by Sarah Denier
“I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t be honest. I’m here for you, always, but I’m not psychic, you have to talk to me.”
“I promise, that is if you still want me, damaged and all.” I snuffle a shy, nervous laugh.
“All I want is you.”
The tension between us lightens with the pacified resolve of our issues. He pulls me into him bringing his soft lips firmly against mine, and it hits me. It’s simply the worst but greatest and crazy idea I’ve ever had. It’s the perfect solution. Only problem is, if I can barely sell myself on it, what’s Luke going to think.
While Luke scavenges my kitchen determined to make us lunch I hype myself up and think of everything he might say to sway my decision. I need him to go with me or I know I’ll chicken out.
“I want to ask you somethin’. And think about it before you answer.”
“Ok.” I say a little surprised that he’s taken the words out of my mouth. I sit down across the kitchen table for him.
“I know what your dad said, but I think it would be a good decision if maybe you saw your aunt.”
“Ok, weird!”
“What?”
“I literally was just going to say the same thing.”
“Good, I think it’s important for the two of you to connect. I hope it’s ok if I plan myself into this. I was thinkin’ after you saw your aunt we could have a little vaca in the city.”
I agree and Luke and I spend the next hour on the web looking up hotels in New York before he eagerly heads home to pack. I, on the other hand, turn the radio on to drown out the menacing thoughts telling me just how bad this great idea is.
Somehow, by the time I have packed and dropped my suitcase in the entranceway I see Luke parking in my driveway. Luke doesn’t live that far away from me. Maybe a mile or two. I guess I just didn’t expect him back so soon, then again he’s a guy, he probably packed at lightning speed.
“Jeeze, Flash. What’d you grab, just your tooth brush?” I say with a smile as I open the front door.
“Tooth brush, I knew I forgot something.” He jokes before kissing the top of my head. He plops onto the love seat. “Is that all you’re bringing?”
“Yeah. It’s not like we’re staying long. Are we staying long?” I ask raising an eyebrow. I figured our mini vacation would be three, four days max.
“We’ll stay as long as you want.”
As I take a seat next to him, Luke pulls me down onto his lap and wraps his arms around me.
“Did you book the flight already?”
His brow creases and I know bad news is coming.“All I could get on short notice was two cancellation seats for tomorrow morning. We gotta’ leave a little after five.”
“Five, as in a.m.? Which in airport time really means three, in the morning.” I whine and throw my head back.
“Sorry.” He says taking his arm from around me. He looks at me warily and takes a defensive posture.
“Relax. I’ll peel myself out of bed somehow. I really appreciate you coming with me. I just hope we can find her.”
“It won’t be as hard as you think Kimber. Look, Marie once mentioned Lena to me. She said somethin’ about the Adirondacks. I don’t think there’ll be too many nut houses on the mountain.”
The thought of a nut house is anything but comforting. I can’t think of a reason my mother would ever mention Lena to Luke when she hardly spoke of her to me. I just hope my father was wrong and that whatever might be wrong with Lena isn’t that serious.
Luke tucks back in his arms. Any evidence of our explosive fight and almost breakup is gone. He pushes a loose strand of hair behind my ear and his hand lingers there. His eyes meet mine. His hand caresses my neck. The tension is electric. Kiss me! I scream in my head and as if he heard me, he does.
For the next hour we stay tangled in each other on the couch. Our lips not willing to break free. Our hands able to explore the soft touch of one another’s skin. It’s when Luke’s hands try to explore a part of me I’m not ready for, that I pull away. With a wild need, Luke’s eyes questions me, his breath heavy he asks, “You ok?”
“Yeah. Maybe we could slow down a little.”
His body loosens from around me as he eases away. “I’m sorry. I got lost in the moment. You’re not easy to resist.” He says running his hand down the side of my face.
I know I’m not just another girl to him. Being with a guy sexually is like foreign territory for me. Though I’m sure Luke has hit all the sexual bases and doubled back a few extra times.
