Additional comments? Not today.
DAY TWENTY-TWO: APRIL 10, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Another day, another dollar.
What did y’all do together? We hung out with our good friend Michael tonight. We all teach at SVA on Wednesday nights, and we usually meet up at a nearby restaurant after class. The place is pretty mediocre, but they do have really good hummus. We call ourselves the “Hummus Club.”
Did anything interesting happen? Jessie called me “sensitive” about five times during the dinner. This really annoyed me. If she was me, I think she’d be “sensitive,” too. Because of her headaches and insomnia, every single day I feel like it’s a different mood, a different attitude, a different problem, a different surprise. It’s become especially hard after she quit the project last week. I’m constantly on guard about everything I do now.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jessie was in tip-top shape tonight. She was full of life, talkative, energetic, and she looked good. Yesterday she was a zombie, but today she looked healthier and more positive than I’ve seen in a while. I love seeing her like this.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Last night, I was on my way to meeting some friends downtown when I randomly ran into a girl I once went on a couple dates with. This was the second time I recently ran into her, so I invited her to join us for a quick beer. She’s a smart girl, she looked beautiful, and I found myself wondering “what if.” I couldn’t help but text her today. However, I felt guilty about texting her and I stopped the conversation.
The story of how I met her probably represents one of the greatest assists by a wingman in the history of modern dating: I was having a beer with my friend John at a French spot after work one night. She and her friend were sitting at the bar, too. I noticed her right when I got there. She had dark Persian features, and the two of them were having a lively conversation. I never made an attempt to talk to her, though. She was at the other end of the bar.
After a drink, John had to get home to his family. I decided to stay for one more. As he was putting on his jacket to leave, he goes up to her, gently sets his hand on her shoulder, and says, “I just want to tell you that you have beautiful eyebrows.” He continues quickly, “And the only reason I can even tell you something like that is because I’m leaving right now and you won’t think I’m hitting on you.”
Before she could even say “thank you” he promptly exits, leaving her unexpectedly blushing, smiling, and laughing. What a move. I mean, who compliments eyebrows? (They are nice eyebrows!) And here I am, by myself, while they slide down to ask me who the hell my crazy friend was. An hour later, after a great conversation, I left with her phone number. Two days later we went on our first date. Later that night he texted me saying, “You’re welcome.”
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? If I’m thinking about other women, then something must be wrong. I’ve been in four serious relationships in my life, I’ve lived with women, and I’ve been fully committed and in love. I was never tempted. The last couple years, however, I’ve let all that go. Is temptation a result of this, or could it be related to my incompatibility with Jessie? Are all men like this as they get older? And if so, is wondering about other women healthy or is it only detrimental? It reminds me of an old Chris Rock joke where he says, “Men don’t settle down, they surrender.”
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Jessie and I asked some of our exes to write a hand-written note about the relationship we experienced with them. Well, I wrote eight girls and ALL of them denied me! Gah! I don’t have the heart to write any more. I wish this wasn’t the case.
Additional comments? Hi, mom!
DAY TWENTY-THREE: APRIL 11, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Unfortunately.
What did y’all do together? We had therapy in the morning. It had to be the most disastrous “date” in dating history.
Did anything interesting happen? Tim started out by expressing his frustration, then declared that he wanted to quit the project. This came as a shock considering his comments about feeling very close to me the night before. He has been the one pushing me to not quit the experiment, and now that I’m 100 percent committed, the tables have turned.
Tim talked to the therapist about being afraid after hooking up on Saturday night. He’s still afraid of hurting me since he is unsure of his intentions. His indecisiveness is getting old, and the therapist said she thought he was being cowardly.
Tim seemed overwhelmed by the pressure, and he began to pick me apart again. He said some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. I have not done anything to deserve this, and have no reason to put up with it. The therapy session ended with me in tears trying to walk away from this experiment once again.
I don’t know how she did it, but Jocelyn somehow managed to calm me down and convince me to stick with it. She pointed out that we shouldn’t be shocked that we were playing out the roles we set out for ourselves in the beginning: I was being overly empathetic and interested in more, and Tim was trying to push me away out of fear of commitment. Big surprise.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? After the therapy session ended, Tim and I had an intense talk on Jocelyn’s doorstep. I told him that I’ve only been understanding and patient, and I wouldn’t stand for this. He apologized for everything he said. He said it was a defense mechanism stemming from his fears about a possible relationship with me. He said he knew I deserved better, and he’d understand if I wanted to walk away. It’s really hard not to be forgiving when I know so much about his past and where all this is coming from. I told him he just needs to figure out what he wants, and stop picking everything apart as a way to avoid it. We hugged. He kissed me. We parted ways.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? I’ve learned a lot about myself from this experiment, but it has been emotionally turbulent and extremely stressful.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I feel deflated right now. While I am usually very good at dealing with criticism, it is hurtful to hear someone you care about say such hurtful things, even if I know he didn’t really mean it. I’ll forgive and forget this time, but I will not let him pick me apart like this again. I want to surround myself with positive energy. I am tired of this.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? I need to let go.
