by Karen Booth
A low grumble escaped Logan’s throat. “Love isn’t a destination. It takes work. A lot of work. And you’re being so stubborn about this.”
“I have no choice but to be exactly that, Logan. I can’t let you break my heart again. It nearly killed me the first time.”
Nearly killed me. “Then we work it out. Again.” He couldn’t hide his irritation with all of this.
She shook her head, tears welling at the corners of her eyes. “My original plan was the safest. You and I make great friends. We make great lovers. I think we’ll make a good mom and dad, but I think those are separate things now. I don’t know that we’ll make a good husband and wife.”
“What are you saying?”
She wrapped her arms around her waist, tears now rolling down her cheek.
“No. No. Jules, don’t bail on me.” It felt as if his stomach was diving for the floor. This was classic Julia—form an opinion and steamroller ahead, even when her take on things might not be based in reality.
“You know what, Logan? This is part of me correcting my past mistakes. You said you didn’t want to be with me when I viewed you as a project. Well, this is me telling you that you’re not a project. You don’t want me to fix you, fine. I’m done fixing. You figure it out.”
“Hoping that the baby will be mine isn’t the most selfish thing in the world. It’s human. I’m human.”
She shook her head. “Do you have any idea how lonely I felt the day I found I was pregnant? That was supposed to be a purely happy day. But all I could do was wonder how I was going to make this work.” Her hand went to her belly, cupping the tiny mound that was there. “This child needs love, Logan. Pure and simple. Doesn’t matter what color his skin is or how tall she ends up being. In the end, this tiny human being growing inside me is going to need love. If I have to be the only person who gives it, I’ll do that. Because I can’t sit by and wonder if and when you’re going to get with the program. I won’t do it. It’s one thing when it’s my heart on the line, but I won’t hurt this child.”
“I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m just being honest.”
Now the tears were really streaming down Julia’s face, streaking her makeup and blanching her skin. “You questioned my stance on the paternity test, but this is the exact moment I feared. I knew that the minute I did and we got an answer you weren’t going to like, that would be the end of Logan and Julia, forever. I wasn’t ready to shut the door on us. But unfortunately, this just makes it feel like you do. I can’t let you do it again, Logan. I have to be stronger than that.”
“Jules. Come on. Let’s just talk. I beg you.”
“I can’t stay. Not like this.” With a swish of her dress, she was gone. Straight down the aisle and right out of his life.
* * *
I should’ve known. I should’ve known it was too good to be true. Things aren’t perfect for Logan and he has to take off. Just like last time.
Julia raced down the hall to the room where her sister was getting ready. She stopped in the doorway, unable to step inside, although she wasn’t sure why. Her mom was there, standing by Tracy’s side.
“No tears.” Tracy looked into the vanity mirror as she adjusted a clip in her hair. “There will be no tears on my wedding day.”
“The mother of the bride is entitled to cry, honey. It’s practically a tradition.” Their mother pulled a tissue from her purse and blew her nose.
Julia stood frozen, sucking in deep breaths as inconspicuously as possible. And to think she’d been worried that flowers or cakes or of course, her pregnancy secret might ruin her sister’s wedding. The reality was she was one unkind word away from collapsing into a pathetic pile of pink organza on the floor.
“Hey, Jules. I didn’t see you there,” Tracy said.
“Yep. Just got here.” Julia’s lip trembled, but she tried to ignore it.
“Everything good?” Tracy asked.
“Yes. Of course.” Her sister would have her perfect day if it killed her. Which meant Julia had to keep her desire to blubber her eyes out to herself.
“Are you okay, darling? Your voice sounds funny. And why are you practically standing out in the hall? Come inside or Carter might try to sneak a peek at the bride.”
Julia stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. “I’m fine. Just a little choked up, that’s all. It’s Tracy’s big day and we’ve been waiting for it for so long. I’m so incredibly happy for her.”
