by Syd Parker
Bellamy sighed as she thought about the few dating disasters that she subjected herself to. “I dated a few times. Nothing came of it. After a while, I decided I was meant to be single.”
“Maybe you just didn’t meet the right person.”
“I suppose.” Bellamy’s eyes sought out Kevin. “Truth be told, I don’t think any of them would have passed muster. I was fairly particular about who I let into Kevin’s life. It seems pointless this late in the game.”
“I understand that. At this point in your life, it almost seems like a waste of time to start trying to train someone new.”
Bellamy sputtered, and dribbled beer down her chin. She swiped the back of her hand across her face. “It’s not like I’m an old maid.”
“I didn’t imply you were.” Sawyer smirked wickedly. “To hear you tell it, you’re knocking on the door of an old folks home. Though, from what I hear, those places are a hotbed for sexual activity.”
“And there goes any appetite for supper I had.” Bellamy made a face and tried to push the awkward mental picture from her mind. “Speaking of, are you sure you don’t need help?”
“Positive.” Sawyer set her bottle down beside her and pushed herself out of the lounger with a loud groan. “Maybe we can meet up and play Euchre in the same nursing home.”
“That’s what they are calling it now.” Despite telling herself not to, Bellamy shot Sawyer a very suggestive look. “Euchre?”
“Depends – are you interested in being on my Euchre team?” Sawyer stepped toward the grill, hiding a shit-eating grin from Bellamy, who was staring wide-eyed, mouth agape. Sawyer figured two could play at this dangerous game. She flipped the burgers and lowered the lid on the grill. When she turned around again, her face mirrored pure innocence. “I have to confess. I’m horrible at group sports, but I’ve got mad skills at two-person solitaire.”
Bellamy studied Sawyer’s expression, trying to decide if she was serious or not. “Are we still talking about cards?”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Sawyer decided to leave it at that. She didn’t dare to tease any more than she already had. Her body was already reacting to the look that Bellamy had given her. She wasn’t sure she would be able to behave herself if the conversation continued down this path. “The guys have weekly game nights. I thought I was a pro, but they taught this girl a thing or two. And before you say something naughty, we are talking about cards.”
Bellamy laughed easily, and the honey sweet tone of her voice carried across the backyard. “I can see I need to be very careful with you. You’re dangerous.”
“I’m all bark and no bite; I promise.”
“Hm, that’s too bad.” The words left Bellamy’s mouth before she could stop them. She stuttered helpless, trying to back pedal. “I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”
To her credit, Sawyer acted as though she didn’t even hear what Bellamy said. Her body tingled with the effort of holding back, not replying to the evocative comment that Bellamy made. She scrambled to think of a suitable alternative to Bellamy’s insinuation. “Sure you did. What kind of coach would I be if I didn’t back up my words?”
“Exactly.” Bellamy let out a relieved breath. She was learning quickly that her tongue had a mind of its own when it came to Sawyer. Her body reacted in ways that she hadn’t expected and hadn’t learned how to control. Being out of control was unacceptable to her. Her neat, tidy world wouldn’t allow for chaos. In Sawyer’s presence, Bellamy felt flustered, and that just wouldn’t do. “The team seems to respect you very much. I would imagine that is a result of good leadership.”
Sawyer beamed. “I’d like to think so. Like I said, they are a great group of boys. From what I’ve seen, Kevin will be a good addition.”
It was Bellamy’s turn to be proud. “He is a good boy. I’m biased, of course, but as you know, his teachers and coaches all think very highly of him. You won’t be disappointed.”
“I know I won’t.” Sawyer smiled at Kevin. “Hey, are you having fun?”
“Uh-huh.” Kevin wrapped a towel around his shoulders and laid down on the lounger Sawyer vacated. “Just a little tired. I figured I would rest for a bit.”
Sawyer laughed sarcastically. “Just wait. Between your classes, practice, and games, you will be running on fumes for the next four years.”
Kevin feigned dismay. “I may want to rethink this whole college thing.”
“Unh-unh, too late now.” Sawyer plated a hamburger and handed it to Kevin. “I’ve cooked for you now. You’re stuck with me.”
