You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “You know, it’s really hard to work with the two of you staring at me.”

  At that, Megumin replied, “Oh, I was just thinking what skillful repair work you do. You could probably make a living as a smith if you wanted.”

  “…Mm. It’s exciting, somehow, to watch my own armor being restored.”

  Both of them had a sparkle in their eyes as they spoke.

  There were more than ten carriages in our party and a proportionate number of people. The dozens of us were all camping out under the stars, feasting around bonfires—this was a fantasy world as I’d always imagined it.

  Suddenly, there was a commotion around the fire where Aqua was showing off her skills.

  I looked up. She must have shown them one of her more impressive party tricks.

  The crowd was plying her with approbation and calls for an encore.

  “Again! Aqua, milady, show us that trick again!”

  “We’ll pay you! Please do it again!”

  The people from the merchant caravan were insistent.

  Maybe showmanship was her true calling.

  The people in this caravan had come from all over to trade. This was the moment I finally came to accept that they really hadn’t heard of my party and its terrible reputation. After all the trouble today, people from our town, the ones who knew us well, might have suspected we were somehow behind everything.

  …Phew. I’m getting tired.

  Since we weren’t hired guards, there was no need for us to take a shift on watch during the night.

  I informed the others I was going to sleep.

  “…Yes. Sleep well,” Megumin said, “but be prepared to get up at any time.”

  For some reason, she was smiling.

  Midnight.

  Some kind of sound awoke me. The people on guard didn’t seem to have noticed it.

  I glanced over at my companions, who were all sleeping soundly by the fire.

  Well, I couldn’t make out Aqua or Darkness, but Megumin and Wiz were asleep.

  So why did I have such a bad feeling?

  I heard the noise again, faintly, just beyond the barricade.

  Maybe I should wake the others.

  “Hey, Megumin, get up. You too, Wiz. Something’s wrong.”

  I shook Megumin’s shoulder. But she went on sleeping happily, drool dribbling from the edge of her mouth.

  “Megumin! Wiz! Wake up, will you? Wake up, or I’ll… I’ll do something so embarrassing you won’t even be able to look at me for days! Look, I don’t care if you don’t wake up. It’s no problem for me. I had a good reason for trying to get you up. But you wouldn’t. So I’m not gonna hold back, okay? Sure you don’t want to get up?”

  “You think that’s an excuse? Just what are you up to?”

  “Eeyikes!”

  I almost jumped out of my skin at the voice from behind me.

  Y-you’re gonna give me a heart attack!

  “Geez, Darkness, don’t scare me like that. If you’re awake, then say something. You almost caught me doing something awful.”

  I had thought she was asleep on the other side of me.

  “…I really am curious what you had in mind. But hold that thought…,” she whispered, carefully looking around.

  What had happened to the disappointment of a Crusader from this afternoon? The Darkness who was vigilantly scanning the campsite looked like a real adventurer.

  …Huh?

  I felt a twinge. It was my Sense Foe skill kicking in.

  The adventurer on guard must have been the Thief from earlier. He probably had the same skill I did, because suddenly he was raising the alarm.

  “There’s something here! Everyone, wake up!”

  Adventurers and merchants alike came leaping to their feet.

  I activated my Second Sight skill, peering into the night beyond the carriages. I could discern several squirming human forms.

  …Were there…people out there? They seemed to be moving a little too sluggishly for that.

  “Whatever they are, there’s a bunch of them! Humanoid forms, but moving slowly!” I called out, and the guards picked up long sticks, igniting the ends in the fires to illuminate the area around the camp.

  Writhing in the torchlight were…

  …terrifying figures, shedding patches of rotten flesh.

  Zombies: major undead.

  “““Ahhhhhhh!”””

  The flickering light made the image especially horrifying, and everyone who saw them started screaming… Myself included, of course.

  Darkness was standing there with her great sword in hand, although she didn’t have her armor on.

  I indicated Megumin, who was still fast asleep, and said, “Look after her! I’m going to find Aqua—she might do us some good for once!”

  And maybe this would be our chance to make it up to the caravan for this afternoon, even if they didn’t know there was anything to make up for.

  The incident with the Dashing Hawkites that Darkness had attracted earlier had resulted in a number of injuries and damaged carriages.

  At this point I was too scared to admit that the attack had been our fault and apologize, and I didn’t like it. Maybe now I could do the right thing and soothe my conscience.

  My eyes swept the area for any sign of Aqua.

  “Eeeeek! What’s going on?! Why did I wake up to find undead everywhere?! Kazuma! Dear Kazumaaaa!”

  I looked toward the shout and saw Aqua, who had apparently been sleeping propped up against the carriage, faced with the rictus grins of the zombies.

  Huh? Wait. No… No way.

  “Stupid undead! How dare you try to attack me in my sleep! Lost souls, rest in peace! Turn Undead!”

  At Aqua’s shout, a gentle white light covered the area. Everyone who saw it let out an ooh.

  As the light washed over the horde of zombies, they crumbled away one by one, purified…

  And everyone who saw it went from oohing to cheering.

  I, however, could only think one thing:

  I’m so sorry.

