40 Days of Dating: An Experiment

by Jessica Walsh

  It also explains that two people who co-create something will forever be linked. Studies that have been performed indicate that it takes twenty-five to thirty hours for people to really get to “see” one another for the people they are. It makes me wonder about Jessie and me, and how much we really “see” each other after twenty-eight days. I feel a real bond with her right now. We’ve been through a lot. No matter what happens in the next twelve days, I know we’ll be connected forever because of this experience. I’m very happy, she’s my best friend right now.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? Although I can be resistant about things, I really feel like I’m going with the flow. I’m giving this a chance. I’m not freaking out or feeling a need to run away.

  Additional comments? I talked to my grandmother tonight. My grandparents have been together for fifty-six years. If there’s ever been hope for me to make a relationship work, it’s the standard that those two have set. Grams told me that a relationship is about pushing through, not looking for a way out. Then she asked me if it’ll be hard after I no longer have to see Jessica every day. It felt like a hit in my gut. I couldn’t answer her.

  DAY TWENTY-NINE: APRIL 17, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? Tim and I both taught our last class of the semester at SVA.

  Did anything interesting happen? We each passed out cards in our respective classes. The cards asked whether the student was single or in a relationship and why. We collected the cards and were touched by their awesome and uninhibited responses.

  There were a few like this that made me laugh:

  And there were a few like this that made me yearn for love:

  What I love about art/design students is that the realities of working in the “real world” haven’t diluted their ideas and imaginations yet. They are young, but they’re so much more open and honest than many other people. I think age is just an illusion. Some of the youngest people I know are the oldest at heart, and some of the oldest have been the youngest.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Throughout our friendship, Tim has always enjoyed expressing his dating escapades to me. I’ve always poked fun at him, comparing him to a little kid in a candy shop. He gets so excited about all the possibilities of different women, he can’t focus long enough to figure out what he wants. Tonight, Tim was boasting about a few girls he dated before the experiment who have been messaging him recently. He also told me about a beautiful girl he ran into on the street who wanted to meet up with him. For the first time, all this bragging bothered me.

  In therapy, we talked about how this desire for attention can stem from insecurity or low self-esteem. Constant attention provides constant reassurance that we are wanted or loved. I think deep down, no matter how confident we appear, we’re all a little insecure. We want to feel accepted and understood on some level. Some of us seek this through romance, others through family or friendships, and others with work status and merits.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? One of my main goals is to find a way to help or touch people through my work. I’ve been unsure whether or not I want to teach next year since it’s so time consuming. And I was a little insecure about whether I was making a difference. However, after my class, many of the students gave me gifts or came up to thank me for the semester. It gave me the encouragement to stick with it. Even if I only help out a few students a year, I think it’s worth it!

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? After class, my sister came over to my place for a glass of wine. I asked her to fill out one of our cards for the project. She wrote “I’m honestly too cool for any guy to handle.” I had to laugh.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? Throughout my childhood, my sister and I would fight like cats and dogs. We’d argue over everything: attention from my parents, who was better at this or that, and her constant theft of my clothes. We were complete opposites in almost every way. My mom would always say that one day we’d move past it all, and we’d share one of the most meaningful relationships of our lives. I thought this was my mom being overly sentimental.

  A few years ago Lauren moved a few blocks from me, and we’ve grown incredibly close. I’ve finally understood the depth of this “sisterly bond” I’ve always heard so much about. While we have different personalities and different ways of expressing ourselves, I’ve come to realize that we’re similar in so many ways. She’s there for me anytime I need her. She is one of my biggest supporters and closest friends. We grew up together, so she understands me in ways that no one else can. While she continues to use my closet as her own personal cost-free department store, I’ve come to realize how meaningless a few pieces of clothing are in the bigger picture.

  Additional comments? This makes me think about my relationship with Tim. While we’re opposites in almost every way, I think deep down there are many similarities. However differently we may approach something, I think we want the best for each other.

  DAY TWENTY-NINE: APRIL 17, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? Our weekly after-class “hummus club” meeting with our buddy Michael. My students rocked it out tonight. However, it was our last class this year, so no more hummus until September. Over the weekend we made a set of cards that we passed out to our design students tonight. The cards asked them to select an option about being single or being in a relationship. We got some amazing responses back. I always tell them that there are no “rules” to this thing, that it’s important for them to play and work with the truth in their work. College students are usually not afraid to express themselves, and I wasn’t let down. Here are a few of them:

  Did anything interesting happen? Not really. I feel like we’re in that funny moment when we’re not really sure if we should kiss when we see each other. It’s probably my fault.

