“…? What is it? Some kind of magical item?”
“Allegedly, a solution to the perennial adventurer problem of how to deal with bathroom business while in the field. It’s a magically compressed toilet that constructs itself the moment you open the box. It even makes the sound of flowing water for privacy.”
“Awesome. That sounds really convenient.”
After all, bathroom needs were a serious issue for adventurers, whose work often kept them outdoors overnight.
“Its drawbacks, such as they are, are that the flushing noise is loud enough to attract monsters, and the mechanism that creates the water is too powerful and has a tendency to flood the immediate area.”
“I-I’ll pass, thanks. Any other magic items you recommend?”
In response, Vanir took a potion bottle from the shelf.
“A recommendation, is it? How about a potion that explodes when you open it, which our penurious proprietor stocks for reasons I cannot fathom? They cost three hundred thousand eris each, but imagine how much you could make if you took one to the bank and threatened to open it in front of one of the tellers. How about it?”
“Not for me. Aren’t there any useful items in this shop?”
At that, Vanir heaved a sigh.
“Our senseless shop owner has a singular talent for stocking items that cannot possibly be of any use. If I so much as take my eyes off her, she starts ordering things I’ve barely even heard of…”
But then he stopped.
“…Oh yes. Boy, you said you were going on a hot-springs vacation?”
“…? Sure, but…so what?”
Vanir flitted nearer to me.
“Perhaps you could take my senseless shopkeeper with you. I’m going to need some capital to start production on your items, but with her around, who can say what bizarre trinket she’ll waste our resources on next? This girl’s a much better Lich than she is a businesswoman. I see all, yet even I cannot judge the outcome if there were to be a power struggle between the two of us.”
“…Are you telling me to take Wiz for her own protection? I mean, I don’t mind, but Aqua hates the undead…”
“For such a slender shopkeeper, she has a surprising preference for large baths. Receive this prophecy from me, the all-seeing demon: At your destination, there shall be an opportunity for mixed bathing.”
“Leave it to me! I’ll be careful with her.”
When I got to the meeting place by the carriages, Aqua and the others were already there.
“I thought I told you to go ahead and save us some seats. Hey, what’s that on your back?”
It was, in fact, Wiz—blackened, unconscious, her eyes rolled up in her head. I explained my discussion with Vanir.
“Huh? Fine, I guess,” Aqua said with surprising calmness, “but did you notice she’s starting to fade a little?”
She was right. Wiz was looking a little more transparent than usual.
“Oh no! Is she okay?! Quick, healing magic—I mean, no! Not on an undead!”
“Calm yourself, Kazuma,” Megumin said. “Now is the time for Drain Touch. Use it to transfer some vitality to her!”
“Going out of town…,” Darkness murmured. “The last time I did that was when I was a girl and Father took me to the Capital for the princess’s birthday… Hmm? Kazuma? What are you doing, taking my haaaaand?!”
I grasped the Crusader’s hand as she sat there lost in her own little world and Drain Touched her.
I transferred the vitality I took from her into Wiz, who started turning a bit more solid and finally opened her eyes.
“Huh…? Mr. Kazuma, is that you? Where are we…?”
Darkness was busy wringing my neck as Wiz scanned her environs in confusion.
“D-d-drain me, will you?! Here I was finally enjoying some old memories! Why is it always an ambush with you?!”
“Hrrrgh, what else could I do? It was an emergency! You’ve got more HP than anyone else here, right?!”
“Sir and ladies! If you don’t get aboard, we’re going to leave without you!”
5
As adventurers, we might have been able to get ourselves hired as guards, but I wasn’t actually keen to do any battles, on the off chance something did happen. So we just paid the fare like everyone else and traveled as simple passengers.
I didn’t want to fight.
I had been killed just dealing with some of the weak monsters right near town. What chance did I stand against anything big enough to want to attack a crowded carriage?
Luckily, the reward from our battle with Vanir had been almost ten million for each of us.
We were finally taking a vacation. Why not enjoy ourselves a little?
“Hey, Kazuma! Let’s take that carriage! I can tell it’ll be the smoothest ride! I call the window, by the way. Be sure to pick seats where we can get a good view of the scenery. Come on, Kazuma, go buy our tickets. Hurry up, you don’t want everyone else to get all the good spots.”
Leave it to Aqua to set her heart on the most expensive-looking ride available.
It was a smallish carriage; the driver’s seat and the passenger area were joined, with room for luggage at the back.
And the luggage rack already had plenty of luggage on it.
The wooden passenger seats behind the driver should have had room for five people, but…
“…Hey, mister, why is one seat already taken? What’s this? It’s kind of in the way…,” I said.
One of the five places was already taken.
And not by a person. A small cage sat there with a lizard inside.
It was about the size of a cat, with red eyes that had a nasty glimmer.
No. It couldn’t be…
“That, sir, is a baby Red Dragon. Its owner is riding in the other carriage, but they paid for the dragon to have a seat in this one. I’m afraid someone in your party is going to have to ride with the bags. Although I know it won’t be comfortable…”
“I see,” I said, accepting the explanation.
