“Yeah, but…” I didn’t know what to say. My heart was racing so fast and my head was spinning in circles. “It’s too much.” My voice came out in barely a whisper. It was all I could manage. “I don’t know what to say.”
Ben sucked his teeth, smiling, and reached out and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Just say thank you,” he said, as if it was all just that simple. “I mean, it’s one thing not to ask for help when you need it, but to turn it down when it’s offered? That’s just fuckin’ stupid. For real. No offence, baby.”
I met his eyes then, glaring back at him. It was just like Ben to throw out an insult to break the tension.
“So…” he started slowly, “I’m gonna go check on my crew…wait for me here?” He raised his eyebrows in that heart-stopping way of his.
I nodded slowly, silently.
He smiled, reached out and held my face as he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, softest, tastiest little kiss on my mouth – making my heart race and my knees wobble, all in the same nanosecond.
Ω
I took those brief minutes alone to let Ben’s spontaneous, mind-blowingly generous offer to sink in. I found a tree stump near the chain-link fence and sat down in relative seclusion and pulled out a cigarette. Smoke and think. It always seemed to be my first go-to, although a lot of the time I realized it was really just a vice – a distraction. Then again, it almost seemed like everything in my life at the moment was just serving as a major distraction. Taking care of my mother, making sure we functioned on a day-to-day basis, that we paid our bills, had a roof over our head and made it through to the next month was just what I did. The future…planning ahead…focusing on the bigger picture – that just wasn’t a part of my reality. It never had been. We didn’t save. We didn’t set aside anything for a rainy day. In our world it just didn’t rain – ever. My mother’s disability cheque barely paid for groceries and transportation. My pay cheque was everything – without it we wouldn’t get from one month to the next. I bought my make-up at the drug store and shopped for household deals at the dollar store. I bought my clothes in thrift stores and vintage boutiques. And any given day my mother would be discharged from the hospital and I would have nowhere to take her. And in the wake of all that, I instead just thought about everything else.
My head was spinning. I couldn’t take Ben’s money. It was too much. Our rent was nearly $1200 a month – and what if I couldn’t sublet immediately? The amount would just double, triple, quadruple…and to what end? I knew Ben had money, and maybe it wasn’t a lot of money to him, but how could I ever repay it? How could I indebt myself to him to that degree before I even knew the status of our relationship? It was too crazy to consider.
But then there was the alternative. And Ben was right. I was up a creek without a paddle – and had been ever since my mother’s “accident”.
I was stubbing out my cigarette as I saw Ben making his way back over to where I was sitting.
He lowered his eyes at me as he approached.
“Sorry…” I shrugged. “Me and my filthy habit.”
He sighed. “It’s awright,” he admitted easily, grabbing one of his elbows and stretching his arms out casually, first one and then the other. I was immediately distracted again by his gorgeous body… “I smoke too. Just a different poison.” He winked at me.
I smiled, popping some mint gum into my mouth. I took a breath. “A loan,” I said firmly, standing up to face him. “I’ll need to pay you back.” I held his gaze. “And thank you.”
But Ben just sucked his teeth. “I don’t do loans, Gabriela,” he said simply. “I don’t give away money expecting to get it back – I’m not a bank.”
I stared back at him, completely exasperated. “But you just told me if Laz agreed to pay to consider it a loan!”
“No,” he corrected me. “I meant if he wants to put up the money out of his own free will then fine – not just because he’s payin’ back some dude that’s bangin’ his sister.”
I let my breath out, frustrated. “I see.”
“Look, Gabby, I told you already, I want to do this for you,” he said. “I don’t loan people money out of principle. Never have, never will.” He watched me for a moment. “Do you want that in writing?”
I let out a little laugh but rolled my eyes. “Never mind…” I turned and gazed out at the crowds. “Just let me think about this shit for a bit…okay?” I looked back over at him.