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? There are girls you date, and there are girls you marry. Jessie is definitely a girl you marry. I think Jessie won’t date a guy she feels is a waste of her time. There needs to be a real possibility for something more. I am much more open to dating someone who I know I don’t want to marry. I have no qualms about dating a girl who only checks some of my boxes, as long as there are a couple that are definitive. But we all have that infamous internal wish list! I did a little online research and found this funny article from the Huffington Post, entitled “10 Types of Women That Men Do Not Want to Marry.” So true.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? If Jessie really is “marriage material,” can I handle that realization? Am I really ready for a girl like that? What do I do if I start getting nervous about this relationship? Wait, am I nervous now? How do I manage that and still be sincere with her? What if I screw it all up? Maybe it’s actually meant to be screwed up? What’s going to happen next? Why am I overthinking this so much? Does she know I’m overthinking this? Am I possibly falling for her?

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I was once friends with an older gentleman named Jim. I could write a book on this guy. Anyway, he always had all these phrases he’d repeat over and over. This situation is reminding me of something he used to always say to me: “A man chases a woman until she catches him.” However, I haven’t been chasing Jessie, so why do I still feel “caught”?

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? She gave me some attitude tonight because I didn’t remember her entire work schedule. Sorry, Jessie, but I have a busy work schedule, too. What I loved about our friendship is that we never talked about design or our work. It was very refreshing to me. Now, inevitably, we talk about it a lot.

  Additional comments? Big thanks to all the SVA students who contributed, along with our friends Julia Hoffmann, Luke Hayman, John Fulbrook, and Michael Freimuth for letting us pass these out in your classes!

&n
bsp; DAY THIRTY: APRIL 18, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Yes.

  What did y’all do together? Another therapy session.

  Did anything interesting happen? Jocelyn asked us what we thought would happen after the experiment ended. I don’t think it will work out unless Tim is ready to change, unless he’s interested in dating me exclusively. I know his past relationship patterns too well. I know he likes to date around, and I know he likes the idea of new girls. I want more than that.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? Jocelyn asked Tim what he thought would happen once the experiment was over, and if he would like to continue to date me. Tim said he hadn’t thought about it yet. How can this have not yet crossed his mind? Men.

  That being said, I am not worried or stressed about what might happen. I am definitely becoming more relaxed and tolerant of all this uncertainty. No sense in worrying—it’s not going to help anything. What will be will be.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? Tim said he was worried about the idea of dating me after the forty days are over, since I have a pretty intense amount of work-related travel coming up. He said he’s tried the long-distance thing before and it didn’t work out. I talked to Jocelyen about my intense work/ travel/teaching/lecture schedule coming up in the next month, and how that might impact a relationship. She suggested that perhaps it’s not the best time for me to be in a relationship. It reminded me of an email from my ex who broke my heart.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? Like many other New Yorkers, I’ve fallen into the busy trap. I’ve put my work before my relationships, my personal needs, and even my health. I believe my workaholic tendencies can be attributed largely to a genuine love and passion for what I do. It’s truly the most interesting thing in my life right now. But maybe there’s more to it than that.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? I discussed in therapy how I don’t want to be that girl who is always “too busy.” I want to set aside more time for my friends, my family, a relationship, and myself. This experiment has forced me to take time away from work each day, and while it can be stressful, I think it’s been good. I want to continue to make time for all the relationships in my life.

  I also want to face conflict more often. Jocelyn said she left the last therapy session feeling angry about how Tim spoke to me. She said I should fight back instead of internalizing negative comments. We discussed how my aversion to conflict and my desire to please people I care about affects my relationships. I used to stand up for myself more, but lately I’ve been avoiding conflict. She asked me to think back on past relationships.

  I think this can be partially traced back to a relationship I had last year. Jocelyn said that perhaps I am now scared to confront conflict out of fear of losing people close to me. She said this conflict-free strategy does not help myself or others. She reminded us that a relationship that can’t stand up to conflict is not worth staying in at all.

  Additional comments? At the end of therapy, Tim said “as long as Jessie’s happy, I am happy.” That was sweet. He hailed a cab for me, we gave each other a hug and kiss, and I headed back to the office.

  DAY THIRTY: APRIL 18, 2013

  Timothy Goodman

  Did you see Jessica today? Yep.

  What did y’all do together? We met for our weekly therapy session.

  Did anything interesting happen? Jocelyn was grilling us as usual. We talked about the sex. We talked about the fact that we’ve been more intimate recently. We talked about what all this means going forward. Jocelyn challenged us to start thinking about what’s going to happen when this project ends in ten days. Do we want to continue dating or do we want to stop?

