by B. J Daniels
“Have you spoken to any of your family?” Darby asked.
“I don’t really have any family left. I talked to a friend of mine. Everyone in the Roma community is just glad that Rafael is no longer a threat. But they are all sick over Angel. Not that they blame me.”
But none of that helped when she closed her eyes at night. Rafael was dead. She’d killed him. Mariah wished she could wipe away the memory. She told herself she’d had no choice. He was going to rape her. For all she knew, he’d already killed the deputy. Darby had been hurt badly, was maybe even dying. She’d had no choice and yet it haunted her.
* * *
“HOW IS MARIAH?” Flint asked when he stopped by. The saloon had been reopened once Darby was well enough to work again. The regulars had practically been waiting at the door. Of course, there were those who came to see where two men had died.
Darby had insisted Mariah wait longer to come back to work. He knew there would be those people who wanted to see the woman who’d murdered her former fiancé. The story had gone national.
“You look as if you haven’t had any sleep in days,” Flint said to his brother. “Are you sure you should be back at work so soon?”
“Doc gave me a clean bill of health. I’m fine. It’s just been...hard. Harder on Mariah than me. But she’s all right.” He’d looked away before adding, “She’s still having a little trouble sleeping though.”
“I gathered that since you look the worse for wear. People often think that killing another human being wouldn’t be hard if they had a good enough reason. They see it on television. But it’s different in real life.”
“Are we talking about Mariah now?”
Flint pulled off his Stetson to rake a hand through his thick dark hair. Given how messy it looked, it wasn’t the first time he’d done that today. “I’ve only had to use my weapon once, but it still haunts me. I think Mariah should talk to someone,” Flint continued. “I know someone who might be able to help her.”
“I’ll help her.”
“Darby, she can’t talk to you the way she can a stranger.” He pulled out his phone and keyed in the information. “I sent you a text with the woman’s name. Just think about it.”
His brother nodded. “Thanks, but I’m sure she’ll be fine. She just needs time.”
But later when he went upstairs to check on her, he looked into Mariah’s face. There were dark bruises under her eyes from lack of sleep. Those damned nightmares. He’d hoped that with time it would get better. But he saw the hollowed look in those beautiful dark eyes of hers and knew he had to do something.
“I was talking to Flint earlier,” he said. “He thought you might want to talk to someone. Mariah, if you need to go home to your people for a while...”
She shook her head as she cupped his cheek with her warm soft palm. “You’re my people now. I’m Romani, but I no longer want to live in that community. I haven’t since my uncle arranged my marriage to Rafael. I know my grandmother would understand. She would never have let me marry him.”
“But I think you need more help that I can give you. Flint said it helps to talk to someone. You know, a professional. He gave me the name of a woman.”
“You told him about the nightmares?” She made it sound as if he’d betrayed her.
“No, I didn’t have to. He said he knows what you’re going through. He’s been there. Mariah, I know how strong you are. But sometimes we all need help. In a situation like this...” He cupped her shoulders in his hands and looked into her eyes. “This kind of trauma... At least think about it. For your sake, please. Her name is Nancy Crest. Here’s her number.”
She bit her lower lip for a moment, eyes shiny, and finally nodded as she took the note from him.
* * *
SUE WAS WAITING for Vicki when she came out of the diner’s ladies’ restroom. “I’m going to do you a favor,” her boss said. “I’m going to fire you.”
Vicki thought she might be sick again.
“It’s for your own good. You’ll be able to draw unemployment because I’m betting your deputy boyfriend isn’t going to be helping you out financially. That way you can stay home and take care of yourself until you are well enough to work again. If I can’t put you on, I’ll write you a good recommendation, okay?”
All Vicki could do was nod. Sue had been so kind to her. “I’m sorry.”
Sue brushed that off. “I’ll stop by occasionally and check on you. Bring you something decent to eat. Now get out of here.”
Vicki walked out to find Harp leaning against his patrol SUV. Had Sue called him? Her car had run again after that night Harp had become a hero. But last night a thunderstorm had come through and it wouldn’t start again. Sue had had to give her a ride home again. She’d called Harp and had to leave a message yesterday, but he hadn’t gotten back to her.
“Here, give me your keys,” Harp said now. “I’ll see if I can get your car going for you.”
“It often doesn’t start when it’s raining,” Vicki said, so glad to see him that she’d given him a quick kiss on the cheek. He’d sidestepped most of the kiss, glancing toward the diner as if worried that Sue was watching. “The car will probably start now that it’s dried out.”
Sure enough, it turned right over. Harp left it running and climbed out. He seemed ill at ease around her now. They hadn’t seen much of each other since he’d gotten out of the hospital. Was he sorry he’d told her the truth about that night? She’d never tell. Didn’t he realize that?
“I guess I’ll see you later. We can talk then about...well, everything,” he said.
She nodded and smiled. “I’ve been thinking about it. I think you should move in with me. My apartment is small but it’s all we need right now. We can save our money until the baby comes.”
Harp looked as green around the gills as she often felt.
She had to laugh. “I know it’s scary. I feel the same way. But as long as we’re together...”