He shook his head at me, sighing. “Why you so stubborn? You’re like one of the most irrational girls I ever met…for real…you’re lucky you’re so pretty.”
I raised my eyebrows at him. “That’s tame,” I noted. “Especially for…” I stopped. “Is that really all you are?”
He gave me a look. “What?”
“Just some dude that’s ‘bangin’ his sister’?” I repeated his words.
He kind of laughed. “Well yeah…to him I am.”
I sighed. “I see…” I thought about that, as we started walking again.
“I have sisters too,” he reminded me, nudging my shoulder lightly with his.
I smiled. “So that’s how you think too, huh?”
“Well…” He thought. “Neva’s married so…the guy’s been around a while so we cool now.”
I laughed. “And what about your evil step-sisters?” I teased him.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Damn…that’s harsh,” he said, feigning offence. “Kimmie, though, she would kill any guy that look at her the wrong way herself, so I don’t really gotta worry about her. But Ali – she’s brought a couple questionable dates around before I had to keep my eye on – nothin’ too serious though.”
That made me smile. “Why? What was wrong with them?”
“Well…” He thought for a moment. “She met this one guy through her agency at her job – invite him over a couple times for dinner. Each time we sat down to eat he would start moaning real loud and shaking and holding his ears, and then Aliyah would start crying and go lock herself in the bathroom for hours and hours – too much drama. Dude had to go. Eventually they transferred him so she could keep her job.”
I frowned. “That’s so sad.” I paused. “What does she do for work?” I was curious now.
“She’s a chef.”
I gave him a disapproving look and narrowed my eyes.
Ben smiled. “I tried to tell her she was a ‘sandwich artist’ but she didn’t like that – she only answers to ‘chef’.”
My eyes popped open. “She works at Subway?” I was impressed.
Ben laughed. “No…she works at a school. In the cafeteria. She makes sandwiches. She used to just wrap them and hand them out but a couple months ago she got a promotion. So now she’s a chef.”
I smiled. “You must like that, huh? Following in your foot steps and all…”
“I’m just happy she likes it,” he admitted. “It’s kinda hard for her to keep a job for long so…whatever works.”
I was still smiling to myself, taking it all in.
“What?” Ben nudged me out of my private thoughts, watching me.
“What?” I turned back to him.
“What’s that look?” he wanted to know.
“Nothing, it’s just…your family,” I admitted. “They just all seem so nice and down to earth and…normal. I like that.”
Ben gave me a confused look. “As opposed to what? The crack-head gangstas you assumed raised me?”
I laughed. “No…but…I don’t know…it’s just nice to see that it’s not all just bed-hopping, girlfriend-stealing, scandalous shit going on, you know?” I bit my lip. “Sorry, that probably came out wrong.”
Ben sucked his teeth and stared me down. “That was uncalled for.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I eyed him. “Are you okay?” I teased him.
“No.”
“You sure?” I gave him my innocent, puppy eyes for effect.
He sucked his teeth at me again, but I saw the flicker of amusement behind tho
se sexy eyes of his. “You need a spanking,” he said softly. “Maybe I’ll have to take you home later and get a little scandalous on that big-ass mouth of yours…”
I bit my lip as I felt a surge of excitement flow through me at the thought. “Yes, please,” I answered quickly.
Chapter Fourteen
Tasha and I were scoping out the action near the main stage. I’d left Ben up on the hill to spend a little quality time with some of his family members. I figured it may be wise to give him some privacy.
“It’s getting fuckin’ crazy, girl…” Tasha was saying as we got nearer to the crowds. “Did Ben say he had some blaze?”
I laughed, scanning the crowds and swaying to the music. The band on stage was playing a Jah Cure cover and the crowd was going wild.
“He always has,” I told her. “I think he’s just waiting…his parents are taking Sophie home with them soon…”
“That sucks.” Tasha made a face, still scanning the faces in the crowd. “I could go for some now.”
There were small groups of people openly smoking weed around the main stage and Tasha pulled me in further into the masses.
