy did not see eye to eye. Nor men who have sex with men will inherit God’s kingdom. Bellamy’s mind zeroed in on the one scripture that she’d struggled with her whole adult life. There was no room in God’s heart for wrongdoers; at least, that’s what she heard her pastor say from the pulpit on regular Sundays. “Were you ever religious?”
“My mom is a Jehovah’s Witness. I spent every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday sitting in a church listening to someone’s imperfect rendition of the word of God. My dad isn’t religious at all. I don’t think he was an atheist, but he had no use for another man trying to tell him how to live his life. My only respite was my dad, when he was around, and baseball. Baseball more than Pops. Before he retired, he spent most of his time on the road. I think it helped keep my mother’s constant preaching out of this head.” Sawyer thought reminiscently of her childhood. Her father had missed more games than he made. It took her a while to reconcile the hurt he’d caused as a child with the man she knew now. Fortunately, after he retired from his over-the-road job, they had managed to strengthen their relationship again. “Wanna know something funny? I actually almost got married.”
“You did what?” Bellamy eyes registered shock.
“Yeah, I did. I thought it was the right thing to do. I was taught to grow up, marry another Witness and keep fighting the fine fight together. The closer the wedding date got, the more I realized the fine fight I was fighting wasn’t his fight. Mine was with myself. I’d known since I was four that I was different. I’d always wished to be a boy. Growing up, that was the only way I knew that I could marry a woman. I didn’t know about gay or lesbian – I just knew I was not like everyone else. I fought it. I tried to force myself to believe that I could be this person, but I could choose not to live that way. I was wrong. I was horribly depressed. I contemplated suicide, because I was certain death was better than living a lie. I hated life. It took a long time, but I was finally honest with myself and with him. I broke off our engagement, left the church and all the friends I had, without so much as a good-bye. My mom refused to speak to me the first two years. She finally came around, and we have a very good don’t ask, don’t tell relationship now.”
“That’s horrible. I can’t imagine not speaking to Kevin.”
“Even if he were gay?”
“I…” Bellamy stopped, letting the words sink in. She believed she would still love her son, but would her Bible let her? Even more importantly, would her Bible let her love herself if she were honest and admitted the truth she hid all these years? Would Kevin still love her? She hated that the answer was so convoluted. She hated that something in the world could make her doubt herself so infinitely. “I would like to think so. He’s my son.”
“Remember those words if you are ever faced with a situation that pits your heart against the Bible. I can tell you those two years after I came out, and even the next fifteen, sucked. I’m all about thou shalt not murder, but somewhere along the way, someone OD’d on Jesus juice and it’s been all downhill since.”
Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh. She appreciated Sawyer’s candor, despite her jaded opinion of religion. She was intrigued by the journey that Sawyer had taken, that led her to where she was today. “What about you? Did you struggle with being out after a lifetime of being taught it is wrong?”
“Mm, most days I am okay. There are times I still ask myself if my fate is hell. How can I not? Lesbian or not, I’m no saint. You always hear people say there’s a special place in hell for sinners like that. That kind of BS tends to stick with you. Those are the days I go hike or go for a long ride and remind myself that a loving God wouldn’t create such a wonderful place to live and only share it with certain people. I have to believe that what’s in here…” Sawyer pointed at her heart. “…is what’s important.”
“That’s it? Being good is what will get you to heaven?”
“Let’s not get into that conversation. The J Dub’s think a whole lot differently about ever-after. Suffice it to say, I do believe being a good person is everything. I might be gay, but I’d rather be gay than some two-timing womanizer who beats his wife then tries to make up for it on Sunday. I’ll take my chances that your Pastor’s interpretation of a few scriptures in the Bible is a bit skewed.”
Bellamy let the words sink in. She realized Sawyer was in a place she may never be. It made her ache more ac
utely than she ever had. Sawyer awoke feelings in her that Bellamy didn’t want to face. She made her want things she shouldn’t. Never in her adult life had Bellamy longed for something with such fierceness that it left her breathless. All her life she felt as though the skin she was wearing wasn’t hers. Bits and pieces along the way had hinted at who she was, but Bellamy had been able to walk away from those. This time was different; this time, something primal roared from within and Bellamy knew the fight might do her in. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Your honesty. It’s refreshing.” Bellamy bit her lower lip apprehensively. “I need you to not be so forward with how you feel about me.”
