by Barbara Gee
Libby let her legs drop down over the edge of her bed and she moved her hand from the tattoo up to his heart, feeling its strong, steady beat. “But He was always working on you here,” she said confidently. “Even when you thought you’d cast Him aside.”
“I guess so. I was so angry I convinced myself that a caring God wouldn’t have permitted me to miss that shot and cause such good men to die, and thus the God I thought I knew didn’t exist. Holding onto my anger allowed me to keep my distance from the God I thought had let me down.”
“And now?” Libby asked softly. “How do you feel about it now?”
“I want the relationship back. I want His direction in my life, I need it. It’s not just me anymore, it’s Hank, too, and it’s overwhelming. I don’t want to screw up.”
Libby slid her hand down across his skin and out from under his shirt, then hooked her fingers in his belt loops. “So last Sunday you realized you don’t have to do it all by yourself?”
“Yeah, I surrendered.” Ryan lowered himself to the edge of the bed beside her. “That’s the word Pastor Keller used all week when I met with him, surrender. After the first couple sessions I asked if he could use another word, because surrendering doesn’t have good connotations for an ex-soldier. It’s not something I’ve ever done willingly, in fact it’s ingrained in me to avoid it at all costs. But he said that’s exactly why he’d been using that specific word. He kept telling me I needed to surrender to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and give up the need to be in complete control. He said unless I’m willing to surrender to God, completely and without stipulation, I won’t ever find what I’m searching for.”
“What are you searching for?” Libby asked softly.
“What you, Tuck and Maddy have. And Virgil and Kay. And my parents. What I used to have, only more of it. I think the most accurate description would have to be ‘a peace that passes understanding.’”
“And you found it last Sunday?” she asked, looking over at him, her blue eyes warm.
“I took the first step anyway.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m a work in progress, though. I still have a lot of questions, and I’m still fighting my need to be in control.”
“We’re all works in progress.” Libby turned to face him, one leg curled up on the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me this when it happened? It’s been almost a week.”
“I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I felt like it would seem so fake, like I was just telling you what you wanted to hear so we could finally give in to this crazy attraction we have. So I decided not to say anything and hope you noticed something different with me, and then we could talk about it.”
“I’ve been trying really hard not to notice you lately,” Libby admitted. “I’ve been trying to be more emotionally distant, to protect myself.”
“I noticed,” Ryan said with a crooked smile. “You’ve been backing off just when I finally got my act together.”
She returned his smile, her eyes sparkling. “I’m so happy for you, Ry. Did things feel different for you right away?” she asked hopefully. “When it happened for me, I felt like I had finally, finally captured what I’d been chasing all my life.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “It felt right. I mean, the heavens didn’t open to reveal singing angels, and I didn’t walk away suddenly feeling like I had everything figured out, but I didn’t expect that. It was real for me because I’m ready to give up all the crap I’ve been holding onto and let God make me a better man. Not only for my own good, but for Hank. He deserves a dad who isn’t too stubborn to be the best I can be.”
Libby felt ridiculously proud of him. “Just so you know, I don’t question whether it was real, and I don’t question your motives. I know you well enough to know you would never stoop to misleading me. Even though you might not have been living for Christ, you’re still one of the best men I know.”
He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. “That’s probably because God never left me, I just thought He had. I do have to admit that I’m afraid I won’t measure up. It’s a big change for me.”
“I know the feeling,” Libby said. “But the gift of grace isn’t limited. So when we screw up, we pick ourselves back up and go on, and try to do better the next time.”
His eyes narrowed. “So it hasn’t faded for you? You’re still at peace and your faith keeps growing stronger?”
She grinned, her heart feeling lighter than it had in months. “Trust me, if my faith was any less strong, even just a smidgeon, I wouldn’t be sleeping in this cabin.”
***
Again, her honesty impressed him. He searched her blue-green eyes, her happiness for him so evident in their depths. He halfway wished he could fast forward through the next few months and already be to the point he wanted so badly to get to with her. But he had to do it right. She deserved that. And doing it right meant working on himself, first.
He stood up and walked to the window, looking out for a while before he turned back around, his arms folded across his chest. “I’m going to keep meeting with Pastor Keller. He also said he’s been considering starting a Bible study for some of the newer Christians at church, because he thinks there’s value in witnessing the growth of others as we go through it ourselves.”
“Everyone is going to be so happy for you. Tuck, Maddy, Kay, Virgil—” she broke off and shook her head. “We’ve all been praying for you and Hank. This is the best news we could ever hope to hear.”
“I don’t want to let you guys down.”
“You won’t.”
He appreciated her belief in him. She’d always made him feel he could accomplish the important things, like being a good dad to Hank. It was one of the things that drew him to her. One of the many, many things.
“I know my relationship with Christ needs to be my priority right now, Libby. I have to focus on that and get used to the changes it’ll make in my life. And in Hank’s.”
He watched as she stood and walked across the room to him, her smile warm.
