You Good-for-Nothing Quartet

by Natsume Akatsuki

  Having your confession heard by an actual goddess? What a deal.

  “Kazuma, I’ll go find Megumin. You take care of Aqua.”

  With that, Darkness made to head farther into the building.

  But the moment she drew alongside the lady with the broom, the woman swept the pile of dirt at Darkness.

  Darkness came to a halt, her feet covered in dust and her cheeks bright red.

  “Oh, pardon me! I saw your symbol of Eris and mistook it for garbage. I’m so very sorry.”

  “Not…at…all…,” Darkness replied in a tight voice, trembling as though she was trying to restrain herself. Then she disappeared into the next room.

  The scene further convinced me that I didn’t want anything to do with this particular believer, so I made a beeline for the confession booth.

  I tried the door, but it was locked from the inside.

  I knocked, but there was no answer.

  What was she, asleep?

  With no other option, I went in the other door, the one penitents would normally use. The moment I entered, I heard:

  “Welcome, my lost sheep… Now, tell me your sins. Your goddess will hear them and will surely forgive you…”

  It was Aqua, completely lost in her new role and the atmosphere of the little room.

  Apparently, she had heard a number of confessions already and decided she liked the job.

  There was a partition between us, so I couldn’t see her face, but I was sure she was smiling.

  “I’m not your sheep. It’s me. You know—me! Hey, what the hell is going on in this town? It’s giving me a headache. I can’t even be a normal tourist because of these loons. They’re your followers, so do something about them!”

  Aqua was silent for a moment, then…

  “I see. You cry ‘It’s me! Me!’ because you are a swindler, conning sweet old grandparents by pretending to be a relative in need. I accept your admission of guilt. You should reflect deeply, as deeply as you can, upon your crimes. If you do so, the goddess Aqua, in her infinite compassion, will surely forgive you…”

  “No, you idiot, when I say ‘It’s me,’ I mean it’s me! What are you going on about? You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? You like finally being able to act like a real priest.”

  At that, Aqua fell silent again. “Do you have any other confessions to make? If not, then step out of the booth and gaze to the future with hope…”

  “Hey, drop the act and listen to me already. They worship you in this town, right? You say a few words to the right people, and all this trouble is over. Take some responsibility!”

  Yet again, Aqua went quiet for a moment. “Nothing else to confess? Then I shall be here, waiting for the next of my lost sheep… Now, be on your way.”

  “What are you…? Are you telling me to get out…?”

  “Yes, get out! If you’re done confessing, make room for the next person!”

  This airhead must have decided she liked all the gratitude people showered on her for hearing their confessions.

  Why was she so damn impressionable?

  ………

  I adjusted myself on the chair and, in a deeply penitent tone, said, “…Actually, honored priest, there is something I want to get off my chest here.”

  “?! Tell me, tell me! Now, confess your sins; unburden yourself. Is it your profound interest in your Crusader friend’s laundry? Your irresistible desire to bury your nose in the rich black hair of your spell-caster? The animal lust you feel for your beautiful, noble Arch-priest, despite your being an inept hikikomori?”

  She sounded so pleased with herself.

  I bluntly replied, “I broke the glass my friend the priest loved so much, the one she used to do party tricks. I stuck it back together with rice, sort of.”

  “?!”

  “Oh, and once she was bragging about some terrific wine she had gotten, so I got curious whether it was really as good as she said. I was just going to have a little taste… But it was even better than I expected, and I accidentally drank all of it. So I just replaced it with cheap booze, since I figured she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.”

  “?! What are you talking about? Hey, Kazuma, what do you mean?!”

  But I wasn’t done confessing.

  “And that priest… She just causes me nothing but trouble, so…before we came here, I posted a request for an Eris priest to join our party on the bulletin board at the Adventurers Guild.”

  “Waaaaah! You awful apostate, get ready for some divine retribution!”

  Aqua tore open the little window between us with a clatter and tried to grab me.

  “—Geez, calm down already. I told you, I was joking around. Anyway, Darkness and I couldn’t even go sightseeing because of your crazy followers. Isn’t this your home base? Try to keep a leash on them.”

  I was on Aqua’s side of the confessional, having finally calmed her sobbing.

  “What am I supposed to do about it? Today was the first day I ever met my own followers… And you aren’t really looking for a new priest, are you?”

  “First two things aside, no. No new priest.”

  “Hang on, what did you mean by ‘first two things aside’?”

  …Suddenly, a rap came on the confessional door.

  No way someone had actually come to confess, right?

  Not being a priest, I figured I probably wasn’t supposed to be in here.

  The door opened with a rattle, and someone shuffled in.

  I poked Aqua next to me and indicated first myself and then the floor with my head.

  Can I be here? was what I was trying to communicate, but Aqua assumed a grave expression, laced her fingers together in a praying gesture, and indicated a corner of the room with her eyes.

  I followed her gaze to see a shadow on the wall and immediately recognized the crawling silhouette of Destroyer…!

  Doesn’t this idiot ever understand anything?