Tracy caught her sister’s gaze in the reflection of the mirror. She jutted out her lower lip. “Now you’re going to make me cry. That’s the sweetest thing I think you’ve ever said to me. Come here.” Tracy turned and reached for Julia and good God, Jules couldn’t have kept it together if she’d been paid to do it. “I’m so sorry about my behavior over the last few days,” Tracy said. “I know I’ve been hard on you and I’m sorry. Someday, you’ll be in my place and you’ll understand why I got so caught up in everything. I swear, it’ll make you crazy.”
In my place. Julia was convinced she would never, ever be in her sister’s place. Ever. She wasn’t capable of keeping a relationship together. Call it self-sabotage. Call it something else. She messed it up every time, and there was no sign of her changing this pattern any time soon. She and Logan had their breakthrough, the one they’d tried to reach for years. Then it all came tumbling down.
“I’m sorry I caused so many problems. It was never my intention,” Julia said.
“I know you didn’t do it on purpose. And you’ll understand when you’re a bride.”
A single tear leaked from the corner of Julia’s eye and she felt it about to happen—an avalanche of emotion was starting, trembling and quaking, threatening to crush her flimsy composure. “I’m not ever going to be a bride. I’m never going to get married. I’m going to die alone.” The crying started. She’d cried more in the last month than she cared to admit. It wasn’t a good thing to feel so on edge all the time.
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. I get involved with the wrong guys over and over again. I can’t help myself.”
“Did something happen with Logan? I thought you two were working things out.”
“We were, but then he had to go and say something that made me realize he doesn’t really love me the way I need him to love me.”
“What happened?”
Julia got very quiet, realizing there was a lot more to this explanation than simply recounting what happened. “The thing is, about the baby, I’m not sure if it’s his. It might be the boyfriend I had briefly before him.”
“Oh no.” Her mother closed her eyes and scratched her temple.
“Please don’t freak out. I’m sorry I’m dumping all of this on you right now. We have to walk into that church in a few minutes and everything. I just... I thought he and I had worked it out and that he’d come to terms with the possibility that the baby isn’t his, but he clearly still has doubts.”
“Well, of course he has doubts. It’s okay to have doubts,” Tracy said, grabbing a nail file from the vanity and shaping one of her nails. “Carter had all kinds of doubts when we got back together. About whether or not it would work. He was gun-shy, to say the least. I was the one who’d broken up with him, and I think he was afraid I was going to break his heart again.”
Many of Logan’s words echoed in Julia’s head...everything he’d said about the ways in which he’d been sure Julia would break his heart. “But you worked through all of it. You’re getting married. Everything is perfect now.”
“Everything is not perfect. We worked through enough to say that taking a chance on each other is a good idea. It doesn’t mean we don’t still have doubts. That’s just part of being a couple. If you sit around waiting for the moment when everything is perfect, you’re going to miss out on a lot.”
; Julia couldn’t believe what was coming out of Tracy’s mouth. “But Logan said that even though he loves me, he’s still nervous about how he’ll feel if the baby isn’t his. And he was dead-set on getting married two days ago. Now that it’s a little more real, he hasn’t said a word about that. Doesn’t that seem like an awfully damning detail?”
Their mother stepped forward and shook her head. “Jules, do you have any idea what you’re asking of him? It takes a big man to accept another man’s responsibility, if that’s the way this ends up. Of course he’s going to have doubts. He’s a first-time dad. Being a parent means you doubt everything and most of it comes down to worry that you won’t measure up. Look at the relationship he had with his own dad. I’m sure he’s worried about filling those shoes. It’s not necessarily a reflection of you or the way he feels about you. Logan is a good man with a big heart, and he’s wanted to be with you for more than twelve years. I think it’s time you finally gave him the benefit of the doubt.”
Julia’s stomach sank. “So you’re saying I messed up. Again.”
“Yes. Yes, I am.”
Nothing like being real, Mom.
“The good thing about mistakes is they can almost always be fixed.”
A knock came at the door. “Five minutes until we’re ready for the bride.”
“Are you going to be okay, Jules?” Tracy asked.