  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It was your mistake to show up when I was around! I’ll send you all to your final resting places!”

  Standing proudly in the light of the fire, she really was the image of a goddess sending lost souls to Heaven.

  Watching her, I muttered quietly:

  “…so, so sorry.”

  With Aqua hard at work, everyone else was already jubilant with victory. They heaped praise on my Arch-priest.

  “What a beautiful priest…! Practically a goddess!”

  “Look at her purify those zombies! She’s with that Crusader who risked herself to save us this afternoon…!”

  I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. I apologize for each and every one of my party members.

  “Zombie attacks are pretty rare. Lucky for us that priest just happened to be along!”

  Forgive me. If my goddess hadn’t been here, you probably wouldn’t have had this zombie problem.

  “Easy as pie! How about that, Kazuma? Worthy of a goddess, wouldn’t you say? I’ve worked pretty hard on this trip. An appropriate offering or two wouldn’t go unappreciated.”

  I understood she naturally attracted undead, and I couldn’t blame her for it. But when she sidled up to me looking so pleased with herself, I wanted to smack her.

  “What?! Wiz, stay with me! Help! Wiz is—!”

  I thought I heard Darkness calling frantically, but the leader of the caravan was already coming over to where Aqua and I were talking.

  “You saved our necks again! Now I really will give you that reward, and I shall not take no for an answer!”

  Deepest apologies, but you’re going to have to.

  Chapter 3

  May We Sightsee in This Pathetic Town!

  1

  “Enjoy yourselves, then, and this wonderful hot-springs town! Really, you were such a tremendous help! Thank you so much!”

  The caravan leader bowed repeatedly to us as h
e left.

  Arcanletia: the so-called “city of water and hot springs.”

  This was where the long trip in that bone-rattling carriage had brought us.

  I had actually tried to explain to the leader of the expedition that I thought this latest monster attack was probably our fault. But he just laughed at my “joke” and refused to take me seriously. He seemed convinced that I was just fabricating a reason why we couldn’t accept any reward money. Frankly, that would be just as well for us.

  But as we steadfastly refused any payment, he gave us several nights’ worth of coupons for a hotel instead.

  Apparently, he wasn’t just a caravan leader but also the owner of the largest inn in Arcanletia.

  He and the others were heading straight on to the next town.

  “Ahh… Jarippa… I’ll miss Jarippa…,” Megumin muttered as she watched the carriage disappear into the distance.

  Plenty of other travelers and adventurers had disembarked at the stop with us, but as they filtered away into town, Megumin stood and watched the departing carriage until it vanished from sight.

  “What in the world is Jarippa?” Aqua asked before suddenly realizing the answer. “Do you mean that baby dragon? Come to think of it, that rich-looking guy did say he wanted the ‘great wizard’ who had helped so much to name the thing.”

  …He asked a Crimson Magic Clan member to name something?

  “I’ve heard that once named, dragons will never respond to another name as long as they live,” Darkness said. I imagined that was pretty important.

  Megumin nodded, appearing deeply moved.

  “It seemed pleased with the name Jarippa. I placed a letter inside the cage for the owner, informing him of this name. I hope the owner will take good care of Jarippa.”

  What has she done?

  After she had bestowed such a bizarre name upon my beloved sword, I could sympathize with the dragon’s owner.

  “You need to quit randomly doling out weird names to everything. It’s time to admit to yourself that Crimson Magic Clan people can’t name their way out of a paper bag.”

  “I admit you have no intuition for what makes a good name… Which is a shame, since you yourself have such a fine one. When you have a child, I shall name it for you.”

  “You’re the last person I would ever ask to… Wait a second. Did you just say that ‘Kazuma’ somehow appeals to your Crimson Magic sensibilities? That’s really depressing…”

  I looked around town, carrying Wiz on my back. She was still unconscious after a certain someone’s Turn Undead spell the night before.

  And it was that very caster who now exclaimed:

  “We made it! Arcanletia, city of water and hot springs!”

  —Arcanletia, the aquatic, hot-springs capital.

  Canals ran all around this town, which sat next to towering mountains home to natural geothermal springs and clear lakes. All the buildings were primarily blue, creating a beautiful skyline, and everyone seemed excited and happy.

  It was striking to see such tranquility in a world afflicted by the Demon King’s army.

  Apparently, it had once seen battle with the agents of the King, but since that time, the enemy had diligently avoided it.

  They claimed it was because the Demon King’s army had found it difficult to fight a town with a large population of priests.

  They claimed it was because this settlement was under the blessing of Lady Aqua, goddess of water.

  They claimed.

  “Welcome. It’s so wonderful to have you here in Arcanletia. Are you here for sightseeing? Religious conversion? Adventuring? Baptism? If you’ve come seeking work, please, join the Axis sect! Right now, you can earn money simply by visiting other cities to expound the magnificence of the Axis Church! And it comes with perks: You get to call yourself an Axis disciple! Come on, now!”

  Or maybe it was because there was a large population of Axis disciples in this city, and the Demon King didn’t want anything to do with them.

  We had barely arrived when a group of apparent Axis faithful approached us.

