Rafe looked away.
“Was that your fantasy then?” Mikey asked. He and Krissy had dished their darkest desires, but Rafe had never mentioned his. “This is all because you wanted sex with me?”
A short, sharp laugh escaped him. “No. That’s not my fantasy.”
“What is it then?”
“Unconditional love.”
His answer was a sucker punch to Mikey’s gut. The idea that love was such a far-off thing for Rafe he considered it a fantasy? How was that possible?
“I get it now,” Rafe said quietly. “Why Krissy fell for you so fast. I thought it was her being too emotional. But I understand, because I did the same thing.” He shook his head—at the irony of it all, Mikey supposed. “You’re so good. So damn open and honest. You’re everything I’m not and everything I wish I could be.”
Mikey had to wince at the awful twist of fate. Wasn’t that what he’d thought of Rafe when he’d first seen him?
Rafe sighed heavily. “I knew it was time to remove myself from the picture when I realized I had feelings for you. Krissy cares about you so much. I couldn’t do that to her.”
Mikey’s lungs went tight, his heart tripping over the knowledge that Rafe felt that way, his chest constricting with all that implied.
“It doesn’t make what you did last night okay.”
Rafe laughed again, and the wild, abrupt noise came out sounding a little mad. “I know. See? My parents were right. I am a selfish prick.”
“No you’re not.”
“I am. I’m the most selfish person in the world, because what I really want is both of you.”
“Wait, what?”
Nothing was making sense, until it suddenly did, Rafe looking up at him like his heart was breaking.
“I lied,” he said on a shrug. “I kept sex off the table with Krissy because I don’t want to hurt her, not because I don’t love her. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to stop myself from going into her room and giving her what we’ve both wanted.”
Despite how messed-up everything had become and how damn cold Mikey was, the picture of the two of them together like that made him flush with warmth.
Still, Rafe had been lying to her. Lying to him.
“So, the stuff about just falling for men—that was all garbage?”
“No, that part’s true, mostly. I’ve only been in love with men in the past. And I can care about more than one person at a time. That much is—” he waved a hand in Mikey’s direction, his voice breaking on the word, “—obvious. But Krissy and I aren’t good together. We’re too alike. Too emotional, too impulsive. When we want something, we want it intensely. This week is a perfect example. I wanted her to fall in love, and look what happened.”
Mikey thought about the panic in Krissy’s eyes when she saw Rafe’s text. The way she’d looked at Rafe when they arrived at the train station.
“I think she’s already in love, Rafe.”
Rafe took a deep, shuddery breath and stared up at the sky.
“What the hell do I know about being worthy of someone’s love? All I’ve ever known of love has ripped my heart out.” He pulled his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He looked so small and sad, and Mikey finally saw how hurt Rafe had been. How heartbroken he still was.
Rafe balanced his chin on his knee, then turned his head toward Mikey and smiled.
“I’m in awe of your ability to forgive, Mikey. It’s what I really like about you. And being with you both this week, it’s everything I could ever want, but I’m not good for you. For either of you. You’re right for her. You’re stable and strong. You’re not damaged like I am. And Krissy will never let me go until she sees that.” Rafe’s face hardened again. He looked back at the ground. “That’s why I left with Merrick. If I hurt her before I leave, she won’t be thinking about me when I go.”
Mikey froze, and not from the cold. “You’re leaving?”
“I got a job. A part in a national touring company. Email came in from my agent yesterday.”
The impact of Rafe’s statement hit him head-on. Mikey stared at him in horror. “How long will you be gone?”
“Nine months. Gotta be packed by Sunday.”
“You can’t do that to her! As it is, she’s practically falling apart.”
Rafe stiffened. “What do you mean?”
“She hasn’t said a word since you took off. I was ready to call an ambulance. I was scared to death to leave her alone, but I did it to find you.”
Rafe lowered his head, but Mikey wasn’t interested in giving the guy pity. No matter how he felt about Rafe—yes, he had to admit there were feelings there, feelings he couldn’t sort out yet—he’d have to deal with that later.
“I’m not going to let you break her like that, Rafe. She might never recover. You might think it’s the right thing to do, but you’re wrong. Maybe she needs someone like me in her life, but she needs you too. So get your ass in that truck.”
The aggressive sound of his own voice surprised Mikey, but he’d yell if that’s what it took to get Rafe moving.
He stood and walked down the steps. Rafe followed, his posture tense. When they arrived at the apartment, Rafe walked ahead of Mikey and into the bedroom. Krissy sat up when she saw him and started to sob.
“I’m sorry.” Rafe rushed to her side and pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry.”
He tucked Krissy’s head under his chin, and Mikey stood back as they held each other and cried. He wasn’t jealous. If anything, he felt like he could finally breathe again. Krissy looked at him, and her big, watery eyes were filled with gratefulness, uncertainty, and regret.
Mikey shook his head. Now that they were both warm, safe, and together, he needed to make some sense of his own thoughts.
“You two talk,” he said. “I’ll be back later.”
