I get back to the south side of Houston at 12:45 a.m., breaking curfew by almost an hour. My window slides open effortlessly. I’m careful to be quiet as I crawl inside, shoes in hand. I’m neither drunk nor high; I didn’t get the chance to be. My bedroom door is ajar but not enough for anyone to see in. I shut the window behind me and lock it.
I turn my burner phone on and see that I’ve missed twelve calls from teenage potheads seeking a hazy release. I toss the phone on my dresser, before my real phone rings and vibrates something serious in my Andy McQueen purse. Blanca’s calling.
“Hello.”
She sounds excited as she fires off a million questions.
“Hey, lady! How was the party? Did Zack look hot? Was his family there? Spill your guts, woman! Does he have a girlfriend? He’s cute and sweet, so he might,” she says. “You better watch out. You might have to fight another chick for messin’ with her man.” She stops to take a breath and waits for my answers.
“Bee, all my grooming and prepping for Zack’s party was a bust. I even brought him a card, but I didn’t give it to him. His girlfriend was there, and she was rude as hell. I left.”
I know what she’s thinking. “What time is it?”
“It’s almost one twenty.”
“You should go back, Zina. And hurry the fuck up.”
“What? Why would I do that?”
“He invited you, didn’t he? He likes you.”
“Whatever. You think everybody and their grandpa likes me. They don’t.”
“Well, maybe his grandpa doesn’t like you, but Zacarias does. Trust me.”
“Bullshit.”
I know Blanca; she is never gonna let this go.
“Anyway, this is not a high-school boy. He’s grown with a girlfriend. What if it’s over by the time I get there? What if he’s gone?”
“Please, woman! Stop making goddamn excuses. If I don’t think you should go, I would tell you.”
“Bee, its f ’in’ forty-five minutes away. I don’t want to drive back.” I think about Tony and how glad I am that I went to his place. My lip quivers as my eyes well with hot tears.
“Go. Now! You’ll feel better if you do,” Blanca says. “And stop crying, chica. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
CHAPTER 30
ZACARIAS
The volunteers from the church did an amazing job helping Clifton and my mother pull off tonight’s event. Their host and hostess duties have long been over. The horses have been fed and put away; the premises have been checked and secured.
Whitney sits next to me, angling her body against mine on the bench we share. When she touches my chin and moves in to kiss me, my phone buzzes in my pocket.
“Don’t answer it,” Whitney says as she grabs my face and kisses me hard, her hand traveling up my leg toward my crotch.
A text message comes through, and I break away to read it.
There’s a girl here looking for you.
The message is from my father. Whitney grabs my face and kisses me again.
“Wait a second,” I say as I push away from her.
What girl? I text.
A black girl. Says she was here earlier.
Whitney is sitting next to me, silently running her fingers through her limp curls. She yawns. I have to get rid of her.
My dad calls back again, but I let it ring. I tell Whitney my dad needs me because my mother isn’t feeling well.
“That’s fine. I’m tired anyway. I’m going to bed,” she says, kissing me on the mouth.
I find Zina sitting on the front gate across from one of the stables. My dad is with her.
“I’m leaving, son,” he says. “I just wanted to say bye and that I’m proud of you.” He put his arm around my shoulder. My dad nods at Zina. “She’s young,” he says. “Who is she?”
“Just…a friend, a good kid, that’s all.” He hugs me and says nothing more.
I watch as Zina struggles to climb down from the fence. I hurry over to lend her a hand. I put my hands around her waist and lift her as she buries her face in my neck. My breath catches in my throat.
“Thank you,” she says as she regains her footing.
“Why are you over here in the dark by yourself?”
She shrugs. “I wasn’t by myself. So that was your dad, huh?”
I nod.
“He said he’d wait with me until you came.”
“How’d you know I would?”
“I don’t know. Your dad was pretty sure you’d come.”
She seems uncomfortable,
“You came back. Why?” I ask.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have. I assume your girlfriend is still here. She doesn’t seem like the type to leave you alone at a party.”
“She’s here. We’re staying the night. She’s gone to bed.”
I yawn, a sign that the wine is wearing off. She steps back, leaning on the gate, and shoves her hands into her back pockets.
“Um, I’m…I came…”
I lean against the gate, waiting for her to gather her thoughts. She’s digging a small hole into the dirt with her black sneakers. She’s changed clothes, and she smells like she just showered. There’s a hint of coconut and baby lotion in the air.
“I just thought I should…not be such a horrible brat about things.”
“What things?”
“I just…I just feel really bad. I had no reason to talk to you like that. You know what I mean?”
I nod. An apology. Glory.
“I wanted to…you know, fix it—”
“You think something needs to be fixed?”
She retrieves herself from the gate and steps in front of me. “I don’t want you to be mad at me.” She takes a few steps back and throws up her hands in surrender. “You were nice, cool enough to invite me to your party, and I—”
“I’m not mad,” I say. The quiver in her voice unsettles me. “You’re being a little hard on yourself.”
“Really?”
