Since then, I’ve always tried to work through bumps and failures in all aspects of my life. This means relationships, too. I don’t give up easily, and I will try to work through all the issues before resorting to breaking up. However, this perseverance strategy seems to only prolong the demise of a doomed relationship. My mom always says that when you meet the right person, it all just clicks. Everything feels easy, and you just “know.” I guess in the context of dating, perseverance is not necessarily the best solution.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? After I got home from dinner last night, I couldn’t sleep. I contemplated continuing this experiment. I hate the idea of giving up on a project that I was excited about, and I don’t want to let down someone who I care about so much. On the other hand, I am in serious fucking pain and this project is making me a little crazy. Sometimes life shits on you and there doesn’t seem to be a right way forward.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? After much consideration, I’ve decided it’s best to end the project. While I hate to quit, my friends are right: I am too ill and have too much on my plate. I need to focus on my health and get rid of any unnecessary stress in my life.
Additional comments? Sorry, Tim.
DAY FIFTEEN: APRIL 3, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? No.
What did y’all do together? We didn’t see each other today because I woke up this morning to a text message at 3:48 AM:
Did anything interesting happen? Jessie went out with a bunch of girlfriends last night. Now, from what I gathered (without sounding too gossipy), this is how it went down:
This project came up in conversation during the course of the night, and it sounds like she was slightly ridiculed for doing a project like this with me. I feel like I was made out to be some sort of heartless Lothario. One girl who was there (whom I still consider a friend) is someone that I slept with over five years ago. I guess that fact came up, too. Obviously, Jessie has already been struggling with her health, and the project, so I think this just solidified her decision to walk away.
It’s hard not to be disappointed, but I’m not going to fight her about it. She has to do what’s best for herself, and it seems like this project has become too much of a burden for her considering her health issues. I just wish we could have had a conversation about it.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? I’m learning that she can be very easily swayed. I wish she had stood up for herself, and I wish she had stood up for me. While I understand that her friends are only looking out for her, she knows me better than any of them. That’s what bothers me. Sometimes friends can very easily make it an “Us vs. Them” situation.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Our past will always come back in some form, and we have to be ready to deal with it. When I was younger, I gave guilt trips to some of my girlfriends about their past relationships. Thankfully, I don’t do that anymore, and this is a reminder of how much it sucks to be judged for my past.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? This relationship is ruining our relationship. The main point of this project is for Jessie and me to work on our past issues with sincerity. I’m trying to support her through these headaches, and I’ve deliberately tried to not let anything sexual happen with Jessie for fear of screwing things up. Yet, I feel like my past is still being used as a way to divide us.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Everything. How can I purchase a time machine?
Additional comments? We talked a couple times during the day. Honestly, I don’t know what to say.
DAY SIXTEEN: APRIL 4, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? No.
What did y’all do together? We tried to meet up to discuss the end of the project. However, I had another doctor’s appointment and had to work very late on client work at the studio. We talked on the phone a few times throughout the day instead.
Did anything interesting happen? Tim sounded extremely sad and disappointed that I wanted to end the project. At times in the conversation he sounded vulnerable and insecure. He doesn’t want to let go, he really wants us to make it through the full forty days. As the conversation progressed, the guilt of quitting on him started to eat away at me.
I also couldn’t help but remind myself that his fear of abandonment is very real, and this is just adding to the guilt. Even if this isn’t a romantic relationship, I don’t want to abandon him. I gave him my word, and I want to honor my commitment. But things are not okay, and we both need to figure it out. It reminds me of this saying: “In the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not yet the end.”
I called him late tonight to let him know I was willing to push through and continue with the project if he was, too. He said he was.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Tim continues to be wishy-washy around the romantic possibilities between us. He continues to show signs of interest through flirtation, but when I try to reciprocate, he pulls back. It’s confusing.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? His ambiguity stirs up some insecurities on my end, too. If I like a guy and he’s interested, then that’s great! If not, I move on. I don’t need to chase him. It’s not possible to move on in the context of this bizarre experiment, though. I have to see him for another twenty-four days, so my mind just wanders in circles. He says he wants to change and settle down, and he says he’s interested in me, so then what is the hold up? Is he really that afraid? Is he looking for something that I don’t have? Why do I care so much?
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I’m now 100 percent committed to finishing the experiment with Tim.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I need to become more comfortable with ambiguity. And I need to let go of the hopes that this could turn into something more.
Additional comments? The doctor gave me a new medication to try. I want to stay positive about it all. Like other shitty things in life, I am confident this too shall pass.