Outside and on the pavement, Mikey dug his hands in his jacket pockets and walked until he reached the harbor’s edge. The morning sky was a wash of oranges and reds. Untouched piles of snow were golden where the sunlight hit them, the surface tinted with purplish blue shadows. Mini icebergs bobbed on the waves, the ocean crisp and blue.
Sitting down on a rock, Mikey pulled out his phone and thumbed through messages he hadn’t gotten to read in last night’s chaos. Connor wishing him a happy new year, saying he and Gabby would be home soon. Dean hoping Mikey made good use of his bed, a wink emoticon after a reminder to wash the linens.
That was friendship—his buddies still looking out for him across state borders. But Mikey had never been himself with them, never been able to tell them the truth.
The only people he’d done that with were Krissy and Rafe.
It made perfect sense that Rafe loved Krissy. It was evident in all the ways he cared for and protected her. In how he’d brought her here, hoping she’d find the kind of security he felt he couldn’t offer her.
Mikey thought about Rafe sitting outside alone, wanting both him and Krissy but feeling undeserving of their attention. Rafe talked a good story about not needing family, not compromising himself for anyone and being content with who he was, when the truth was his parents had robbed him of so much affection he was starved for it. It was why he hid his accent, wanting to banish any version of his former self, casting out the person his family had exiled.
He seemed so confident, so charming and charismatic, but that was all a mask. On the inside he was like the Wizard of Oz behind the magic. A little boy desperate for love.
And then there was Krissy. She thought she was too much of a mess for a real relationship, so she’d holed herself up in half of one, afraid to let anyone else in. Mikey had seen her as this shining star, this bundle of energy and cheer, when she was more like him than he’d ever realized.
Just like him, she was punishing herself for what she perceived as a former
infraction, not allowing herself to open up. Working herself to the bone to be the person she thought she had to be for her family instead of doing what was right for her. And when she’d figured out what was right, even had the courage to suggest it to him, all Mikey had done was kick her in the teeth for it.
He cared for them both. Deeply. But where did he go with these feelings? Choosing one of them over the other made his heart hurt. He wished he could be with both of them, but how? What would happen to the community he’d made for himself? Would his parents ever forgive him?
He glanced left, toward his church’s spire in the distance.
What would God think?
He thought back to Krissy’s question from the other day—if he wanted to keep doing what he was doing. He didn’t dislike working for his folks. There was a great deal of satisfaction to be found in working the land, in seeing the fruits of his labors in summer, in how caring for the ground properly in winter ensured nature’s comeback in spring. But he didn’t love it, and couldn’t truly love the church job either, not with the beliefs he’d grown up with and his parents’ fears hanging over him.
He still wanted to do something where he felt he was serving God, but the life he’d been living was suffocating him. Like ivy had grown over him without him realizing it, a darkness he hadn’t noticed until Krissy and Rafe broke through and brought in the light.
He looked across the water to the wharf. To Portland, his home. He knew this place. Knew the tides by the scent of the air. Knew when the first frost was coming and when the last one was firmly behind them. He knew his church too, but that didn’t mean this was where he belonged.
All his life, he’d felt like the ugly duckling, unwanted because he was different. He thought he needed to change to fit in, when he’d really never been ugly. He just hadn’t found his flock of swans yet.
Now he had, and he wanted to be with them. Krissy needed two trapezes to swing from, two people to catch her in case she fell, and Rafe was so broken by his past that he needed more than one person’s love to heal him.
Mikey could be what they needed. He had the stuff to take care of them both, and they’d never let him feel alone. They made him whole in a way he’d never imagined, and the sexual gratification in being with them, in watching them, had turned him on in ways he couldn’t ever have conceived.
He needed to step in, because the two of them were going to fall apart without him.
No side of the triangle was right by itself—the emotional balance only worked when they were together. He wanted to be the glue that kept the three of them whole more than anything, even if it meant deviating from the norm. Even if it meant living a life he wasn’t sure fit into the Bible. Even if it meant leaving home.
For years he’d been trapped in his own personal purgatory, worried God wouldn’t accept him, hoping he’d find the right person to help him change. But he had found the right person. Two of them. And maybe, God had sent them to him.
He could be a good Christian and love more than one person. God loved everyone, and no one ever got down on Him for that.
Mikey looked at the sky and smiled. Sitting there at the cusp of a new year, the foggy and amorphous desires he’d been agonizing over finally crystallized into something clear. The solution was simple. But he needed to have a conversation first. He needed to sort out his own life before he could offer anything to Krissy and Rafe.
He closed his fingers around the keys in his pocket and walked quickly back to Dean’s truck.
Chapter Thirteen
Krissy took a steadying breath, all her tears washed out of her like a storm that had moved on in the distance. Her eyes were scratchy, her lenses so blurred she could hardly see, and Rafe’s shirt was soaked through.
“I’m still mad at you for leaving,” she told him.
“That’s okay,” he said on a sigh. “I’m mad at me too.”
He’d apologized a dozen times, saying he’d thought it was the right thing to do. That he should’ve realized how disappearing like that would affect her. Rafe squeezed her tightly.