  Honestly, I have no clue. Jessie said that she is preparing for things to be over between us. She thinks I’m going to call it off after the forty days are over. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I do feel resistant to promising anything too definitive, though. I just want to go with the flow, keep it light, have a Coke and a smile and enjoy what’s going on here. Is that so bad? Is that me just being a coward?

  Did you learn anything new about Jessica? Jocelyn told Jessie that she’s nonconfrontational to a fault. She said that she doesn’t fight back and stand up for things in a relationship. She said that Jessie interprets remarks about her as the truth, rather than as an opinion. Jessie is a very smart, resilient, confident woman, and she should fight back!

  Jocelyn also mentioned that it’s not a good time for Jessie to be in a relationship because of her health issues and her work schedule. She said that Jessie should handle this stuff first. Lord knows I have my issues, so I’m not trying to judge. But I know I’m okay with mystery and uncertainty, while Jessie isn’t so much. But she has been much better this last week!

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? Jocelyn said I’m going to have to eventually let a woman in, that I can’t keep my life on only my terms all the time. This may sound obvious or ridiculous to you—but right now, it feels like such a foreign concept. Over the last couple years I have absolutely loved my freedom, my job, and the fact that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want. It has become increasingly addictive. And yet, deep down, I know Jocelyn is right. I’m going to have to share my life at some point. And I will when I meet the right person. When I used to paint homes for a living in my early twenties, our foreman would always yell, “I have a wife, not a life!” It always scared the hell out of me, even if I knew it was all malarkey.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? I feel really good! It’s been a fun, solid week for Jessie and me.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? Not today.

  Additional comments? Without knowing, we both wore blue pants today.

  DAY THIRTY-ONE: APRIL 19, 2013

  Jessica Walsh

  Did you see Timothy today? Yep.

  What did y’all do together? We went to the AIGA Bright Lights gala. Tim is on the benefit committee, and my design partner, Stefan Sagmeister, was being awarded the AIGA medal. It was nice to be there to show them both support. It was a wonderful evening full of food, friends, drinks, and more food.

  Did anything interesting happen? I have sensed that Tim is not comfortable with public displays of affection. He has always kept the girls he dates private and separate from his friends or work relationships. In the four years I’ve known him, I’ve only met one or two of the girls he’s dated. Tim and I have been intimate for the past few weeks, but he avoids showing affection in front of anyone we know. At the gala, a few of our friends wanted us to kiss to prove we were really dating. Tim became extremely uncomfortable from the pressure to kiss me in public. Is this just how he always is? Or is it just me? I’ll try not to take it personally, but it’s nice to be with someone who is proud to have me by their side.

  Did you learn anything new about Timothy? His face turns bright tomato red when he is embarrassed or feels pressured. I must admit I’ve always found this insanely adorable.

  Did you learn anything new about yourself? After the gala we took a cab from Chelsea to the Lower East Side to meet up with a couple friends of ours. It was raining out and the restaurant steps were very slippery. I was in five-inch heels and a long dress. On the way down the stairs, my dress got caught under my heel, and I completely wiped out and tumbled down the entire staircase!

  The entire restaurant stopped eating and stared at me. Tim made so much fun of me for it. In the past, this sort of thing would have been so mortifying that it would have completely ruined my night. But more and more I don’t take myself too seriously. So I picked myself up and laughed it off and forgot about it almost immediately. I was able to enjoy the rest of the night without worry.

  How do you feel about this relationship/project right now? People who have heard about the experiment joke about how this would make an awesome wedding story. I recently read a psychology piece on att
achment theory. It said that if two people are just physically proximate for enough time then they can fall in love, regardless of how different they are, or how they treat each other. Tim has really started to open up to me this past week, we’ve been having a great week, and we’ve grown closer. But I keep reminding myself of Tim’s dating history. Only a few days ago he was bragging about other women! I want to keep my guard up and prevent myself from getting too close too fast. That’s what I’ve done in the past.

  Is there anything that you want to do differently? In the words of one of my favorite artists, Jenny Holzer:

  Additional comments? We enjoyed a few cocktails with our friends. It was a wonderful night. On our way out of the restaurant, we were all a little tipsy. I told Tim how hungry I was, and next thing I knew he swiped a bag of granola off the shelf.

  We laughed about it, but I did feel pretty guilty about it. I insisted on going back and returning it. Tim reassured me that we’d go back for brunch together and leave an extra large tip instead. The four of us wandered up and down the cobblestone streets of SoHo trying to find a cab. We passed the time by devouring the granola, making jokes, and splashing each other with the rain. We finally gave up on finding a taxi and hailed a gypsy cab. We held each other and kissed the entire cab ride back to my place.

  DAY THIRTY-ONE: APRIL 19, 2013

  Timothy Goodman