“Yo, check it – there’s your asshole brother-in-law!” She nodded over to where she saw Ivan sharing a spliff with a few others in the crowd. “He owes me…come on…” And before I could protest she grabbed my arm and pulled me over to where they were.
Ivan saw us then as we approached. He was laughing at something one of his friends was saying and then he reached out and tapped Tasha’s arm, gesturing her closer.
“Hey…” I heard him shout out over the music. “No hard feelings, girl…” I saw him give her that same little eyebrow raise I knew Ben so well for, as an apology. It was unnerving to me how much they looked alike. “Am not a bad guy…” And then he glanced over at me. “You should know that too.”
“What?” I shouted back over the blaring outdoor speakers. I couldn’t hear a thing.
He gestured me to come closer, but Tasha broke in, nodding toward the spliff he was holding. “Peace offering!” she shouted out.
Ivan laughed at that. “All good…” he agreed, handing over the joint, giving her that all-too-familiar up and down that all Caribbean men were so famous for.
She took a deep drag and then pulled me in between them and passed it to me. I brought it to my lips and took too deep a pull and started coughing. Fuck, I hated that.
“Easy girl…” I heard Ivan’s voice as I recovered myself and he took the spliff back.
The three of us passed the joint around another two times in silence, swaying and moving to the music, watching the band. The weed was strong and I felt myself start spinning much sooner than I was used to. That and the heat from the sun and the melody from the stage sent me into a mini-trance. I started to wonder seriously and far too urgently why I was here in the crowd smoking a joint with Ben’s estranged brother, who apparently had a thing for helping himself to his brother’s left-overs. They obviously had the same taste in women. That thought seemed to always hit me whenever Ivan looked at me.
I snapped myself out of it and stole a glance at Ben’s double, standing only a foot or so to my right. He was nodding his head oh-so-slightly to the beat, taking his turn on the spliff. He was smooth, I could tell. Far too smooth. The music was piercing through me…
“Congratulations!” I found myself leaning over to him as he passed Tasha the joint.
He gave me a puzzled look, his eyes a little heavy from the weed, his movements in slow motion. Fuck, he looked just like Ben.
“I hear you’re engaged!” I shouted again, trying to explain myself. “Congratulations!”
The expression on his face showed recognition. He nodded slowly, smiling slightly. “Thank you,” he managed finally, then motioned me closer and leaned into my ear. “You should tell my brother to come to my wedding. You should come too…”
I smiled slowly as the words registered. “Probably not gonna happen!” I heard myself shouting back, and then bit my tongue.
But for some reason he seemed to find that amusing. “I know.”
“It’s too bad, though,” I added quickly.
He raised his eyebrows. Way too familiar. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“You look just like him!” I heard myself saying then. “It’s so fuckin’ weird – I can’t get over it!”
He smiled at that, though. Even though I could have hit myself for all the stupid shit that was coming out of my mouth…
He leaned into me again. “It’s the angle.”
“What?” I was confused.
“It’s just my left side that looks like him,” he explained. “On my right, it’s him that looks like me.”
I laughed. “That’s funny. I’m fucking stoned.”
He smiled, taking the roach back from me. “You’re welcome.”
Ω
We pulled up outside Ben’s parents’ house just before 11 pm. They lived in a modest, but well-maintained two-storey character home near Venables and Victoria, only a block off Commerical Drive. The front porch and walkway was surrounded by impeccable flower beds.
“So this is where you grew up, huh?” I smiled, turning to Ben as he cut the engine.
“No, baby, I grew up in Mango Walk, Montego Bay,” he teased me. “But I know what you mean, so yes…”
I laughed at that. “Hey look – Sally’s on the porch.”
Ben’s phone was buzzing. I saw him pull it out, check the message and suck his teeth in irritation. “Gimme a minute,” he told me simply as he hit dial and pulled the phone to his ear. “Hey…” he started after whoever he called had answered. “Outside my folks’ place…No, Sally took her home about eight or somethin’, she was tired…well, that’s what am doin’ right now, she gonna be asleep though, but it’s your call…Cool. Later.” He clicked his phone off.