So this carriage would be cheaper by the price of one ticket. We wouldn’t want to ride with just one stranger, so I decided to stick with this one.
“So the only question is, who rides in the back—?”
“Let’s play rock, paper, scissors!” Aqua interrupted me. “I think that’s the best way to decide these things.”
Apparently, she was starting to learn that she always drew the short straw when it came to things like this. Maybe she had sensed that somehow she would end up with the luggage if she didn’t do something.
“U-um, I know you weren’t expecting me to come along, so how about I take that spot?”
Wiz was raising her hand hesitantly. I had explained that we were bringing her along at Vanir’s insistence.
But Vanir had already given me money to cover her travel expenses.
We couldn’t do something so unfair to one of our number.
“No, Wiz, we’re going to play it fair here. Rock, paper, scissors it is, Aqua. I don’t mind.”
“Huh?” Aqua seemed thoroughly nonplussed by my quick, sure answer.
…Rock, paper, scissors? I was in.
I hadn’t realized it existed in this world, too.
I guess the Japanese guys who got here before me must have spread the good word.
Darkness and Megumin didn’t object, either, but just got ready to play.
With a shout, Aqua made a fist…
“Okay then, here I go! Rock, paper, scissors!”
I pulled scissors while everyone else had paper. I won this round.
I made to board the carriage, but Aqua stopped me.
“Who said we were doing it elimination-style? All five of us play together, and we keep going until there’s one loser.”
“You’re kidding.”
I should have known there was something funny going on when she brought it up.
…Fine.
“Okay, Aqua. How about you and I go one-on-one? Three rounds. If
you win even one of them, I’ll sit with the luggage.”
“No way, seriously? You must be even stupider than you look. Don’t you even know about probability? The chances of you winning three times in a row are, like, nothing.”
I simply faced her down, gesturing to the other three to get on board.
“I’ve never lost a game of rock, paper, scissors.”
Three rounds. Rock, paper—!
“—No way! This makes no sense! You must have cheated! Come on, one more time! If I lose this time, I’ll sit in the back for real!”
Aqua, half in tears, kept accusing me of suspicious behavior. She sure could be persistent when she wanted to.
“For real? If you keep pestering me after this, I swear I’ll tie you down there with a rope.”
Aqua gave a confident little chuckle at that.
“You’re on. I don’t know how you’re cheating, Kazuma, but if that’s how you want to play, I’ve got a few tricks of my own! Blessing!”
“Hey! That’s playing dirty!”
Aqua had cast a buff on herself that bestowed the luck of the gods. The exact effects varied from case to case, but basically, it raised your Luck stat for a while.
“They say luck is a kind of ability—well, my magical ability is a kind of luck! Now, here we go! Rock, paper—scissors!”
I won again.
“But howww?” Aqua whined as I made a shooing motion toward the luggage rack.
“It’s weird, but I’ve never lost a game of rock, paper, scissors, ever since I was a kid.”
It was the only case in which I believed in my allegedly excellent Luck.
“You’re awful! That’s cheating! You were basically born with a special ability! So you don’t need my blessings—just send me home! Right back to Heaven, you damn cheater!”
This goddess!
“You dumb jerk! Are you saying my unique special ability is playing rock, paper, scissors? How stupid are you? How is that supposed to help me survive around here? Do I just walk into the Demon King’s castle and tell him, ‘Hey, how about if I beat you at a children’s game, you stop bothering everyone’?”
“But— But—!”
As Aqua stood there, still protesting, I finally just grabbed her.
“But you know what ticks me off the most? That you think you’re a blessing! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! What’s a blessing about you? If I could send you back and get an actual special ability instead, you’d be in Heaven so fast—!”
“Waaaah! How can you say that, Kazuma?! Hey, thoppit! Leggo ob by cheeks!”
6
I lost track of how long we’d been traveling in the rumbling, rattling carriage.
Our hometown was completely out of sight, and we were surrounded by unfamiliar countryside.
There was a small window mounted in the side of the carriage, and having never been very far outside town, I was watching the scenery roll by. Even though I was supposedly an adventurer, this was the first chance I’d had since coming to this world to travel and really take in what was around me.
Darkness was sitting next to me in full armor, glued to the window, watching the world go by with the wonder and curiosity of a child. Since she was the daughter of a noble house, maybe it was her first time outside the area, too.
Only Megumin was more interested in the cage with the dragon in it than she was in the sights beyond the window, perhaps because she’d had more experience of the outside world than we had.
I thought I heard her mutter something about Chomusuke being cuter, but she must have wanted to feed the creature anyway, because she had stuck a hand in her pocket and started fumbling around to see if she had anything to give it.
Then there was Wiz, who was smiling and petting the strangely affectionate Chomusuke on her lap.
—An altogether quiet ride. Until…
“Kazumaaaa! Dear Kazumaaaaa! My butt hurts! A lot! Could somebody trade places with me soon?”
Aqua called back to us from the lurching luggage rack.
Sheesh, all right.
“Fine, I’ll switch with you at the next rest stop, so just hang in there till then.”