“I’m sorry.” I say watching as Luke pulls his shirt back over his sculpted torso. He stands holding his hand out for me to take. Happily I do.
“Don’t ever be sorry.”
With the awkwardness out of the way, we spend the rest of our day at the house watching movies, order pizza and play on the Wii. Not getting carried away, Luke steals kisses every time he lets me win.
When night finally falls, I’m relieved that Luke offers to crash on the couch. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a test to see if I will let him in my bed. I hold my ground and stand by my decision. I bring him pillows and a blanket. I can’t lie to myself though as he stands by the couch when I say goodnight. The sight of him in solid navy blue pajama pants, bare chest and tousled hair has me questioning myself. His years of playing football and a vigorous workout routine are evident on his tall, lean, defined muscular body. No! Snap out of it, I order myself. I hug and kiss him quickly, run away from the temptation and head back up to my room.
Chapter Seven
THE CLOCK READS twelve forty six. Maybe it’s the anticipation of the day ahead. Maybe it’s the way Luke looked. Maybe it’s the nagging sick feeling I have at the bottom of my gut. I consider all this as I stare at the ceiling, bathed in pale moon light.
Twelve fifty one.
Twelve fifty nine.
One ten.
Fed up and sure sleep is no longer an option I go down stairs for a glass of water. Luke’s passed out on the couch. Face in the cushions.
There’s an infomercial on TV. Even though I won’t buy it, much less care what it is, I still stand and watch as the salesman proclaims the mop he’s selling can absorb any liquid.
Then I see it out of the corner of my eye. I know I shouldn’t but that does not stop my mind from running free with all sorts of different ideas and curiosity. An internal battle of right and wrong carries on in my head as I stare at it. It stares right back. I can’t help myself. It’s like the time I discovered where my mom hid all the Christmas presents. I’m no better at controlling myself now than I was then. I can’t help it.
I move in slow and quiet, reach down to the coffee table and retrieve Luke’s cell phone. I take it back upstairs into my bedroom.
There’s no complexity in unlocking Luke’s phone. I trace the dots in a L shape. I don’t let myself think of this as an intrusion or a violation of some girlfriend code. I simply need it. But needing it doesn’t over shadow the annoyance as I scroll through names like Amanda, Casey, Erica, and Lizzy. Girls I do not know. Girls I do not care to wonder how Luke knows. My heart accelerates and I feel a tingling sensation of adrenalin as I finally come across the name I’m looking for.
“This is crazy. I don’t even know if it’s him.” I whisper. I take a chance, select his name and push the call button. If I can just hear his voice maybe it’ll jog my memory, or even better, hear him say my name. I press the phone against my ear. First ring. Second ring. Third ring. “Just hang up.” I tell myself, letting the loser in me take over, but it’s too late. Before the fourth ring can finish he answers.
His voice is low, raspy, like he just woke up. The moment is overwhelming. “Hey man. What’s—” He pauses.
I freeze, the only part of me moving is my stammering heart. My mouth is dry, throat tight. I should have thought this through.
“I’ve been missin’ you in ways you can’t possibly conceive. I hate this. That every day just means it’s another day I ca
n’t see your face, hear your laugh, or touch your skin. I had my doubts whether you would remember.” Leo says in sadness.
My head swims in a foggy haze at the sound of his voice. I snap out of it quickly, reminded that if my heart could see fit to find purpose, it wouldn’t be for love. The thought of Leo, it doesn’t settle in my heart. It’s like a faded memory in the back of my mind. I had loved. I had loved the most important person in my life and then, I suffered the loss. I will not go through that again. Not for anyone.
“Leo?” I ask barely audible. “What did you do?” My question surprises me. I thought there would be more to it but my mouth just stops.
“Do you trust me Kimber?” Leo asks out of nowhere. It feels like a loaded question. In a physical sense, I do not know Leo but mentally, it feels like we have spent lifetimes together. “It’s ok.” He says before I can answer. “Maybe I taught you a thing or two after all.” He pauses. Maybe he’s waiting for me to say something. I don’t. “How are you?”
