by Sarah Denier
“What?” I laugh. “Is that even a real accent?”
“Aye. I’m proud to be a New Zealander.”
“I would have said Aussie.”
“I’ll let that go.” He jokes smiling out at the road.
“So what does it mean, away with the fairies?”
“It means someone’s daydreaming.”
“Daydreams, they’re nothing more than empty wishes.”
I’m such an idiot. Here he is trying to start a light conversation and I killed it. The awkward clearing of his throat confirms my suspicion. I sink back into my seat.
“If you get tired we could pull over; get a room.”
I look warily at him. “Thanks, but I’ll be ok.”
“I didn’t.” He pauses and starts again. “I just thought.” He sighs this time quitting before digging himself deeper. Why does it seem impossible for us to be able to talk and maybe say the right thing?
“Look, why don’t we stop this.”
“Stop what?” On impulse I sit up a little straighter.
“Acting like we’re strangers.”
I stare at him from across the car. There’s a small bump on the bridge of his nose. Maybe it was once broken. With every street light we pass, I look for some sort of resemblance to a person I once knew.
“To me, you are a stranger.”
What is he doing? I start to panic as Leo veers onto the shoulder and places the truck in park.
“Kimber.”
“No.” I blurt out.
“I wasn’t going to ask you a question.”
I dare to look at him. His gray eyes are hypnotizing. “I want to clear the air. I did the wrong thing by coming back. Now I fear I can’t leave.” I nod even though I know he still hasn’t asked any questions. His thick lashes fold down instead of out. I try to imagine how he can see through them. “I don’t regret what I did. I won’t ask for forgiveness.”
His words are like a sobering splash of cold water. “You should. You’d never get my forgiveness, but you should want it. How cold are you to leave someone you love in that condition, at that time?”
“Love?”
I sit back, wounded by his question. “You loved me. I still feel it.”
I wonder if he’ll deny it? I know it’s the truth. I’ve felt a part of him with me this whole time. It’s why subconsciously I couldn’t forget him.
In the darkness of the trucks cabin, Leo smiles, satisfied with my realization. “Like amnesia.”
“Ok, I don’t know what that means.” I say aggravated. I hate his little hidden messages and how just when something about him clicks inside me, he ruins it by talking.
“How about this. Why don’t I tell you a little something about me?”
He looks at me to see if I’m up for it. I shrug. Whatever, at most maybe I’ll remember something.
“Four years ago while my father and I were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico we got caught in a storm we didn’t see coming. The waves rammed the boat causing the engine to stall. While I tried to fasten my life jacket, a swell hit our boat knocking me into the water. My father had no time to reach for me or throw in the life raft before I went under. The waves swallowed me. I can’t remember exactly what it felt like to drown but I can remember what I heard as I slowly sank toward the bottom of the Gulf. It wasn’t an out of body experience. I didn’t see a bright white light. There was just a siren. It was loud and made every muscle in me ache. I remember screaming. Maybe it was the water pressure but it felt like I was being broken. I remember thinking I was going to die and all I wanted was to say goodbye to you.”
I turn to the window so he can’t see the tear I wipe from my eye.
“Somehow I managed to surface. I woke in the hospital two days later feeling reborn. You were the first person I saw. You were so worried and panicked. I don’t think you slept the whole time I was out. I made a promise to you that day. I’ve spent every waking moment keeping it.”
I clear my throat and whisper in the cabin of the truck, “Why tell me this?”
“Because you can look at me and hate me for what I did. I need you to understand.”
“What? Why? So you can sleep at night? You did what you did. The way I look at you, what else am I suppose to see?”
He portrays no sign of attempting to answer me. As if the last few moments never happened he sits there unaffected and untouched by what’s been said. I hate how guys can withdraw all emotion so easily and at will.
He pulls back onto the road driving us into the night.
Just as the sun is threatening to light the sky, Leo pulls into the parking garage of my condominium. He parks by the elevators and turns the ignition off.