DAY SIXTEEN: APRIL 4, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Nope.
What did y’all do together? Jessie called me late last night and asked me if I still wanted to do the project. I told her I was obviously still up for it, but she needs to be sure.
Did anything interesting happen? We agreed to just focus on each other. We tried to hang, but she was working late, and I had a dinner with my studio manager. Which is fine. I think it’s good to let the emotions simmer down before we start up again.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? I really think she’s crazy. And I really think it’s turning me on.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Sometimes it’s hard for me to let things go. All day I was thinking about what Jessie’s friends said yesterday. I have to live with the consequences of my actions, but hearing this brings new perspective. I’m thankful for it.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Jessie and me against the world!
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I have to give her more certainty and intimacy, and I hope she can get some help with her headaches and insomnia. We need to find some sort of balance or we’ll never make it.
Additional comments? I told my buddy Greg that the project was back on. We’re both super paranoid about going bald, so this gave me a much needed laugh.
DAY SEVENTEEN: APRIL 5, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? We had our weekly therapy session with Jocelyn.
Did anything interesting happen? I talked to my personal therapist about Tim’s fear of trying this with me, despite his obvious interest. My therapist reminded me how insecurity is at the core of the fear of commitment. He suggested that I could try being completely open with the reasons that I like him,
which might make him feel more secure. He quickly followed this statement by warning me that this plan very well might backfire!
I used our couples therapy with Jocelyn as the time to try this. I put it all out there: I think he is good-looking. He is fun to hang out with, and we always have a great time together. He’s as spontaneous and silly as I am. He’s as crazy as me, but in different ways. He’s honest, open, and kind. He makes me laugh! I respect him and his work. He is interested in self-growth. He’s sensitive and smart. He understands my passion for design, but we don’t need to talk about it all the time. Last but not least, we work great together creatively. It’s very important to me that I find someone I can collaborate with, formulate ideas with, and just make shit with. I also know how rare it is to find this.
After I told him all this, Tim seemed genuinely confused and taken aback. He asked me how I could possibly like him considering everything that has happened, considering his past, considering his reputation, considering that he has blond hair and that he’s not my usual “type.” I told him that besides his serious commitment issues and all the shit that goes with it, I think we could be a pretty good fit.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? He said he is concerned about what people will think of him if the relationship becomes intimate. He’s worried about falling back into his old habits and hurting me. Jocelyn reminded him that all relationships are a risk. I reminded him that I understood the risks, and thought that we were both over thinking things. Lets just try this out.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? After all the discussion today about commitment-phobia, I read a few articles on the topic. Tim definitely meets most of the criteria for being a commitment-phobe. And I definitely relate to that last line!
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? He knows all my feelings about him now, so the ball is really in his court. I am interested to see how this will unfold.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I want to have fun with this all, no matter what happens.
Additional comments? While I am still not feeling well, I’m realizing how much a positive outlook can help. I feel optimistic today.
DAY SEVENTEEN: APRIL 5, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? I did.
What did y’all do together? Therapist appointment.
Did anything interesting happen? We talked about Jessie quitting the experiment and what happened a couple days ago. Jocelyn talked about how vulnerable we are to our friends’ opinions. Ultimately, some of the things our friends are saying are a mirror of what we’re actually feeling. That’s why we don’t like hearing them. We also discussed the idea of taking our relationship further and what that could mean. Although nothing has become physical yet, she said we’re both doing what we always do in relationships: Jessie wants more and more, and I pull away more and more. Now, it’s up to us to tackle this. Are we going to fall into the same habits or are we going to switch up?
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jessie got rest! She’s upbeat, positive, and full of life. She’s like a completely different person. I love this. Also, lately she’s had her glasses on and her hair up, which I’m a sucker for. Who doesn’t like the sexy librarian look?
Did you learn anything new about yourself? We discussed what her quitting means to me. Jocelyn brought up an interesting point: How often do you ever get to hear what people really think about you? Everyone has a reputation in one way or the other, but do you ever get to hear about yours unsolicited?
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Jessie was very open today about being interested in me. I feel bad that I’m confused about what I want, but after what happened the other night, I’m even more defensive about it. I feel like we’re just going in circles with this. If she could just ease up on the gas a bit, then I’d be more willing to come around.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? We need to get back on track and take it slowly.
