by Anna Antonia
I wondered if she thought the same thing I did. Wouldn’t it be nice if nothing had changed between us? If Switzerland and New York had never happened and we were back in Austin at my apartment or hers.
She’d learned that I was devoted to her and she’d never have cause to believe otherwise. We’d be in the kitchen after an exhausting afternoon in the bedroom, sated sexually but needing the sustenance to build up our strength.
Revisionist history couldn’t change that things were never simple. I was still lying to her in Austin about who I really was.
I was still lying to her now.
However, Konstantinov business wasn’t hers to know. The dead man in her apartment didn’t change anything. But would Risa understand and respect my silence?
She wants in but I can never let her fully see. Not if I want to keep her. But if she thinks I’m not working with her then I’ll lose her anyways.
The tightrope got thinner. I’d have to set out a trail of information to make her believe she had access to everything all the while keeping everything that really mattered hidden.
It felt…wrong.
Wrong is her being dead and you won’t be able to fix that.
The stark reminder was exactly what I needed.
“What do you have the taste for, my love? Fried and greasy? Brownies? Tell me.”
She lifted one shoulder. “It’s up to you.”
“Really? Then you won’t mind a salad?”
Risa’s pert nose crinkled like I knew it would. “I’d rather not.”
“I didn’t think so.” I walked over to her, keeping my distance respectful even though I wanted to step in-between her luscious thighs and kiss her like I did both times today.
Risa’s mouth parted. Her eyes brightened with excitement. I didn’t doubt her thoughts mirrored mine.
I wanted to prove to Risa I respected her wishes—at least the ones I could. I wasn’t going to undermine her position by seducing her into compliance. But it was harder to be a good man when she looked so beautiful.
I didn’t want to eat food. I wanted to eat her.
“Damian?”
“Yes?”
“How about something light? Maybe chicken noodle soup—if you have some.”
Of course, I did. I didn’t forget her favorites.
“Coming right up.” I couldn’t kiss Risa but I could trace a loving line down her soft cheek.
I made quick work of getting our soup and sandwiches ready. The silence oppressed. Once upon a time Risa would’ve chattered my ear off, telling me all about her thoughts. Big and small.
I wished she was that girl again.
I’ll get her back. No matter what.
It was a promise I would sell my soul to keep.
28
RISA
Lunch was a somber affair.
We sat in the elegant dining room, him at the end of the lengthy table and me at his left. I would’ve admired the gleaming wood and landscapes in different circumstances. Instead, I matched Damian’s silence.
It wasn’t easy, not when I wanted to ask him a million questions. Like, why were we here specifically? Was it a safe house with no easily found ties to Damian? What was he involved in beyond Bridgewater National?
Why did someone set out to kill him? Why did they turn their sights my way?
As far as the world at large knew, I was just Damian’s PA. His long-time girlfriend was Gretchen. Not me.
Unless somehow they found out about our intimate past?
No, that wasn’t possible. No one outside of Elaine, Thomas, and Leon knew about our relationship. They would never tell.
But Gretchen also knew.
No. She’d been sneaky, but she loved Damian. There was no way she would’ve let anything out that would put him in danger…
But did that extend to me?
No. I was absolutely not going to let my thoughts go in this direction.
Gretchen was many things, but a killer she was not. Besides, if Damian was being truthful with me then their relationship ended shortly before I left New York. Clearly that had nothing to do with me. Damian couldn’t stand me at that time…
Oh no. There it went again.
Pain. Rejection. Humiliation.
Damn, I couldn’t keep letting those ugly feelings possess me. I couldn’t pledge my path one minute and then get knocked into the dirt because of the past.
But what do I do with this hurt?
“What is it?”
I pulled myself from my troubled thoughts, hurt feelings, and looked at Damian. What was I supposed to do? Focus on this moment right now. Then the one after that. And then after that.
“I’m fine.”
“That’s not what I asked,” he said softly.
I recognized that particular tone. It was the one he employed before discipline. I tightened my thighs, feeling the need to alleviate the delicious ache between them. Sex and spankings would be so fucking lovely right now.
I didn’t have to see my reflection to know my eyes were fever-bright. “Ah, right. How could I forget what a stickler you are for the right phrasing?”
Damian didn’t respond to my misdirection the way I hoped. Instead he studied me thoroughly, as if to pull my wayward thoughts free himself. He looked down. I relaxed my legs even though he couldn’t possibly see them beneath the table.
“Are you finished eating, Risa?”
I got up quickly and grabbed my bowl. “Yeah. I’ll just wash this up and—”
Damian’s hand wrapped around my wrist. “Don’t worry about it.”
“No, it’ll just take a minute to wash up.”
He tugged me on his lap. “Put it down.”
That soft silken whisper was impossible for me to resist. As well as the warmth of his body penetrating mine.
He’s given a little bit of control today. Now it’s your turn.
Limp in his arms, I curled into Damian without further thought. His hand smoothed down my hair and back. I closed my eyes, obscenely enjoying the comfort he so readily gave me.