“Really. You apologized, I forgive you—done deal.” She takes a breath. “Well, the sun hasn’t come up yet,” I say, leaning toward her. “No school tomorrow. You want to talk?”
“Your girlfriend won’t be looking for you?”
“She’s had a few drinks. She usually sleeps pretty hard when she drinks.”
She pushes her course bangs away from her face. “I guess.”
CHAPTER 31
ZINA
I don’t believe his girlfriend is that sound of a sleeper. She’s too evil to go down so easy. Any minute she’ll come searching for her man, asking him to pour her a glass of water or some type of foolishness. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s passed out in a stupor. Either way, Blanca was right. He likes me, and he’s incredible-looking.
“There’s plenty of food. You hungry?” He smiles, warm and comfortable with me again and me with him. “I think there might be a couple boxes of pizza left.”
“I’m hungry. What kind is it?”
“Papa John’s,” he says.
“Whuut…Papa John’s my fav.”
Your fav, huh?” he mocks my teenage vernacular. “C’mon.”
He grins, offering his hand. I take it and shudder from his touch. The energy between us is new and intriguing. I didn’t expect to feel this comfortable alone with him. He pulls me toward the house.
“Wait, can we check out the horses? I didn’t get to see them.”
“Yeah, I’ll take you to see the horses. But do you want to come with me while I get the food?”
I don’t want to go near the house, because I don’t want the chance of running into the girlfriend. “Uh, no. I can wait here while you go.” I pull away and walk back to the fence, but he rushes at me and grabs my hand.
“No. I’m not leaving you out here agai
n.”
He places his arm around my shoulder and takes me inside with him.
A friend of his mother, a jovial, middle-aged man named Clifton, is in the kitchen, helping with the cleanup duties.
“Cliff, where’s my mom?” Zack asks, chewing on a piece of smoked sausage he found in one of the foil roaster pans.
“She’s gone to bed,” Cliff says.
“Oh. What about Whitney?”
Clifton looks at me. “Haven’t seen her, Zacarias. She must’ve gone to bed too.” He eyes me curiously. “And you are?”
“This is Zina,” Zack says.
We exchange greetings and shake hands as Zack goes around checking pizza boxes for one that hadn’t been touched.
“What kind do you like?” he asks, shoving another piece of sausage into his mouth.
“I like pepperoni or spinach.”
“Do you want anything else—pasta, virgin daiquiri, water…smoked sausage?”
My stomach growls as he gathers two boxes of pizza, a plate of smoked meats, and a roll of paper towels. He hands me a couple cans of soda and then grabs half a jug of tea from the fridge.
“Okay, you ready?” he asks.
“Yep.”
I follow him and can’t help but smile. This all feels so romantic and cool. When we get to the stables, Zack sets the jug of tea down and pulls one of the doors open. He grabs a blanket from the corner and lays it out on the ground.
“Here, sit on this,” he says.
I straighten out my end and pick any intrusive straw away.
“Which horse do you like?” Zack asks.
“Uh…oh, I don’t know. I wish I could’ve seen them earlier, when they were out under the party lights,” I say. I’m hungry as hell, so I take the biggest slice of spinach pizza and shove a fourth of it into my mouth. Zack watches me as I wipe Alfredo sauce from the corners of my mouth. I sense his nerves going from one extreme to the next.
“We got off to a terrible start today, didn’t we?”
I swallow and chug half a can of strawberry soda behind it. “Nah, we started off pretty good. Your girlfriend and I…’nother story.
“I know. I’m sorry. Even with the wine she was bitchy as hell.”
I lean backward, extending both arms behind me for support. His face goes dim, void of warmth. It’s freaky, but I ignore it. He watches me. His eyes roam my body, but he says nothing. The moon is full and hanging in the dusky sky, its light casting a shadow over Zack’s face. His milky brown eyes go soft, and the tension in his jaw gives way. I’m staring as he moves toward me. He wraps a long, lean arm around my waist and kisses me on the cheek. As he does, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I can’t resist. I kiss him back. He pulls away and stares into my eyes like no one ever has. I don’t want to lose my virginity in a barn. I panic, nervous that Zack wants more from me than I want to give him. I don’t want to ruin our fledgling friendship, but I want to keep kissing him. His kisses are smooth and effortless, making me feel loved and wanted, so I let him kiss me again and again. With each kiss he pulls me closer, holds me tighter. I feel his excitement rising. I pull away in protest, but he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap.
CHAPTER 32
ZACARIAS
I wrap my hands around her waist and pull her toward me. I sit her on my lap. I maneuver her legs until she wraps them around me. Her nerves are getting to her, which I understand.
“Zack—”
I silence her with a kiss. She manages to pull away, but I move toward her. As I climb on top of her, I stare into her eyes. She’s with me in this.
I touch every part of her. The urge to tear her thin, white T-shirt down the middle is overwhelming. She reaches up with both hands and kisses me, holding my head in perfect position with hers. When I lift her shirt, she pushes my hand away.
“What now?” she asks as she pulls her mouth away from mine.
