by Heather Anne
"I'm sure. Hey, are you ok?" I reach across the table, grabbing his hand.
"Yeah, I just haven't done this in a long time." I know there is double meaning in his words. I can always tell by his expressive eyes.
"Me neither, but I like it." I give him a soft smile and he relaxes.
We talk about everything and nothing. The conversation is smooth, comfortable, and just comes so easy. I’m not used to having things just flow. I’m used to having to watch my mouth and walk on eggshells. We eat the most succulent clams and oysters I have ever tasted. We share our dishes, mine a fresh seafood salad that could feed a damn army because the portions are so big, and he feeds me bites of his lobster and swordfish. He pays the check and reaches for me to take his hand.
"Thank you so much. That was the best date ever." I smile up at him and he bends down and kisses the shell of my ear.
"It's not over yet, sweet girl."
After leading me down the stairs onto the beach, we walk hand in hand, away from the people mulling around with their drinks, away from the lights, and into a different world where it is just me, him, and the soothing sound of the waves crashing to the shore. The further we walk, the darker it gets; our path lit only by the moon's reflection.
Grayson stops at a little cove looking type of thing where the walls are made up of large rocks and dunes but the ceiling is open. It’s so dark that all you see is the sky. Grayson is quiet as he lays out the blanket that was tucked under his arm. He lays down and I look at him, his massive body barely fitting. He stretches out his arm, motioning for me to join him. I lay down next to him, snuggling my head into the crook of his arm.
I can’t stop staring at the pensive look in his eyes. Placing a soft kiss on my lips, he whispers, "Look up.” When I look up, it's like nothing I have ever seen. So many stars dancing in the night. Some brighter than others, some seem so close yet so far away. I’m speechless at the beauty.
I turn to him. "Keep looking up, you don't want to miss the show." He instructs, pulling me closer to him and I drape my arm around his waist.
"Show?"
"Shhh, sweet girl, just watch." Then all of a sudden a flash of light flies through the sky.
"Oh! A shooting star! Did you see that?" I’m giddy with excitement when I see another flash of light. Followed by another and another.
"It's a meteor shower," he says. "I wanted this night to be memorable and I thought you would like this. You don’t seem like the champagne and roses type of girl. You enjoy the simple beauty in life."
"Thank you. This is the perfect first date."
I lean over, kissing him a little more forcefully than I intended, but this man, he just gets me. He understands me without me even having to say anything.
We snuggle in silence, watching the captivating dance going on above us. The sky is filled with stars falling in all different directions, with subtle flashes of white, orange, and yellow. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. And it's in this moment I know that I have fallen in head over heels, electricity through the veins, no turning back, if it ends it will crush me, kind of love with Grayson Davis.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I am so uncomfortable. Not about laying here watching the stars with Skylar tucked in close to my side. That feels like heaven. I’m showing her a side of me I have kept hidden for so long. That makes me twitchy.
I didn't have a drink with dinner to calm my nerves. I feel like a scared little boy on his first day of school because I don't know how to do this. I don't know if I will ever be able to soften my heart enough to let her completely in.
For the first time, I find myself wanting things I never thought I would again. Thinking about things in more positive ways than I ever have. Needing her in a way I never thought I would with anyone ever again. There are even times she makes me feel almost worthy of those things, even though I know I’m not. I know she wants me to be one hundred percent open with her and because of the fact that I can't, I’m undeserving of her.
This date has been going better than I could have ever imagined. I have never done anything like this, ever. Not even with Lainey, which brings me back to being uncomfortable. It's so hard to crawl even a millimeter out of the shell I have built around myself. As much as I try to be protected, she makes me vulnerable, and as much as I hate it, I like it, too. It feels a bit relieving not to be hiding in plain sight, at least not with her.
I wish I had something to calm my head down. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I am jonesing for something. For that feeling of floating and numbness. To be in that place where nothing exists. Looking down at Skylar, I sigh as I tilt my head to kiss her. She can be that place for me. She is that place for me. In this cove, under the stars, the only thing that matters is us and the only thing I need is her.
I kiss her deep and slow. Kiss her like my life depends on it because I have a feeling that it really does. She pulls back and rolls to her side, propping herself on her elbow and she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. The way her silver eyes sparkle and her hair shines in the moonlight is breathtaking. This girl literally takes my breath away to the point where I don’t give a fuck that I’m being a total pussy right now. I lean back in to kiss her again, because whenever she’s near me, I have to kiss her, touch her. Anything to prove to me that she's real.
I feel her smiling against my lips before she pulls back and lies back down, cuddling close to me. The meteors have stopped their display and the stars are shining bright, uninterrupted.
"It's so pretty out here," she says.
"My mom used to tell me that there are stories in the stars," I say before I even think.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, she would tell me that anything significant that would happen in our lives would be packed away in a shiny box and sent up to the sky so that God can remind us of all the things we have when we are stuck in the loneliness of the night."
She looks at me, her eyes timid. "Will you ever tell me your story, Grayson?"
"I don't know," I answer her honestly.
"Do you think we can make it if you don't?"