“I don’t understand.” Sawyer searched Bellamy’s eyes and saw something familiar; something that reminded her of herself, but realized that Bellamy was only at the beginning of her journey, while Sawyer’s had long since passed. Still, she didn’t think Bellamy would appreciate Sawyer bringing attention to it. “I’m sorry, Bellamy. I didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know what?” Bellamy lifted her chin defiantly.
“My being gay. I didn’t realize it bothered you so badly.”
“You don’t bother me.”
“No, but who I am does. I will not do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. Please don’t let this affect Kevin’s chances of coming to Delta. After your visit, we won’t need to see each other as much. And I can make reservations at a hotel near the campus for you.”
Bellamy’s heart dropped. Being in Sawyer’s presence made her feel alive, even if she wasn’t ready for it yet. She didn’t want to pull away. She wanted to be near her, if even as a friend. She wished the new ache in her chest wasn’t so painful. Bellamy saw the hurt in Sawyer’s eyes, and hated herself for putting it there. She leaned forward and slipped her hands over Sawyer’s. “I’m sorry. That came out all wrong. I…it’s just you make me nervous. Nothing you could say would make me steer Kevin away from your program, if that’s what he wants. And I would like to stay with you if the offer still stands.”
Sawyer pulled her hands away from the warmth of Bellamy’s and clasped them in her lap, dutifully ignoring the waves of pleasure that pulsed through her body. “The offer stands. However, I give you my word; I will not say or do anything to make you uncomfortable. I know the score.” Sawyer sat up straight and set her empty glass on the coffee table. “You were right. It did grow on me. Thank you for a lovely night and for putting up with me. It was nice to get to know you and Kevin better.”
“I’m glad you came. It was nice meeting you. I can tell Kevin adores you already. You’ve always been his favorite.”
Sawyer bowed her head in appreciation. “You should be proud. You raised a fine young man. I’m going to take off. I’ve worn out my welcome, and I’ve got an early start tomorrow.”
Bellamy stood up just as Sawyer did, their bodies brushing together lightly. Her breath caught and she licked her lips nervously, avoiding Sawyer’s questioning glance. “You can never wear out your welcome here.”
“I can’t?” Despite Sawyer’s earlier vow not to say or do anything to make Bellamy uncomfortable, her eyes dropped to Bellamy’s full, inviting lips. Her heart tripped in her chest as she imagined how soft they were. Sawyer forced herself to back up, breaking the spell between them.
Bellamy’s heart hammered, and she was sure Sawyer could hear it. “No.” She stammered breathlessly. “You are welcome anytime.”
“I’ll remember that.” Sawyer smiled appreciatively. “Okay, I’m really going now.”
Bellamy followed Sawyer to the door, admiring the way her baseball shorts clung to her lean, muscled bottom.
“So, I’ll call you about next weekend.”
“Sounds good.” Bellamy shut the door behind Sawyer, hoping that when she was out of sight, the desire for her would be too. Bellamy leaned her back against the door and shut her eyes. Nothing could have prepared her for Sawyer Evans, and Bellamy knew enough to realize that she was in trouble.
Chapter Four
Sawyer shielded her eyes against the bright afternoon sun. She waved as Bellamy turned into her driveway, a pleasant flutter in her stomach reminding her of her fondness for Bellamy. It had been a month since Sawyer met the Carters, as the next weekend trip had been postponed several times due to work commitments and Kevin’s baseball schedule. Fortunately, the evaluation period for NCAA recruiting extended through November, though Sawyer now considered them friends. Their relationship had continued outside of Sawyer’s official visits. She tried to remind herself that Bellamy was a student’s mom. She knew she should keep her distance, but Bellamy called to her in a way that no woman had before. “Hey, you made it.”
Kevin was out of the car almost before Bellamy put it in park. He smiled excitedly and returned Sawyer’s exuberant hug. “I saw the campus on the way in. It looks cool.”
“It is.” Sawyer leaned in to hug Bellamy, before her words came back to her, and she shoved an awkward hand between them. “That’s why I had your mom come in on Highway 8. I wanted you to see the grounds first thing.”
If Bellamy noticed the retraction of the hug, her eyes didn’t register it. “It’s a pretty small city.”
Sawyer laughed easily. “Go ahead and say it. It’s a town. I think we are right at 13,000 people, with another four thousand or so at the university. But, we have a great “college town” feel. Cleveland is pretty lively, with plenty to do.” Sawyer took a small suitcase from Bellamy. “Is this one yours?”
