by Syd Parker
“We need to change that. Next year, we are taking you out.” Bellamy decided right then and there, if Kevin wasn’t going to play along, she would force Sawyer to.
“We’ll see.” Sawyer turned her attention to the crostinis. She’d hit the road early that morning, and hadn’t stopped to eat. The hunger pains were getting the better of her. She chewed slowly, savoring the warm goat cheese and parmesan drizzle. She pushed the plate toward Bellamy. “You have to try these.”
“Goat cheese?” Bellamy’s nose turned up comically. “No, thank you.”
“I’ll try one.” Kevin popped one in his mouth. His face mirrored his mother’s several seconds later. By the time he managed to finish it, Sawyer and Bellamy were laughing at the faces he made. He pushed the plate back to Sawyer. “I think you can have the rest.”
“Okay by me.” Sawyer made quick work of the plate. “I’ve tamed the beast, for now.”
“Thank goodness. Your stomach was starting to embarrass me.”
“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me. I’m sure you were embarrassed by your mother breathing.”
Bellamy’s eyes flashed painfully, before she forced a laugh. “There were times it did. Typical teenager. I never wanted her to take me all the way to school. I always made her drop me off two blocks away. I forced her to walk behind me at the mall. No worries, though, she made me miserable plenty of times to make up for it.”
There was another off-handed comment about her parents. Sawyer couldn’t paint a whole picture with what she’d been given so far. She knew they were divorced, and that they didn’t spend much time with Kevin and Bellamy. Oh, and obviously didn’t think it was important enough to attend their grandson’s graduation. Sawyer may not have the whole picture, but she had enough of one to know she wasn’t too keen on the pair. “Well, don’t all our parents. I think it’s in the instruction manual they get when the stork drops us off.”
“The stork, really?”
“Don’t worry, Ms. Carter, I know where babies come from.” Sawyer winked mischievously, smiling at the flush that spread over Bellamy’s cheeks.
Bellamy glanced over and realized Kevin was paying no attention to them. His face was buried in his phone. She breathed a sigh of relief, and shook a finger in Sawyer’s direction, which only succeeded in turning the smile into a full-blown laugh.
“Chicken piccata?”
Sawyer gestured at herself then directed the remaining entrees to their rightful owners. It didn’t take the threesome long to devour the food. Sawyer pushed herself back from the table and crossed her ankle over her leg. She finished the last of her beer, satisfied her stomach was finally full. “I forgot how much I liked this place.”
Kevin nodded eagerly. “It’s my favorite too, Coach.” Kevin reached up in a last minute attempt to hide a yawn. “Excuse me.”
“It’s okay, I’m worn out, too. Long day.”
“Plus the heat wears you out.” Bellamy added. She swiped the check before Sawyer could take it. “Let me get this.”
Sawyer could tell she was in no mood to argue, so she acquiesced without a fight.
Kevin felt exhausted all of a sudden. He needed to go home. “Hey, Mom. Can I take the car? I’m ready to go home.”
“I’ll be ready soon.”
“No, you don’t have to go. You and Coach can hang out for a while. You sit at home enough as it is.”
“Yeah, Bellamy, I can run you home. It’s not a big deal.”
Bellamy started to refuse again, but one look in Kevin’s eyes, and she knew he would be asleep the moment he got home. She realized she preferred to be with Sawyer than home alone, curled up with the couch. “Okay, sure.” She dug the keys from her purse, and handed them to Kevin.
He bent over and kissed her cheek. “Thanks, Mom. See you later, Coach.”
Sawyer waited until he was gone before she spoke again. “He made it longer than I thought.”
“Yes, he did.” Bellamy rested her chin on her hands. “The doctor is worried about the loss of muscle mass. He said he might be in a wheelchair by fall. I think that will devastate him.”
“Give him more credit than that, Bellamy. He’s made it this far without falling apart. Kid’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. He’s doing a pretty good job holding it up.”
Bellamy had to agree. There were times she thought she worried more than he did. No, she knew she worried more than he did. “He is. My son never ceases to amaze me. He doesn’t give up.”