Kevin smiled begrudgingly, before sinking his teeth into his burger. He didn’t mind being stuck with Coach Evans. The day was perfect thus far. His pitching at practice was definitely strong, and the pointers he’d received on his change-up were at the front of his mind. He would work on them throughout his senior year. So far, he really liked the guys. He wasn’t certain, but it seemed like his mom liked Coach Evans as well. That would help. He respected his mom’s opinion, and thought she agreed with his choice. He knew they would talk about it later. For now, he decided to relax and enjoy the moment.
Hours later, Sawyer and Bellamy sat on opposite ends of the couch, watching the news. Bellamy’s body hummed at Sawyer’s nearness. Bellamy turned sideways and tried to make out Sawyer’s profile in the dim light of the TV. As her eyes adjusted, she made out the features that were quickly becoming etched in her memory. She’d pulled her hair down from her ponytail, and it framed her face, just hiding the sharp outline of her jaw. Bellamy closed her eyes and pictured her captivating eyes and her inviting lips. Her slightly upturned nose gave the impression she was younger than Bellamy imagined. Sawyer’s youthful personality bothered Bellamy early on, but now it intrigued her. She envied Sawyer’s carefree spirit, and wondered what her life would be like if she let loose once in a while.
Sawyer could feel Bellamy’s eyes on her, but she avoided looking her way. “Penny for your thoughts.”
“Mm, I was just thinking how quiet it is here. Being close to the river walk and the park makes for some loud nights.”
Sawyer could hear the uncertainty in Bellamy’s voice, and she knew that wasn’t where her thoughts were. “That’s a small town for you. Everything shuts down by nine. I won’t pretend that they don’t party in the dorms, but they are respectful about it. It’s a different culture here.”
“It seems like it. It will be a change for Kevin. Cleveland is much smaller than Columbus, which seems larger than it is. I think because of Fort Benning and some of the bigger employers. We have to make it attractive to entice people to take jobs there.”
“It makes sense. We’ve got Baxter, but even with that, the population stays right around 13,000 people. But we’re family. I’m not sure any of the other schools that Kevin was considering would offer that type of atmosphere. We take care of each other. I think that’s important when a student steps outside of their comfort zone for the first time.”
“You do seem close. Tina, that’s right, isn’t it?” At Sawyer’s nod, Bellamy continued. “She seems very nice…and a good friend?”
“She is, as is most of the faculty. We have a few stodgy holdouts, but for the most part, we are all on a first-name basis, and that includes the students.”
“Are you close?”
Sawyer flipped the light on beside the couch and eyed Bellamy curiously. “What are you trying to ask?”
“Nothing.” Bellamy wished for the dark to hide her embarrassment.
“Bellamy.” Sawyer turned sideways and pulled her knees to her chest. “You have permission to ask me anything, as long as I have the right not to answer.”
Bellamy mirrored Sawyer’s posture, draping her arm over the back of the couch. She couldn’t look at Sawyer yet, instead focusing on an errant thread in Sawyer’s couch. She wasn’t sure why it mattered if Sawyer had ever dated Tina. Nothing in her behavior at the bookstore suggested they had, but Bellamy thought she knew Sawyer’s type. She needed confirmation that her assumptions were right.
She hoped that would make ignoring the growing attraction to her easier to fight. She took a deep breath, not sure which answer she hoped for after all. “Did you ever date Tina?”
“Would it bother you if I did?”
“No.” Bellamy shook her head from side-to-side, fiercely denying that the lump in her throat was the anticipation of Sawyer’s response, praying that her answer would give her clarity. She wanted to scream that it bothered her very much, but as of yet, Bellamy had not found the strength to stake her claim, and so she watched from the sidelines, unable to change the game.
“Then you will be happy to know that Tina and I are just friends, always have been.” Sawyer met Bellamy’s eyes and dared her to hold her gaze. She longed to look at the soft curves of Bellamy’s face without end, picturing her tongue tracing the pulse that beat in the hollow at the base of her neck. Sawyer could feel the fire that darkened her eyes, knowing her promise to Bellamy would prevent her from acting on it. The tips of her fingers pulsed with electricity, her imagination hummed with the faraway dream of soft skin beneath her hands, teasing her like a fleeting dream lost upon awakening, haunting her with its possibility.