“Can you be mad at me and still forgive me?” he asked.
Krissy pressed her forehead to his chest. “Yes.”
She wasn’t really mad—she was more hurt than anything else, and in mourning for the threesome that could’ve been. Things wouldn’t have turned out this way if Rafe hadn’t run off, but then again, how long had she been relying on him, using him as a human safety net?
Too long.
Krissy sat up and listened for the sounds of Mikey in the apartment. The place was as silent as it had been since he’d left an hour ago, and that wasn’t because of Rafe. That was all her.
What a mess she’d made of things. Mikey probably hated her now. She put her head in her hands. Everything hurt—her fingers, her skull.
Her heart.
“I smoked your other joint yesterday,” she said.
“I know. I saw the empty bag.”
“And you didn’t say something?”
“I guess I thought it wasn’t my place anymore.”
“Why?”
Rafe sat up slowly, his shoulders hunched, brows drawn tight. “I got a show, Krissy. A national tour. Rehearsals start in Milwaukee on Monday.”
Her stomach dropped. “You’re leaving me?”
“I need this show, Kris. And me going means you and Mikey can make things work.”
She snorted. “I doubt Mikey wants anything to do with me.”
“I know for a fact that isn’t true.”
Didn’t matter. He and Krissy wouldn’t work right on their own, not after everything the three of them had shared.
“And what about you?” she asked. “Who should you be with?”
He smiled sadly. “No matter who chooses who, somebody gets hurt. Might as well be me.”
“I’m not okay with you sacrificing yourself. I don’t want you to be hurt. I don’t want anyone to be hurt.”
The silence grew heavy. Rafe touched her arm. “Kris, I—”
“Please don’t say it.” She knew what was coming next wasn’t another apology. They’d exhausted those when they were crying. There were no more sorrys left between them. “Please don’t say goodbye.”
“It’s not goodbye. It’s…” He winced. “I’ve been holding you back, being with you like we have. It seems like I’ve been taking care of you, but really I’ve stopped you from moving forward.”
She inhaled a shuddery breath. There was truth to what he was saying, but the words were another stab at her already bruised heart.
“When do I need to be out of the apartment?” she asked.
“You don’t. It’s yours. Hell, have Mikey move in with you. But I need you to take better care of yourself. You’ve been acting like you are, but I can see through it. I know you, and you’re not okay.” He cupped her face, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Please, please, promise me you’re going to do something about that.”
She nodded, feeling her face crumple. “I’ll try.”
“Okay. I have to go home tomorrow instead of Saturday. I already switched my train ticket. I left a message for Dean and Jamie. Told them I wouldn’t get in the way, just have to come through to grab my things.” He pressed his lips to her forehead and held still for a long moment before pulling away. “I need to shower and pack.”
It was all Krissy could do to stay upright as he went into the bathroom. She wanted to dive under the covers, to crawl into a cave of blankets and never come out. But she couldn’t let herself, because through the hazy fog of her pain, she recognized what was happening. It wasn’t just Rafe leaving or Mikey crushing her dream.
She’d fallen into a cycle without realizing it.
It had been coming on for a while, probably starting back when she’d changed her hair. She should’ve recognized the signs, but she’d been too caught
up in finals, the holidays, and preparing for this trip.
She’d been on an upswing this whole week, could even track it if she looked at her mood app. The mania had pushed through her meds. A crash was inevitable, and smoking pot yesterday morning, followed by everything else that happened, had sent her careening into a low.
There was one thing she was sure about though. One thing that didn’t have her wondering if it was the bipolar or her: her love for Rafe and Mikey. That was real. And so was what they did for one another. Rafe revved her up while Mikey calmed her. One sheltered, the other encouraged. All their kinks matched up, their emotions too, but Rafe was right, and the looks Mikey had been giving her yesterday were right too.
She wasn’t taking care of herself. She’d been pretending she was fine when she wasn’t. Hiding behind Rafe, behind her wild clothes. Behind streaked hair and colored contacts, the word crazy, and the curtain of the stage. Maybe that’s why she loved the theater—because it was such an awesome place to hide.
It was time to stop hiding.
Krissy stood and went to her bag. As much as she hated it, she knew she couldn’t hang onto things with Rafe, and she didn’t want to expect anything from Mikey either. His rejection was a raw nerve that hadn’t been soothed. But even if the three of them somehow found their way back to one another, she needed to be whole for herself first. She needed to accept that she wasn’t going to be normal again—not the way she used to be—and find a better way to manage her illness on her own.
To learn how to catch herself when she was between trapeze rungs, even if Rafe and Mikey were the ones who made her soar.
Pulling what she’d been looking for from her duffle, she went to the bedroom mirror. One by one, she took out her contacts and dumped them in the trash, then put on her glasses. She looked at her reflection, and saw herself clearly for the first time in a while. Then she picked up her phone and dialed, closing her eyes as it rang.
“Mom?” Her voice was cracking. She didn’t want to admit this, but… “I don’t think my meds are working. I need to go back to the doctor again.”
The Theory of Deviance: Portland Rebels, Book 3 Page 15