‘I don’t know, Daddy. If you and Mummy have another little girl, what would you like to be her name?’
‘Oh, hard question, Anna.’
Louis’ rasping breath was worrying Cat.
‘C’mon now Anna, that’s enough questions for today.’
‘No, it’s all right, Cat. I just thought of a name. The Duke and Duchess of York’s little daughter, is Elizabeth. I like that name.’ He smiled at Cat directing the suggestion to her. ‘So shall we call the new baby Elizabeth if she’s a girl?’
Anna smiled. ‘I like that name.’
‘I think we all do,’ Cat nodded. ‘Elizabeth it is then.’
59
Eltham
18th April 1930
‘Someone at the door, Mummy,’ Billy called from his bedroom, so Cat, drying her hands, hurried from the scullery to open it.
‘Dada! Oh Dada!’
Ned dropped his bag and opened his arms to hug Cat.
‘I came as soon as I got yer telegram. Jesus, I’m that sorry Cat. How bad is it?’
She pulled away a little, caught him by the hand and drew him inside the house.
‘C’mon in,’ she whispered, ‘we don’t want to talk out here.’
Ned picked up his bag and swung it into the hallway.
‘’Tis bad, Dada. I’ve to tell the children; but can’t pluck up the courage.’ She wrung her hands together. ‘I’m so thankful ye’ve come. Dear God, this is the answer to a prayer.’
They went into the parlour and he pulled Cat into his arms. She sobbed against his chest, thinking to herself that she would never be held in Louis’ arms again.
Ned sighed. ‘C’mon now, ye go right ahead and have a good cry. What a hand ye’ve been dealt. What a hand!’
Billy appeared in the doorway.
‘Granddad! ’ he said dropping the book he was holding. He rushed to embrace him. ‘I didn’t know you were coming.’
‘No, I didn’t know meself either until I was on the train and on me way, then me head caught up with me body.’
Ned did some mock boxing with Billy then pulled the boy toward him again and hugged him.
’Tis good to see ye, Billy.’ He held the boy at arm’s length looking at him from top to toe, ‘Ye’re lookin’ grand, and so grown up!’
Hearing a commotion, the girls then came into the room and Eileen joined in the excitement with Billy.
Anna slipped her hand into Cat’s, burying her face against her mother’s body as Eileen glanced across at Cat.
‘Have you been crying, Mummy?’
Cat looked across at Ned, shrugged her shoulders and sat down.
‘C’mere. All of ye. I’ve somethin’ to tell ye.’
Silenced, the children gathered around Cat; and Ned stood watching his daughter tell his grandchildren their daddy was going to die.
* * *
Cat ripped the telegram open and read the four words printed on the inside:
COME QUICK, SINKING FAST.
Her mouth dried and her legs began to shake. Gripping the edge of the table she fell into a chair, calling to Ned who was in the scullery shaving. He appeared immediately in the doorway, wiping his chin with a towel. Barely able to speak, her breath coming in short bursts, she held out the telegram for him to read.
‘Dada. I have to go to the hospital immediately.'
Ned went to her instantly and took her hands in his.
Cat, mo chuisle. If ’tis God’s will to take him, then go he must. Ye have Louis’ children and he’s left ye with the finest gift a man can give. A family. Let’s pray together, Pet.’
They knelt on the parlour floor and Ned prayed that Louis’ passing be as quick and painless as possible; and asked God to open the doors of Heaven and admit him.
When they had finished praying Cat rose and went to the bedroom to collect her outdoor clothes. She opened the wardrobe door and took out her coat and boots. When she saw Louis’ old army greatcoat hanging on the rail she wanted to wrap herself in the material; bury her face in the fabric; anything to be near him to experience him once more.
Sitting on the bed her thoughts of Louis avalanched into her mind. Like an album of snapshots her memories flicked over each picture of him: all those years ago as a dashing young soldier inviting her to tea in the barracks, their developing love when Louis had serenaded her playing the violin after haymaking; being away in the war, their wedding, their ups and downs, the children. And soon he would be gone.