I take a deep breath and with a whoosh of air spill the words out before I can take them back.
“Leo, I have this need living inside of me. I can’t remember you or make any rational sense of anything.” I stop hating that I sound forward, desperate and needy.
“Kimber, I’m not coming back. What you think is real, isn’t. I can’t undo what I’ve done, so learn to hate me and move forward.”
“I don’t know what you’ve done but I won’t hate you just because you tell me to.”
“I’ve lied and hidden things from you. I left the night before your mother’s memorial because I couldn’t look at you anymore and see what I wanted.” His words puncher a hole through the middle of me.
I pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it. I don’t know what angers me more, his insult or how shitty and narcissistic he wants me to believe he is. Either way he gets what he wants. I bite back as any other girl would. Low and swift.
“Well thanks for the favor. It’s good to know when I’ve wasted my time. Now I can focus on a real relationship with Luke, a man who looks at me and actually sees what he wants.” Sure, I might be using what Luke said about his friendship with Leo to my advantage and I know what kind of girl that makes me, but he called war first.
I didn’t expect Leo’s change in battle tactic so soon. As he speaks his voice turns dark, irritated. “Luke.” He spits the name out as if it gives him a bad taste.
“Yeah Luke. I do have needs, Leo.” I hadn’t figured out what they were yet but I’m sure I have them. “I need someone who won’t repeat past mistakes and walk out on me.”
“That dipstick cares about one thing, himself.” I don’t know if it’s the term dipstick or the Aussie-ish accent he uses when saying it, that throws me off.
“What?” I’ve lost track of the topic. His accent stirs something in me.
“ I’ve known Luke a long time. He’ll put on a good show but he’ll drop you when he realizes he can’t truly have you.”
“Really. I have no idea what it is…why I feel like I do with you but I’m sorry for it. You’re like a bipolar freak with a bad Australian accent.”
“New Zealand, aroha. Keep thinking that way and we’ll both be safe. I gotta’ go.”
Frustrated I drop the phone onto the bed. My mind goes blank. I was a fool to think this would help. I’ve seen enough chick flicks to know the whole, I’ve done something and need you to hate me so I can feel better, plot. Only I can’t figure out the reason behind it all. How atrocious was our relationship that he’d take off and leave me the night before my mother’s memorial? What kind of evil does that? And what the hell does aroha mean?
I grab my laptop from the dresser and once my Google home page pops up I type in, Aroha. I don’t need to click on a link. The definition is already there.
Aroha: meaning love in Maori, New Zealand.
If my heart was capable of swooning on cue, it would.
I erase the call from the call log on Luke’s phone. I creep back down the stairs. Luke lies in the same position as before. I slip his phone back on the coffee table and leap back up the stairs. Just as my foot clears the last step, I hear the alarm on Luke’s phone go off. I hop back in my bed and fake a deep sleep, waiting for him to come and wake me.
Chapter Eight
OUR FLIGHT LEAVES on time. We have a two-hour layover in Nashville and then shoot straight to New York. During the flight, my conscience tries to guilt me into telling Luke about my call to Leo. But I keep it locked behind tight lips, still confused and overwhelmed.
Once we’re off the plane, all we have to go on is that my aunt lives somewhere in the Adirondacks, in a small town between Lake Placid and Saranac Lake.
We grab our bags and head to the rental car desk. I’ve only been out of Florida once when I was a child. I do not recall seeing mountains. In Florida, every small hill here or there is manmade. So when the car woman pulls out a map and gives Luke instructions, I start to feel uneasy. I hate heights! Luke takes my hand and leads me to our car.
“Alright over there?” He asks.
“I don’t think I like mountains. Let alone going up one. What if the car topples over and we fall off? What if a boulder comes crashing down and smashes us? Or worse, the car breaks down?”