"I don't know." I have an uneasy feeling about this conversation so I say the real truth of what's holding me back. "I’m afraid we won't if I do."
She lies on her back to stare at the stars and the few moments of silence are deafening.
"I think that you need to trust me and, with this being so new, I know we aren't there yet but we will be," she says with conviction.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I believe is us, Grayson Davis."
I pull her as close as I can possibly get her to me, without her being on top of me, but she has other plans. She straddles my hips, leans down, and slams her mouth onto mine. Her greedy hands reach the hem on my shirt and she pushes it up, playing with every dip in my abs. My body is on fire, my head foggy, and my cock hard as stone. She consumes me in every way she can under the stars, in our cove, where the past can't get to us, at least for now.
I wake up in my own bed. Alone. I didn't stay with Skylar. She asked, but I just couldn't. I’m not ready for that kind of intimacy, the kind that speaks louder than any voice ever could. The kind that takes everything you think you want and makes it real. I’m not ready for that kind of real. I want to say I will get there, but I don't possess the same kind of optimism as Skylar does.
Last night was one of the best nights I’ve had in such a long time, so why do I feel like something is missing? Why do I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin? I need a fucking drink or to smoke a joint. I need to get the fuck out of my head. Shit. Everything gone. All of it, and now I am left with me, who really isn't the best company.
I get out of bed, grab my phone and cigarettes, and head out the back door, not even bothering to make coffee. I light a smoke, lay back on the chaise lounge, and call my brother.
"What's up asshole?" he answers.
"Well, good morning to you, Landon," I snicker.
"How was l
ast night?"
"It was fun. She's a cool girl."
"Then why do you sound off?"
I take a breath and tell my brother, "I want to get high so fucking bad right now I can taste it.” Just telling on myself brings relief.
"Listen, we’re light today, why don't you take the day go to one of those meetings? You have group tonight, right?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Will you be ok until then?"
"Yeah, I think so. I heard someone say yesterday that there was a daily meeting at noon."
"So do that and call me if you need anything."
I walk into the basement of that same church and a guy about my age comes up to me, introducing himself as Kevin. We talk for a few minutes and I let him know that I haven't used anything in 24 hours. He introduces me to other people around the room. When the meeting starts, someone starts to speak and I feel instant relief. The noise in my head calms down and I know that this is where I’m supposed to be.
When the meeting is over, Kevin offers me his phone number and tells me to call him before I do anything stupid. I appreciate it more than I can say. Not to say my siblings wouldn't do the same, but they don't get it like this virtual stranger does.
I feel better than I have since I dumped all my shit. I admitted to Kevin that I don’t know if I can handle it. That I wasn't even able to stay off the shit while I was in rehab. He asked me if I was married and I said no. I’m not ready to go there with anyone. I told him I have a girl, that it’s new, and that she knows nothing of my addictions.
It felt easy opening up to him and it felt great to talk to someone without feeling like a douche bag or being put down for my weakness, but I wanted to punch him in the face when he told me that maybe I should step away from Skylar for now. That she can become a substitute for the drugs. I get that, I really do, but I can’t walk away from her. Not now, and if I’m being honest with myself, maybe not ever, but I don’t know. Forever is a scary thing and can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. If anyone knows that, it's me. I don't know if I can ever bring myself to trust in a forever again.
I get to Beans about an hour before I’m supposed to meet Sky to walk over to group. I need to see her. I missed her today and she needs to hear that. She was disappointed that I didn't stay, but she needs to know that I’m trying.
I walk into the coffee shop, which is busy as usual. Skylar is standing at a table, her back to me, and Lauren waves from counter. I walk up to Skylar, who jumps as I grab her by the hips and bend down and kiss her cheek.
She laughs and smacks my chest. "You scared the shit out of me."
I shrug and look over to the table and see Luke. He looks worried as fuck.
"What's up with the kid?" I grumble.
"I'll get your coffee and muffin, and if you can talk him off of the ledge," she thumbs in Luke's direction, "it's on the house." She winks at me, insinuating that there will be more than just coffee I will be getting later.
"What’s wrong?" I ask as I pull up a chair and sit down across from Luke. My back is to the door; a position I don't like to be in, but I put my shit aside because this kid looks distraught.
"I don't know if I can do this." His voice starts to break. "Kids are fucking expensive."
I laugh. "From what my sister says, I know."
Luke sighs. "Even with Allyson not telling her parents and not moving out until the end of summer, things are going to be so tight. She's used to a different lifestyle and I can't fucking give it to her. Truth be told, I never will. She's caviar and I'm Kentucky Fried Chicken,” he groans.
"Woah. Where is this coming from? You guys were fine with the plan we came up with the other night. I know Skylar talked to you about a budget. Everything seemed to be headed in a good direction. What changed?"
Luke looks at me with self-loathing all over his face. "I went to go pick up Allyson and it was a disaster. I guess she told her father she wasn't ready to go away to college and he flipped the fuck out. Blamed me. Told her I have nothing to offer her and that she's way too good for me. He said I’m a worthless piece of shit who will probably end up where his brother is." I could see his eyes glass over; my fists clench at my sides.