I don’t know what or if anything official should be said. For the last few hours I’ve driven myself crazy with questions just to sit here now with no answers. I’m no closer to remembering him or understanding why I can’t. All I want to do is look in his hazel eyes and hear him talk without denying his accent. I want to know him, to feel him, to see things he keeps from everyone else. To him I want to be seen as important but it’s all a foolish daydream. To love him the way I fear I might means I’d have to open a part of me to which I have no key. The thought itself is terrifying. I take a few deep breaths to fight the onset of a panic attack.
“I can walk you up.”
“Um, no that’s ok.” Please walk me up, I beg in my mind.
“Ok.”
He runs his hands up his face and through his hair. His hands cup the back of his head as he yawns and arches his back. As his arms come back down his right brushes against my left on the center console. A humming vibe flows through me. I feel warm and relaxed. I sit for a second enjoying the feel. It’s inviting and temps me to touch him again. I keep my hand stationary while stretching my pinky finger out towards the edge of his hand. I’m just about to reach it when the silence in the cabin is broken. It snaps me out of my stupor.
I don’t recognize the ring tone. It’s not my phone but his. He fishes it out of his pocket. He pays no attention to who the caller is as he ignores the call.
As I look at the phone in his hand I recall the night we spoke. I wonder where he went once he left me. I wonder what this moment would have been like had he not left. Though none of it changes what he did and the fact that I can’t forgive it. I’m better on my own. I can survive if there’s none to take me down.
His phone rings again. He ignores it only to have the persistent caller call again. I start to think maybe he hasn’t answered it because he doesn’t want me to hear the conversation. Then I start to question why I’m even still sitting here. He asked if he could walk me up to my condo and I said no. So why am I torturing myself? I grab my purse and reach for the door handle. I’m stopped by Leo’s hand on my forearm.
“Can you wait a second?” I nod resting my purse on my lap.
“Hello.” Leo says finally answering his phone. Silence. “About what time?” Silence. “Where?” Silence. “Ok, bye.”
He hits the end button while saying, “That was Lena. She says happy birthday.”
“She called you to tell me that? Why not just call me?”
“Your phone is dead.” I open my purse and find my phone completely dead. I toss it back in.
“You know, about Lena?” I ask because I assume he does. Then I remember the rule about assuming.
“Yes. I know how gifted Lena is.”
“Did she have a vision or something? I mean, is that why she called?”
“No vision. She just wanted to know you made it home safely.”
I know it’s a lie the moment he says it. No answer he gave Lena referred to my safety or me in general. But why lie? He has to know that I could just call Lena and ask her myself. I’m too aggravated to stay here any longer.
“Is there a reason you asked me to wait?” I’m sure he can make out the unpleasant tone in my voice. My hand grips the door handle waiting to pull.
“No.” He says with a cocky smile. L
ike he only said it to see if I’d obey. I was stupid enough to.
I push the heavy door open and before I can get it closed Leo starts his loud truck and puts it in drive. From inside the elevator I watch him pull away.
Chapter Thirteen
IT’S NEARLY ONE in the afternoon by the time I wake up. I stretch slowly as I get out of bed. I head to the shower where I’m determined to get the smell and feel of Leo off of me. Instead all I seem to do is cry. I don’t even know I’m crying until my eyes start to burn. I just feel hopeless. Nothing makes any sense. I ditched my friends and now I’m sure they’ll be pissed at me. Luke and I will never be the same. And I can’t even begin to explore the magnitude of complications involving Leo. I long for my mother. For someone to understand and say things that force me to a decision. My mother always told me, “Don’t delay the future. There is never not a choice. It’s yes or no, will or won’t.”
By three I still haven’t heard from Amber or anyone else. I guess they found my note and saw fit to give me the silent treatment. I would rather they just yelled at me.
