I exhaled deeply. “I’m afraid, you know...”
“Why are you afraid?”
“Today...at home...I was afraid to be alone,” I said, remembering. “I was starting to get physically ill...I don’t know how to be...to just be...Tony tells me sometimes that I never really got the chance to grow up...that I’m still this lost little teenage girl that can’t even stand on my own two feet...and it scares me. Because I think it’s the truth.”
He shook his head at that though. “Nah...” He stubbed the roach out in the ashtray in front of us and then glanced back over at me. “You just been standing on all fours...” He ran his hand down my arm tenderly. “You gonna find it’s a lot easier to stand on two...believe me.”
Ω
We lay down together on his bed. He kissed my forehead so tenderly. We were both still fully clothed, and the rain was pouring down hard against his bedroom window.
“You should stay here with me tonight.” His voice was so soothing and deep.
I nodded slowly. “I think you’re right.”
His hand ran up under my t-shirt, stroking my belly and moving up higher, caressing my breasts.
I looked over at him as all my senses started to heat up under his touch. “Maybe this is a terrible time to ask you this...”
He raised his eyebrows. “Shit. That’s never a good sign.”
“I know...but it’s just something I can’t stop thinking about.”
He bent his elbow and propped his head up on his hand. “Okay. Then ask me.”
I took a deep breath. “Why did you cheat on her?” I paused. “Your ex.”
I could tell it was the last thing he expected me to ask him. It was written all over his face. And I immediately regretted it.
“Damn, baby...” He let his breath out.
I couldn’t help smiling. He was just too adorable sometimes. “I’m sorry.” I leaned over and kissed his chin. “Forget it. You don’t have to tell me.”
He stretched his arm out and pulled me close then, pressing my head down against his chest. “Okay, thank you.” He kissed the top of my head tenderly, the relief in his voice far too obvious.
I laughed at that. I ran my palm across his flat belly. “Come on...seriously though...I wanna know.”
“Seriously,” he repeated, letting out a deep sigh. “Well, I think I was tryin’ to sabotage myself, that’s why.”
I waited. I was still lost. “How?” I wanted to know. “And why?”
He thought for a moment. “I never really knew it at the time but I think now that maybe my subconscious was tryin’ to tell me I needed out.”
I lifted my head to look at him. “I thought you said you were so happy.”
He met my eyes. “No,” he said softly. “I told you I was in love.”
“Oh.” I thought about that for a minute.
Ben pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Have you ever been in love?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I think I thought I was once but...I don’t think so. Not now.”
Ben didn’t say anything right away, and then just sighed. “Love is fucked up, Gabriela. ‘Cause it don’t always make you happy, and happiness don’t always make you fall in love,” he told me. “That’s why choosing between the two is almost impossible sometimes...so I guess instead of making that choice I decided to hurt her so bad that she would have to make the choice. And instead I just end up payin’ for it in the worst way.”
I didn’t say anything right away. I let his words sink in first. “Like losing your brother,” I said then, understanding exactly what he meant.
He nodded slowly. “Yup. And there’s too much history between us to go on and accept her as...what? My sister-in-law?” He sucked his teeth at the thought. “Does that answer your question, baby?”
“Well,” I thought. “Kind of.”
“Kind of, huh...” Ben sighed, his fingers easing down under the waist of my tights and over my hips, stroking me tenderly.
“If you loved each other so much why weren’t you happy?” I wanted to know.
He sighed again, staying patient with me, although I could tell he would have preferred to change the subject. “Well...” He hesitated a moment, thinking, his hands still roaming all over my skin. “Angela never really had much luck with men before me so...I don’t think she ever really trusted me. I never see any of that at the beginning because I was so into her...I thought it was cute how she just made me her whole world, y’know...but eventually I just started fucking drowning. And in the end I just did to her exactly what she was always afraid I would do...which is why I spent so long trying to get her back after. I just couldn’t live with myself.”
I watched him as he spoke, letting everything he said sink in. It scared me. Hearing how he described Angela felt too familiar, to close to how I felt about myself, and I hated it. Even after just a few short weeks I had already showed him my insecurities...my vulnerabilities...
Ben was watching me in my silence. “Why you wanna know about all this?” he asked, studying me closely.
“You fascinate me,” I admitted simply. “And I’m pushy, I know...”
“You are,” he agreed me with me, his hand squeezing my thigh.
“Maybe it’s because I met her and...”
“And what?”
“And...” I took a chance. “She reminds me of myself.”
I tried to read Ben’s expression, but it was hard. He didn’t take his eyes off me. “Well, I guess I have a thing for beautiful women...who have no idea how beautiful they really are.”
“Hmmm...” I bit my lip, staring him down, and he leaned forward and kissed me softly. “What does that mean?” I wanted to know.
“I don’t know...I guess in a way you’re right...” His hand was between my thighs, squeezing, and I caught my breath. “We all just creatures of habit, though...” He was kissing me again, and I lost myself for just a moment, but then pulled back.