“I think you’ve got your priorities straight.” She reached out and took both of his hands in hers. “And we’re all here for you, you know that.”
“I do, and I appreciate it. But I think it’s only fair to warn you.” He smiled down at her, resisting the urge to pull her close. “There will come a time, probably in the not too distant future, when I’ll be ready to add another priority. And when that time comes, I’ll pursue that priority with single-minded purpose.”
Her eyes widened and he heard her release a shaky breath. “You will?”
“Mmm hmm. Think you’ll have a problem with that?”
Her beautiful lips curved into a pleased smile. “Um, no, Ryan, I don’t think I’ll have much of a problem with that.”
“Good to know.” He let go of her hands and raised his to frame her face. “I’d better go. Thanks for caring, Lib, and thanks for your prayers. You and Tuck and the others have saved me in so many ways. Hank and I will be forever grateful.”
“You’ve saved us too, you know. Literally.” She gave him a quick, hard hug, then stepped away. “Good night, Ryan.”
“Night. See you in the morning.”
Her happy smile stuck with him as he walked back to the ranch house, showered, and climbed into bed. Where he fell into a deep, healing sleep.
CHAPTER 31
The following week was up and down for Libby. At times she was almost euphoric with happiness for Ryan and hope for the future. At other times she was worried. When she’d been convinced that the two of them could never be together, she hadn’t contemplated what a future with him would be like. It hadn’t mattered that he lived in North Carolina and she lived here. She also hadn’t dwelled too much on the fact that he had a dangerous job. Now, as she dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, she and Ryan could find their way to being together, lots of things were swirling around in her head.
As the days passed, she began to feel more and more disgruntled. She and Ryan
had spent zero time alone together since their heart to heart on Saturday night. It’s not like he wasn’t around—she actually saw plenty of him. She saw him during the day from her office window, often working in the bright sun without his shirt. They all had dinner together every night. She played games with him and Hank in the evenings. But when Hank was in bed, Tuck, Ryan and Virgil had taken to holing up in Virgil’s office. Maddy said they were going through some Bible passages that Tuck and Virgil thought would be important and helpful for Ryan as he started his journey, and just spending time talking and giving Ryan a chance to ask questions and work through his issues.
Libby understood how important it was that he have Christian men to guide him on the new path he was trying to follow, but if she were honest, she was a little jealous, too. While the way to a real relationship had seemingly been cleared, his ‘friends only’ demeanor toward her hadn’t changed, and it made her wonder whether she’d misinterpreted what he’d said in her cabin.
Her initial hopefulness took a hit, but she put on a brave face and told herself that she needed to continue to rejoice in Ryan’s decision, whether he still wanted more with her or not. He had a lot on his mind, and it would be selfish of her to complicate things by putting expectations on him that he wasn’t ready for.
On Friday afternoon Maddy left the office early to meet Tuck in Fargo to have dinner with his old friend and current colleague, Harrison. Libby had found out at lunchtime that Virgil and Kay were also going to be gone over dinner, and she’d been hopeful ever since that she, Ryan and Hank could have a nice evening, just the three of them.
When Ryan showed up at the office just before quitting time, her heart started racing. It was literally the first time she’d been alone with him in a week.
“Hey, Lib. ‘Bout ready to call it a day?”
“Getting there,” she said, smiling as he sank into the chair across from her desk. “How was your day?”
“Hot but good. We’re making progress. If the weather holds, we should have the lodge under roof by the end of next week.”
“It’s looking so good. I can hardly believe how far we’ve come.”
He studied her for a moment, his expression unreadable. “I was wondering if you could do me a favor,” he said.
“Of course.”
“Pastor Keller set up that Bible study I mentioned, and our first meeting is tonight. He called a little while ago and said his wife thought it would be nice to have supper together before our first session. He said I’m welcome to bring Hank and Sue will watch him after we eat, but I know he’d be happier staying here with you. If you don’t have other plans, and don’t mind that is.”
Libby hid her disappointment over the fact that he would be away for the evening. “Is this the first time you’ve had to find a babysitter?” she teased.
“Yeah, it is actually. Kinda weird.”
“I’d love to watch Hank. Maybe I’ll take him to the drive-in theater in town. I told him about it once and he thought it would be really cool to watch a movie while you sit in your car. We can eat there, too. If you don’t mind him having hot dogs, popcorn, and candy for supper, that is.”
“Sounds like fun. Maybe I should tell Pastor Keller I can’t make it and go with you.”
Libby shut down her computer and stood. “Who else is part of the group?”
“There’s only five of us. Two of them I don’t know, and then there’s Stan Gray and Candace Appleton.”
“Candace?” Libby winced. “I’m sure she’s looking forward to the evening. She can’t keep her eyes off of you at church. Not that I can blame her.”
Ryan shrugged. “She’ll get the message soon enough.”
“What message is that?” Libby asked, walking with him to the door.
