by Lena Nicole
Formatted by E.M. Tippetts Book Designs
Peyton & Zoe
I’M STANDING at the end of the pew staring at Addison. Watching her walk down the aisle is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Even harder than when I woke up from the accident and discovered Addison was unconscious with a head trauma. Harder than the day her mother told me she had no memory of me. Harder than when I found out she was dating Pierce. I thought nothing would compare to the heart-wrenching ache I felt when I found out they were having sex, but this is taking every ounce of energy I have to stay rooted to my spot and not flee from the church.
I feel like I have to concentrate on my heart to ensure that it keeps beating with every step she takes toward Pierce and away from me. She glances over and our eyes lock. A strange look passes over her face and I’m not quite sure what she’s thinking. But, as she keeps staring at me with wide eyes and stops walking, I have a feeling I know what just happened.
She remembers.
She remembers me.
She remembers us.
When I hear the words “I remember,” the ones I’ve been waiting to hear for over a year, I have to concentrate on slowing my heart down because I think it’s about to pound right through my chest. Oh God, it’s such a relief to hear her say that she remembers me. But my joy quickly fades as reality sets in.
She’s engaged to another man. And not just engaged, but mere feet from the altar where she would be his forever. It would be stupid to think that just because she’s regained her memory that she would lose all her feelings for Pierce.
The other harsh reality of this is that she doesn’t look that happy. She’s about to cry and looks quite devastated. This is definitely not how I pictured this moment. The countless times I had hoped and prayed that she would come back to me I thought would be with happy tears and smiles. Not the way she’s looking at me now, which is almost broken.
As she rushes back down the aisle toward the exit, I’m glued to my spot, not sure what I should do. I think pure shock is keeping me from moving. I look over at Pierce and he looks crushed. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for him or not. He really didn’t do anything to deserve this, and at this point, I didn’t think her memory would ever come back. I can tell he’s just as stunned as I am and has no idea really where to go from here. He rushes off in the same direction as Addison.
I feel a hand wrap around my upper arm and squeeze. I look over and see Charlotte looking up at me. I find a small amount of calm in this comforting gesture. But I don’t get to enjoy it long, as my second biggest fear crashes over me. One I had talked to Jeremy about earlier this week. Now that she remembers me, what happens if she still chooses Pierce? My stomach rolls at the thought and I slowly sink down into my seat, staring straight ahead and I rub my hands roughly over my face.
Fuck.
I faintly hear Jeremy and Charlotte trying to talk to me but I can’t focus on what they’re saying. I’m too lost in what just happened and what that means for Addison and me. A part of me is afraid to go to her; afraid that I’ll be rejected.
I need to go to her tonight. Pierce already has a head start on me so I’ll give him a couple minutes, but then I’m going to go to her and see where this leaves us.
I just hope I’m not setting myself up for another long, agonizing round of heartache.
I’M RUNNING.
I’m running from my dad.
I’m running from Pierce.
I’m running from Colin.
I’m running from myself.
I run out of the church, not mindful of my dress. It’s tainted, ruined by my memories. Of all the days, why today? Why does this have to happen on my wedding day? I stop short when the concrete steps appear in front of me. I hoist my dress in my hands because the last thing I need to be is the runaway bride who tripped over her fairytale dress as she was running away from her groom and the man who holds all her lost memories. I hear Colby and Morgan behind me yelling for me to stop, but I can’t. My feet won’t stop moving. It is like they have a mind of their own and that mind is telling my feet to run like hell. The sun is shining bright and is blinding me, but through my squinted eyes I can see the Rolls Royce waiting to take Pierce and me to our reception. As soon as I reach it, I jump in the car. Morgan and Colby get in the car after me and close the door.
“Drive!” Colby yells to the driver.
The driver takes off and doesn’t bother to ask where we are going. The fact that he doesn’t say anything before taking off makes me think he probably sees this stuff all the time and is just thinking I’m another runaway bride. Morgan is giving the driver the address of the beach I like to go to as Colby is shushing me, telling me it’s going to be okay. But that’s the thing. It’s not going to be okay. I am back where I started a year ago. Nothing about this is okay.
We pull up to the beach entrance five houses down from my condo and Colby and Morgan exit first. I sit in the car, staring down at my feet that are planted to the floor. It’s funny how I couldn’t stop them not even twenty minutes ago, and now I can’t get myself out of a parked car.
“Addison?” Morgan says in a concerned voice as she’s staring at me through the open door.
I lift my head to bring my gaze up and look at her through clouded eyes. Her lips are frowning and her eyes stare back at me, full of pity. Colby brushes past Morgan and takes hold of my arm and starts to guide me out of the car. I feel like I’m on auto pilot as my feet start to move.
“I’m fine, Colby,” I say trying to convince her, although she and I both know it’s a bold face lie. I remove her arm from mine and thank her for helping me and walk on my own.