"Don't fucking listen to that pretentious asshole. You guys are just kids and it's going to take a while to get to where you want to be, but you guys will make it work. You will find a way."
"I want her to be happy and have everything she can possible want. I want our child growing up not wanting for anything, and I can't do that. I’ve always failed at everything. Why would this be any different?"
"Because you don't have a choice, Luke." Skylar comes with coffee and two muffins, placing them on the table. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into my lap.
"I know I speak for Skylar and for my brothers when I say if you need anything - money, diapers, an ear to listen - you come to us."
"Absolutely, and if you guys need someone to go with you when you talk to her parents, I’ll be more than happy to come," Skylar adds.
She leans over, kissing my cheek. "I have to go back to work. See you later?"
I lean in and kiss her lips. "Yes you will."
She saunters off and I turn to Luke, who is smirking.
"Don't." I can’t fight the smile. He tosses his hands up in surrender with a laugh.
"I meant what I said, kid. Anything at all, come to me first. Promise me you won't do anything stupid."
He nods. "I promise."
His phone chimes and he looks at what must be a text message. Nervousness and insecurity cloud his blue eyes for a quick second when he says, “I have to go. See you at group."
"Remember what I said," I warn. Luke nods and takes off out the door.
An hour later, when Skylar and I get to group, we see Luke walk in with Kristy. His eyes meet mine and he looks guilty as fuck. Son of a bitch. He broke his promise.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
When we walk into the counseling center and see Kristy with Luke, I can feel Grayson tense at my side. I don't know much about that skanky bitch, I just have a bad feeling about her. I can’t figure out what her angle is, and for some reason, I suspect it all falls back to Grayson, but I just don't understand it. I get that some girls mistake sexual acts with something more, but from what I gather from brief conversations with Gray, he never even kissed her, let alone fucked her.
She looks over at me with a sinister look on her face that makes my skin crawl. I know she’s up to something but I don't know what. I just hope that Gray was able to steer Luke clear away from her. When we walk into the room, we don't hold hands and make a show of it. It's ok for us to date, but we don't want to flaunt it or make anyone uncomfortable. It's one thing if we would have come in here as a couple, but it's an entirely different thing that we got together because of this group. Not that I regret it, because I don't. I don't have many regrets when it comes to Grayson, well not really. My only regret is that he hasn't opened up to me as much I would have liked.
I know our date was a breakthrough of sorts. He proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he I’s willing to try. I cannot lie and say that the fact that he doesn’t know if he will ever tell me what happened to him doesn't scare me. It terrifies me deep in my core. When he opens his mouth in group, it's not very often and it has been mostly about his parents, though his eyes say the reason he’s here has nothing to do with them at all. Something else happened to him. Something deeper. Something heart crushing, and I can't help but wonder if he even has a whole heart left.
The Grayson I first met is not the same guy he’s been the last few days. He’s changing. I’m not sure what to think about it. The way he has been seems a little out of character for him. He just seems off, almost uncomfortable and I wonder if maybe he didn't mean what he said the other night at the bar. Then my mind wanders to last night, lying under the stars with him, the things he said, and I refuse to believe he doesn't want this. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would stay in a s
ituation just because leaving would hurt someone else. He still has a bit of asshole in him and, I have to admit, that part has grown on me.
Once we take our seats, Trevor nods at me and I nod back.
"Ok everyone, before we start, I need to address something with you guys. I regret to inform you that due to statewide budget cuts, we have lost a significant amount of our funding and the town is looking to shut us down."
Murmurs and outburst are heard around the room. Trevor tries to calm everyone down with no luck. I cover my ears when I hear a shrill whistle coming from right next to me and Grayson’s voice booming loud and deep. "Will you all shut the fuck up and let him finish!"
The room goes silent at Grayson's command. He is a force to be reckoned with.
"Thanks." Trevor continues, "I did some research. It looks like we don't qualify for any grants but there is one more option. I have a buyer for the building. It’s a non-profit which will turn this place into a full blown community center with sports programs, a food pantry, counselling for anything imaginable, possibly a health clinic, and an affordable day care."
"So, how do we make that happen?" Susan, a woman who lost her sister a few months earlier, asks.
"Well, it's an advantage because non-profits help lower the town's taxes, it will help the people of the community way more than we are now, and it will generate more jobs. Plus, what the buyer is offering is double what this place is actually valued at."
“Who is the buyer?" Mr. Jenkins asks.
"The buyer wants to be anonymous."
"Ok, so what do you need from us?" This comes from Grayson, which shocks me.
"The town council meeting is in two days and Sanders is being a dick," Trevor starts and his face flushes at his outburst
"What else is new?” Luke mumbles, turning to Grayson whispering, “I told you Allyson’s father was a dick.” Grayson grunts in agreement.
"We need bodies. Since town votes go by majority, we need as many people as we can get to show up and vote for the sale of the building to the anonymous buyer. I want to stress that you do not have to come. If you don't feel comfortable, then don't show up. I know how important your privacy is so I totally get it."