She squeals and leaps into his arms, despite him being frozen and stiff with shock. There are claps around the room, at least from her friends and the super shiny suit guy that makes Jonas look like he’s wearing a burlap sack. The rest of us? We’re all trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.
“What?” Riot finally utters.
“I’m pregnant, Ri-Ri! Oh, baby, I know how badly you’ve wanted to start a family, and while the circumstances are not ideal, why should we wait any longer? We have a baby coming. A little Riot or a little Poppy that’ll be just ours. And I want him or her to know that they are so loved by parents that want to do right by them.”
Poppy lets Riot go long enough to cradle her still flat stomach, looking down at it lovingly. “We made a life, Ri-Ri. You and me.” She snatches his hand and presses it to her lower belly as if anything can be felt other than some gas bubbles. “And I swear to you, I will never hurt, harm, or abandon your baby. Our baby. And we’re going to have it together.”
She’s gazing at Riot, but her words are meant for me. It’s bad enough that I have to have the worst period of my life plastered on every entertainment news outlet in the country. But for Poppy to throw up the abortion in my face in front of everyone? Like I’m some monster who purposely wanted to kill Riot’s offspring just for the fuck of it? Like it didn’t rip me apart, physically and emotionally?
Fuck her.
Riot pulls his hand away, also sensing the malice in her words. “Poppy…are you sure? I mean, you saw a doctor, right?”
“Of course I did, silly. That’s where I got these ultrasound pics. I thought I had been suffering from food poisoning, so as soon as I landed in Miami, I went to the hospital. And sure enough, it was just our little peanut all along.”
“And… you’re sure it’s mine?”
Poppy feigns offense. “Uh, yes, I’m sure. I haven’t been with anyone else in two years. Who else could be the father?”
This is so fucked up. Beyond fucked up. I don’t even know if there is a scale that could measure the level of fuckedupness. But I do know that whatever future I saw with Riot, whatever hopes and dreams I had envisioned for us, has evaporated into dust. I thought I couldn’t compete with models and actresses, when in reality, I can’t compete with the baby I didn’t give him.
I step back, hoping that no one will notice that I’m even there. I don’t know how long I can keep my tears at bay, and this is so not the time or the venue to let go. Riot turns to me, his handsome face stuck somewhere between shock and anguish. When he realizes that I’m fleeing—that I’m leaving him just like he left me because I’m a coward—he turns away from Poppy and, in that moment, chooses me. He chooses me, despite every part of him knowing it’s wrong. He turns his back on his pregnant girlfriend and comes after me.
This has been the moment I had dreamed about since I was just a teenage girl: Riot turning his back on the allure of stardom and choosing me. And now that he’s done it, it rips me to shreds to have to be the one to walk away this time.
“Rox, wait.”
The sound of my name on his tongue is like a jolt of caffeine. I blink away the haze of shock and rush back to my bedroom. Riot is right on my heels.
“Rox, please. Talk to me.”
I shake my head. “There’s nothing to talk about. You’re about to be a father.” I force a pained smile. “Congratulations.”
Riot closes the door behind him and leans against it. This already looks bad enough. Why would he follow me in here and shut the door? What will people think?
“You know this isn’t what I want. Poppy means nothing to me.”
“But that baby does.” He doesn’t dispute it, just like I knew he wouldn’t, so I continue. “That baby means everything to you, and you know it. And I’m not going to jeopardize that. I won’t be the cause of you missing out on fatherhood once again.”
“So what are you saying?” he deadpans.
“I’m saying that I’ll bow out gracefully. I’ll wish you well. I’ll cheer you on from afar. But I can’t be with you. I can’t come between you and the mother of your child.”
Riot crosses the room in four easy strides and gets as close as possible to me without actually touching. “Rox, please. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t…not again.” He lifts both hands to frame my face. “You were first. You were always supposed to be first.”
First kiss.
First love.
First time.
First child.
“But I won’t be your last. I’m sorry, Riot. But I can’t do to another woman what was done to me. I can’t take away the person she made a life with. No one deserves to face that kind of loneliness, not even Poppy.” I remove his hands from my face and step back out of his reach. “I need to pack. You should go be with your family.”
Riot shakes his head, his expression twisted in torment. “I can’t let you go. I need you, Rox. I need you in my life. I can’t watch you walk away again and spend the next twelve years searching for you.”
I try. I try really hard to keep it together and convince myself that this is the right thing to do. But at the sight of his pain and the all-consuming ache in my chest, my resolve cracks, and a tear rolls down my face.
“I wish you a lifetime of happiness and peace and all the love you can stand. I hope you get everything you ever wanted out of fatherhood and show your child and the rest of the world what an amazing man you are, Riot Blu. But we can’t be friends. We can’t be anything. Because I love you too much. And I’ll spend the rest of my life loving you. But I will never take you from your child. I owe you that much.”
I turn away to hide the tears that are cascading down my cheeks. “Now, would you please go?” I croak through the knot of misery in my throat. “I need to pack and get home.”
“Rox, please…” He steps forward. I hold up a palm that stops him in his tracks.