“You made him a strong kid. He won’t give up.”
“You may be right.”
Sawyer held Bellamy’s eyes. “I am. About a lot of things.”
Sawyer didn’t elaborate, and Bellamy didn’t ask. She paid the bill, and followed Sawyer to her car. “Do you have to head back?”
“Not yet.”
“Would you like to take a stroll on the river walk? It’s cooling off a bit, and I need to walk that dinner off. I ate way too much.”
Sawyer accepted quickly, the opportunity to spend time with Bellamy didn’t come very often, so she took advantage when she could.
They were fifteen minutes into their stroll before Sawyer dared to bring the conversation around to Bellamy’s parents. “Why are things so bad with your mom and dad?”
Bellamy frowned. The easiest thing to do would be to tell Sawyer it wasn’t a topic she cared to discuss, but Bellamy didn’t seem to be able to keep things from Sawyer. This was no exception. “When I started dating David, my dad was furious.”
“Why?”
“My dad is somewhat prejudiced. He’s old school, Sawyer. Grew up in the fifties and sixties. Columbus was a different place back then. He’s never gotten over how African-Americans were mistreated. When he found out David was white, I think he wanted to shoot him.”
“With good reason.” Sawyer could understand his feelings. She hadn’t been mistreated based on the color of her skin, but she had been treated as less than equal because of being gay. She knew a bit about how it felt to be thought of as second-class. “But you kept dating him, and eventually married him?”
“I did.” Bellamy lost herself in the calm waters of the Chattahoochee River. “I think part of it was rebelling against my parents, like any teenager does. My father never got over his feelings. David was never welcome in his house. My mom, on the other hand, only cared about having grandbabies. She didn’t care who I was married to. She would invite us over when Dad wasn’t there. When Kevin was born, she was thrilled. It was her first grandbaby. We thought Dad would see Kevin and have a change of heart, but it actually got worse. He forbade my mother from associating with us. She didn’t listen. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Their marriage wasn’t that strong anyway, and it couldn’t survive my dad’s hatred.”
“Oh, Bellamy, I’m truly sorry. That sucks. I didn’t know.”
“You wouldn’t. We keep that to ourselves.”
“Like most things.” Sawyer didn’t mean it unkindly, and she apologized hurriedly when she saw Bellamy wince. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“Things must have gotten a little better, if you see them on holidays.”
“Somewhat. Dad had a heart attack when Kevin was eight. He started to soften up a bit then. Only toward Kevin, and only in so much as he didn’t associate Kevin with David. I caught him saying horrible things about David. He even called Kevin hateful names. I confronted him, and he swore he was teasing. Over the years, we’ve all made feeble efforts to keep the family together, but it’s painfully uncomfortable.”
“That’s what Kevin meant about it being weird at holidays.”
“Yes.” Bellamy paused and laid her palm on Sawyer’s arm. “I’d rather you not tell Kevin about this conversation.”
“I won’t.”
“I felt like this was something you needed to know. You’re pretty close with your family. I wanted to explain to you why we aren’t. You’re pretty normal as far as that goes.”
> “I’m not saying what your dad did is right, but I can see why he feels that way. It sucks to be treated like you aren’t equal. It can easily jade a person.”
Bellamy looked confused, before realization dawned on her face. “Oh. Because you’re gay.”
“Yes.” Sawyer started walking again. “I’m sure you’ve noticed it isn’t exactly the cool thing to be out in the South. Folks are a little backwards. They don’t open up to differences very well. Fear of what they don’t know makes them close-minded and hateful. Not everyone, but a lot of people. It’s amazing how much it hurts the first time someone calls you a queer or a dyke. The first few times I wanted to punch the living daylights out of them. I learned to control my anger the longer I was out. Now, I just chalk it up to ignorance.”
“How can you just brush it off?”
“If I didn’t, I’d be just as bad as them. My hatred and need for revenge would make me just as weak and narrow-minded as the person calling me names. I’m better than that.”