Inside her, deep within the very cortex of her mind, Louis had taken up residence and she didn’t know how she could go on living without him.
They had made such plans. When they were such and such an age they would do this, and then when they were old they would go home to Ireland and live there because the children would all have flown the nest. This wasn’t the way things should be. She felt it defied the natural order of things.
And then the child in her womb stirred as though reminding Cat that it would never even know its father. She slumped forward, her hand reaching out to touch the arm of his greatcoat but the sleeve was empty of the man.
Automatically she put on her boots, laced them up, and then donned her coat. She fumbled with buttons that wouldn’t go through the buttonholes, and then placed her hat on her head. She dropped the hatpin on the floor but when she bent to pick it up between her numbed fingertips, she couldn’t feel it.
She felt as though someone had hit her head with an iron bar and that she was in some sort of bewildered trance. It wasn’t really her going through the motions of preparing to see Louis for the last time. Totally adrift, it was as if she was in a boat without oars. Even Ned’s voice seemed distant and muffled as he called her from outside the door.
When Cat didn’t answer he opened her bedroom door.
‘Are ye ready, Pet?’
She was standing before the window staring out onto the garden, where the promise of summer swayed tantalizingly before her eyes in every blossom.
‘Cat, I think I’ll come with ye. Is there someone who will watch over the children?’
She seemed to emerge from her reverie.
‘Oh, yes. Mrs. Pierce next door.’
‘Right then. I’ll go ask her now.’
He disappeared and Cat continued to stare out of the window, immobilised.
When Ned reappeared he gently guided her from the bedroom into the parlour.
Mrs. Pierce was in the room. How did Mrs. Pierce get there, she wondered?
More muffled conversation between Mrs. Pierce and Ned took place and then Cat was aware of her father holding her arm as they went down the steps into the garden out onto the road ahead.
60
Royal Free Cancer Hospital, London
April 23 1930
Louis’ bed was empty when they arrived. Shocked, Cat turned to Ned.
‘We’re too late.’
Then the Ward Sister appeared and beckoned her into a side room where Louis lay struggling to breathe. The Sister whispered to Cat.
‘He’s holding on. I think he knew you were coming, Mrs. Ross.’
The nurse and Ned then left the room, closing the door to leave Cat and Louis alone.
Cat leaned over and kissed him.
‘Louis, I’m here.’
‘Cat? Oh Lord Cat, how will you manage?’
‘Don’t worry Louis; ye’ve enough to think about. Don’t worry about me and the children.’
‘But the baby. I should have─’
‘Louis. ’Tis a gift from God. Somethin’ between us, like the others. Don’t fret.’
Her words seemed to pacify him and he looked at rest. Then he became agitated again.
‘I haven’t─’
‘What, my darlin’? Haven’t what?’ She waited as his laboured breathing filled the air with rasping sounds. ‘What haven’t you done, Pet?’
‘Said, how much you filled my life, my soul. Wanted it to be forever.’
Her tears fell unchecked, dropping onto his
pillow as Cat struggled to remain controlled. She couldn’t run away and couldn’t escape from the room because it was all too painful. She knew she had to sit there and see it out as this would be their last conversation.
Louis slept for a while and Cat sat waiting and wondering how much longer he had.
A priest had been summoned and he quietly slipped into the room, opened his bag discreetly and put on his garments for reading Louis the last rites.
After a while, Louis seemed to rouse again.
‘Cat, my love.’ The rasping breaths continued, interspersed with his words of love.
‘First time I saw you. I knew you were the one.’ He stopped talking and became restful.
She sat rigidly in the chair afraid to move, watching his chest rise and fall, listening to the rasp of breath.
The priest came round to her side of the bed and took hold of Cat’s hand.
‘Cat?’
‘Yes, Louis I’m here, Pet,’ she said and took hold of his hand.