With nowhere to go and no one in town to do anything with, I find myself cleaning the condo. I turn the stereo on and up. “Hello Cold World” by Paramore starts to blare from my speakers. It reminds me of Leo and how he knew this is my favorite band.
“Great!” I say vigorously hitting the eject button until it spits the CD out. I fling the CD across the room, regretting it immediately. Pissed off that I will forever associate Paramore with Leo. I opt for Shania Twain. She was my mother’s favorite and by the time my condo is sparkling I’m full of girl empowerment. Men, who needs ‘em?
Lazily I lounge around the house until finally, it’s either go to the store or I don’t eat.
I’m just a few feet away from my front door when the doorbell rings. Instantly I assume it’s Amber. That she’s back and came to ream me out in person. I take a step closer to the door. Then from nowhere, it hits me. My intuition, a gut feeling filled with anxiety. It warns me against moving. I hesitate with no real explanation. The ringing of the doorbell becomes a gentle knock before turning into pounding. My heart races. Amber wouldn’t knock like that.
Frantically I look around the living room, my mind working against me. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. As much as I hate it, I take the only solution I can think of. Leo.
“Shit!” I whisper as I realize I don’t have Leo’s number.
The door knob begins to rattle. The sound of it raises my anxiety to panic. I run back to my bedroom where I lock the door and prepare to dial nine one one. How can I be this easy of a victim? After all that’s happened why isn’t my first instinct to fight?
I hear the front door open as someone storms in. “Kimber! You here?”
“Luke?”
That was stupid! If it isn’t Luke, then I’ve just announced to the intruder that I’m here and in the bedroom.
“Kimber?”
This time, I’m sure it’s Luke. My heart relaxes but my hands still shake. I open my bedroom door to see Luke flustered, visibly upset. I feel silly for getting so worked up. I forgot I’d given him a spare key when I moved in.
“God, I’ve been worried sick!”
Hearing him and seeing the worried look on his face makes me feel awful about ditching everyone last night but not so awful that I’ve forgotten all of the nasty and hurtful things he said outside the night club.
“What happened to you last night? I spent hours lookin’ for you.”
“Clearly you can see I’m fine. Relax. I left a note.”
Then I think of how it’s going to look. How right after our break up I left Miami with Leo.
“There wasn’t a note the first time I checked the boat or after the two hours I spent lookin’ for you.”
“So, what do you want from me? I left a note, Luke. You didn’t get it, too bad.” I know I sound like a cold bitch but he doesn’t deserve better. Especially since last night and the eye opening revelation of the way he sees me.
“I looked for you so I could apologize. I was a dick.”
“You’re a lot more than that.”
“He’s back isn’t he?” He asks the question but it’s clear he knows. I cross my arms over my chest. My lack of an answer is his confirmation. He nods silently. “I asked Amber last night if she’d seen you. She said you were with Leo.”
It’s impossible. Amber made no mention of having known Leo. No one had but Luke and Mike D.. I didn’t write anything about Leo in the note left on the boat. But it makes no sense that Amber would lie to me. It’s not like her. So how could she know?
“Has he come back to break the rest of your heart?” Luke sneers.
“Like you’re any better. Don’t stand here trying to be all self righteous.”
“All he ever does is lie to you and leave you. I wanna be with you, help you move forward.”
“I don’t need you for that!” My hands clench into fists.
“I know what I did and I’m sorry. But it doesn’t compare to what he’s done. To what he will do.”
“What are talking about?” I yell. I can’t take it anymore. “Stop! Stop fighting with him through me! I won’t be pushed back and forth between you both.”
“I don’t want you to be. He’s not right Kimber. Let me protect you!”
“Get out!” I scream.
Luke’s hands form into fists. My living room suddenly feels small. “I’ll prove it to you, then you’ll believe me. I know what he does. What he doesn’t want you to see. Don’t underestimate me Kimber. This ain’t over yet.” Luke hisses with a dark tone.
“Go.” I say with less vigor.