“Riot, I said go. Please. Don’t make this any harder for me. If you care about me at all, you’ll walk out of this room and walk out of my life.” I force myself to turn and look at him one last time. Even through my bleary eyes, I can see the pain shining in his gaze. “Please, Riot. Just go. Just leave me alone.”
I give him my back so I don’t have to watch him walk away. And once I hear the door shut on the rest of my life, I collapse on the floor.
IT’S COMPLETELY DARK BY THE time I pick myself up off the floor to wash my face. I may have been crying for hours. Maybe it was only a few minutes. It’s hard to tell. I don’t even know if I was conscious the entire time.
I don’t bother with organization as I stuff my belonging in my suitcases. My only thing of real value is my computer, and now that I’m jobless and hopeless, I might as well shove that in there too. At least part of me is still aware enough to call an Uber, so maybe that’s a good sign. I care enough to get out of here and save what’s left of my dignity. Or maybe I’m anxious to find the nearest bar and drink myself senseless. I have no plan. I just know that I have to go.
When my suitcase is full with whatever the fuck I packed, whether it was mine or not, I take a deep breath to summon my courage, only to find…nothing. Emptiness. I don’t need courage. You can’t be afraid when you’ve already lost everything.
I turn the knob, not even registering the coolness of it on my skin. And when I push open the door, I pull the contents of my failed career and my failed relationship down the hallway.
There are voices, but I don’t hear them. Faces, but I don’t see them. I have to keep moving. I have to keep going. Because if I see him… I just have to leave him in the past where he belongs. Where we belong.
“Rox, wait.” A hand grasps my upper arm. “Let me drive you. You shouldn’t be out there alone.” Kaz. Sweet, kind Kaz. I wish I could’ve loved him. Maybe in my next lifetime, I will have learned to choose someone like him. “Please, Rox. I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go.”
I shake my head. “My ride is waiting for me.”
I proc
eed to the elevator and press the button to go down, despite his pleading. When I step on and turn around, I catch a glimpse of movement towards the hallway. At least I’m not the only one running.
I should have listened to Kaz. I should have even listened to Harold the doorman who insisted I stay in the building until there was a clear, safe path. Because the second I leave the protection of the lobby doors, I’m assaulted by a storm of lewd questions and camera flashes, the jostling bodies of my aggressors tunneling around me.
“Roxanne, did you have Riot’s baby?”
“Roxanne, over here! Was it a boy or a girl?”
“Did Riot know you were pregnant?”
“How many months along were you when you had an abortion?”
“Did you purposely get pregnant to trap him?”
“Give us the dirt on Riot and Poppy’s relationship.”
“Does Poppy know that you’re sleeping with her boyfriend?”
“Do you three have a polyamorous relationship?”
No matter where I step, they impede my path, making it impossible to get through to my waiting Uber. And just as I think it can’t get any worse, I hear someone shriek, “Hey! There she is!”
I only get a second to brace myself before I see a stampede of blue barreling towards me. I’m practically a sitting duck with the paparazzi on one side and a pissed off PopBlu mob on the other. I try to push my way through the wall of blood-sucking paps, but to no avail. I can’t slip through the breaks in the crowd with my suitcase and would leave it behind if I didn’t think the vultures would pick through it in hopes of uncovering information and maybe my dirty underwear. Sweat collects on my brow, my hands are slick and clammy, and my chest tightens with every inch the horde draws closer, sucking up my oxygen.
My instinct to run and hide is eclipsed only by the overwhelming dull ache of despair, and for a moment, I wonder if it would be better to stop fighting and let them have their way with me. They’ve already destroyed me emotionally. How much worse could it be if they destroyed me physically as well?
“Get back! Get back right now!” The voice comes from behind me, belonging to a gruff avenging angel with a baseball bat.
Harold shields me with his body while wielding the wooden bat to make a path towards the street. He's met with threats and taunts, but the overzealous fans and photogs are smart enough to give us a wide berth. On his own, Harold is a formidable man. Armed and pissed, he’s downright scary, even dressed in a black suit.
I tumble into the backseat of the dark SUV while Harold tosses my luggage into the trunk. My Uber driver stays in his seat, his wide gaze filled with panic. Poor guy had no idea what he was agreeing to and damn sure didn't expect to be chauffeuring the most despised side chick in the country. He spares me a quick glance in the rear-view mirror and I reply with a tight smile of apology. I’m going to have to tip him well, especially since my account is still linked to my TST expense account. Footing the bill is the least they can do after outing me to the world.
“You take care of yourself,” Harold calls out. “Now, get out of here while you still can.”
I wave to him as the car rolls forward and wonder if there’s a deeper meaning to his words. Either way, I don’t plan to return.
“So…” the driver pipes up from the front seat. “You’re, uh, going to Redmond, right?”
“Yeah,” I mumble, leaning against the window. I’m exhausted, my body is sore, and I’m emotionally depleted. I was coasting on the highest of highs this morning, and by sundown, I was cast into the deepest, darkest of lows. I don’t know how much more I can take.
“Nice houses out there. Is that where you live?” He’s just making small talk. Probably working up the nerve to ask what’s really on his mind: Are the rumors true?