“You need me, Risa. Remember that and know I am always here for you.”
I nuzzled his neck with the tip of my nose. His scent soothed me while making him want more. “I miss you.”
Damian let out a sound that seemed a cross between a sigh and groan. “I’m right here.”
“I know.”
“Do you really?” He settled his touch on the nape of my neck. “What hurt you? Tell me.”
“You mean other than the obvious being you?”
“Yes. Tell me more about those feelings.”
Tracing a pattern on his arm, I argued softly, “I thought you didn’t hold yourself responsible for New York.”
His chest expanded with a deep breath. “I don’t. It wasn’t me. But…but it hurt you and I want to know.”
“You don’t want to know,” I sighed as he moved his touch to the tense muscles high on my back. “Really you don’t.”
“I asked, didn’t I?”
“Think you can handle it?” I meant it to be a tease but it came out as a melancholy statement.
“When it comes to you? I can handle anything.” He tipped my chin up until I could look him in the eye. “Except you keeping things from me—and leaving.”
Now might be as close to perfect to share how I felt. Damian was receptive and the hole in my chest hurt so much it cut into my breath. But I didn’t want to talk about it. Not because Damian wouldn’t listen but because we needed to focus on the present.
Getting in front of this deadly problem and putting it to bed.
“I was thinking about Gretchen.”
“Oh?”
Damian kept his expression composed in its customary neutral lines but I saw the flicker of wariness. He expected me to ream him about his conflicted loyalty.
The temptation to kiss his trepidation away rose within. Instead, I used my mouth to say, “Thinking of Gretchen brought up the ugly feelings, but that’s not what I’m
focused on. Something came to me, a suspicion if you will, and I’m not sure how to say it or if I should. That’s why I got…well, you know.”
“You’re thinking of something pertinent to this situation, Risa. You’ve connected lines. Share them.”
“It might not be anything. In fact, I’m probably wrong.”
Voicing my suspicions about Gretchen would make me look like a vindictive bitch. And I was really trying hard not to be one. Especially now.
But what if? What if someone got to Gretchen? Or at least overheard her talking to girlfriends or something? Can I rule anything out?
Damian’s lips feathered across the nape of my neck. Goosebumps immediately rolled over my skin. Dropping my head back against his strong shoulder, I heard him say, “Don’t carry this alone. Tell me so I can help.”
I kept my eyes closed, knowing there wasn’t anything to do but share my unsubstantiated thoughts while keeping the rest buried.
“I was targeted in connection with you, but why? No one outside of four people knew I was once in a relationship with you.”
Damian stiffened beneath me, a growl working its way out of his throat.
“Don’t get mad. You asked.”
He inhaled, exhaled, and then said, “There is no ‘was’.”
“Pardon?”
What did I miss? I replayed what I said and still came up empty.
“You said you were in a relationship with me. You’ve always been in a relationship with me. Past, present, and future.”
I bit back a completely inappropriate grin. It was sweet in an overbearing Damian kind of way. I instantly sobered. This was too serious of a conversation to get distracted.
“That’s not the point,” I said sharply to him, but more to myself.
“It is the point, Risa, because I adore you endlessly.” He followed up the declaration with a nip of his teeth against my neck.
Sagging across his arm, I complained, “Damian, you’re distracting me. I’d swear you’re doing it on purpose.”
“Maybe.” Damian kissed the tender spot he just bit. “Keep going.”
I didn’t think it was a good idea. I didn’t want to be right about it.
“If only four people knew about us then logic would suggest the leak came from there.” I paused, waiting for Damian’s denial. When it didn’t come I rushed out with “But none of them would ever have reason to say anything. Besides, they weren’t the only ones.”
“Explain.”
“Well, there was the guards and security in Switzerland. There was also the nurses and doctors. I mean, it was probably pretty clear how I felt about you.”
Damian rubbed his hand in lazy circles across my belly. “And just what did you feel, Risa?”
“You know.”
“I want to hear it anyways. Indulge me.” His hand dipped lower on my belly.
Pressing my thighs closer together, I suffered a delicious heat growing hotter with each teasing brush of his large hand.
This was bad and that was why it felt so good. Did he know I needed him like this?
Of course, he did. He pays attention to everything about you at all times. He can probably tell how wet you are right now.
“I felt love, Damian.”
“Tell me. I want to hear everything.”
“I loved you intensely. I barely slept or ate while you were in a coma. I lived like I was half-dead.”
I wished I could say I was removed from the telling. I wasn’t. I got sucked right back into those uncertain days, terrified the man I loved would get fatally worse.
Damian breathed gently against my neck. “That’s why you got so thin.”
“Yes. Missing meals does that to a person.”
“I wondered. I’d seen you punish yourself with exercise but I didn’t know it came from missing meals as well.”
“It was due more to stress.”
“Hmm. Needless to say, I’m making it my mission to feed you several times a day until you get back to your healthy weight.”