  “What beautiful blue hair! Is that your natural color? I’m so jealous! I could die of envy! And that feather mantle looks like you got it from Lady Aqua herself!”

  I looked over to where our resident deity was receiving a very enthusiastic welcome from a female believer.

  …I think we could be in trouble here.

  If she made with her “Actually, I am a goddess!” shtick, they’d be sure to call her an imposter and turn her into a punching bag.

  People were already crowding around Megumin and Darkness, too.

  Wiz was still passed out on my back. Small blessings, I guess.

  Aqua, busy drinking in the praise for her looks, was the only one who seemed wholly pleased with the situation.

  I worked my way close to her and whispered in her ear, “Hey, ixnay on the goddess-of-water stuff here, all right? I guarantee it’ll get us in trouble. And try not to use your name. Come up with a fake one.”

  “Obviously, Kazuma. I’m not an idiot. But come on! Let’s get to town! This is Arcanletia, city of water and hot springs! As the goddess of water, I could hardly be more excited! And best of all, this is the home base of the Axis Church!”

  “?!”

  The Axis Church. The one that’s supposed to be full of weirdos. This was their home base?!

  This religious sect, incidentally, also happened to worship Aqua as a goddess.

  …No wonder she wanted to come here.

  I could hardly leave the fidgeting goddess on her own, though, so I bowed to the Axis acolyte who had greeted us and said, “I’m sorry, but we already have an Axis priest. We’re only here as tourists. Maybe next time…”

  I was just trying to get away, but the believer waved at us and said with a broad grin, “I see—that’s fantastic! Well, my fellows in the faith, may you have a wonderful day!”

  Megumin and Darkness looked as relieved as I felt to be away from the evangelist.

  But then…

  “Welcome to Arcanletia! Axis believers often testify to the great things that happened to them when they believed: They were cured of illness, won the lottery, mastered an art. What could be in store for you when you join us?”

  …Who ever heard of such a pushy religion?

  As I warily eyed the zealous Axis welcome party, trying to keep my distance, I sensed the church itself knew I was avoiding it.

  “…A-anyway, let’s find somewhere to stay. I feel bad about basically scamming that guy, but since he gave us those hotel vouchers, we might as well use them and be grateful for it.”

  However, Aqua only smiled.

  “You all go stay at that inn if you like. As an Arch-priest of the Axis Church, I can go to church headquarters, and they’ll fawn over me!”

  I didn’t like where this was going.

  We needed Aqua to stay and take care of Wiz.

  “…Kazuma. I have a vague sense that things may go wrong with Aqua, so I will follow her. Could you take our luggage to the inn, please?” Megumin asked, watching Aqua with a hint of concern as the self-proclaimed goddess drifted away.

  I had to admit, leaving her to her own devices seemed like an invitation for trouble.

  So we left Megumin in charge of watching after Aqua, and the rest of us headed for the inn.

  2

  “Welcome! We heard all about you from the owner. Please, make yourselves at home!”

  We arrived at the place indicated on the coupons to find a warm greeting.

  I still felt a little guilty, given that the caravan had come under attack because of us.

  The ambience was as impressive as you’d expect from a business claiming to be the largest inn in town. Frankly, traveling nobility might stay in a place like this. Given that this was a hot-springs town, I’d been picturing Japanese-style inns, but this reminded me of a Western hotel.

  Apparently, this hotel was home to a bath with some renown even locally.r />
  Employees came out to meet us and took our bags to our rooms without even asking us.

  Once we got Wiz settled in her room, I finally found myself without any heavy items or cargo. And I was eager to do some sightseeing at the first town I’d ever visited outside of Axel.

  We left a message with the staff to let Wiz know when she woke up that we’d gone out. I was a little worried about her, but my sitting there and watching her sleep wouldn’t make her recover any quicker.

  I was told life at this hotel really started in the evening, when more people arrived.

  “What do you want to do, Darkness? Since we’re here, I’m going to kill time wandering around until dinner.”

  “Mm, then I’ll accompany you. I don’t know too many places beyond Axel.”

  She was dressed casually, and she gave me a smile.

  Now that I didn’t have to cart anything around, I decided to take a stroll with Darkness.

  This was a tourist town, and boy, did the merchants here know how to hawk their wares. Were we in a marketplace or a battlefield?

  As we poked around one store, someone suddenly called to us:

  “Sir, madam, if you shop at a junk emporium like that, people will start to wonder if you can even tell good merchandise from bad! I have ‘Arcan buns,’ made by elves from all-natural ingredients. Why not come over here and have a look?”

  I raised my head to see the owner of the voice…

  It was a handsome, pale-skinned man with long ears and green hair.

  Yup: an elf.

  “Shut yer trap! You’re just a highway robber, is what you are! ‘Good merchandise’? Expensive merchandise is more like it! Mister, stay here and try my meat buns, a dwarven specialty! These juicy morsels’ll keep ya full all day—how’s that fer value?!”

  That was the owner of the shop I was currently visiting, shouting first at the elf and then at me.

  He barely came up to my chest, but he was wider around than I was and sported a wild beard.