I lift her shirt again as she sits up. The kisses come longer and harder. I reach down and tug at her jeans, and she arches her back to help me get them off.
“Take your shirt off,” she whispers.
Her wish is my command. I’m under her spell. As I remove my shirt, she stares at my chest, her eyes lingering on my stomach. She freezes as if in shock. I move toward her, and she leans back as I lay her down. Her yellow panties are thin. I can see the small mass between her legs. She notices me staring and tries to sit up, but I stop her, grabbing her around the waist, pulling her down.
She wiggles beneath me and whispers, “Your hands are cold.”
I’m suddenly overcome with fear. I guess Zina senses it, because she sits up, apprehension written all over her face.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
This is not what I’d pictured if I’d had any time to picture us at all. I look at her bra that I’m holding it in my hand. She’s too young. She shifts across from me, holding her place as she waits for me to make up my mind, her jeans and T-shirt tossed into a pile behind us. The anxiety in her face turns into full-blown fear, and I don’t want that. I don’t want her to be afraid of this. She at least deserves a mattress and four walls—not straw and the bulging eyes of a stable full of horses. But if this is what she wants, I am pleased to be the one to give it to her.
I grip her, my arm tight around her and pulling her atop my lap. She wraps her long arms around my neck and shifts until she’s comfortable. I bury my face into the side of her neck, inhaling the scent of her. My transformation has begun! I hold my breath as she runs her long, slender fingers through my hair and knots them in my soft curls.
The stable is quiet. I hear nothing but her eager moaning and the hungry smacking as our lips connect again and again.
I pin her down.
“May I?” I ask, breathless, my body throbbing.
She looks confused and presses her hands against my chest. I kiss her. She pulls her mouth away from mine.
“I…no, I can’t,” she whispers. “We’re in a barn. Stop. No, stop it, Zack…”
She covers her breast, crossing her arms over them. I move her arms and squeeze her breast, running my thumb across her nipple. I don’t stop. I let my emotions carry me, no longer thinking. I push inside of her, breaking the barriers of her teenage body. She squirms violently underneath me, as I work to keep her there. I kiss her on the mouth, hoping to distract her from my entrance. She quiets down; her body goes limp as she gives in and squeezes her eyes shut. She gasps for air and pounds on my chest as my body begins to jerk inside of hers.
I pull back a little and look at her. When I do, she reaches up and grabs a handful of my hair and yanks hard. Is that worry on her face? Discomfort? I tell myself to be gentle, as I keep pumping, filling her.
Her body—her existence—calms me in a way I hadn’t expected. I’ve never felt like this: happy, calm, and excited all at once. I thrust again, relieved and a bit disappointed when the end comes.
Afterward, she’s unresponsive and sits with her knees drawn in to her chest. I dress her slowly once we’ve completed our lovemaking. As I snap her bra, she shudders under my hands. I rub the back of her neck, but she jerks away. I want to kiss her, hold her, but she won’t look at me. I find her jeans and underwear in a shallow straw pile. I examine them and carefully brush the straw from the yellow lacy panties. I look at them, remembering how I’d yanked at them earlier.
She gives me an uncomfortable look and beckons for me to hand her the underwear.
“That’s kinda weird,” she snaps at me.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I—”
“It’s fine.”
She dresses faster than me and hurries to the stable doors. As she stands in the doorway, the tangerine morning sky catches her attention.
“The sky looks really different out here,” she says. “I’m different now,” she mumbles.
While her back is turned, I hop back i
nto my jeans. She walks away, and I call out to her to wait for me. She stops, glancing from the corner of her eye. She says something under her breath and then turns and picks up her pace.
“Wait, Zina!” I chase her, annoyed by the way she disregards me. She whips her head around.
“You ain’t gotta walk me to my car. I remember where I parked.”
“I know you can find your own car.” Her phone is in her hand. She glances at it nervously. “Are you okay?”
“Don’t worry about it,” she snaps at me, tears in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
She looks at me, frowning. I step toward her. I want to rectify whatever I’d done to upset her.
“Why didn’t you stop?” she asks. “I didn’t really want to…”
I freeze, terrified. “You didn’t say no…” The words come out of my mouth, but I can’t hear them over the roaring in my ears.
“I did,” she replies. “It hurt.”
I shake my head. “N…no, we—you wanted…Zina, you wanted to.” I blink away the sting in my eyes.
“You stayed with me, you came back to me, and you wanted me. What are you saying?” The ringing in my ears grow louder.
“I told you…!” she screams and then turns away, hurrying to her car. “I can’t talk about it,” she cries.
“Wait…wait, what did you tell me!” I struggle to grab my belongings from the stable as the blood rushes to my head and she gets closer to her car. I drop my shoes and run after her. She hears me coming and whirls around to face me.
“Stop!” she screams, her voice shaking. “Don’t follow me!” she cries. I break my stride so fast, I stumble and slid on the dirt. “How could you?” she sobs.
My chest heaves, and my hands shake. I do my best to calm her down. “Please. I don’t want this for us, between us…I needed to be with you last night. It wasn’t wrong.”
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