August 24, 2013: I was up last night until 4 A.M. working because I knew I had a long day of important work meetings and deadlines ahead. I had so much to wrap up and accomplish before I left on a four-day trip to India that Zak and I have had planned for a while now. But everything was instantly put into perspective when I was awakened by a 6:00 A.M. phone call from my mother with news that my grandmother had passed away. I canceled the meetings and the trip and grabbed a cab uptown to my parents’ apartment.
My grandmother had been sick for many years, so my emotions were mixed between sadness and relief that she is free from her pain. I spent the day with my family reflecting on memories of her. My mom told us how my grandma was a bit of a rebel growing up: always wearing red lipstick to school against her mom’s wishes, marrying a Jewish boy (she was Italian), and working outside the home—all unusual in the 1950s. She loved the simple things in life: friends, wine, fashion, and socializing. But most of all she loved her family and always tried to make us happy. Whenever I told Grandma about a guy I was seeing, she’d ask me, “Jessie, is he the one? When are you going to get married? When are you going to give us great-grandkids?” I’d say, “No, Grandma, you don’t understand; I’m way too young.” A few weeks ago when I visited her, I had felt an unexpected and sudden urge to tell her I had found an amazing man who I loved and thought I might want a future with. It was too late, though. Her dementia was so bad that she didn’t even know who I was. Times like these are a reminder of how fleeting life is and how quickly things can change. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes, evolves, and eventually dies. Impermanence can be a beautiful thing—it reminds you how precious and meaningful life is.
I was going through old photos of my grandma when I stumbled across a card my parents gave me six years ago at graduation. My mom had written me a long letter filled with wisdom. She quoted Steve Jobs, who said, “Our time is limited, so don’t waste it. You’ve got to find what you love. That is as true for work as it is for your lover. The only way to be truly satisfied is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it, and like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.” In that same speech, he said that knowing you will die someday is the most important decision-making tool, as almost all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death. It shows you what is truly important. As complicated as we often make life out to be, I sometimes think it’s rather simple: Find what makes you happy, and who makes you happy. My grandmother had found happiness and love with my late grandfather. Her passing, and going through all these emotions, makes me deeply cherish and appreciate the love I have with Zak, great family, and friends like Tim.
September 9, 2013: Tim and I flew to Los Angeles last week to meet with all the possible movie and TV producers. We were in back-to-back meetings all day with famous writers, producers, and movie stars. The experience was so surreal. I couldn’t believe so many people in Hollywood knew us and cared about our project. It was fascinating to get a peek inside this industry that I had always been curious about, and I was genuinely impressed by how nice and sincere everyone seemed. Tim and I have been getting along much better since our therapy session with Jocelyn, so I was finally able to take in, enjoy, and appreciate these remarkable experiences.
We flew back to New York yesterday morning and appeared on the TODAY show. Before our segment, they filmed a quick preview of us. Tim didn’t realize his microphone was on, and he leaned in toward me and said, “Oh baby, you look so hot right now.” They aired the clip with the audio for everyone to hear, including Zak, who was watching from Los Angeles. He called me and sounded a little sad. He told me it was heartbreaking to hear this from an ex-boyfriend of mine, on national television no less, but he trusts me. Zak has put up with this project and has been amazing. It can’t be easy for him to be with me while I’m posting intimate details online about a past, but still very recent, relationship. But we talked again today and he was already completely over it. This is one of the thousand things I love about this man.
While I felt bad pretty bad for Zak, I also felt terrible for Tim. Tim had only been joking, but the media didn’t see it that way. There were articles afterward calling him a “sleazy douche bag,” which is clearly not true, and I can see how much it hurts him. It has always perplexed me: Why do people love to hate and feed off other people’s slip-ups and failures? It reminds me of this quote: “Promote what you love, instead of bashing what you hate.”
September 17, 2013: After weeks of calls with various producers and studios who have been interested in turning our story into a movie or television series, we finalized a film deal with Warner Brothers out in LA. We have a talented writer, director, and production company on board. We’re going to help consult and take a first stab at doing some of the graphics for the movie. I can’t wait to see how it all pans out.
After the deal was finalized, Tim and I met up at the Soho House for celebratory drinks. Ever since the stress of posting the blog online, and the arguments we had over our entries, Tim and I have become close again. It feels great to have my friend back. Zak joined us for a few drinks, which was also a big event. It was the first time they have met. I want them to get to know each other, but neither has seemed too excited by the prospect. It would mean the world to me if they could at least tolerate each other, and who knows, maybe one day we could all hang out as friends.
October 12, 2013: Tim and I went to the premiere of Her by Spike Jonze. It was one of the best movies I’ve seen all year: It was touching, emotional, and beautifully shot. At one point Joaquin Phoenix’s character says, “I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I’m sorry for that. I’ll always love you and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I’m grateful for that. You’re my friend to the end.”