  “Welcome, my lost sheep… Now, tell me your sins. Your goddess will hear them and will surely forgive you…”

  No sooner had I made to leave the room than Aqua switched from triumphantly demonstrating her prowess at shadow figures to murmuring to her new penitent.

  Just a second…!

  “Yes… Please! Please listen! I am an Axis disciple who has long venerated Our Lady Aqua! But…! The statues of Eris… Her vast bosom…! It leads me astray! That bust is the bust of the devil! Please… Please forgive the grave sin of being tempted toward another goddess…!”

  Dang. I wanted to go over and thwack this guy for coming to confess the stupidest possible thing.

  But Aqua, with a completely straight face and not a hint of ridicule, said gently, “Be at peace, for you are forgiven. Love voluptuous and meager chests alike. In the Axis Church, all is permitted. Be it homosexual love, or the love of a person for an animal-girl, or a loli girl, or a NEET… As long as it is not an undead or a demon, and so long as no crime is committed, all is acceptable.”

  I noticed Aqua glance in my direction when she got to “or a NEET.”

  “Oh! Ohhh!”

  The penitent seemed to be having paroxysms of gratitude. From the quality of his voice, I’d guess he was crying.

  “O my pious believer. Let me teach you a holy invocation so that you will not be led astray by a devil. ‘Eris’s chest is padded.’ Repeat these words any time you are tempted. And if you know any others facing this same temptation, you may teach them this mantra.”

  “‘Eris’s chest is padded’… I—I feel as though my eyes have been opened! Thank you for this wonderful invocation! You have my gratitude!”

  And still gushing his thanks, the erstwhile sinner went on his way.

  “…Hey, Aqua. Are you really comfortable throwing your junior goddess under the bus like that?”

  “What are you talking about? For deities, the number of believers and the quality of their faith is very important. It’s directly related to our power. I may not have as many follower
s as Eris, but mine are super-duper faithful. I’ll do anything I have to, to help them.”

  G-geez…

  When we left the confessional, we found Darkness, accompanied by a very tired-looking Megumin.

  “Kazuma… You came…”

  “What in the world happened to you? You look terrible.”

  In response, Megumin only shook her head.

  “This is a wicked place. Let us go home quickly—now! I don’t want to stay here another moment.”

  “S-seriously, what happened?” I was keen to know, but Megumin made no effort to reply.

  The number of sign-up sheets bulging in her pocket, though, gave me a good idea.

  “Are you going home, Milady Arch-priest? Won’t you try this church’s famous hot bath first? It’s the best one in town, the very wellspring of the Axis Church. It’s quite restorative…”

  The one female believer who had been holding down the fort here pulled us aside.

  “Huh, that sounds like a good deal,” Aqua said. “How about it, everyone? Want to join me?”

  “I want to go back to the hotel as soon as possible. Go back and rest. And Chomusuke seems frightened here for some reason. Perhaps she dislikes churches?”

  “I can’t say what might happen to me when the rest of the Axis followers get back. I’ll count myself satisfied for today.”

  Thus Megumin and Darkness excused themselves, and then they stared at me, as if to ask what I was going to do.

  “Is it mixed bathing?”

  “If you say such untoward things in this holy place, you risk a punishment from the gods,” the woman informed me.

  So with that, I decided to leave, too.

  5

  Back at the hotel, we found Wiz in much better shape, warm and relaxed.

  “Oh, welcome back, everybody! I’m sorry to have worried you. I went ahead and took a bath. I tried the mixed bath, on the advice of the staff. It’s huge! There was no one there; I had it all to myself.”

  …The mixed bath is huge?

  ………Wait. She’s feeling all warmed up… She went ahead and took a bath…

  So when I was in that stupid confession booth with Aqua, I could have been…

  “And how was your sightseeing? Did you manage to see any…? Mr. Kazuma? Are you all right?”

  “Y-y-y-yikes! Ten more minutes… Or at least five…! I—I mean, I-I’m all right! A-anyway, we didn’t see squat. And I don’t want to leave the hotel tomorrow. This town is weird.”

  “Those Axis followers are scary. Now I understand why they are as feared as the Crimson Magic Clan.”

  As Megumin and I explained wearily, Darkness broke in.

  “M-maybe I’ll go sightseeing again tomorrow…”

  “Y-you’re… You know what, do whatever you want. I’m gonna go take a bath.”

  I stood, exasperated at our Crusader, who appeared to be the only one who liked this town at all.

  I went to my room to undress. As the only guy in a party full of women, I had gotten my own room.

  But before I left, I turned back to everyone one more time.

  “…I’m going to go take a bath.”

  “We heard you the first time. Have fun.”

  “I’ve been in already. Take your time!”

  Thus Megumin and Wiz.

  To Darkness, I said again:

  “…a bath.”

  “Just go already.”

  Her tone couldn’t have been colder.

  Once I had returned to my room and stripped down, I made for the hotel bath.

  I was a bit disappointed to go unaccompanied, but, well, that had always been a long shot.

  Now it was time for today’s main event.

  From right to left there were the men’s bath, the mixed bath, and the women’s bath.

  Without a moment’s hesitation, I marched straight into the middle.

  The changing room had a basket with clothes in it. In other words, someone was already here.