Luke shakes his head and sighs. “Tell Leo I can’t wait to catch up.” He says before flinging the door open then slamming it shut.
The ordeal may be over but I’m still trapped in the moment. Quickly I lock the dead bolt. This I know Luke has no key for.
I sit nervously on the couch. The whole conversation runs through my mind. One part sticks out over the rest. There’s something about Leo. Lena and Luke both said it. But what is it? I grab my phone out of my purse to call Lena. Before I can dial, my phone starts to ring. My caller I.D reads, unknown.
I answer it cautiously thinking it could be Luke from a pay phone. “Hello?”
“You alright?” Leo asks urgently.
I have no idea how he has my number but I breathe a sigh of relief.
“A little shaken but I’m fine.”
“Lena called. Said she saw Luke at your house.”
“Um, yeah. He just left.”
“Did he hurt you?” Leo’s breath comes in heavy waves. When I tell him no, he calms down. “What did he want?”
“To know that I was ok. But, he’s pissed.”
“Because I’m back.”
“Yeah.”
“Some people never change.” I’d beg to differ. I’ve seen Luke change more than I’d like.
“He’ll cool off. Don’t go looking for trouble.”
“I don’t have to. He’s in your parking garage.”
“What?”
“Stay upstairs Kimber.”
“Leo! Leo! Hello?” I look at my phone to see Leo has already hung up. “Damn!” I stand and pace the room.
There is only one outcome if Luke and Leo are together in the same area. I know without a doubt it won’t be words they use to work things out. It will be violence. I have to get down there. I have to try to stop it.
I shove my phone in my pocket, unlock my door and run past the elevator to the stairway. I fly down five flights of stairs until I come to the parking garage. I have trouble with the door. My body and mind are moving too fast for my hands to follow orders. I push up against the door and twist the knob until it finally gives.
As soon as I’m in the parking garage I hear them arguing. I just don’t know where the voices are coming from. I hear the echoes of their words bouncing off the walls. I take off running not knowing which direction to go in. I focus
on Leo’s voice and follow it to where it sounds the loudest.
I’m winded by the time I see them standing in front of Leo’s truck. They’re inches away from one another. Their bodies are rigid with anger as they stand waiting for the other to make the last and final move.
“Stop!” I try to call out but my lungs fight for air. I wheeze with every breath.
In the heat of the moment, they don’t realize that I’m standing thirty feet or so away from them. I’m hunched over trying to catch my breath. Their argument rages on. Never straying far from the two topics that fuel the fire. Betrayal of their friendship and me.
“Let it go! She’s not a concern to you anymore Luke.” Leo’s voice is cold, threatening and sends a shiver up my spine.
“You can’t stop it! You won’t stand in the way for long.”
“In the way of what? Disappointment? All you had to do was watch over her. Instead you fool yourself into thinking you could have her!”
“Bullshit! You lied to her and now she’ll never know. I won’t let you do it again!” Luke yells furiously.
“Stop it!” I scream finally able to breathe.
My voice catches Leo’s attention. He realizes what I’ve heard. Luke follows Leo’s gaze and once he sees the distraction he uses it. He delivers the first punch. He lands it on the bottom left corner of Leo’s chin. Leo stumbles for a second, though he never really loses his balance.
Then it happens. There’s a break in Leo and suddenly the energy around him changes. This must be what Lena and Luke had mentioned.
With one smooth, swift calculated hit Leo breaks Luke’s nose. Blood flows down his face as he tries to regain his balance to stand. He doesn’t moan with pain and Leo doesn’t stop. Luke swings blinded by the swelling. He steps to his left and into the full impact of Leo charging. Luke slams against a car before they both fall to the ground.
I turn away from them. I wish there was something I could do. I turn my head back to see Leo standing over Luke, hitting him with blow after blow.
Finally Leo stops, allowing Luke to stand. He spits blood and laughs before the fight continues.