by Madrid, Liz
Only he never did. At least, not for her, Riley thought then, remembering the words he’d said to Paige when she caught them together. I love you.
“I have to protect my family, Riley,” Clint was saying, dragging her thoughts back to the present. “I have to protect my children.”
“They’re not yours,” Riley said.
“And that’s where you’re wrong,” Clint said, and this time, his face turned cold again. “They’re my children, and no one can tell me otherwise.”
“So you thought that getting Gareth and I to LA would solve your problems? Was Paige in on this?”
“Of course not,” Clint replied. “All I wanted was for everyone to be happy. Gareth in Hollywood doing what he loved and you with him, because you loved him. And my family here, with no Gareth to pop in at the park watching them. How do you think that makes me feel, Riley? Not knowing what Gareth was going to do — if he was planning on claiming them for his own, or whatever he would have done. Do you have any idea what such a revelation would do to the children’s lives? They’re Caldwell’s, and they can’t be anything else. I had to do something. For the boys.”
“So you figured kicking me out of my apartment after I got back from LA with no intention of going back there — and then paying me off — would do the trick?” Riley exclaimed. “If you really wanted me out, then why the hell did you help me become partners with Allen at the cafe and then help me get my apartment? Why am I still here?”
“After you almost overdosed, I had no other choice but to do whatever it took to take care of you — anything — even if it meant keeping you here. I couldn’t handle seeing Paige fall apart again, not over you overdosing over a boy,” Clint said angrily. “At least with Gareth, he was smart enough, hungry enough, to do what needed to be done after he got his first big break. As long as he was happy and away from New York, I was happy.”
“And the money? What was that for?”
“Collette was supposed to convince you to fly back to LA with her. She was supposed to help you move out of the apartment, put stuff in storage and fly with you back to LA. I paid her enough money to do that.”
Riley scoffed. Clint had suddenly turned cheap. “And you thought $20,000 was enough-”
“Try $100,000,” Clint said angrily. “If Gareth hadn’t come in here two weeks ago, accusing Paige of kicking you out of the apartment and leaving you only $20,000, I would never have known what Collette had done. She pocketed the rest, and now claims that it was her fee for all her trouble. Gareth’s Fast Track to Fame 101.”
Clint raked his hand through his hair. “All I wanted was for Paige and I to raise the kids in peace, Riley, not to have to keep looking over our shoulders.”
They stood opposite each other not speaking for a few minutes. The only sound Riley heard was the ticking of the grandfather clock in the foyer, and she wondered if maybe that was the beating of her own heart, like a time bomb about to explode. She was numb, her vision distant, as if a part of her had risen from her body and hovered just above her head, where it felt safest.
Still, Riley couldn’t let herself get away so easily. She still needed to be strong, grounded. At least for herself.
“Then maybe it’s best that I don’t see the boys at all,” Riley said slowly. “Maybe one day they’ll understand why I can’t be in their lives anymore. And why, if I did, it would all be a lie. And I’d just be party to another one of your lies.”
She sighed. “But I’m done lying, Clint. I’m done living in this dream world you’ve created for me with all your money, all because you wanted to shelter yourself from the truth — and that’s what you’re really afraid of, isn’t it? The truth of your own mortality and your own limitations. So you put me in a cage — packaged me in my own apartment, set me up to own half of my own business, treat me like I’m your little pet project who’ll do whatever you want me to do, all because you want to keep what isn’t really yours. Those kids. Don’t you think that they deserve to learn the truth one day? What then are you going to tell them?”
“I’m going to tell them that the truth,” Clint said through gritted teeth. “That they’re my children.”
“Then keep telling yourself that, Clint, and maybe it’ll all come true. Because if you had to do all this — paying everyone off behind their backs all these years — then you know very well that they aren’t yours, and never will be,” Riley said. “Money can’t buy everything, you know. Not even a clean conscience.”
Riley didn’t wait for Clint to say anything back to her. She only wanted to get out of there, and get some fresh air. Some battles were simply not worth fighting to the death, and Clint, Riley knew, was not one to ever back down. She also knew she had to leave before the children saw her, for she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to them. She wasn’t ready to tell them the truth that she was too angry to see them.
Riley gathered her purse and headed out the door, running down the steps but stopped when she heard a child call her name.
Aunt Riley?
Then one voice turned to three.
31
Out Of Her Shadow
“Riley, what are you doing here?” Paige asked as she approached, surprised. She was dressed in a T-shirt under a leather jacket with fitted jeans and boots, and she was holding three yellow balloons and party favors. The triplets had abandoned her side and were now surrounding Riley. Priscilla, the nanny, followed close behind and Paige asked her to bring the balloons and party favors inside the house.
Aunt Riley, you’re back! Are you staying? Can you read us a story like you did that last time? Where is Ashe? Did you go away? How come you didn’t call us back? I made you a picture!