He held the door open for her, then locked it and followed her out. “The message that I’m not interested.”
Libby raised a brow. “Candace is a very beautiful woman.”
“Maybe.” He grabbed Libby’s hand and pulled her to a stop, standing close. “I’m only interested in one woman, Lib. And it’s not Candace Appleton.”
She looked up at him, not even trying to hide her happy smile. “That’s good to know. As long as that one woman is me, that is.”
His dark eyes narrowed slightly. “Do you doubt that?”
“No, I guess not. It’s just been kind of a weird week. We haven’t had much chance to talk.”
“I know. I’ve missed that, but the time I’ve spent with Tuck and Virgil has been good. They’ve passed on so much wisdom to me.” Ryan dropped an arm over her shoulder and they started walking toward the Gators parked beside each other. “I told them about Afghanistan.”
“I hoped you had. It’s not good for you to keep it all inside.”
“Yeah, I realized that after I talked to you. It did help. And it was easier the second time.”
Libby stopped at her Gator and leaned up against it. “I’m glad,” she said.
He nodded, folding his arms across his chest. “Tuck helped me accept that I might need to talk to a professional. Someone who knows how to handle PTSD. I know I’ll never forget it, never stop grieving for my friends, but I need to learn how to live with it better.”
“Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, you know. You’re one of the strongest men I’ve ever met. Maybe the strongest. I’m so glad you’re looking forward instead of back.”
“I have to. For Hank.” His dark eyes locked on hers. “For us.”
Libby actually shivered at his words. “That sounds so strange. Us. I’ve spent so long telling myself that could never happen. I’m still not sure it’s sunk in that it might.”
“Might?” he asked softly.
She swallowed and looked down at the grass for a moment before meeting his gaze again. “We have things to work out if we go for it.”
“If? I wish you’d said when.”
“You know that’s what I want. But we do have things to work out. I’m a planner, and I can’t just fly by the seat of my pants. My mind automatically starts processing the future, and how we could make it work. I don’t want to assume you would stay here, but it would be hard for me to leave Tuck and Maddy to finish all this without me, if it came to that. I know they’d give me their blessing, but I’d still feel like I was letting them down. Then again, a lot of what I do could probably be done remotely.”
He raised a brow. “Wow, you have been thinking about this.”
She looked a little sheepish. “I pretty much think about it 24/7.”
“Me too.” Ryan admitted. He reached out and grasped a lock of her hair, twisting it gently around his fingers. “You would actually consider leaving here?”
She gave a slow nod. “If I had to choose between the ranch and you.”
Ryan took her face in his hands. “Seriously, Lib? You would go back to Chandler with me?”
“You’d have to convince me it’s a better place for us, and for Hank, than the ranch,” she said with a smile. “But yeah. If things work out for us and that’s where we decide we need to be, I would go.”
“That tells me a lot. I know how important this ranch and this project are to you.” He gently pulled her close and wrapped his strong arms around her. “But let me ease your mind, babe. There’s nothing I need to go back to North Carolina for. No family, not even a job I want to return to. I would miss Olivia and Kevin, but she’s the one telling me the department isn’t the same and I’d go crazy trying to exist in that chaos. So, to use your words, if things work out for us, I don’t think you need to worry about me asking you to return to Chandler.”
Libby felt a huge weight lift. She hugged him hard, her cheek against his warm chest. “Thank you, Ryan,” she whispered.
His arms tightened. “I don’t want to rush this, Libby. I want to do it right. But I’m not a patient man and I don’t know how much longer I can keep you at arm’s length. How will I know when I’m ready to start the next chapter with you?”
�
�I don’t know.” She pulled away enough to be able to look up at him. “But I’m ready when you are,” she said with a grin.
His smile was slow and warm. “Have I told you how much I appreciate you being honest with me, instead of hiding what you’re thinking and feeling?”
“I try. It’s a part of the new me.”
“Tomorrow night,” Ryan said, his dark eyes suddenly intense. “I’ll ask Kay to watch Hank and we’ll go out for dinner, just the two of us.”
“Really?” she asked, her eyes sparkling.
“Our first date has been a long time in coming. Maybe we’ve waited long enough.”
“I would love that, but if it doesn’t feel right to you, I’ll wait.” Libby splayed her hands on his chest, her gaze earnest. “I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I don’t want to screw this up.”
“Tomorrow night,” he said decisively.
Libby let out a slow breath. The dream that was impossible a week ago had suddenly become a very real hope. She’d gone from contemplating a lonely future, to picturing one with the man of her dreams, quite possibly right here on the ranch she loved so much. It was almost too much to absorb.
“Tomorrow night,” she repeated. “I can’t wait. In the meantime I’ll have Hank as my date. I’m going to go change my clothes real quick and then I’ll come up to the house and get him for our drive-in movie adventure.”
“He’ll be ready.”
She got in her ATV without further ado and buzzed back to her cabin, feeling on top of the world. And so very, very thankful.