“You never wanted to hide because of it?”
“Maybe, early on, but not anymore. You know your dad, in his own weird way, was trying to be bigger than his past. I know it doesn’t seem that way.”
“It doesn’t at all.”
Sawyer condemned him previously, but now she felt as though she could sympathize. “He probably feels bad about what he’s done and said, but doesn’t know how to apologize. When you hold on to remorse, it holds you back. You can’t ever move past the bad. So every interaction becomes that, until you don’t know any other way to act.”
“I can see that. My father is a proud man. He doesn’t know how to say sorry.”
“He may not ever learn to. I know he’s made mistakes. I also believe you still love him. Maybe, once Kevin is better, you might try bringing some of those fences down.”
Bellamy didn’t respond. She pondered Sawyer’s words, ruminating on the wisdom behind them. She was in no hurry to forgive her father, but maybe, one day down the road, she might figure out a way to let him back in.
“Doesn’t it bother you?”
“What?”
Sawyer sighed, trying to figure out the best way to word the question so as not to put Bellamy on guard. “Don’t you find it odd that you’ve spent your whole life doing what you’re supposed to do according to the Bible, and all this crappy stuff just keeps happening? You’re estranged from your parents, Kevin's dad is a no show, and now Kevin is fighting for his life. Kind of a shitty way to treat someone who is living as a Christian.”
Bellamy didn’t reply right away. Sawyer wasn’t asking anything that she hadn’t already thought about. She was forced to admit that there were moments she wondered what she had done. She was surrounded by people who did terrible things every day, and their lives were just fine. They didn’t have a father who turned them away. They weren’t single moms raising a son who could die if he didn’t get a transplant. When she thought about that, Bellamy got angry. There were times she looked heavenward, begging for an answer to her prayers. How many times had she lain awake at night wondering why she was being punished? It was times like that when she questioned her faith. When no one from her church came to check on them, she doubted her reason for ever going. Then Sawyer’s words about having a good heart hit home. She couldn’t hold her own life up to Sawyer in her defense. “It bothers me.”
“Why keep doing it? Going to church, I mean.”
“It isn’t about the church. It’s about my faith.”
“Can’t you have faith without the church telling you what to do? I believe in God. I don’t need some Sunday holy man telling me how to live, when he turns his back on the Bible the other six days of the week. Your dad turned his back on you. David left you and Kevin. But the church tells you that I’m the sinner?
Bellamy opened her mouth to reply, but shut it quickly. If she agreed that Sawyer was a sinner, she would be condemning her friend.
“That’s bullshit. Pardon my French. Look around, Bellamy. I’m the one that is here for you and Kevin. The dyke. You think God is going to condemn me for caring? You think he’s really going to condemn you because you fell in love with someone?”
“Please don’t make me answer that, Sawyer.” Tears pooled in the corners of Bellamy’s eyes. Her inner struggle was hard enough without Sawyer adding to the turmoil. Every time she was with Sawyer, she fought to do what she believed was right. The nagging voice in the background that told her she was going to hell for even thinking about her that way. No scripture could stand up against Sawyer’s argument about being the only one who cared. The sad thing was Bellamy kept pushing her away, because she thought God would condemn her. But where are you when I’m praying for a miracle? The sound of the river was the only answer she got.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”
Bellamy shook her head. “It’s fine. You make me question everything.”
“I just want you to see the bigger picture. You have this shell you live in, and that’s fine. I just hope one day you realize there is more than one way to skin a cat.”
Bellamy looked at Sawyer oddly. “What does that mean?”
“It means there are a lot of Bibles out there, and a lot of folks preaching about it. Reckon, everyone has their own way of preaching the good scriptures. Some right, some wrong. I just want you to be sure that what you believe is right for you.”
“I read the Bible, you know.”