“I gained a good amount of the weight back in…” My voice died off, but I resolutely finished. “My mom fed me well.”
“She did. You’re still not as I remembered.”
“You don’t have to concern yourself with me, Damian. I’m fine.”
“Of course, you are.” His tone said he didn’t believe me one bit. He slid his arm against mine. “It doesn’t matter how many times you say it, Risa. I won’t listen.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you.”
My breath caught in my throat. “That isn’t how it’s supposed to work, Damian.”
“No? Says who?”
I let out a shaky sigh. It was heavy with the tears I wouldn’t shed. “It hurts when you do this.”
“Why?”
“Because loving you kills me.”
29
God, that wasn’t what I meant to say!
Not true. You meant it.
Damian froze beneath me. He then pressed me tighter against his chest. “I regret that my love for you has been so painful, Risa. I would give anything for it to be different.”
Tears pricked my eyes. I half-turned in his lap. “Don’t say that because I don’t regret loving you.”
“Even now?”
“Especially now.”
He moved the hair off my shoulder. “Even after everything you saw? After what you saw me do.”
“You did that for me. Of course, I won’t judge you for that or think any less of you.” Damian’s need for reassurance softened me. I touched his beautiful face. “I’ve always loved you. That’s not the problem, Damian.”
Actually it was but not the way he thought.
“Then what is it? Why can’t we start over, from here? Today. Now.”
“We have. I’m with you, Damian. Forever. I mean it.”
“But you still can’t forget what happened.”
I wanted to tell him I could, that it was already done. But it would be a lie.
“Not yet.”
“Why?”
If he sounded impatient or furious then I’d snap back with the same intensity. Instead, Damian sounded confused. Wounded even.
“It’ll take time.”
“Time.”
“I want to forget. Honestly, I do.” I looked at him, my heart in my eyes, and ran my fingers through his thick hair. “It’s just that I can’t forget, Damian. I loved you but you didn’t love me. And that’s the problem.”
He blinked. A wall came down. “You’re talking about that.”
“Yes. What did you think I was talking about?”
“It’s not important.” The wall broke and frustration gleamed bright in his eyes. “And what’s this madness of I didn’t love you? How many times do I have to tell you? I always loved you, Risa. I just didn’t know it at that time. I fought instead of embracing it. You got caught in the crossfire. My feelings for you have never wavered. My heart recognized you even when my mind didn’t.”
Oh God. I could almost believe him. Almost.
If that was really the truth then we could move on with a clean slate. We’d never have to talk about this again and the ugly time in New York could be another skeleton we buried.
But it wasn’t that simple. Or maybe I was just a hateful bitch who had an unforgiving heart?
I didn’t know and I no longer had faith in how I saw the past. I just knew I was trying and I hurt. I wanted the pain to end, but forgetting wasn’t going to help.
Neither was denying the past.
“Damian, please don’t say things like that.”
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
“No. It’s revisionist history. I was loved by you once. I know what it felt like. New York wasn’t love.”
Damian sighed. “Little girl, I hate to burst your bubble, but you didn’t recognize my love the first time around either. Wasn’t there something along the lines of you thought I looked at you like I hated you while I was deep inside here?”
He suddenly cupped me between my thighs. I arched up, letting my legs fall wide open.
Staring up at the beamed ceiling, I found it difficult to keep my position. Especially when Damian moved his palm in a small, tight circle.
Delicious didn’t begin to cover it. Each stroke was the prelude of a million memories, raw, profane, and divine. I drew my legs up, clamping his hand between my thighs long enough to flirt by saying, “Let’s try it again so you can jog my memory.”
Which helped nothing.
Damian whispered, “Stay with me and answer my question.”
“Meanie.” I let my legs fall back down. Licking my lips, I managed to say, “You’re right. I did struggle with knowing the difference between your indifference and your affection.”
Damian slapped my pussy. I felt the pressure against my clit and let out a ragged cry. The sting turned into wet pleasure.
“I was never indifferent to you. Never.” He resumed the sensuous circle, dragging me down into a beautiful hell.
“But I didn’t know that. Not in Austin and not in New York.”
My hand hovered over his. Forcing him to stop and forcing him to keep his carnal torments conflicted.
“Exactly. I can’t presume to say I understood that person’s reasoning in New York, but I do know love was a driving force.”
Perhaps it was petty of me to keep pushing the point, especially since it would be so easy to fall into Damian’s seduction, but I couldn’t let it go. He didn’t suffer this. I did.
Neither of us would be able to fully move on without complete truth.
“If there was love it was for Gretchen. Not for me. Nothing you say will change it.”
Damian stilled. “You’re wrong.”
“No, I’m not—”
“Enough.” He stood up abruptly, taking me with him.
“What are you doing?” I cried out while clutching his wide shoulders.
“Taking you to bed so we can sort this out.”
30
DAMIAN
Risa officially had her own bedroom next to mine. I had no intention of letting her sleep there alone. Even if all we did was sleep clothed and chaste as virgins. Better I proved it now than later.