“Right.” He nodded and looked toward the diner. “You going to keep working here until the baby comes?”
“No. Sue just fired me so I can collect unemployment. I haven’t been able to work. Too sick.” She shrugged. “But the morning sickness is supposed to only last three months.”
“Huh. Okay.” He edged toward his patrol SUV. “I guess I’ll see you tonight, then.” He looked so serious that she felt sorry for him. But she told herself that he’d be fine once he realized what a good wife she would be.
* * *
DARBY COULDN’T BELIEVE how much he’d seen of his brother Flint lately. He’d been by every day for one reason or another. So it was no surprise when he drove up again a few days later. Darby and Lillie were in the kitchen when he came in the back door.
“Thought I’d give you an update on Kendall Raines,” Flint said. “I stopped by her apartment. She’s long gone,” he said as he joined Darby and Lillie at the kitchen table. Billie Dee was busy cooking up something that smelled wonderful and singing to herself.
“I’m not surprised she took off,” Darby said, thinking he wasn’t a very good judge of character. “Mariah told me that she saw Kendall going through Lillie’s locker.”
“I always leave my tips in there. That time she was out of luck since I’d taken them to the bank,” Lillie said.
Darby sighed. “I figured that money was gone with her, as well.” They would have needed proof in order to have Kendall thrown in jail—let alone get restitution. “Don’t worry, I’ll be more careful when I hire her replacement. I’ll run the next one through an agency, I promise.”
“Everyone loved her,” Lillie bemoaned. “She was so good at her job.”
“Apparently,” Darby said.
“And to think that I tried to get the two of you together.” His sister looked horrified at the idea now. “All
the time she was stealing from us. You must have suspected her.”
Darby laughed. “Nope. She just wasn’t my type.”
“Unlike Mariah,” Lillie said, brightening. “How is she?”
“Still shaken. She’s seeing a counselor. Flint’s idea.” He smiled at his brother.
“Everyone thinks that, if forced, they could kill,” his brother said. “They just don’t realize what it does to you, taking another person’s life.”
“Mariah’s the one, isn’t she?” Lillie said studying her brother.
“The one?” He let out a laugh and shook his head. The one? He didn’t know about that. What he did know was that when she wasn’t around he felt empty inside as if drained of whatever made him get up in the morning. Mariah challenged him. She made even the darkest days brighter. She brought something interesting into his life. Mostly, she’d made him want her like he’d never wanted any other woman. He smiled. “Yeah, she’s the one.”
Lillie laughed. “So what are you going to do about it? You can’t let her get away.”
He hadn’t had time to think about the future. He was still dealing with the past, like Mariah. But the thought of her getting away, as Lillie put it, shook him. Would she want to go back to the Roma community now that she was safe from Rafael? She said not, but he knew it was what her grandmother had wanted for her.
Also he worried that he wasn’t enough for her right now. Maybe she needed, if not family, then people she had known. Maybe she needed to go back to the Roma community to overcome everything that had happened.
At the thought, he felt hollow inside as if someone had carved out his heart. He had to talk to Mariah. He’d been waiting, waiting for her to get better. Waiting because he was afraid.
* * *
MARIAH HADN’T KNOWN what to expect. It had taken her a few days before she’d called the number that Darby had given her.
Nancy Crest opened the door holding a baby in one arm and a dog on a leash in the other. “Sorry,” she said, looking past Mariah to the street as a car pulled up and a man got out. “My husband is running late.”
The man ran up the walk, apologizing as he took the baby, the diaper bag and the dog. He kissed his wife and left.
Nancy smiled. “It isn’t usually this crazy here in the mornings.” She laughed. “What am I saying? It’s usually worse. Come on in.” She stepped aside to let her enter.
Mariah was thinking what a mistake this was. She didn’t want to talk about any of this with a stranger. Especially this harried mother.
But when Nancy led her out to a room off the back, she relaxed a little. The room was filled with plants and sunlight and comfortable colorful chairs. Nancy plopped down in one and offered Mariah her choice.
“I love this room,” the woman was saying. “It gives me peace.” Nancy breathed in deeply, closing her eyes for a moment.
Mariah looked around and found herself breathing a little easier as she picked a chair.
“I shot my first husband. It was an accident. We were arguing over a gun.”
She looked into the woman’s warm brown eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.
“I was a mess. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. No charges were filed because there were witnesses. Not that it mattered. He’d wanted to kill himself—and me with him because he’d had an affair and the woman had dumped him. He blamed me.” She smiled sadly. “Life just isn’t fair sometimes.”
Mariah said nothing as she thought of Rafael. He would definitely have killed her and Darby, as well. She’d never seen him so out of control.
“I couldn’t believe I killed him. I was so angry that he forced me to do it. Mostly I felt such overwhelming guilt,” Nancy said as she reached for a carafe sitting on a small table. “Tea? I’m not a huge fan but for some reason this room requires it.”
She couldn’t help but smile and nod. She wasn’t a huge fan of tea either but she felt a bond with this woman.