“No.”
“Visiting friends?”
“No.” I shake my head, although he can’t see me. “I’m going home.”
It’s late, so I don’t even bother with ringing the bell. Dr. and Dr. Lee usually turn in early to be up for their daily workout, a healthy breakfast, and in by eight for their first patients of the day. The same routine for as long as I can remember. No wonder they were disappointed with me. I couldn’t be consistent to save my life.
I fish out my spare key and let myself in, and after setting down my things, kicking off my shoes, and padding through the foyer to the living room, I’m more than a little surprised to find my mom curled up on the sofa in her nightgown and robe, an iPad in her lap.
She glances up at me wearing a curious frown, but she’s not surprised. My guess is whatever she’s scrolling on that iPad has clued her in.
“Roxy?”
“Mom.”
She’s on her feet and holding me tight just as a fresh wave of emotion wracks my body. I thought I was all cried out, but seeing my mother is like reliving it all over again. Being sixteen and scared and alone. Being so in love with a boy that I would go against their wishes and take a bus to see him, only to be ignored. No, I wasn’t ignored. I wasn’t even seen.
I resented my mom for a long time. She is a strong, professional woman of color. I had always admired her for building a life that most could only dream of while raising a family and dominating in her chosen specialty. And when I needed her to understand—when I needed her to tell me it would be ok—her answer was to “take care of it.” She couldn’t take her doctor hat off long enough to console her sick, anguished daughter. Instead, she called a colleague who could see me right away and keep it off all medical records.
Still, even through all that, I can’t think of anyone on this planet who I need more than her right now.
She leads me to the couch and eases my head onto her lap. And just like she did when I was a little girl, she strokes my head. “What’s wrong, child?” she asks, her accent richer with the late hour. I shake my head, unable to answer just yet, so she continues. “That boy is going to come around. Don’t fret. Nothing is so bad that it cannot be fixed.”
“It’s not that,” I sniffle. “He did forgive me. But this…this can’t be fixed.”
“What can’t?”
“Poppy…she’s pregnant.”
Her hand stills on my hair. “The model girlfriend?”
“Yes.”
“Does he love her?”
“No.”
“Does he love you?”
“Yes. At least that’s what he says.”
“Then he’ll come back for you.” She resumes her movements in my hair. “He’ll come back for you this time.”
“I don’t think so. I hurt him. And she is going to give him what he wants…what I took away.”
“What he wants is you. That’s what he’s always wanted, Roxanne. And maybe I tried to deter you both, but I needed to protect you. Men like him don’t stay in one place for too long. And I wasn’t ready to let you go.”
I sit up and swipe at my wet cheeks. “But you knew how much he meant to me. You saw how miserable I was after he left. I understand that you think you were doing the right thing, and I get it now, but what if I would’ve kept the baby? We could’ve been together. We would’ve been happy.”
My mother shakes her head, then reaches over to grasp my hand. “Dear child.” She takes a deep breath before soldiering on. “After Riot left without a word, I marched next door and gave DeDe an earful, asking her how she could let her son break my sweet girl’s heart.”
“You did?” I breathe. I thought she was happy Riot had left. She said I’d have more time to focus on my schoolwork without him distracting me from my responsibilities.
She nods. “DeDe swore it was that man…that manager of his. He told her that Riot would have a better chance of getting signed if he appeared single because teenage girls with crushes buy CDs. They wanted to market him as the next big teen heartthrob.” My mom rolls her eyes. “They told him he had to say he was single in interviews and never mention you to anyone. And they hoped, one day, he would forget about you altogether.”
“And when I found those vitamins you got from that clinic,” my mom continues, “I knew that I couldn’t watch you hold out hope he would return to you. I couldn’t watch you fall deeper in love with a ghost as your belly grew. You would have raised a baby that was a constant reminder of him, and he would have been living his life like you never existed.”
“But you didn’t know that for sure, Mom,” I counter. “If he would have known, maybe he would have come back.”
“No, my girl. He wouldn’t have. And if you weren’t good enough in his eyes to return to, what makes you think a baby would have worked? And why would you want it to?” She shakes her head and sighs. “You were so young. You hadn’t even started living yet. And you deserved the same chances that he had. I knew his dreams would always be bigger than you and the baby. His wants and his needs would come before you two. I didn’t want your claim to fame to be Riot Blu’s baby mama. Because you’re a star too, Roxy. You’ve always been a star. And don't you forget that.”
I take in her words and let them settle in my chest. All this time, I thought she was embarrassed of having a pregnant teenage daughter. I thought she was more concerned with maintaining our family’s image than fixing the fissures that already existed in the foundation. When all the while, she was protecting me. Saving me from more pain and disappointment. Giving me a shot at a life of my own, even when it’s not the life she had envisioned for me. My mom and I have always been like night and day, and fostering a relationship hasn’t always proved to be easy. But for the first time in a long time, I realize how lucky I am.
“Thank you, Mom,” I utter, before settling my head back into her lap.
She resumes her stroking. And then she says six words that have me wetting her silk robe with tears once again. Words that I thought I’d never hear because I truly thought she never felt them.
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