  Okay, calm down. You don’t know for certain that it’s a beautiful young woman waiting in there.

  I tried to steady myself as I stripped down, my heart beating just a little faster than usual. Then I went in.

  I could hear someone talking in the bath.

  “Now that awful sect is done for. Our plot to destroy their precious baths is done. Right now, everything is going to plan at the other places, too. If all goes well, we need only wait. We’re long-lived—what’s ten or twenty years to us?”

  What was this, a manga or a movie or something?

  Whatever it was, that man sure sounded like he was up to no good—

  6

  He’d just said, “That awful sect is done for.”

  I was sure he meant the Axis Church.

  And then he had said, “We’re long-lived—what’s ten or twenty years to us?”

  It was enough to conclude that someone who was not human was plotting to destroy the Axis Church.

  …I am so, so sick of getting caught up in these dangerous situations.

  And another thing. What would really be the harm if the Axis Church did get destroyed?

  I hadn’t been using Ambush, but luckily, the speaker didn’t seem to notice me. I headed back toward the changing room, planning to ignore what I had just heard and get out of there before I got sucked in any further…

  “Hans, you didn’t have to come here just to inform me of that. I keep telling you, I’ve come to recuperate in these very baths. Please don’t involve me in your schemes.”

  I’d been halfway through re-dressing, but at the sound of a woman’s voice, I immediately shucked everything off again.

  “Aww, don’t be like that, Wolbach. We could never get rid of this church with an open attack, and this is a chance to take them out. And I’ll keep coming to make my reports, so you just keep bathing here in this hotel, all right?”

  I wrapped a towel around my waist and strode up to the door, which I flung open with no warning.

  ““?!””

  The noise clearly startled them both.

  A man and a woman were in the bath. The man hadn’t actually entered the water but was crouching on one knee next to the woman, with a towel wrapped around his hips. He was muscular and tall, with close-cropped brown hair, and was now watching me in surprise.

  They must have been the ones making the evil plans.

  But never mind that.

  I was already fixated on the woman in the bath, who was eyeing me with a hint of nervousness.

  She was a little older than me, with short red hair and unusual yellow irises reminiscent of a cat’s. And she was generously endowed. Not bad at all.

  As I stood there unable to tear my gaze away from the woman, the man started to whisper to her.

  “Do you think he heard us…?”

  “I don’t know… But he won’t stop looking at me…”

  Their muted conversation brought me back to myself. I couldn’t stare at the woman just because this was the mixed bath! I entered wearing the most nonchalant facade I could muster and then sauntered over to the washing area to clean myself.

  I started dousing myself in water, feeling their gazes on me.

  …Every once in a while, I couldn’t keep myself from peeking back at the woman.

  That was just the natural behavior of a healthy adolescent male, right?

  “…Do you notice he only looks at me? What could it mean?”

  “…Hrm, well…I suppose he didn’t hear us. He doesn’t look suspicious, just a little interested in you.”

  At that, the woman sank even deeper into the water.

  Why’d he have to go and say that?

  I finished washing and submerged myself in the bath a little ways away from the two of them.

  I hadn’t done anything to feel guilty about. No reason I should be circumspect around them just because I’d overheard them hatching some evil plans. And if I just happened to catch sight of the body of another bather, well, what fault was t
hat of mine?

  So I’d look, and I’d hold my head up high doing it.

  “Hey. H-hey…”

  “I-it’s better than him being suspicious, isn’t it? I’ve got stuff to do—see you!”

  And he rushed out before he was finished speaking.

  …It was only then that I noticed the man’s body was completely dry. Couldn’t he even enjoy a little soak while he was plotting destruction or whatever?

  Or was there some reason he couldn’t get in the bath?

  …Anyway, I was there for my health. Who were these people, and what were they planning? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care.

  Once the man called Hans was gone, the atmosphere in the bath took a turn for the awkward.

  What should I do? I was getting nervous. Even I couldn’t keep eyeing her when it was just the two of us.

  I stretched in the water and let out a deep breath.

  “…Ahem. You don’t appear to be from around here. Are you on vacation?”

  The woman suddenly spoke to me. Maybe she couldn’t stand the strain in the air, either.

  “I guess you could call it that. I just came to heal up in the baths with my friends.”

  She answered with an impressed “Oh,” then continued. “What an interesting coincidence… I’m taking advantage of the curative effects of these waters myself. But you seem so young. What do you hope to heal in the baths? Are you hurt?”

  “Yeah. I know I don’t look it, but I’m an adventurer. We fought a powerful enemy recently, and I ended up taking a serious blow to the head. The stuff of legends, really.”

  She giggled at that and said, somewhat jokingly, “When I fought with my other half, I couldn’t quite steal all my power back. So I’m here relaxing and trying to recover my original strength.”

  “Trying to get back your real power from your other half? There’s a spell-caster in my party who would love to hear that.”

  “Heh-heh! Is she from the Crimson Magic Clan, by any chance? I wonder if the Crimson Magic girl I taught wizardry to is doing well for herself… If I could find my missing half, I wouldn’t have to bother bathing to feel better. Maybe it’s around here somewhere?”