Aqua was overjoyed at that and began humming happily among the cargo, hugging her knees to her chest.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to change with her?” Wiz asked. “I wonder why Mr. Vanir said I should go on this trip, anyway. Hee-hee… He’s been so thoughtful to me. ‘Wiz!’ he’d say. ‘You just sit at the counter grinning. No need for you to do any work.’ So thoughtful…”
She related this to us with a smile.
I hadn’t told her the real reason Vanir had asked us to bring her along. How could I?
“Huh,” Aqua said, “who knew that masked weirdo could be so nice? Are you sure he’s not planning something?”
“Aqua, milady, Mr. Vanir does have his good side. Lately, he’s been chasing away the crows that flock the local trash pile. All the women in town call him Vanir the Crow Slayer.”
What is a demon doing just hanging around the neighborhood, anyway?
Our carriage was part of a whole caravan of vehicles stretching down the road. They carried travelers, adventurers hired as bodyguards by the merchants, and all kinds of cargo.
A large contingent of people and carriages meant weaker monsters were likely to keep their distance. With a group this size, we would probably be fine.
That was what I kept telling myself, anyway.
Even though I knew perfectly well by now how this worthless world worked.
—I was the first to notice it, too.
Since my Second Sight skill was active as I gazed out the window, I spotted a cloud of dust in the distance.
And it was headed straight toward the road we were traveling on.
It was still a ways off, but it was getting bigger and bigger at a rate that suggested its source was moving at a pretty good clip.
“Hey, what’s that?” I indicated the cloud to Darkness, who had been busy looking through the other window. But without the Second Sight skill, it seemed she couldn’t make out the dust cloud, and she only looked at me in confusion.
As an ominous sense started creeping over me, I called to the driver.
“Excuse me, there’s some kind of dust cloud coming this way. Pretty quickly, too. Do you know what it is?”
The driver had an easy grip on the reins. He replied:
“A dust cloud? Moving fast? Around here, the only thing that would account for that would be a herd of Lizard Runners. But word is the Princess of the Runner herd was taken down just the other day, so maybe it’s a Sand Whale blowing out some sand. The only other thing I can think it might be is Dashing Hawkites.”
I’m not a big fan of monsters with bad puns for names.
“Heh, don’t look at me like that. I didn’t come up with the name. It’s a kingly avian, a crossbreed of a hawk and a kite. It can’t fly, so instead it runs at high speeds using its powerful legs. When it finds prey, it leaps on it. Very dangerous creature.”
I would really prefer not to be attacked by a monster with such a stupid name.
The coachman must have been able to tell what I was thinking, because he chuckled and said, “It’s all right, sir. Spring is their mating season, just like the Lizard Runners. To attract the attention of the females, the male birds put on a display of courage called a chicken race. It’s very strange. They pick something hard, something that would be very unpleasant to run into, and then they sprint straight at it, only dodging away from it at the last second. Apparently, some overzealous birds actually collide with the object and die. But they generally seek out tough, durable things. I’m sure they’re just over there flinging themselves at trees or rocks or something.”
I see. That’s reassuring.
Satisfied, I returned to my seat.
But when I looked at the cloud of dust again…
It’s even closer.
There was no mistaking. It was nearer than it had been
before.
And it was clearly headed straight for us.
“Excuse me. Excuse me! I swear it’s coming this way, and fast. Are you sure we’re all right?”
At my words, the driver tugged on the reins, slowing the horses in an attempt to get a good look at the oncoming haze.
“…Ah, that’s certainly some Dashing Hawkites. No question about it. But why would they be coming toward us? I wonder if the merchant carriages have anything exceptionally hard in them, like Adamantite. Those birds do love tough substances. The merchant caravan seems to have noticed them. Don’t worry about… Hmm? They… They do seem to be coming this way. They… They seem to be coming for this carriage…!”
They were definitely headed directly for the passenger seats of our vehicle.
Meaning…!
“Kazuma! Some extremely fast animals are approaching! I think… They’re focused on me! Wh-what intense stares! Pant…pant… Th-this is bad, Kazuma, very bad! I’m afraid they’re going to run right over me and trample me into the ground…!”
“You?!” I had the sudden urge to grab my head with my hands.
“I’ll stop the carriage, ma’am! The adventurers riding in the other vehicles will dismount and protect you—and us!”
…Gee. Sorry our Crusader is so tough.
I whispered to Darkness, “Hey, Darkness, those monsters are after you. They like running into hard objects. They want those rock-hard muscles of yours.”
“Kazuma, I do have some shred of womanliness. Don’t describe my muscles as rock-hard. Anyway, my armor is a special-order item with just a bit of Adamantite in it. And with my defensive skills… I’m sure that’s what’s drawing them… N-no, seriously. Stop looking at me like that. My body isn’t that tough…!”
The carriage came to a halt, and Darkness and I got ready to jump out of it.
“Megumin, Aqua, we’re up! I know we didn’t want to fight, but we brought these guys on the caravan, so we’ll clean up our own mess.”
At that, the four of us dismounted.
You Good-for-Nothing Quartet Page 5