“Can I talk to your mother for a few minutes?” Riley asked the boys who were trying to outdo one another in catching her attention. In addition to all their questions, they wanted to show her their latest toys. Trey was carrying a plastic version of Thor’s hammer while Trevor, judging from the stuffed toy he clutched against his chest, was apparently into Snoopy as the flying ace. Thomas simply kept embracing Riley, crying and refusing to let go, telling her how much he’d missed her and asking why she never called them back or answered their calls.
“You promise not to leave yet?” Thomas pleaded when Riley asked them again to go upstairs for a few minutes while she talked to Paige. “I have something to show you.”
“Yes, Aunt Riley,” Trey said. “Promise? It’s been forever!”
Riley nodded guiltily. She knew that children shouldn’t have to pay for their parents’ mistakes. She’d seen her fair share of it herself when their mother had died in the fire and her father had laid the blame on her. She didn’t want the triplets to pay the same price, but what other choice did she have at the moment? She told herself that needed space. She told herself that she needed to sort things out alone. But she’d been sorting nothing for two weeks, and all that time, the triplets waited, not realizing that something was wrong.
“I’ll talk to you before I go,” she said. “I promise.”
“Cross your heart?” Thomas asked, his green eyes wide and trusting, and Riley stared at him for a few seconds. He had Gareth’s eyes. They all had Gareth’s eyes.
Riley nodded, fighting back tears. “Cross my heart. Now go upstairs and Mommy will call you so you can come down to see me before I go.”
They watched the boys go upstairs, Priscilla waiting for them at the door to let them in.
“What are you doing here?” Paige asked again. “Did you come to see me? I sure hope so, because I’d really like to talk to you.”
“I came to see Clint. We thought I could arrange to see the boys without you,” Riley said, sighing. “But it turned out to be a big mistake. I can’t do it. I’ll have to work out something else.”
Paige looked stricken. She looked up at the front door, glancing at the windows as if searching for a face, before turning back to face Riley.
“What the hell did he tell you?” she demanded, her eyes growin
g wide. “It wasn’t his place to tell you anything.”
“He told me everything you should have been the one to tell me in the first place.”
Paige brought her hand to her lips, her face turning pale.
“He had no right to do that,” she whispered.
“You could have told me five years ago what you and Gareth did,” said Riley. “Four years ago? Three years ago? You had all that time to tell me, and you never did.”
Paige’s gaze fell, her shoulders slumping forward in a manner so unlike the supermodel whom Riley had looked up to for so long. Riley saw that she had gray circles under her eyes and that, no matter how well she had applied her make-up, anyone could tell she hadn’t been sleeping well. B
“I don’t know how you can do it, Paige, living like you and Clint do, knowing what you’ve done to your baby sister,” Riley said. “But as long as it makes you happy, I guess you think it’s all right.”
“It’s not all right. It never was,” Paige whispered. “I’m sorry, Riley. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I wanted to tell you so badly, but you were so torn up over Gareth’s leaving, even years later. When you overdosed, I realized that I could never tell you. I didn’t want to lose you — and I don’t want to lose you. I know I should have told you, I really should have. You mean the world to me, you know that.”
“If I meant the world to you, you would never have slept with Gareth in the first place,” Riley said, continuing before Paige could interrupt. “But I get it now. I see why Gareth needed to get away from New York three years ago, and why he wanted me with him, too, before things went wrong and Clint got his hands into everything.”
“What has Clint done?” Paige asked.
“Just what he does best,” Riley said, shrugging. “Protecting his assets, real and imagined. He was only doing what he thought was right — but right only for him and his family. But that’s Clint for you though, always working behind the scenes-”
“Oh, my God,” Paige whispered, realization dawning on her. “He was the one who left you the money!”
“It doesn’t matter now who did what,” Riley said, not wanting to talk about it all over again. She’d talked enough for one day. “I’ve always looked up to you, Paige, and in some sick way, even after everything that’s happened, I think I always will. Only because I’ll always wonder how you manage to keep it all together. How you manage to keep this lie you live in all together.”
“Because it’s not a lie, Riley. And however you see it, I have to do it for the boys,” Paige whispered. “I can’t let them know anything else except that they’re Caldwell’s. Maybe one day they’ll find out, but for now, I can’t. I hope you understand that. I love them more than you will ever know.”
“I know you do,” Riley said, searching Paige’s face. “Do you love him?”
“Of course I do,” Paige said. “I’ve always loved him and I will always love him, no matter how hard he can seem to others. He loves his family more than anything, and I’m sorry he — we — hurt you, Riley. I really am.”
Suddenly Riley stepped forward and hugged her, feeling Paige stiffen in her arms before sobs wracked her sister’s body. Riley was as surprised as Paige doing what she did. She never expected to be the one to make the first move but somehow it didn’t matter who made what move first. Riley had no idea what the hell she was doing, but one thing that she did know was that she still loved Paige, no matter what happened between them. She was family, and as Paige always reminded her, family always stuck together.
“Take care of the boys, Thomas most of all. He’s quite sensitive,” Riley said quietly as she stepped away, hoping her tears would not fall. “Probably something he got from me. You know, me being too emotional and all.”