“Even knowing that he would have killed the two of us if I had let go of that gun... It didn’t help. I’d taken a life,” Nancy said as she poured the tea. “The life of a man I knew and had once loved. Whether you shoot someone on purpose or the gun goes off accidentally, the victim is still dead. But when forced to take a life, well that makes an enormous difference in how you later reckon with what you’ve done.”
“It’s hard to talk about,” Mariah said.
The woman nodded. “Nightmares?”
“I keep reliving it.”
“I went through the same thing. The ‘what if I had done this differently?’ What if... All a waste of time. Can’t turn back time.”
“So what did you do?”
“At first I tried to handle it myself. Bottled it up. Told myself with time, I’d be fine.” Nancy laughed and shook her head. “Finally, a friend talked me into seeing someone.” She smiled. “It was amazing to just talk about it with someone who didn’t know me or my husband. I can see you’re skeptical. I was too. But there are other things you can do, as well.”
Mariah took the cup of tea Nancy handed her and cupped it in her hands. The heat felt good. It did seem to go with the room.
“You can write everything you remember down. Surprisingly this can help you keep from reliving it in your brain. Just get it out. You would think that the greatest threat to your mental health would be the fear of dying. But it is the act of taking another person’s life.”
They sipped their tea in the quiet of the sunroom for a few moments.
“It also helps if you can talk to someone who understands,” Nancy said. “If and when you’re ready.”
Mariah couldn’t speak around the lump in her throat.
“I was so depressed, I felt so isolated, so...changed. I love this quote by Victor Hugo from Les Misérables. ‘Every blade has two edges; he who wounds with one wounds himself with the other.’ Humans are wired not to kill another human being.
“There is a suffering that comes from killing. I hope you’ll let me help you through it.”
They finished their tea, talked about the weather, Lillie’s upcoming wedding and finally Nancy said, “Close your eyes. Think of something that makes you happy.”
Mariah complied. She thought of Darby.
“Something not connected with recent events.”
She squeezed her eyes tighter and thought of her grandmother. She imagined her sitting in a chair smiling up at her. In her imagination, her grandmother reached for her hand. Mariah could almost feel the weathered warm skin, the strong grasp, the feeling that everything was going to be all right. She didn’t want to open her eyes, didn’t want to let go of the image or the feeling.
Hot tears welled behind her eyelids. A sob escaped as she felt her hand in her grandmother’s strong, warm one. Another sob burst from her and then another.
* * *
ELY PULLED UP a stool and looked down the bar. “What’s he draggin’ for?” he asked Lillie, motioning in Darby’s direction. The Stagecoach Saloon was quiet this morning even with the family gathered.
Lillie looked in Darby’s direction. Her heart ached for him. “A woman.”
Her father’s eyes widened. “’Bout time he got serious about someone. So what’s the problem?”
“Mariah’s not from here. She’s from a completely different culture. There’s a chance she won’t want to stay.”
“So he’ll have to go after her and convince her otherwise.”
Lillie smiled and touched her dad’s hand. Her heart was bursting with love for this irascible, strange, wonderful man. “How are you doing?”
“Fine.” He was looking down the bar at Darby as if worried about him. She knew that feeling. She’d been worried about him too—until Mariah had come into his life. She’d never seen him happier. At least for a while. Now though...
<
br /> “Don’t give him a hard time,” she said. She’d already warned Hawk and Cyrus. To her surprise, neither of them had stepped out of line. They had all been worried about Darby. Fortunately, the gunshot had healed and so had his brain after the concussion. Now the only thing that was ailing was his heart.
“I won’t tease him,” her father said. “So when’s this weddin’? I’m just stayin’ around for it. Once we get you and Trask married, I’m headin’ back up into the mountains.”
Lillie wanted to talk him out of it. But she could tell by the set of his jaw that Ely was having none of it. This was his life. She couldn’t take that away from him and she knew her brothers wouldn’t have much luck either at talking him out of going back into the mountains. “I’m just glad you’ll be here for my wedding. I can’t get married without you.”
He looked at her then. His eyes were moist as he squeezed her hand and said, “I wouldn’t miss my daughter’s weddin’. Not for nothin’.”
He looked down the bar at Darby again. “Son, get off your duff and ask the woman,” Ely called down the bar. “I can’t believe I raised such lily-livered boys. Not one of them is going to make me a grandfather before I’m dead,” he complained good-naturedly. “It’s going to be up to you, Lillie Girl, the way things are going. I’m depending on you.”
She laughed. “I’ll do my best, Dad.”
* * *
DARBY REINED IN his horse beside Mariah. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of a horseback ride sooner. She looked relaxed, the sun on her face, her gaze on the mountains ahead. A warm breeze stirred the pines and he could hear the creek babbling nearby.
“I don’t think you have ever looked more beautiful than you do right now,” he said.
She looked over at him and laughed. “Flatterer.”
“I mean it. I can tell you’re feeling better.”
“I am, but getting out like this? I needed it. I love this place.” She cocked her head at him. “I’m surprised you didn’t want to ranch with your brothers.”
“It’s in my blood, that’s for sure. But I guess I needed to find my own way. Being handed the ranch was too easy,” he said with a self-deprecating chuckle. “I like to do things the hard way. Come on.” He slid down off his horse and went to hers to help her down.