“Please don’t look at me that way.” Bellamy’s voice broke with desperation. She felt alive in the heat of Sawyer’s stare. She couldn’t feel that way, didn’t want to feel something coming to life inside of her treacherous body. It was wrong. At least, her head told her it was wrong. Her mind spun words into jumbled phrases that resembled passages she thought were right, but none of them told her how to change the way she felt, only that it was wrong. “You don’t know what you’re asking me to give up.”
Sawyer frowned. “I’m not asking you to give up anything. But don’t doubt that I know how hard it is to walk away from everyone and everything you’ve ever known.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t have a hard choice to make. Do you think you really would have…”
“Taken my own life?” Sawyer shrugged. “I’m not sure. At the time, it seemed like a better solution than the lie I was living. Depression can be a powerful beast to overcome.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. What did you do to get past losing everyone?” Bellamy needed the answer to right the way she was feeling. She felt unevenly keeled, lost in a sea of doubt, with no real way to plot her course.
“I turned to the only thing that I didn’t lose. Baseball. I started a small training program for girls interested in playing baseball. Throw Like a Girl gave them the opportunity to learn and practice important skills, and gave them a fair shot against the boys vying for the same positions on school teams and travel ball. I needed a place that I was accepted.”
“Do you still run the program?”
“Yes and no. It’s morphed into something I never dreamed of. There are programs all across the South. Sadly, I can only get involved in the off months. I’m okay with that. It’s helped hundreds of girls score positions on teams that have always been boys only.”
“Are you part of the man hater club?”
“Uh, no.” Sawyer shook her head from side-to-side. “I don’t hate men. I just don’t want to sleep with them.”
“I have to admit there have been times I thought that.” Bellamy’s smile disappeared. “Do you miss anything about your old life? Do you ever regret your choice to leave?”
“I can’t say I miss that life. It wasn’t me. How could I miss something that was a lie?” Sawyer paused, formulating her next words carefully. She knew Bellamy was trying to make sense of Sawyer’s life, and perhaps, makes sense of her own burgeoning feelings. “I miss my best friend, Andrea. She was the person I turned to for everything. I shared everything, including my fear of who I really was. It’s funny. The first time we talked about it, she stumbled around, trying to ask me if there was anything she could do to help. Did I need her to give me some space or stop hanging out? When I realized what she was asking me, I had the very unpleasant task of letting her down easy. I remember telling her I loved her, but I wasn’t attracted to her. I can still picture the look of relief coupled with the disappointment of me not liking her that way.”
“That is funny. So the myth about lesbians isn’t true?”
“Which one? There’s a lot.” Sawyer grinned. “We’re a very mysterious group.”
“Just because you’re gay, you’re automatically attracted to all females.”
“Oh, that one? Nah, ridiculous lie. Now if you want to put your money on a lesbian fable, I would go with the two date U-Haul rule. Much easier to corroborate than the first.”
“U-Haul rule?” Confusion furrowed Bellamy’s brow. She couldn’t imagine what Sawyer was talking about.
“The old belief that lesbians bring a U-Haul to their second date.”
“Because you’re moving in?” Bellamy blinked incredulously. “That can’t be true either.”
“It’s actually closer to date five or six.”
“You’re lying?” Bellamy caught the mischievous twinkle in Sawyer’s eyes, and she glared at her playfully. “I’ll have to remember not to believe a word you say. So, tell me about Andrea. What did you like about her?”
Sawyer smiled reminiscently. “You know those people in life that are genuinely good. She was one of them. She never stopped caring about other people. If you were having a bad day, she would make supper and bring it over. If you needed a hug, she would give you two. If you were cold, she would give you the clothes off her back then offer to buy you more. She had issues of her own, but they never took the forefront. I miss how unselfish she was. She gave all of herself and never expected a thing in return. You don’t find that quality in a lot of people.”
Bellamy watched Sawyer’s face as she spoke. For the first time since they’d met, Sawyer was serious. Bellamy could hear the lump in her throat as she spoke, and her heart hurt for her. Bellamy had a few close friends, but no one who seemed to hold as dear a place as Andrea did in Sawyer’s life. “I can tell you love her.”