“Aunt Riley, are you done yet?” Thomas called out from the top of the stairs. He was holding something Riley recognized was something he’d made at preschool, a folded piece of construction paper with his name scrawled at the top in glitter glue, and next to it, in capital letters. I LOVE AUNT RILEY.
Riley fought back the tears as she nodded. She wished this wasn’t happening, that it was all happening too fast and she couldn’t understand how to deal with the emotions hitting her all at the same time. But she needed to run as far away from them, if only to escape from the emotions that overwhelmed her.
“I’m done talking with your mother, Thomas. Why don’t you guys come down and say goodbye to your Aunt Riley? I’m going away for a little bit but I want my extra long hugs before I go.”
When will you be back? Did I do something wrong? Can you still stay and read us a story — just one? Will you put up my drawing on your wall? It’s a drawing of me, Aunt Riley. Where are you going?
“Riley, please don’t do this,” Paige said, reaching for Riley, but Riley held her hand up.
“I need to do this for me, Paige. So for once, please don’t tell me what to do.”
32
Moving On
Riley couldn’t remember when she had last stopped by the old house in Jackson Heights. After the apartment fire, their father had refused to move into another apartment or house that had a second floor. And so with Paige’s first big paycheck working as a catalog model, she put a down payment on a small 3-bedroom, 2-bath house with a small front lawn and even smaller backyard. Forget that it wasn’t in the greatest neighborhood, it was theirs, and after a few years, it was paid for.
As Riley walked the three blocks from the subway station, she didn’t know what she was doing in the old neighborhood, though she knew she needed closure before she could move on. So why not another round of pain, she thought, laughing at the thought of what she was really doing — facing the man who’d probably shaped her more than any man ever did. That was why she hugged Paige when she should have slapped her sister, right? Because she was just a pathetic mess.
How ironic, she thought. She should be happy, almost gloating that she was able to speak to Paige and not be reduced to a puddle of tears at her sister’s feet. She should be celebrating over whiskey sours back in the city. Instead, here she was walking towards the house where she’d been told she was nothing over and over again. And she was miserable.
Before getting on the R train to Jackson Heights, she’d texted Ashe and told him that her talk with Clint had turned out “OK” and that she was alright. She just needed to be alone for a while.
I’ll be right here, he had texted back. Please remember that you’re not alone.
Riley found herself wondering what she’d done to deserve someone like Ashe – if she even deserved someone like him. Just like she had told him in Atlantic City, she often wondered when everything would come crashing down, when the dream would end and she’d wake up all alone again, with only Miss Bailey for company, and her mother’s old books that still smelled of smoke from over ten years ago.
Still, she’d managed to push such thoughts away. And the last two weeks with him were the happiest two weeks of her life. It was all about revelation, mostly about him simply because she insisted on knowing everything about him, that way, she wouldn’t be able to talk about herself, Paige, or how much she missed the triplets. He was a country boy at heart and she loved that. It seemed to complement her city-ness, and she couldn’t wait to see where he grew up and ride one of the two horses that he owned, stabled in the old farmhouse where his family still lived. Just modernized, that’s all, but mum and dad love the view.
They prepared dinner together on cold nights when he wasn’t up to being out and having people surreptitiously take pictures of them with their camera phones. Some nights they simply played his old records and twice, she convinced him to rehearse a screenplay with her, watching him get into the zone and emote for her. Most nights and early mornings before the sun rose, she made love to him, wanting to memorize every line on his face, every muscle on his torso that tensed when her hand or her mouth would drift lower and hear her name spoken on his lips. She loved how he would turn the tables on her, shifting their roles wit
h him taking control of her and her body, her mind and her heart, leaving her begging for him to fill her, complete her.
She could live forever with Ashe just like that. Yet Riley couldn’t live feeling hollow inside, only feeling complete with him there with her, as if his presence filled the shadow that she was. For that’s what she had always felt ever since her mother died — a shadow.
A shadow her father found solace in blaming his wife’s death on, the same shadow her sister tried her best to protect from everything else — even from the truth.
There was a light in the front of the house when Riley pushed open the wire and metal fence, noting that at least the grass was clipped short and on the outside, the property looked decent. Paige hired some local company to make sure the outside looked presentable, just as she took care of the property taxes long after she paid for the house in full before she married Clint. Riley took care of the utilities.
Her father was sitting in front of the television set, still the old style tube TV that needed a converter to show the local channels. He glanced at her briefly as she walked in but turned his attention back to whatever he was watching. A can of beer in one hand, the remote in the other. He was wearing a white short sleeve undershirt and pajama bottoms, his feet in slippers that revealed unclipped toenails. Riley wondered if Paige would need to hire someone to take him to the podiatrist, too.
“Hi, Dad,” Riley said, closing the door behind her.
“What are you doing here?”
“Just wanted to see you. Maybe talk to you,” Riley said as she stood next to the TV, hoping he would look at her. He’d stopped looking at Riley since after his wife died, since the doctors who assured him that Millie was strong and would make it, died anyway when an errant blood clot decided to park itself inside her lung and stay awhile. Sure, he’d look at her, Riley thought, but he never saw her.
“Alright,” he said, just before belching. “Then talk.”