by Madrid, Liz
It was how she’d become a celebrity of sorts, Riley mused. Paige was all about connecting with people, with her bright blue eyes, wide-open smile and a desire to turn the spotlight on others after she’d basked in it first herself. Much as Riley loved her sister, she had to admit she was envious of Paige’s confidence. It was something that came naturally to her, and as she’d grown older Paige seemed to be blessed with even more of it. Being a former model had given her the carriage to walk into a place and command attention immediately. It didn’t hurt that she was the center of Clint’s world and the mother of his three beautiful sons either.
But family was family — except for her father, who never really cared for Riley, and had blamed her for causing Millie’s multiple sclerosis, even when Riley had nothing to do with it. And when the fire gutted their old apartment, leaving Riley and her mother in ICU from smoke inhalation, Sid Eames’ hatred of Riley only intensified when Millie died from complications. As far as family was concerned, Paige was really all Riley had now.
Her phone beeped, notifying her that she’d received a text message. Riley stopped in front of a store window decorated with a Thanksgiving theme and pulled out her phone from her back pocket.
It was Ashe. He’d texted a picture of himself lying in bed next to an empty pillow. Over the pillow, he had added the sign ‘YOU ARE HERE’ and inserted the words ‘SUPPOSED TO BE’ between ‘are’ and ‘here’.
Riley typed, Is that your way of telling me you miss me?
Yes. Terribly. But that was from last night. I fell asleep before I could send it to you. I miss you, luv.
I miss you, too. Should I send a naked picture of myself so you can edit it in next to you? Riley texted back.
Just your smile will do. We’ll work on the naked part when I get back tomorrow.
So she sent him a picture of her smiling in front of the Thanksgiving decorations.
Beautiful, he texted back. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. BTW there might be a surprise. Just giving you fair warning.
By the time Riley arrived at the Caldwell brownstone, she might as well have been walking on air. Ashe always made her feel good about herself, and she wondered if that was because she was in love with him. If she wasn’t, she could consider herself crazy.
As Riley closed the front door behind her, slipping her keys back in her purse, she heard the sound of music coming from Paige’s office downstairs. While Clint had his study on the second floor, across from the master bedroom, and the triplets had their bedroom on the third floor, Paige had chosen to have her office in the English basement, or what she preferred to call her garden apartment, a floor that was partially below and above ground level. With its own private entrance, it was a cozy studio apartment on its own.
Riley had thought once or twice that she wouldn’t have minded living down there, except for the fact that she’d have had no privacy with the triplets around. No, she much preferred her little studio apartment. At least at her apartment, no matter how tiny it was, she could read her books in silence whenever she wanted to.
As Riley made her way down the steps, she thought she heard voices — Paige’s and someone else’s. But then, if Paige did have company, then Riley would just spend the rest of the afternoon checking out a few vintage shops. Maybe she’d find a record for Ashe, maybe one that he didn’t have yet, she thought as she pushed the door to Paige’s office open.
She should have knocked, instead of just opening the door, Riley thought then. But if she hadn’t done so, wouldn’t it just have left her in ignorance, asking the questions she’d asked for years and not getting any clear answers?
Riley stared at them for a moment, too shocked to say anything, before turning around and running back up the stairs, ignoring the sound of her name being called, the panic of bodies being hurriedly clothed even though Riley knew she’d be out the door long before one of them could even be decently covered to catch up with her. But it didn’t change what Riley saw. She knew what she’d heard him say to Paige just as she opened that door. Then she remembered how his face had paled when she told him how Paige hated him. Had it all been an act all this time? The hatred?
Then Riley wondered then why she never saw it before.
24
Radioactive
Gareth caught up with Riley when she was three blocks away, in front of a gray wall that was the ground floor of a high-rise apartment. She was wiping the tears from her eyes, not realizing he was in front of her until it was too late to avoid crashing into him. She would have tripped, too, were it not for his hands gripping her upper arms to steady her.
Then it hit her, how so long ago, Gareth had been the one to steady her when her life felt so uncertain. He had always been there for her, the ten-year old boy who never complained — while all her seven-year old self did then was complain. Paige has a doll she won’t let me play with. Paige has a book she won’t let me draw on. Paige this. Paige that.
She could rationalize now that she’d only been seven then, her mother’s little princess, the girl who loved the free rides on her mother’s motorized wheelchair imagining it was her royal steed, while Gareth had been no one’s prince — at least other than her own — who had to creep into their apartment after every one of his father’s drunken binges sporting a new bruise, a different sprain, a busted lip. And once, a broken arm.
If Gareth never complained, it was only because he had no room for complaints. He could only make room for the positive things, like hope. One day we’ll make it of here, Ri, you and me, he told her one day as they sat inside the makeshift fort they’d made of the lower bunk. I’ll be your knight in shining armor. Would you like that?
Of course I’ll like that, you doofus! She’d laugh. You already are my knight in shining armor!
I promise I’ll always keep you safe.