Additional comments? I need to lower my expectations.
DAY TWENTY-THREE: APRIL 11, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? Therapy session from hell.
Did anything interesting happen? Maybe it’s because we’re in the dog days of this experiment, but I’ve never felt more like a mouse in a cage being tested against my will. I feel grimy. I feel very uncomfortable. I feel emotional. For the first time, I thought about quitting the experiment last night. My blasé attitude and unwillingness to commit versus Jessie’s mood swings from her headaches and her resistance to living with uncertainty makes me wonder if this is really worth it. I went into therapy looking for a way out. In the one-hour session, we both threatened to quit the project. I was in a negative mood about this whole thing. I said some hurtful stuff, she got very upset, and she started crying. I know I was being unfair, but she’s also very sensitive about certain topics. It’s a deadly combination sometimes.
The therapist reminded us that people in relationships say hurtful stuff to each other. I apologized to Jessie for what I said. I didn’t mean it, I know I was only trying to push her away. Jocelyn said “fight, not flight!” By the end of therapy we were kissing on the street.
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? I didn’t know she was so sensitive about certain family affairs. She’s very open about a lot of things, but in many ways she’ll shut down on you. It’s just bad energy.
Did you learn anyth
ing new about yourself? I didn’t know I was so insecure about my family’s situation in comparison to hers. I just feel like we have completely different values and ways of looking at things. I know I shouldn’t take this out on her, though. I feel bad for that.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? After therapy, Jessie and I talked outside. She told me that I need to figure out what I want. Honestly, I don’t think this is about me being a commitment-phobe. I’m just not sure I want to be in a relationship with her. But after what just happened today, I think I’ve had enough. I owe it to both of us. I think it’s time I really try this with her.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Jessie wrote me a nice note today.
Additional comments? It’s 2:30 AM right now. I can’t sleep and I’m still feeling neurotic from what happened today. On top of it all, I just got a text from a girl who I occasionally saw before the experiment. I feel tempted to write her back. But if I’m going to try this with Jessie, then I have to let it go! I can’t give in to late-night temptation. The sexter made me think of a Bukowski line that I’ve always liked.
DAY TWENTY-FOUR: APRIL 12, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? Tim emailed me early in the morning with a drawing that he made for me. It had four hands, designed for me to choose one of four period-specific dates. I wish I could tell you how adorable and romantic this gesture was, but I happen to know that he’s used this same exact illustration game on another girl he dated a few months ago! Had any other guy done this for me, I would be swooning. Still, I played along with his game and I chose the “1920s” hand.
After yesterday’s horrible therapy session, I was craving bourbon. I figured the “1920s” option would likely involve a cocktail bar. I was right! He emailed back with a “congrats” drawing and we met at Middle Branch at 8:00 PM.
Did anything interesting happen? We smoothed everything over that happened yesterday, and we were able to enjoy a lovely night out together. We had a drink at the cocktail bar, and then headed over to the jazz club. We listened to the music and shared a plate of mac and cheese with a side of greens. The food was delicious, the music was great, and things felt right.
At one point during the show he took my hand into his. After the jazz show finished, we meandered toward my place, holding hands, laughing about silly things, with plenty of kissing in between. Once we got to my apartment building, I invited him up to my place.
Did you learn anything new about Timothy? He loves jazz music and he knows quite a bit about it. His face lit up as he explained the history of jazz to me. It was very endearing!
Did you learn anything new about yourself? We lay in bed and discussed life, the universe, and religion. I told him I think we’re too young as a species to fully comprehend our place in the universe. So while I don’t subscribe to a religion or believe in a deity, I like to stay open-minded to the infinite possibilities of it all. I think we’re probably just a bunch of lucky stardust, in the right place at the right time, winners of a cosmic lottery. I find beauty in the potential meaninglessness of it all. He said he thinks my views are pessimistic. I never thought of myself as pessimistic, just realistic. I still find everything about this world beautiful, and I approach each day and experience with curiosity. There is so much I want to do in my short time on this earth.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? We had sex. I feel like there was a lot of built-up sexual tension between us these past few weeks, so it was a relief. I enjoyed it, and we had a lot of fun! He didn’t stay over, though, since I have an early flight to catch in the morning for a work trip.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? Less of the stress, more of the sex.
Additional comments? While Tim has opened up to me in many ways, I still feel like he keeps many parts of his life guarded from me. The best physical connections I’ve experienced were in part a deep trust and an emotional intimacy. I wonder if he’ll begin to let me in more now that we’ve become physically intimate. My gut tells me that I will find out very soon.
DAY TWENTY-FOUR: APRIL 12, 2013
Timothy Goodman
Did you see Jessica today? Yes.