I could ramble on. I could form a laundry list of reasons why the color of my face is becoming green. Luke runs his hand down my arm to my hand and wraps his fingers in mine. I know it’s ok to let go. Ok to feel safe with him in the driver’s seat. He smiles at me with his soft blue eyes and kisses my worry away.
The road is narrow but thankfully nearly empty of passing cars. Massively tall and full green trees line the road on both sides. White snow speckles their branches and covers the mountain terrain. It is an amazing sight to see snow for the first time. Every now and again, there is a clearing and I catch a glimpse of the majestic white peaks of the mountains. Never have I seen anything so magical. A part of me feels insignificant compared to the vast open ridges of rock surrounding me. Out of my window, I catch a glimpse of a small brook amid the woods carved out over small rocks. Everything, from the crisp clean air to the sight of frozen waterfalls as we pass by is mesmerizing. Back in Florida the beaches are beautiful, the sunsets are moving, the ocean is endless, and the hurricanes give you an importance and appreciation for life. Being on this mountain, I realize the world expands so much farther than my home town. There is so much more than just hot weather and sand to offer.
I take it all in. I think of how far I’ve come. How fast I’ve been forced to grow in such a short time. I know I’m not the old Kimber. I’m no longer fragile, naïve or feel obligated to adhere to other people’s feelings or expectations. I can think outside the box, see the world for as dark as it really is and I’m brave enough to walk through it.
The drive seems to take forever until we come across a small sign. The leaves of large trees cover it almost completely. GREEN POINT VILLLAGE WELCOMES YOU, it reads.
Luke decides to stop and get a better idea of where we are going. We find the village a few miles from the first sign. It sits along a small road, Main Street.
We pull up to a small hardware store. Since it’s around lunch time, I had imagined such a small town would be buzzing with people but instead this store seems to be the only thing open.
“Damn, is this village smack dab in the middle of nowhere or what?” Luke says noticing that Main Street is no bigger than the length of a football field. “It’s the perfect place for one of those horror films. The nearest city is hundreds of miles away. One poor cop to look after the whole mountain. Nowhere to go but down.” Luke speaks in an eerie tone, wiggling his fingers in front of me.
“It’s definitely a born here die here town.” I say entering the store.
We walk to the counter and ring a bell to announce our arrival. The storeowner greets us. If the looks of this old man, in a flannel shirt and paint splattered overalls, is any indication of what awaits us in this town, we are reall
y going to stick out.
“Sir, would you know if there is a mental institution in this area?” I keep my voice to an almost whisper even though it is just the three of us in the store.
“As it just so happens I do, pretty lady. You’re not that far from it. I’d say it’s about three miles up the road.”
“Thank you so much.” I say heading out of the store. Around the corner Luke and I spot a small two story hotel squeezed between a diner and a laundry mat.
“It’s not the Ritz but I’m sure it’s the best they have.” Luke shrugs his shoulders.
We look at each other and sadly realize it’s probably true. We can’t help but break out laughing. Here we are on this majestic mountain and this rinky-dink town is where we get stuck?
At the Mountain Tree Hotel, we take a room that is poorly decorated in a horrible recreation of the sixties or actually not so much a recreation as it hasn’t been decorated since the sixties. Even with jetlag and after driving for a few hours, we don’t take time to rest. We grab brochures off the nightstand and head out to the diner next door.
“The old man was right.” Luke says lifting his head from a map. I take another bite of my turkey sandwich. “Adirondacks Mental Facility. It’s closer than three miles. We can try walkin’ there if you want.”
“Yeah, ok.” I say as unenthusiastic as I feel about wondering around an enormous mountain, a wilderness that eats up tourists like me.
“What? What’s that face for?”
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea? I mean, she could’ve been released. There’s no guarantee we’ll find her. Maybe we should just leave this hick town, go to the city.”
“Don’t psych yourself out over this. You’re gettin’ cold feet.”
“So?”
“Alright, but what do ya say we check this place out first, so we can say we tried.”