“I’m not saying you didn’t. For every scripture that preaches one thing, there are two more that mention the opposite. You can’t pick and choose. You can’t take just one scripture and say it encompasses the entire message of the Bible. You’re a good person, Bellamy. Who you love shouldn’t change that. A relationship should lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. It shouldn’t degrade you or make you feel unworthy if you aren’t perfect. If it tears you down, you walk away. This is a rhetorical question, Bellamy. Is this relationship with God and religion lifting you up or tearing you down?”
Bellamy wanted to refute Sawyer’s statement, but she couldn’t. Truth be told, lately she felt like crap. She felt abandoned at a time when she needed it most. She couldn’t come up with a single thing that could adequately answer Sawyer’s question, so she left the answer as Sawyer had inferred, rhetorical.
Sawyer could sense her discomfort, and she immediately regretted pushing. She couldn’t help herself. She needed Bellamy to understand that everything she believed may be nothing more than a farce. She toyed with apologizing once again, but she pushed the urge back down. Instead, she opted to try and enjoy the limited time they had together without putting Bellamy on edge.
They walked the remainder of the loop in silence, both agreeing to just enjoy the walk. When they got back to the house, the sun was just setting in the western sky. Bellamy stopped with her hand on the door. “Thank you for coming today. It meant so much to us both.”
“Always, Bellamy. I’m sorry for earlier.”
Bellamy laid her palm on Sawyer’s arm. “I need the mirror every once in a while, even if I don’t like it. Don’t be sorry.”
Sawyer waited for Bellamy to go inside the house before she pulled away. She’d thoroughly enjoyed the day, despite her earlier slip up. She was thrilled with Bellamy’s suggestion to walk along the river. She fought the entire time not to clasp Bellamy’s hand in hers, especially when she saw how upset Bellamy was with their conversation. The walk, the water, the sunlight in Bellamy’s hair, made for a romantic setting that Sawyer hated to ignore. Maybe that was why she looked for a reason to push Bellamy away. She slid the car into reverse, catching Bellamy’s face in the window. She waved casually, unable to contain the guilty frown that covered her face. No matter, today was one of the nicest days she’d had in a long time. She tucked the pictures away to enjoy later. Yes, today had been almost perfect. Almost.
Chapter Fifteen
August 2014
Sawyer pushed Kevin through the open door. “Wha
’dya think?”
Kevin’s eyes swept the tiny room, taking in his home for the next few years. “It’s small.”
Sawyer burst out laughing. “Everything is small when you’re six-two. You’ll get used to it. You’re lucky you don’t have to share a room. Things go on that you don’t want to see.”
“I’m sure.” Kevin grabbed his backpack off his lap and tossed it on the empty twin bed. “I guess we lost Mom.”
“I’m here.” Bellamy stepped into the room and dropped the box she was carrying onto the bed. She swiped the back of her hand across her forehead, succeeding only in wiping the sweat around. “All I can say is thank goodness for the elevator.”
“Figure it’s a good thing you got into Blansett Hall. Might make moving around a bit easier.”
Kevin shook his head and pushed his wheelchair toward the window. “Too bad the view sucks. Can’t even see the field from here.”
Sawyer joined Kevin near the window. “But you do have a great view of the tennis courts. Watching the women’s team practice might be fun.”
“Hey.” Bellamy swatted Sawyer’s arm with the back of her hand. “His mother is standing right here.”
“Uh-huh. So?”
“So, at least wait till I’m out of the room before you start talking about hot girls.”
“Not for me, for Kevin. Might be time for a girlfriend.”
“One day, but not like this.” Kevin spun around. “Plenty of room for my dialysis machine. That’s always hot on a first date. Hey, wanna come up to my room and take a spin on my dialysis machine? Figure that doesn’t rank high on ways to pick up chicks.”
Sawyer snorted loudly. “It could work. It’s all in how you spin it.”
“Maybe so. Want to see all the waste this machine filters out of my body? Cool, huh?”
“You two need help.” Bellamy pulled the box on the bed toward her and opened the lid. “Oh, good. This has the sheets and blanket in it. I can make the bed then we can move the rest of the stuff in. FMC is coming this afternoon to get everything set up.”