I looked right at Tim during this moment. It sums up pretty well how I feel. I do feel in a large way that the experiment and experiences we’ve been through have changed me and helped shape who I am. I feel sorry for all the pain we caused each other when we got caught up in all the media attention. What we went through was crazy and complicated, but that’s life. I feel lucky we stuck together through it all, and came out of it even closer as friends.
October 18, 2013: I’ve been visiting Zak every weekend in Los Angeles this past month. I take the late-night flight from JFK out to LA on Friday nights and return on the red-eye on Sundays. It’s been tiring, but every moment with him makes it worth it. I promised to make him a love letter for every day we spend apart. We both travel often for work, so there will always be a lot of time spent apart in our relationship. Quite ironically, today I finished his fortieth letter. Oh, the crazy things we do for love.
Tim was also supposed to come out to Los Angeles this weekend to visit a love interest. He’s been pretty excited about this girl who lives out here. The other night, she canceled on him. I felt pretty terrible about it, so I changed my tickets to fly into LA earlier with him. We had lunch and then a nice dinner, and we enjoyed a few drinks afterward at one of our favorite spots, the Palihouse. Tim managed to pick up our waitress and secure a date with her the next night! It continues to impress me how easy it is for him to pick up girls.
The weekend was full of amazing experiences with Zak. He had had a tough week at work so I wanted to surprise him with a little getaway. I rented an Airbnb apartment for a night in the Hollywood Hills. Zak had the silly idea that I should try to hike up to the Hollywood sign. What a disaster! The hill going up to it is never-ending and only gets steeper and steeper. I was stubborn and kept wanting to climb, until we realized there were helicopters all around us and a guy on a loudspeaker was telling us we were
trespassing and could be arrested! We hid from the cop cars, snuck into our car, and drove off. He told me this weekend that he hopes to spend his life with me. I was a little taken aback, but I have been feeling the same.
November 1, 2013: Things have been going so well with Zak that we spontaneously decided to live together. We moved in today. We both lived in studio apartments, and we’d been talking for months about the dream of one day having a separate bedroom, so we looked in Brooklyn, where you can get more space for your money. Plus it’s filled with artists and creative types and some of my favorite restaurants and shops. We ultimately found an amazing place in Williamsburg, where almost all my friends live. Now the only friend I have left in Manhattan is Tim.
December 19, 2013: Tim and I met with one of the producers of our movie at the Bryant Park Hotel. Afterward we went to Lady M and had some green tea cake and talked about life and love. It was just like old times when we’d do our weekly catch-ups after teaching classes at SVA. Tim seems a little upset with himself that he is still messing around with several different women, and frustrated that he hasn’t found a great girl who holds his interest. I’m proud of him because he seems to be making an honest effort to be more careful about his actions. I told him to go easier on himself. As long as he is being honest with these women about his intentions, he’s not doing anything wrong. But it seems that, more than ever, he really craves meeting an amazing girl who blows him away. Tim also talked about wanting to be a father someday soon. Tim’s talked about this before, and I always told him he was crazy! Life is complicated enough as it is, and I have never had a strong desire to be a mother. Well, as we were talking about it, I suddenly realized how much my perspective on this subject has changed. I guess being with Zak has brought out some sort of maternal instinct in me. I am actually starting to think I might want a family one day.
December 23, 2013: I can’t believe where the time has gone. It’s been over seven months since I met Zak. Our love has matured; the passionate “honeymoon” phase is over. I knew this would happen, because it happens in every relationship. I read an article about scientific studies that show that passionate love usually only lasts during the first six months, when our brain is releasing dopamine. When those dopamine levels taper off, many relationships start to go downhill. You start to feel like the other person is not making you as happy as they once did. But it’s not our partners who have changed; it’s us. We’re just not as happy as we used to be when the dopamine was high. This lower state allows us to become more bothered by the other person’s flaws, and everything begins to feel more routine.
I’ve experienced this all too many times in the past. But with Zak, it feels entirely different. I’ve certainly come down from the “love high,” but my affection and love for him still grow. As our lives become more intertwined, I realize more and more with each passing day that he’s my ultimate companion. No matter where in the world we are together, with him it always feels like home.
For his birthday I decided to surprise Zak with a getaway to Tulum because it’s where we first started falling in love. Without revealing anything at all, I was going to whisk him away in a cab to JFK, but it didn’t pan out. At the last minute he was offered a lucrative job and, still oblivious about my surprise, he took it even though he had promised not to work on his birthday. When I revealed all, how the flights and hotel were already booked, he canceled. We still had an amazing trip and stayed in clay huts on a beach called Coco Coco.
January 12, 2014: Zak and I got engaged this morning, and I couldn’t be happier. We’ve talked about spending our lives together, so while it shouldn’t be a surprise, I somehow am in a bit of shock. I guess I didn’t expect it to happen so soon!