I head toward the entrance to the beach with Morgan and Colby following. I stop walking to stare out into the ocean as my friends stand next to me in silence. The last thing I need is silence. I don’t need to be lost in my own thoughts right now. There is too much anger, hurt and confusion running through my brain and not enough answers. I look around the beach, my place where I find peace, and am flooded with memories. I turn my head to the right and see the rocks that lead out over the ocean. I can see Colin and I sitting there talking and watching endless amounts of sunsets. I turn my attention back to the water and I see Pierce and I sharing kisses as we float in the ocean on our surfboards. It’s funny how the beach used to bring me peace and now, as I look around, I feel anything but.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I yell out into the ocean and kick the sand for good measure.
“A tie… a fucking tie... are you kidding me?! Out of all the things that could jog my memory and bring Colin back to me, a fucking blue tie does it?! Why couldn’t it have been the kiss that returned him to me?” I yell at the ocean like it holds all the answers. When Colin kissed me, my feelings for Pierce weren’t as strong as they are now. If they had come back then, maybe I wouldn’t be standing here now.
“Addison, try not to be so hard on yourself--” Colby starts, but I cut her off and turn to look at her.
“Why not? Why not be hard on myself? I am supposed to be on my way to my wedding reception with my husband, and instead, I am standing here on the beach in my wedding dress while all these memories of Colin come crashing back. So please, tell me why I should not be so hard on myself?” I say clenching my fists until my nails start to bite into my skin.
“I’m sure she just meant --” Morgan starts but I cut her off too.
“No, both of you need to stop and look at this shit storm happening right now,” I say as I gesture around us with a frantic wave of my hands. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to not remember someone and when you finally do, you get to feel the pain from all the hurt you caused the one person you loved? Relive it thro
ugh your head and have the realization smack you in the face that you did nothing to try and remember him? Or how about remembering each and every heartbreaking look someone is giving you, but you’re too blind to see it because you can’t remember them and you’re too busy being happy with another man? I can’t believe how incredibly selfish I am.” I close my eyes and rub them with the heels of my hands as I wait for a response, but of course, I don’t get one. Finally feeling even more frustrated, I lower my hands, open my eyes, and continue.
“No, you don’t. So please do not tell me to not be so hard on myself,” I say quietly as I gain control over my anger.
“You’re right, we don’t. We’re just trying to help,” Morgan says, looking at Colby as she puts a hand on her shoulder. I look at Colby and can see she is tearing up and I feel horrible for yelling at her. This isn’t her fault.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you guys. Really I am,” I say, as I pull Colby and Morgan into a hug. Suddenly, the anxiety starts to take over and my heart begins to race. I try to regulate my breathing, but it’s no use. I can’t catch any air.
“I can’t breathe,” I say, pulling at my dress. “I can’t fucking breathe.” The seams start to rip as tears cloud my vision. Before I can pull my dress away from my skin, Morgan and Colby are carrying it and guiding me off the beach.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here and out of this dress,” Colby says as she wraps her arm around me. We turn to walk up the beach and I stop mid-step, clutching onto my dress. Time suddenly stands still as I’m frozen in place, staring at Pierce walking down the beach toward me.
“Addison, I can make him leave. You don’t have to talk to him right now. I’m sure he will understand,” Colby says in a hushed tone.
Pierce approaches slowly, getting closer and closer. He looks devastated, broken. I know I can’t put this off. I look at Colby and give her the best reassuring smile I can.
“No, it’s okay. I need to talk to him. I just ran out on him on our wedding day and he deserves an explanation.”
Pierce stops in front of me and I can immediately tell he has been crying. His eyes are red and swollen and his hair looks like he ran his hands through it a million times in frustration. The clear amount of pain expressed in his appearance stabs at my heart. His tie is undone and hanging loosely around his neck. He has the most torn look on his face as he stands in front of me with his hands in his pockets. His whiskey brown eyes look dark and empty and I feel like I could throw up. I know they look that way because of me.
“Hey, Beautiful, can we talk?” He asks nervously. I hate the uncertainty in his voice. He’s always so confident, and it breaks my heart to hear his words sound so broken. I reach for his arm and pull his hand out of his pocket and hold it.
“Of course we can. Can you please just give me a minute? I need to get out of my dress.”
He winces slightly at my words and nods his head. Before I can pull my hand away, he brings it up to his lips and places a gentle kiss on it and says, “Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
Pierce’s words should ease my pain a little, but they don’t. When I look at him, I see the same expressions that were all over Colin’s face over a year ago. I know what he wants me to do, but I can’t do it. I can’t walk away from Colin again. I start to walk passed Pierce toward my condo, but freeze mid-step when I realize my belongings are no longer there.
“I don’t have any clothes,” I say, not really sure who I am talking to at this point.
“It’s okay, you can come back to my place and I will give you something to wear. Pierce, you can follow us there and you guys can talk,” Morgan says, solving my wardrobe issue.
“Here,” Pierce says, handing Colby the keys to his car. “I’ll call Garrick and have him drop me off there that way Addison has time to change and I’ll just drive my car home.” In my haste to get out of this dress, it never dawned on me that we have no transportation. Colby reaches for the keys as Pierce sets them in her hand.