“I guess I do.”
“But you aren’t in love with her?”
“No. It was never like that with us. To answer your question, I don’t miss my old life, but I do miss some of the people I left behind.”
“What about your mom? You said you don’t talk about this stuff with her.”
Sadness flashed in Sawyer’s eyes. “No, my mom and I finally came to an understanding that it’s better if we don’t publicly acknowledge my indiscretions. I think I felt the biggest loss with her. We were so close before. Even after I moved out, I was at the house every day. If I didn’t go by, we talked on the phone. I tried talking to her about it before, but all she ever said was vague statements about how I wasn’t born this way. When I came out and left the church, it went against everything she believes. The two years we didn’t talk were the hardest on me. My dad tried hard to get my mom to come around, but she wouldn’t budge. Eventually, we reconciled and tip-toed around each other. I won’t say we are in a good place, but we are in the best place we can be.”
“And your dad was always okay with you coming out?”
“Oh yeah, I was, well am, my dad’s baby girl. He loves me no matter.”
“Did you have trouble accepting who you were? I would think it would be hard to grow up being taught one thing and realizing that who you are goes against that.”
Sawyer opened her mouth to reply, but the no stopped on her tongue. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Looking back, I don’t know if it was the idea of going against what I had been taught, or the fear of disappointing people. In the back of my mind, even when I read scriptures that proclaimed being gay was a sin, I still believed that if I lived a decent life and had a good heart, I was a good person. I did struggle. Up to the point I finally came out, and even some days since, I remember the passage about men who sleep with other men not inheriting God’s kingdom and wonder if that is true. I have to remind myself that I can’t be punished for how I was born. I don’t think I will ever full
y purge what I’ve been taught, but I decided a long time ago that denying who I am is as bad as living a lie.”
“I’m glad you decided to live.” Bellamy tried to put herself in Sawyer’s shoes. It was hard not to lean over and hug her. She could see the pain that hid behind her eyes no matter how many times Sawyer said she’d come to terms with her life. It was unlike Bellamy to feel someone else’s pain as her own, but Sawyer was like a vortex, pulling her closer and closer, until Bellamy’s thoughts were entwined with hers. What confused her even more was the fact that she felt like she was standing in front of a closed door, deciding whether or not to open it. It wasn’t fear of the unknown that kept her from turning the handle, but the fear that she could already see the path behind it, and she wasn’t ready to take that journey. As Bellamy’s heart clenched in her chest, she realized that the choice may not be hers. Sawyer was already inside her, woven into the fabric of her soul, drawing on feelings so long buried that Bellamy had almost forgotten they existed. Sawyer spoke to her primal emotions, the ones that Bellamy kept hidden. There was no rational explanation for the yearning that Bellamy felt. Bellamy knew she should run away, but the fire drew her in. She longed to feel its heat, to be consumed by the flames. Every new discovery made her crave more of Sawyer. Bellamy trembled as this truth dawned on her.
Sawyer misinterpreted her shaking. “Are you cold? Let me get you a blanket.”
“I’m fine.” Bellamy spoke more harshly than she intended. “I…I should probably get some sleep.”
Sawyer eyed Bellamy warily, sensing a tilt in her demeanor. She leaned forward and laid her hand on Bellamy’s arm. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m just tired.” Bellamy pulled her arm away and jumped off the couch awkwardly. She shot Sawyer an apologetic smile before heading for her bedroom. Her guilt at her hasty retreat made her turn around. Bellamy found Sawyer staring after her questioningly. “I’m sorry, Sawyer. Thank you for tonight, for sharing your story with me, and for Kevin. I know he made the right choice now.”
Sawyer smiled wanly. “Good night, Bellamy.” She didn’t need Bellamy to tell her what frightened her; she knew just from looking into her eyes. She also sensed tonight wasn’t the night to push. Sawyer had been right where Bellamy was, though it seemed ages ago. This was Bellamy’s battle, not hers. No matter how badly Sawyer wanted her, she had no right to take what wasn’t offered. For now, she would keep the promise she made.