Right after his proposal, he had to leave for the airport for a job in Guatemala, where he’d have no cell phone service. He called me from the airport right before he had to board the plane—he wanted to tell me one last time how much he loved me. I feel like the luckiest girl on the earth, and I am glad I never gave up on my search and never settled. I am glad I did the experiment with Tim, which in many ways led me to meeting Zak. I cried for joy after that call. I just can’t believe this is all actually happening to me! I texted him right after.
January 14, 2014: To most of my friends, the engagement was not a huge surprise. My sister, who has been the harshest critic of every boyfriend I have ever had, said she knew right after she met him that he was going to marry me. He’s the first guy I’ve dated who she loves and approves of. My parents are thrilled. The only person left to tell was Tim, and I wasn’t sure how he’d react. We had plans to meet up with a group of our friends at Kingston Hall in the East Village last night. I didn’t want to tell him at the same time as everyone else—I wanted to be more personal than that. When he arrived at the bar I pulled him aside, bought us a round of champagne, and told him the news. He seemed taken aback, but genuinely happy, and he gave me a big hug. Next thing we knew, Beyoncé showed up at the bar and was standing right behind us! We drank champagne and whiskey with our friends, the same group of friends we went to Miami with last December when we first came up with the idea of 40 Days of Dating. The whole crew was there: Lotta, Dan, Michael, and Maayan. We talked about how crazy this past year has been and how remarkable it is we have stayed friends through it all.
February 14, 2014: Zak was in Los Angeles today for work, so I had no Valentine’s plans. He still made the day special by mailing me the sweetest letter and a planter of roses and hiring a guy with a very heavy Indian accent to sing me a Valentine’s song. I couldn’t understand a word of it, but it put a big smile on my face the rest of the day. In the afternoon, Tim texted, asking me if I could grab a drink after work before I left for Montreal. Some coworkers pointed out that it was strange that Tim and I were hanging out on V-day, though I didn’t think much of it. I emailed Zak just to make sure he was okay with it. He sent me this reply:
There is nothing sexier than a man who doesn’t get jealous.
Tim and I met up and we reminisced about everything we’ve been through this past year. It was a year ago that we made the final pact to do the 40 Days experiment. At that time, I was frustrated and lost and ready to give up on love and dating. Wow, how much a year can change everything. Life moves so quickly, and it’s easy to fall into daily routines and just go through the motions of life. I’ve had months go by in a blink of an eye and I couldn’t even tell you what happened. This experiment with Tim allowed us forty days out of our lives to pause and reflect. To analyze behaviors and patterns and to learn more about ourselves, dating, and love. We took a huge risk together, and while our romantic relationship didn’t work out, the experiment was a success.
They say everyone you date is either a blessing or a lesson, and I think Tim was both. While at times we drove each other nuts, we challenged each other in ways that most friends never have the courage to do. The experiment made us more self-aware and stronger. Seeing how we interpreted the same experiences so differently was enlightening. No matter how clear we think we are in our words, it’s almost impossible to know exactly how someone is feeling or what they are thinking or how they will perceive us. This has given me more empathy and patience, and has helped me stop overanalyzing situations. The experiment also helped me focus on what I wanted and it gave me confidence and clarity, and shortly afterward, I met Zak. Coincidence? Fate? Who knows. Life is kind of crazy like that.
Timothy Goodman
April 29, 2013: I thought about that Groucho Marx quote, the one that Woody Allen recalls in Annie Hall: “I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member.” My goodness, is this me? Is this why I walked away from Jessie? I feel like there’s an internal struggle between logic and the heart going on in me. If I’m so sure we’re not right for each other, then why do I feel so sad about this today? Why do I miss her so much? Will I regret this? A big part of this is guilt. I feel guilty for hurting her. I feel guilty for not being able to live up to some expectation. I feel guilt
y for not walking away from this experiment 100 percent “cured.” I’m glad we don’t have to analyze our relationship anymore, like we did during the experiment, but I wonder if Jessie and I will stay close. We’re so close right now, and I feel like we’ll always be there for each other. However, I know that the minute she or I gets into a new relationship those ties will change. It’s very weird to not have to see or talk to her today. She texted me late last night to say how much she liked the gift I gave her. It was sweet. I wanted to call her, but I didn’t know what I would say. This may sound ridiculous, but I wanted her to call me last night and fight for me. But she just let me go. Maybe she knows we’re not right deep down? Maybe she was expecting me to fight for her? Maybe she’s just fearing more rejection? After all, Disney World wasn’t exactly a party. I didn’t leave her with any grand gestures of hope. The strange thing is, I was never convinced that her feelings were truly about me. Did she love me, or was she just in love with love? I think we all want that, this idea that if the person we are with couldn’t have us then they couldn’t bear to have anyone. Even if that’s not true, we still have the fantasy.
40 Days of Dating: An Experiment Page 19