She’d play with her second-hand dolls with their hair already frizzy or chopped up, or worse, bald, but at least they still had their smiles, while Gareth played with a handheld video game player that Paige had given him as a birthday present when he turned 11. Then three months later, his mother found it and pawned it. It broke his heart but no one would ever know it. When Paige found out, she bought him a new one and this time, he left it in Riley’s room, on the top bunk bed, underneath the pillow that was his, where he’d play the games late into the night, escaping into his own hopeful world as she slept in the lower bunk, oblivious.
Still, she was mad as hell, and not even the memories from the past they’d shared before he gave Riley her first romantic kiss could wipe out what she’d seen in Paige’s garden office. It was three years since she’d last been with Gareth but it still stung. It hurt. It burned.
What she saw was bad enough, Gareth and Paige lying on the daybed in the far corner of the room. But it was what she’d heard him say that really got to her. How could he say to Paige the same three words he used to whisper to her? I love you.
What the hell, Gareth? She wanted to scream at him. What do you mean, you love her? How long have you loved her? How long has this been going on?
Riley wanted to pummel him. She wanted to punch him and break his nose and destroy his face and, while she was at it, kick him in the balls and make sure he never again had the use of his dick.
She had so many ideas on how to make him suffer — just as many ideas on how to make Paige suffer. But the mere thought of her sister conjured up the faces of her nephews. No matter how angry she was at Paige, how could she allow her rage to spill over onto those three boys? How could she punish Paige without punishing them?
It was so unfair. Why did Paige have to get everything she wanted? She had beauty, confidence, a modeling career, a filthy-rich husband and the perfect family. As if that wasn’t enough, she even had Riley’s ex-boyfriend.
She shouldn’t be upset, Riley thought. It had been three years since she’d been with Gareth – why was she so upset? Still, of all the women he could have chosen to be with, why her sister?
It
was a royal mess, Riley thought then, so she did the only thing she could do in such a public setting. She slapped him. Twice.
Of course, she wanted to do much worse things to him. But did she really expect to be able to break his nose, destroy his face and kick his balls without being filmed by every wannabe videographer with a smart phone now standing around them? How soon before they’d post it all over the Internet? Could she really beat the crap out of America’s heartthrob and expect leniency in the eyes of the public? She’d already been called a skank by his fans — and Ashe’s fans, too. What would they call her now? And if they found out where she worked, would they end up giving it 1-star reviews, too?
Riley couldn’t understand the trajectory of her thinking right then, it was all over the place, so slapping him was the best thing she could think of to do. Shouting at him was the next.
“HOW COULD YOU?”
She had other questions, too, but she couldn’t get them out, and now a crowd of people had stopped in their tracks to watch them. How long had this been going on? Was it actually Paige who had kicked her out of her own apartment and given her $20,000 to start a new life somewhere else? If so, what did she expect to accomplish by doing that? Did Paige really expect to have Gareth for herself? What about Clint? What about the triplets? What the hell was going on?
This time, all the rage bottled up inside her exploded and she no longer cared if cameras everywhere witnessed her pummeling the hell out of America’s heartthrob. As far as she was concerned, the only thing that throbbed was in his pants and it had just been throbbing where it shouldn’t.
Riley lunged at Gareth, ready to beat the crap out of him, but he was too strong and too quick for her. He caught her wrists and held them, but when she kicked him on the shin he let her go. Then he put his hands up along his sides, fingers splayed apart, as if to say, I’ve had it with you.
“Why?” Riley asked. “You could have any girl you want. Why Paige?”
“I went to see her because I thought she might have been the one who kicked you out of the apartment and left you that money,” Gareth said, keeping his voice low enough for only Riley to hear. Most people kept walking and steered clear of them, but a few had stopped to stare.
“Oh, really? Is screwing her part of your interrogation process? Is that it?”
“Whatever you think you saw, it’s done, and neither you nor anyone else can undo it,” he said through gritted teeth as he drew closer.
“What do you mean, whatever you think you saw?” Riley exclaimed. “I know what I saw, Gareth, and you’re right. There’s nothing anyone can do now that it’s done. But what do you think Clint would do if he knew?”
A pained expression crossed his face, catching Riley off-guard. Gareth had actually turned pale. “Is that what you want, Riley, for Clint to know what happened? Will you be the one to tell him?”
The question took Riley by surprise. She stammered as she shook her head. “No! That’s between Paige and Clint.”
“Exactly,” he said. “If you really want to hurt your sister, then go ahead and tell Clint, but I want you to think long and hard before you do it.”
Riley stared at him. How had the focus of this betrayal ended up on her? Questions swirled inside her head again as the sight of Gareth and Paige came back to her mind.
“You were seeing her all that time we were together, weren’t you?” She asked, the sound of his declaration of love echoing in her ears.
Gareth shook his head. “That’s not true, Ri.”
“Not true, my ass! You don’t tell someone you love them over one afternoon delight, Gareth,” Riley said. “At least be honest for once and tell me the truth. How long has this been going on?”
He sighed, looked around to check on their privacy and drew closer to her. In a low voice, he told her, “It happened just once when you and I were together.”
“When we were together?” She stared at him. “When?”