“Whoa...wait a minute...” My eyes popped open and it made Ben smile. It was one thing for me to say it, but...not for him. That was not fucking cool. “You did not just compare me to your ex-girlfriend Ben!”
“No, I didn’t. You did,” he reminded me, as I felt his hand run up higher and I felt him squeeze me between my legs. “But if that’s what it takes to shut you up and make you stop asking me about all this shit then...yes I did.”
My jaw dropped and I hit his arm – a little harder than I had meant to. “Jerk,” I muttered.
“Damn...” Ben laughed, rolling onto his back, rubbing his arm for effect.
“You deserved it,” I said simply.
“Wow...baby...you really mad, huh?” Ben was studying me closely, still far too amused for my liking. “I’m sorry.” He reached out and brushed my cheek lightly. “You always hit ya man when you get upset?”
I couldn’t keep a straight face with that one. “Yes I do,” I played along, rolling my eyes. “They usually fall in line pretty quick after a couple blows.”
Ben laughed softly again, but the look in his eyes turned serious rather quickly. “You’re really turning me on right now, you know that?”
“Wow.”
“Wow,” he repeated me, his hand creeping back up my thigh again. “I have to tell you something.”
“You do?” My heart was fluttering again.
He nodded. “The other night...you...me...here...in my bed...” His hand was running up my side, pushing up my t-shirt again. “I can’t stop thinking about you...and normally I wouldn’t say anything but...you really fucking scared me these past couple days.”
His words shocked me. The fact that he could feel for me in way similar to how I felt for him was still so foreign to me.
“I just...” I started, trying to find my voice. “I just felt guilty. And I’m not a very good liar so...” My voice trailed off.
“I know. It’s okay.” His hand brushed my hair back.
“I think about you all the time,” I admitted in
a soft voice. “I think about you so much that I forget about everything else sometimes...”
“That’s not good...” His voice escaped him just before his mouth took over again and his lips and his tongue began teasing mine, pulling back just enough every time I started to lose myself, his fingers grazing me between my legs ever-so-lightly through my tights, making me shudder. He just smiled down at me, enjoying my reaction.
I caught my breath. “So you were thinking about the other night, huh?” My voice came out all breathy, writhing under those fingertips of his.
He nodded slowly, his eyes burning.
“What...what about it...specifically?” I was desperate. He was rubbing me a little harder now, squeezing gently, my clit on fire through those layers of fabric.
“Goddammit, you ask a lot of questions.” He let his breath out deeply, but his voice came out sounding much more aroused than irritated.
I smiled. “I’m difficult,” I whispered, still squirming, as his lips began teasing my jaw, my chin, my neck...
“In more ways than one...” He pulled my t-shirt up over my head and ran his hand back down over my breasts.
“How?” I caught my breath as he slipped the straps of my bra down, first one and then the other.
“Stop it.” He sounded serious now. “I’m not answering any more questions.”
“Oh. I see,” I whispered, as he pulled my breasts out gently, caressing me so tenderly with his hand. “What you gonna do instead?”
“Shhh.” He leaned in and started sucking on my nipple.
“Mmmm...” I bit my lip, deciding to shut up once and for all.
The rain was beating down so hard against the window. I fell back into his warm bed, that soft pillow, and gasped as Ben just took complete and total control of me once again – body and mind – until we were both naked, slick, wet and clinging to one another.
Ω
I woke up to the light pouring in through the bedroom window and Ben’s warm body pressing up behind me, his arms pulling me in close against him.
“Good morning.”
“Hmmm...” I wrapped my arms tighter around his. “No, not yet.”
He sighed softly, and I felt his smile behind my head. “It’s gettin’ late, you know...”
“I don’t give a fuck,” I said simply. “I’m calling in sick.”
But Ben just sucked his teeth at that. “No, you’re not.”
He sounded serious so I turned my head to look at him.
“I can’t go to work in those ratty clothes I came here with!” I protested, and then pulled his hand slowly down over my body and squeezed it between my legs, my pussy still so wet from him. I felt him slide his finger over my clit.
“That’s a relief,” he teased me, looking down over my body, giving me a little glimmer of hope that I had convinced him.
He leaned over and sucked on my nipple, sending another shiver up my spine. His fingers kept stroking me so expertly, sliding up deep inside me and then rubbing my clit so perfectly that I came so hard, so suddenly, all over his hand...his fingers...shaking and shuddering.
“Ohhh...Ben...” I gasped, recovering myself.
“Hmmm.” He let out a satisfied sigh as he released my nipple, flicking it lightly one more time with the tip of his tongue. “Feel better?”
I let my breath out deeply. “You’re so good at that.”
His hand crept slowly back up over my belly and up over my breasts, his eyes following the journey, looking down over me intently, deeply, like he was ready to pounce. I expected him to just start tearing into me all over again, but instead he just pulled back quickly – suddenly – and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.
“Let’s go, baby.”
I was shocked. “Are you serious?”
He turned and glanced back over at me. “Yeah, why?” he wanted to know, already pulling on his boxers.