“Thank you,” she says softly. I can tell that her heart is tearing too. I’ve put my friends through so much in the last year, and even though they didn’t lose their memory, they had to deal with me losing mine.
The drive over to Morgan’s is quick and before I know it, Colby is parking the car in the parking garage. Morgan is holding onto the back of my dress as we walk up to her apartment. Once inside, I quickly get out of the dress that went from making me feel timeless to making me feel weighed down and unable to breathe. Morgan grabs a pair of her sweats and I throw them on before hearing a knock at the door; I know Pierce is waiting for me. I open the door with shaky hands as my nerves are starting to get the better of me. My stomach is a big bundle of knots and I realize that I may not have the courage to have this conversation right now.
I STAND nervously outside Morgan’s door tapping my foot, waiting for someone to answer. I don’t even know what to say to her when she comes out. I have so many questions running through my head, but above all, I just want to hold her. To comfort her. I know if she’ll let me, we can figure this out together.
The sound of the door opening grabs my attention. I look up and get my first good look at her since she left me at the altar. She looks completely devastated and confused. The turmoil that is flashing in her eyes is enough to rip my heart out because I know she has no idea what to do. Or maybe she does, and she’s afraid to break the news to me.
I see a lone tear fall from her eye and run down her cheek. I reach my hand out to her to wipe it away, but she closes her eyes and holds up her hand to stop me. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. She’s having a hard time even making eye contact with me and now she doesn’t want me to touch or comfort her. I pull my hand back, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her push me away.
“Addison?” I say, weakly. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel this weak. Maybe because I have no idea where I stand with her and am terrified of what she’s about to say. There’s a long, uncomfortable pause where she’s looking at everything but me and is working her bottom lip between her teeth. I can’t stand the silence so I speak up again. “Do you want to come outside and sit with me?” I nod toward the stairs. We walk over to them and have a seat, she’s still not making eye contact with me.
“Will you at least look at me?” I ask softly, but in a firm tone. I need her to understand my next words very clearly, but I also want to see her eyes to get a better read on what she’s feeling. She slowly glances back up and the painful expression on her face causes me to swallow hard before speaking.
“I know this is hard on you and I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. But I need to know what you’re thinking. I want to help you get through this,” I say, taking her hand before she has the chance to pull away. When she doesn’t try to, I feel relieved that she’s okay with me touching her.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. Am I confused? Yes, how could I not be? Don’t get me wrong, I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you without question. But now, all the memories of Colin have come back and so have my feelings.” She lets go of my hand, stands up, and starts pacing back and forth.
“Tell me what you want from me and I’ll give it to you, but don’t push me away. Please don’t distance yourself from me. I love you with all my heart and I’ll give you anything you want. But I can’t give you space. That’s one thing I’m not willing to do.” I stand up and gently grab her arm to stop her from pacing. I want her to see the seriousness in my expression to let her know that I’m not going anywhere.
She turns toward me and a look of regret passes over her face before she says, “Pierce, I’m so sorry this is happening. You have no idea how horrible I feel for putting you through this. But I think I’m going to move in with my parents for the time being. I just need a little time to think, that’s all. Please understand.” Her eyebrows are furrowed together as she looks up at me, waiting for my consent on her new proposal. I’m almost sp
eechless, but more than that, I’m pissed. She’s trying to run from our problems instead of working them out together. Clenching and unclenching my fists, I work to remain calm before replying.
“If you need a little space, fine, I can do that. But I’m not going to stay away completely unless you tell me you don’t want to be with me anymore.” I stare intently into her eyes, seeking the one bit of knowledge that I need. That she still loves me.
“My feelings for you haven’t changed; those don’t go away overnight, but I’m not sure where to go from here. I just need some time to think about everything and I can’t do that while we’re living together,” she replies while looking down at the ground.
It suddenly hits me that I don’t even know when she regained her memory. Did she remember a while ago but thought she could go on with the wedding until she saw him? Or did she only remember as she was walking down the aisle? “When did you start to remember Colin?” I ask with tightness in my jaw as the anger really hits me. This is the whole reason we’re not at our fucking reception right now.
She takes a deep breath before she says, “As I was walking toward you. I looked over at him and everything just hit me. The tie he was wearing was a gift from me, and for some reason when I saw it, it all came back.” Her voice is shaky and I hate that she sounds so broken. She sounds like she did the day I first met her.
Really? A tie? Why did Colin have to wear that fucking tie? I run my hand through my hair and tug at the ends in frustration. It feels like my life is unraveling on the one day that was supposed to be perfect. What the hell am I going to do now? I’m not going to let us fall apart over a fucking tie.
I hold my hands out to my side before letting them drop. “So where do we go from here?”
“I really don’t know. I just need you to give me some time. I’ll come by and pick up some of my things to take to my parents’ house,” she says. I rub at the ache in my chest as the reality of her moving out hits me. Fuck, she’s really going to do this.