“Five years ago. It was a — ” he began, leaving the sentence unfinished. Riley could have sworn he was about to say mistake before stopping himself.
“It was a what?”
“It just happened,” he replied, looking her in the eye this time. Gareth had always had the greenest eyes, with flecks of light brown and gold. “And it never happened again, Riley, not while we were together, nor after I left New York. I swear it.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that after that one time, this is only the second time it’s happened between you two?”
It really shouldn’t bother her anymore, not when Gareth had been gone from her life for the last three years. But to have slept with Paige – her perfect sister who already had everything — was simply too much to stomach. That it had happened while she and Gareth had been together only made it worse.
“Believe whatever you want, Riley. Just don’t blame her,” Gareth said. “This is all my fault.”
“Your fault?” Riley stared at Gareth. Was he really defending Paige, of all people? Paige, who hated the sight of him, when it was all an act?
“I started it then, and I started it now,” Gareth said. “I’m responsible. Just don’t punish her for something I did. She’s done so much for you. She loves you.”
“Yeah, right,” Riley scoffed. “What she’s done is try to run my life the way she wants me to live it, and all this time both of you were having an affair.”
“I said that it happened only once, Riley,” Gareth said slowly through gritted teeth and Riley felt anger rising from him, the impatience he often felt when she was too stubborn to see things his way. “Now, if you don’t want to believe that, I can’t make you. But if only one thing gets through to you today, let it be this. I went to see Paige because I thought she was the one who kicked you out of our apartment and gave you all that money that ended up turning you into a fucking drug addict.”
He exhaled. “I may have done many stupid things — and I have — but I would never kick you out of our apartment or pay you off like that. And neither would your sister.”
As she listened to him, Riley marveled at the change that had come over him. Gone was the outgoing Gareth, the man who had kissed her twice in public so carelessly, the one with the easy smile that exposed a wide row of perfect teeth. His green eyes flashed angrily at her, serious now. There was no more humor, no more teasing. She knew that if he happened to say, that’s my girl, the way he had when he’d ordered that Nutella espresso, it was just that, a saying — because she was no longer his girl.
“Do you really expect me to buy another one of your lies?” Riley asked. “Do you think I’m that stupid?”
“Hey, Gareth, is that your new girl?” someone asked from the crowd that had gathered in front of them but Gareth didn’t even turn his head, his gaze still on Riley. This time, Riley saw his body let go, as if in surrender. His shoulders sagged as he shook his head.
“Believe what you want to believe, Riley. I’m done with this conversation,” he said. “There’s more to this than you’ll ever know, but I hope one day you’ll learn to forgive me. And Paige, most of all. Fuck, even if it’s just Paige you’ll forgive, that will be fine with me.”
And just like that Gareth turned away from her and was gone, blending into the crowd that had parted to make way for him, their smart phones trained after him, still recording. As she watched Gareth’s tall frame turn the corner, Riley couldn’t get over the one thing that hadn’t happened during their conversation.
Not once had Gareth apologized.
25
Hollow
Sammi was one of those friends who was perfect to be around with at the worst possible times, and sometimes, even the best of times. He was there for you when you needed someone to make you feel better, or feel good about yourself, even if only for a few hours. He knew exactly what you needed, told you what you wanted to hear and was always there for you whenever you needed him.
But Sammi wasn’t exactly a friend, though he considered you as one, especially
when you had something he wanted. He simply sold drugs. The appearance of friendship was just part of the business for some of his customers, if not all of them. It encouraged trust, making his customers believe that what he was selling them was prime stuff, the best. And it had always been the best. Why else did Riley get addicted to his stuff over every other dealer’s in the Upper West Side?
Riley knew all this before she’d started buying from Sammi three years ago because Gareth had to do some research for a role as a drug dealer and Sammi had let him in on his secrets. By the time Gareth left her, she knew where to find Sammi on her own, and when she did, she had the money to burn and nothing to burn it with.
And now, two years after she’d almost died from her overdose, with the needle still in her arm, Riley found herself standing in front of his apartment building. It was late afternoon and the only thing Riley wanted to do was drown her emotions, to un-see what she’d seen in Paige’s garden office and un-hear Gareth’s words. She didn’t care if she had to go back to heroin. Maybe just a little to take the edge off, help her go through the rest of her day. Surely Sammi would help her there, she thought, if only to escape from the feelings that filled her now.
Riley wished she could start the whole day again, or at least that part where she thought going over to Paige’s house was the best way to spend an afternoon, where they’d chat about life over glasses of white wine and wait till the triplets returned home from preschool. Then they’d all pile on top of her and she’d tickle them one by one. She’d start off with Thomas before moving to Trey, and all the while Trevor would scream, ‘my turn! My turn!’ and squeal with unbridled glee when Riley finally got to him.
Maybe they’d ask her to help them build a boat out of all the throw pillows they could find, shaped into an oval on the rug. Paige would lay a large blanket over their intricate arrangement so that Riley and the triplets could pile into it, pretending it was their boat and that they were adrift in the ocean. Trevor and Thomas would go fishing, and Trey would snuggle up next to Riley.