“So that’s it?”
He looked a little too amused for my liking. “You gotta go to work,” he said simply, then met my bewildered gaze. “I don’t want Tammy to fire you. I kinda like having you as my neighbour.”
Chapter Nine
That nurse had been right. About two days later my mom agreed to see me. And aside from the broken hip and the fact that she was now pretty much bedridden, at least for the immediate future, she was back to her old self again. She apologized for her “accident” – as she kept putting it – saying it had all been one giant mistake. I did my best to push away all the residual hurt and confusion and fear I had been feeling and went about my days like everything was back to normal.
They’d moved her to the intermediate care wing and I set up a routine of spending a few hours after work with her every day, and the rest of my time was my own – for the first time in my life. At first I wasn’t sure what to make of all this abundance of freedom, but Tony – who was still single and attached to me at the hip – convinced me to use the time to my advantage and went and planned a little impromptu dinner party at my house on my behalf with a few friends of ours, and only decided to tell me about it with two days to spare.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Tony broke the news to me when he stopped by my work on my lunch break. We had walked up the street to JJ Bean and were sitting out on the patio, enjoying the sunshine.
“What?” He looked at me like he couldn’t understand my horror at the prospect. “It’s about time you had people over at your place, Gabby. Besides, you’re such a good cook. Michelle already agreed to bring all the wine and stuff...”
I thought for a moment, letting the whole idea of a dinner-party at my house actually sink in. It did sound kind of fun. “Who did you invite?” I asked, cautiously.
“Well, Tasha because...well, you know, there’d be too much drama on the homestead if I didn’t...”
I rolled my eyes. Tasha was Tony’s twin sister/roommate and the two of them had the strangest love-hate relationship of any siblings I knew.
“And Michelle and Corinne...and I was thinking of asking Matt if maybe he wanted –”
“No!” I protested quickly. “You are not inviting any guy you met off the Grapevine on any blind date – not at my house.”
He sighed. “Fine...but you have to invite your boyfriend. It’s time I meet him.”
I got a little flutter in my stomach at the mention of Ben. The past week had been a continuous fog of pure emotional, physical and sexual bliss... I had already fallen so hard for him. I had spent the night with him twice more during the week and on Saturday night he had taken me to see Gyptian live at the Commodore Ballroom.
I remembered how much attention he had attracted from the crowds at the show, especially the women. He looked so gorgeous that night with his dreads hanging loose, and his body – which could move on the dance floor in a way that had my pussy dripping just watching him. At one point during the set I remember a spliff being passed through the crowds and Ben released me for a moment to take a long hit off of it. A gorgeous black girl with the body of Beyoncé and the tightest, smoothest weave to match, had backed right up on him and shoved her perfectly tight round booty right into his crotch. My eyes went wide at the sight, but Ben didn’t even seem to notice. He just pulled the joint from his lips and handed it to her over her right shoulder. This distracted her for a brief moment and Ben just slipped away from her so smoothly and before I knew it his arms were back around my waist. I still couldn’t forget the look of utter disbelief on her face as she glanced over at the two of us. But I just averted my eyes quickly and fell back into my groove with my man...
“Ben?” My eyes went wide at the prospect of Ben meeting my friends. My self-conscious fears crept back in my head so quickly and I just shook my head. “No...it’s too soon. Plus, when did I ever say he was my boyfriend?” This, come to think of it, was a fair statement. The topic had never been discussed between us – officially. Of course the way he treated me, I wasn’t sure what else to call it myself.
Tony ju
st rolled his eyes. “Whatever...” He reached for his wallet. “Hey do you mind grabbing me a refill?” He waved his empty coffee cup at me and his lit cigarette, signalling that he wasn’t able to go in himself.
I just rolled my eyes. “Fine...” I got up and headed back inside the coffee shop.
But as soon as I got back out with his coffee I knew something was up because Tony was madly texting away on what looked like...my phone!
I slammed his cup down on the table. “You bitch!” I grabbed my phone away from him as fast as I could. “What the hell did you do?”
I scrambled to check my sent items.
“Oh relax...” Tony just shrugged me off. “I just did the same thing you would have done eventually anyway...”
And there it was. The last sent message straight to Ben’s blackberry.
“I don’t fucking believe you, Tony!” I was horrified. “What the hell was that? I don’t even talk like that...you are so out of line, I can’t believe you!”
“Look, if you think he’s not gonna accept your friends or you think he’s gonna judge you for the people in your life, especially me, then isn’t it better to find out sooner rather than later?” He sucked his teeth and took a sip of his coffee. “God, you can be such a baby sometimes...”
I sat back down across from him and ignored him for a good five minutes, staring out at the street and down the block, where Ben’s restaurant was visible, and the small outdoor patio full of people enjoying the sunshine.
Then my phone buzzed. Tony looked up at me and nodded at my phone, giving me a look that seemed to say, What the fuck are you waiting for?
I just groaned inwardly and pulled up my in box. His reply couldn’t have been simpler.
Love Is Overdue Page 14