Suddenly he opened his eyes, looked at her and said in a very clear voice. ‘Cat. Don’t let go.’
‘I won’t, Louis. I won’t.’
61
Eltham
May 2nd 1930
The sun was high overhead as six jet-black horses with black feathered plumes across their bridles stopped outside the gate. Cat saw their shining flanks quivering occasionally as they waited, but only their perfectly groomed tails showed any sign of movement in the May morning sun.
Her heart palpitated in her chest but she was determined to see things through with dignity. She would be brave, for Louis’ sake.
Seeing the funeral director and coffin bearers approach the house, she slipped her arm though Ned’s and he squeezed it tight. Then she released his grip and went along the hallway to open the door.
As the door opened the funeral director bowed his head.
‘We are ready to receive your husband now, Madam.’
Speechless, Cat merely stepped aside and the black-coated men went quietly into the parlour.
‘Wait,’ she called. ‘Wait just a moment please,’ and she pushed through the men who had gathered around the coffin, about the screw down the lid.
‘Let me say one more goodbye, please.’
For the last time, Cat leaned over and kissed Louis’ lips, his closed eyes and his forehead, and murmured. ‘Goodbye, my darlin’.’
Then, unable to watch the men closing the lid on Louis, she turned away and went into the scullery to wait with the rest of the family.
They all stood listening until finally they heard the last sounds of the men’s feet scuffing through the parlour, along the hallway and out of the front door.
Soon after, the funeral director returned and said they were ready to go; so, composed, Cat left the house supported by Ned.
Following Cat and Ned was Billy holding hands with Marie. Maeve came next holding hands with Eileen and Anna. Peggy and Breda followed with Lize, Iris and Fred, Maureen and Reggie. Louis’ mother, unable to walk the two miles to the cemetery, was absent.
Led by Cat and Ned they all went quietly to stand in place behind the glass-sided hearse. The only sound breaking the silence was the gentle clinking of the bridles as the horses moved their heads, as their black plumed feathers lifted and fell in the slight breeze.
In the stillness Cat became vaguely aware of neighbours lining the roadside to pay their last respects; of curtains drawn on every home; the men lifting their hats, and the sound of horses’ hooves clashing against cobbles as they became impatient to proceed.
The funeral director stepped up to her and asked if she was ready to go and when she nodded, the hearse drew gently away.
As they left, Cat’s mind raced through past events. She thought about the home they had lived in which had known both harsh times and laughter. Visions of their life together flashed through her mind. All the joint memories kaleidoscoped, and she found it hard to grasp that they were now taking this last journey together, moving towards Louis’ final resting place, where he would lie alone in perpetuity.
Throughout the walk Cat was transfixed with the sound of the coffin bearers’ boots crunching along in unison with the wheels of the hearse and the clip clop of horses’ hooves. The rhythm somehow soothed her. It felt like the ticking of a clock.
On and on she walked, thinking that life was just like a treadmill, and that they were all on it together. Sometimes, she thought, someone just steps off the wheel a bit earlier than the rest. Ultimately she knew that her parents, her sisters, her children and herself would all step off somewhere, at some time, further along in time from life’s eternal wheel.
Walking in the early summer sun, up slight inclines and down gently sloping roadways, became therapeutic to her. If only she could just go on walking like this, with Louis in front of them and the children behind. She could walk forever and not let this day end. Just to walk on endlessly, following her man.
After a mile the procession stopped and the funeral director approached Cat and said they would rest for five minutes.
Ned thanked him and took a hip flask out of his pocket. He offered the canteen to Cat.
‘Here, I’ve brought some water for ye.’
She took it without a word, drank some, and handed it back.
‘When you are quite ready, Madam,’ the funeral director said, ‘we will go on, but please take your time, there is no hurry.’
Cat looked at him quizzically. No hurry? No, she thought, there’s no hurry. Time means nothing at all now. There’s no today, no tomorrow, and no next week or anything anymore. It didn’t matter how much time it took to get there, the longer the better, because it meant Louis was still with them.’