“Oh, yes. Kevin’s is the duffle. You know boys. They don’t come with much.”
“Did you guys bring swimsuits?” Sawyer led them up the front walkway and opened the front door.
“I did. Mom says she doesn’t have any that fit.” Kevin followed Sawyer inside. “It’s cool you live so close to campus. Do you hang out with the team a lot?”
“Actually, yes. Those guys are my kids. Most of them are away from their own families, some for the first time ever. It helps build a real camaraderie between the guys, and keeps them from getting homesick.” Sawyer set Bellamy’s suitcase down. “Speaking of, I’m having a cookout tonight to introduce you to the team and the other coaches. Nothing fancy, just burgers and hot dogs.”
“Cool.” Cool was Kevin’s word. “I saw Robertson is out for Tommy John surgery. That’s a pretty big hole in the pen.”
“Tell me about it. We’re hoping to get him back as a medical redshirt senior next year. Plus, the team will miss his bat. Would be nice to pick up an all-around right-hander to fill the void.”
Kevin’s smile widened. “I’m hitting .347 this year.”
“Honey, she knows that.” Bellamy shared an understanding smile with Sawyer.
“Good lord. Where are my manners?” Sawyer gestured toward the couch. “Please sit down. Can I get you something to drink?”
“Oh no, we’re fine. We ate on the road. I know Kevin is excited to see the campus. I’m sure if we stall any longer, he might explode.”
“I totally understand. Are you good to walk?”
“We could use a walk. Seven hours is a long time to be stuck in the car. Besides, I love the heat.”
Sawyer’s face screwed up comically. “Are you serious? I’m praying for December. That’s the reason I had to have a place with a pool. I don’t think my body is made to survive this heat.”
“And you chose to live in the south?” Bellamy’s brow arched skeptically.
“I didn’t choose the south; the south chose me.”
“Does that come with a free T-shirt?”
“Funny. Kevin, if I’d known your Momma was so ornery, I would have uninvited her.”
“Mom, please.” Kevin’s look said it all. As with most teenagers, his mom had a tendency to embarrass him at all the wrong moments. Right now, his main focus was making a good impression on the coach, and Bellamy wasn’t helping.
“I’m kidding. I want you both to see the campus and be comfortable with it. Ultimately, you need to be okay wi
th Kevin’s choice.” Sawyer pulled a worn-out ball cap off a hook by the door. She pulled it over her head and tugged her ponytail through the hole in the back. She looked at Bellamy. “Green would be a good color on you.”
“You think so?”
Sawyer waited for Bellamy and Kevin to step outside then pulled the door shut behind them. “I want to get you guys some gear to wear while you’re here. We can stop by the campus store on our way to the field. We’ve got practice at five, which gives us plenty of time. Did you bring your stuff?”
“Of course. Mom, can you unlock it?” Kevin waited for the familiar click of the automatic trunk release before he hefted his large bat bag out of the trunk.
“Grab your duffle, too. I’ll get you set up in the dorms. You’ll be crashing with Rivera. I’ll make sure he showers after practice.”
“Cool.” Kevin slung his bat bag over his right shoulder and grabbed his duffle bag before slamming the trunk shut. “Are you looking at any other guys besides me?”
“Kevin.” Bellamy silently telegraphed her displeasure in his candor. “I’m sorry, Sawyer.”
“It’s okay. I’m a pretty straight-forward person. I appreciate that quality in others. I’ve got one spot to fill. I’ve met with two other prospects. Both are great pitchers, but neither one has baseball smarts. I can make you a great pitcher. What I can’t teach is how to read the field like you do. You’re my top choice.”
This time Kevin couldn’t respond. The words stopped on his tongue. He knew before he got there that a spot on the roster wasn’t guaranteed. He would need to prove himself. It gave him an incredible boost of confidence to hear Sawyer’s affirmation.
Five minutes later, Sawyer pulled the door open to the bookstore and a rush of cold air met the group. The bookstore was tiny, occupying a space no larger than that of a small nook in the otherwise non-descript Norwell building. Much of Delta State’s campus was made up of ecru-colored brick buildings, nestled against a backdrop of southern pines and now brown grass. The building that housed the Barnes and Noble university bookstore was no different. Sawyer greeted Tina, the store manager, and introduced her visitors. “Tina, this is Kevin Carter, and his mother, Bellamy. I’m trying to get Kevin to come in and fill some of the void Robertson left.”