Additional comments? I had dinner with a good buddy of mine tonight. He’s in a serious relationship, and during our conversation, something dawned on me: All my friends who are in serious relationships think being single is just NONSTOP fun. I guess they believe this because (1) it’s been so long that they forgot what it’s like, and (2) they’re only hearing the highlights. For example, if I can use the “Baseball Metaphor” in a different way: Watching baseball is long and boring and the excitement spreads over nine innings, but if you catch the highlights on ESPN then you get to see all the action jammed into a two-minute span. My friends only hear the highlights once a month, but they don’t hear about all those long, tireless innings full of eating bad food and drinking beer alone in the stands. If Jessie and I were using a scorecard for the first seventeen days of this project within the “Baseball Metaphor” rules, it would be wildly uneventful. Remember: First Base is kissing; Second Base is hands under dress; Third Base is hands in the pants; Home Plate is sex. This is how my scorecard would look.
DAY EIGHTEEN: APRIL 6, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? My design/business partner Stefan and his fiancée, Veza, left a letter on my desk at work. It said “40 days. One evening for Romance. Much love.” Inside were two tickets to go see Leonard Cohen at Radio City Music Hall. So lovely and thoughtful, as they always are!
An hour before the show I couldn’t find the tickets anywhere. I tore up my apartment trying to find them but they were nowhere to be found. I was extremely embarrassed and angry at myself. I’m normally more responsible, but the last few weeks have been overwhelming and I feel frazzled. I couldn’t believe my stupidity, and it bothered me the entire night.
Tim thinks I need to go a little easier on myself. Tim suggested we head over to MObar at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. We had a few ginger mojitos and talked about life. Everything from past relationships and experiences to work, goals for the future, and the universe. At one point in the conversation he grabbed my hand and held it. Finally! His touch was welcomed, and it felt very nice. We continued to touch and hold hands throughout the night.
Did anything interesting happen? On the way out of the bar we ran into Laura, my old advisor from high school. I hadn’t seen her in over ten years! She helped me through a rough patch, which I opened up to Tim about on the cab ride home. After I told him the story, he grabbed and kissed me. We kissed the entire cab ride. I invited him up to my apartment. We opened a bottle of red wine, and we continued to kiss on the couch. I could have kissed him all night, but he didn’t want to rush things, and he left early.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? I don’t think Tim likes to dance. Late last night we were texting about possibly hanging out. When I told him I was going out dancing, he stopped responding.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I was always a terrible dancer. In college, I was nicknamed “the finger dancer,” as I was too shy and self-conscious to dance. I’d move my fingers back and forth at parties.
My younger sister Lauren has the exact opposite personality of me. She’s naturally extremely outgoing, confident, and she couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of her. Over the years, I’ve learned to adopt a bit of her fearlessness toward life, and I’m much more outgoing and open now. Every once in a while I get this urge to let loose and dance. I’ve been working long nights, and my headaches feel better today, so I was ready for a night out last night. My sister is really into the electronic music scene, so we went out with a friend to a place called Output. I know I’m just as awkward at dancing as I always was, but I can enjoy it now! I must say it’s extremely liberating when you stop caring what people think.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Good! The intimacy with Tim was nice. I’m excited to see where things might go from here.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I guess I should go a li
ttle easier on myself—I am only human. I’d like to be more fearless. And I should definitely keep a closer eye on $300 concert tickets.
Additional comments? That’s all.
DAY EIGHTEEN: APRIL 6, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? Her partner Stefan gave us tickets to see Leonard Cohen at Radio City Music Hall. However, an hour before the show started, Jessie couldn’t find the tickets! We still tried to get in, unsuccessfully. Since we were already in Midtown, I suggested that we go to one of my favorite hideaways, MObar at the Mandarin Hotel.
Did anything interesting happen? A couple hours later, we were holding hands. It felt like a big relief. We left around 11:00 PM, started making out in the cab, and we went right to her apartment. I feel close to her, but I’m also worried about what will happen after hooking up now. I hope I don’t get a thousand questions.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? She felt horrible about losing the tickets. She tends to dwell on that energy and criticize herself even more.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I have powers that I didn’t know were possible. She wanted me to stay over, but I left her apartment around 1:00 AM. We didn’t have sex, and I feel good about that decision.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? A lot better. I feel like part of what happened this past week was built-up sexual frustration. Her bad headaches and my uncertainty have been a deadly match, so hopefully we’ll fly through clearer skies now. It’s like what my friends were saying, “all the bad parts of a relationship with none of the good parts.”
40 Days of Dating: An Experiment Page 8