What did y’all do together? Earlier in the morning, I sent Jessie an email with a drawing attached. The drawing asked her to “pick a hand” that had four date-themed options.
She picked “1920s” and I tailored the date around that. First, I took her to one of my favorite cocktail spots, Middle Branch. Then we went down the street to a great jazz club to see the drummer Eric Harland and his band.
Did anything interesting happen? We were holding hands at the show. After the jazz club, we went back to her place. What follows *technically* happened on day twenty-five, so I will wait to write about it then...
Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jessie was checking her email during the show! I’m a big jazz fan, so this was sacrilegious to me. I got over it, but this can’t happen again. No, no, not at a jazz show.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? When I was a teenager, I decided I wanted to learn more about jazz. At first, I thought it was a cool thing to tell girls. While I knew there was a real value to be discovered in the music, I just didn’t have the capacity for it at the time. I would, however, draw instruments for fun.
Not until later did I really appreciate the music and understand how jazz played an important role in the fabric of American history. Writer Gerald Early told Ken Burns that “when they study our civilization two thousand years from now, there will only be three things that Americans will be known for: the Constitution, baseball, and jazz music. They’re the three most beautiful things Americans have ever created.”
I’m fascinated by stories of triumph, particularly those of the African American community, and how a people overcome adversity. When I was a child, I grew up in both black and white neighborhoods, so I have an affinity for the culture. Jazz grew out of the Civil War in New Orleans, and by the early 1900s it was linking white middle and upper classes to black entertainers. Anyway, let’s just say that I’m slightly obsessed. Jazz represents improvisation. Jazz represents expression. Jazz represents democracy. Now, let’s get psychological and draw the parallels to my lifestyle decisions!
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Yesterday I said I was going to give this a go, and today was the start. There’s a Thelonious Monk track called “Straight, No Chaser.” That’s how I’m feeling about this right now. Straight to the head, no chasers, no buffers, no apologies.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? When we met for cocktails, we immediately started talking about our therapy session yesterday. I don’t want to always harbor this stuff.
Additional comments? Apparently, she knows I’ve done this “pick a hand” game with other girls I’ve dated. Not very smooth, Tim.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE: APRIL 13, 2013
Jessica Walsh
Did you see Timothy today? Technically. But not really.
What did y’all do together? Since Tim was over past midnight last night, we counted that as our day of seeing each other.
Did anything interesting happen? I had an early flight in the morning for a lecture I was giving. I woke up at 5:00 AM with the most excruciating headache imaginable. It was the worst attack I’ve experienced so far. Despite the pain, I somehow rolled out of bed and hobbled out the door to catch a cab. When I am having these headache attacks, I become extremely sensitive to light or noise. As I was waiting outside for a cab, I felt nauseated. Next thing I knew, I had collapsed on the sidewalk. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it’s always scary.
I went back up to my apartment to rest for a moment, and I tried to figure out what to do. There was no way I could get on that airplane. I felt horrible that I had to cancel. I hate backing out on anything.
Did you learn anything new about
Timothy? He doesn’t carry condoms on him.
Did you learn anything new about yourself? Healthwise, I am an absolute mess. The headaches have been occurring for a month now, and it’s been the fastest downward spiral I’ve ever experienced. The headaches make it difficult to work, so I take Fioricet to make it through the day. The caffeine in the medication has aggravated my insomnia, so I take Sonata or Ativan to get a few hours of sleep when I can. Those medications make me foggy and lower my ability to concentrate, so I drink massive amounts of coffee to stay awake. All of this has caused me to fall behind at work, which is stressful. The stress causes severe back pain, which has intensified the tendonitis in my arm. The stress also causes me to grind my teeth at night, and now I have temporomandibular joint dysfunction. It’s a vicious cycle.
How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? My physical ailments have caused me to become anxious and depressed. I can’t continue like this any longer. While I’ve mostly hidden this from Tim, I know he can sense when I am tired or down, no matter how hard I try to mask it. I can’t care for someone else until I take care of myself first. I need to radically change my lifestyle before I can think about maintaining a healthy relationship.
Is there anything that you want to do differently? The doctors now have me on a scary combination of six different prescription medications, and this doesn’t count the three over-the-counter medications they’ve recommended. The medications I’ve tried so far just seem to cause new issues, and the doctors keep prescribing new medications with each new problem.
Tim suggested I try working out to get healthier. My mom keeps telling me to eat better. My dad, a fellow insomniac, suggests I cut out caffeine and alcohol. From the research I’ve done online, I learned that the headaches can often be cured by cutting out gluten and/or dairy, and eating mostly plant-based foods and lean proteins. As of tomorrow, I am going to start exercising daily, cut back on my caffeine and alcohol intake, and try to completely change my diet. I need to commit to my well-being. When nothing goes right, go left.
40 Days of Dating: An Experiment Page 10