Maria. I didn’t have to ask.
Ben reached for the door, and glanced over at me casually. “Y’coming?”
Ω
“Hello again…” Sally called out, beckoning us over. She was seated on a wicker couch, reading a novel, a pot of tea on the table in front of her. “Have a seat you two…let me get you a cup.” She moved to get up, but Ben waved her off as he sank down on the wicker chair opposite her. I took the couch next to Sally.
“Nah, no time,” Ben said simply. “Maria waiting.”
Sally sighed, shaking her head slightly. “Sophie’s fast asleep, Ben. Just call her and tell her I’ll bring her home in the morning.”
Ben sucked his teeth. “Am not arguing with her.”
Sally narrowed her eyes at her step-son. “Reasoning,” she stressed. “Not arguing.”
Ben laughed at that. “What’s that?” he wanted to know.
Sally shook her head, eyeing me briefly. “Unbelievable.” She lay her book down. “Give me your phone. Let me call her.”
Ben didn’t say anything right away. He eyed Sally back, unconvinced.
“Come on, this is ridiculous. Hand it over,” she insisted.
I smiled at that.
Ben sucked his teeth again, relenting. “Knock yourself out, Sally.” He pulled out his blackberry, hit dial, and handed Sally the phone.
I loved the no-nonsense expression on Sally’s face as she pressed the phone to her ear. “Maria? Hi sweetheart, it’s Sally…I’m great, how are you? How are you feeling, dear, how’s the baby?...Did you?” Long pause on Sally’s end.
Ben leaned back on the chair he was on, just watching the show in silence.
“Wow – no kidding...” Sally started in again. “You know, it was so long ago, I can’t even remember…” Long pause again.
Ben sighed, watching Sally, starting to look impatient.
“Darling, it’s stress. And you know why it’s so dangerous? Because it’s a silent killer – you don’t ever realize the power of the human mind, Maria, it can cripple you physically without you even…”
“What the fuck?” Ben rolled his eyes, mutt
ering under his breath, but Sally just raised a finger to him, silencing him.
“Listen, darling, you just put your feet up and stop worrying, okay? Sophie is sleeping soundly, happy as a clam, I’ll gladly bring her home to you in morning, you just get yourself some rest, awright? She’s safe and sound here with her grandparents …What?” Slight pause. “Well, I don’t know, sweetie, I think you’ll have to ask him that yourself…” Her eyes focused over on me briefly. “From what I can tell, she seems like a lovely girl, you have nothing to worry about…”
Ben’s eyes went wide. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Sally raised her finger again, shooting him some dagger eyes. “Awright Maria, just get some sleep, okay? Okay, take care…you too.” Click.
Sally let her breath out. “Temper, Benjamin.” She shot him another warning glance and passed him back his phone. “Piece of cake.”
I turned to look at Ben, impressed. “Wow. They could use you to negotiate peace treaties overseas, that was amazing,” I complimented Sally then.
Sally laughed at that, but Ben just pocketed his phone again, still looking a bit uneasy.
“Now…” Sally stood up. “Can I get you both a cup of tea?”
Ben was still silent, but I met Sally’s eyes and smiled, leaning back into the wicker couch. “I would love one,” I told her.
Ben raised his eyebrows at me as soon as Sally stepped through the front door.
“I like that lady,” I said simply.
Ben narrowed his eyes at me. “That don’t surprise me,” he teased me softly. “You sure you don’t wanna bounce? It’s gettin’ late…”
I shrugged. “I’m okay…”
Ben sighed. “Cool…” And then he leaned forward, pulling out his baggie of weed and preparing to roll up.
My eyes went wide. “You doin’ that here?” I was surprised.
He looked up. “Yeah, why?” he wondered, not looking bothered.
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