She nodded to Ned. ‘I’m ready now. We’ll make a start again.’
So he indicated to the funeral director that they should go and once more they began following the hearse along the cobbled road.
* * *
The priest blessed Louis’ coffin with holy water and the coffin bearers lowered him slowly into the grave.
Cat watched as the oak casket bumped the sides of the hole on its way downward and felt angry, wishing they would be more careful.
Ned, sensing her anguish, squeezed her arm and stepped forward to take up a handful of earth. He handed it to her and one by one the children stepped forward and did the same.
The priest was chanting.
‘Ashes to ashes, dust-to-dust, earth-to-earth.’
She took one final look at the coffin and with her eyes shut threw in her handful of earth. The children watched her and did the same, then wiped their hands on their clothes.
Cat left the cemetery with the children and stood for a while looking over the stone wall as the gravediggers filled in the grave. Then sadly she turned and began walking home to life without Louis.
Part Four
62
Hogan Stables, Fethard
May 1933
‘Paddy! Will ye look at me?’ Marie called as he leaned on the paddock gate.
‘Sure, I am after lookin’ at ye, Madam!’
‘Well, here I go now,’ she laughed as she spurred the pony into a canter to jump the pole propped up on two straw bales. As she landed Marie looked back to see if Paddy was still watching, and in that moment became unseated and fell off.
Quickly Paddy unlatched the gate and ran to where she lay motionless.
‘Are ye hurt, Marie?’ he asked lifting her from the ground, but she was limp and fear gripped him.
‘Oh God, don’t let her be hurt,’ he murmured.
Suddenly she giggled.
‘Huh! That fooled ye!’
‘Oh ye little devil,’ he said dropping her, ‘I thought ye were dead.’
Marie pointed a finger at him.
‘Ha ha, that caught ye out.’
She scrambled to her feet and continued to laugh as he chased her around the paddock. When he caught hold of her, he tickled her until she yelled for him to stop. But
he wasn’t prepared to give in that easily,
‘Say ye’re sorry then,’ he demanded.
‘Oh sure I am.’
He let go of her.
‘Don’t ye be cheekin’ me now, Marie, or I’ll have to set about ticklin’ ye again,’ he said breathing heavily, ‘Now, get back in the saddle and finish off yer exercises before I put her away for the night.’
Paddy lit a cigarette and stood watching Marie remount the pony, then sit perfectly straight in the saddle and trot around the paddock practicing her show jumping.
He checked the time on his watch.
‘Now then. Same time tomorrow and we’re ready for the show on Saturday, where we intend to win – is that right?’
Marie jerked her head to flick the hair off her face and smiled at him
In her face Paddy suddenly saw a vision of Cat. His chest constricted and he felt his jaws tighten in the familiar way he once experienced whenever he heard Cat’s name, or saw someone that reminded him of her.
All these years later, and he still could not rid himself of anger at being jilted. She haunted his dreams; burned a huge jealous streak into the calm of his life. Damn her, he thought!
Marie called to him and reluctantly he dragged his thoughts into the present. He opened the gate to allow her to trot through with the pony then closed it behind her.
Smirking, she looked down at him.
‘Thank ye yer Lordship.’
‘Don’t ye get too cheeky young lady,’ he laughed as she steered the pony towards the stable.
Marie turned in the saddle at the stable door. ‘Are ye goin’ to rub her down or will I?’
He thought for a moment. ‘Why don’t we do it together, ’twill be quicker.’
‘Right, together it is then,’ she said slipping down from the saddle and began unbuckling the girth strap.
Paddy pulled the saddle off and heaved it up onto the side of the horse stall
‘Now, Miss,’ he said looking serious, ‘ye’ll need to be here nice and early on Saturday, we’ve to plait the tail and give her a good brush before the competition.’
Under the July Sun Page 25