Once again, totally not okay. Julia composed herself, glancing in the mirror and wiping away a smudge of mascara with her pinkie. “Yes. I’m great. My sister is getting married. That’s all I really care about right now.”
Fourteen
The ceremony was torture. Standing up there, feet away from Logan, all while the room was filled with the heady scent of flowers and the knowledge that everyone in attendance was witnessing true love. Julia knew they were, and she was happy for her sister, but it only underscored one fact—this was one place she would never be.
When it came to the vows, Julia did everything she could to keep it together, but it was nearly impossible. The gasps and cries coming out of her mother in the front row weren’t helping. Then there was Logan. She watched as he listened intently. The man had enough good looks for seven men, but that wasn’t what she loved about him. She loved him for his persistence with her; she loved him for the ways he pushed for what he wanted. She loved him for his heart, which she knew from experience was the best place to ever be.
How could one person be everything she ever wanted and still feel impossible to hold on to? Where was the fairness in that? Nowhere, that’s where. But did it really matter? She might not have pushed him away the last time, but she’d pushed him away today, just as she’d pushed him away before. The pushing had to stop. The insecurities inside her, the ones that said she would never be good enough for him, were just going to have to learn to shut up. She had to make things right. She had to find a way to claim her one millionth chance to turn things around.
When it came time to walk down the aisle with him, she didn’t waste a second. “We have to talk,” she muttered out of the side of her mouth, with a big smile plastered to her face.
Logan smiled, too, but she knew it was for show, not his reaction to her. “Tell me about it.”
They stood in the receiving line for a good half hour, shaking hands, kissing cheeks. Then it was time to go in to the reception. Every time Julia thought she’d catch a stray minute, someone would come up to her and start talking. Or they would drag Logan off to chat with someone else. It was a nightmare—no privacy, no alone time, no chance to just talk this out.
When it came time for toasts, she operated on autopilot. She read it exactly as she’d written it, not nearly as well as Logan, the man with the wonderful way with words. All she could think about was being on the beach a mere twenty-four hours ago, the world falling apart and coming together all at the same time. Her entire existence changed with Logan. It was different. It was better. And she was desperate to get back there. Again. Her mother and sister were right. It was horrible of her to hold Logan to such unrealistic standards.
“Let’s all raise a glass to Tracy and Carter,” she said, lifting her champagne glass, which was full of ginger ale. The bubbles tickled her nose; tears tickled her eyes. The room was so full of love it nearly made her sick. Would Logan accept hers? What reason did he have aside from the baby? It would be easier on him if he just walked away. There was no doubt in her mind about that.
Logan clinked his fork against the side of his glass and stood. His focus was on Tracy and Carter, exactly as it should have been, but she longed for even a glance, a single flicker of his warm eyes. One look that would tell her that everything would be okay. That he would forgive her. “Just as Julia spoke of fate, I had originally planned to talk about the same thing today. And why wouldn’t I? We all look at Tracy and Carter and know that they’re meant to be together. It feels like fate that they found each other. Julia said exactly that.” His normally strong voice wobbled, and he cleared his throat. “But what I want to talk about and toast to is perfection, or more specifically, the need to cast aside the notion of finding the perfect person. Because the truth is that Carter and Tracy aren’t perfect. Neither one of them.”
Carter shrugged and slugged back the last of the champagne in his glass, which brought a laugh from the guests and a welcome moment of levity.
“But together, as a couple, Carter and Tracy are perfect. They are there for each other. They don’t let each other down. And when they do, they know how to say they’re sorry.”
Julia’s breaths had grown so shallow she thought they might evaporate. Was this Logan’s way of telling her that she’d done exactly that? She’d let him down. She would own up to it. She would say she was sorry. If he gave her the chance.
“They know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness,” he continued. “They know to hold on to each other and not let go, because that is more important than anything.”
With that, Logan looked at Julia intently, their gazes connecting, sending a steeplechase of goose bumps over her skin. His expression was difficult to read though and that filled her with familiar doubt. She wanted to think that she saw openness in his incredible eyes. She wanted to believe he would listen to her one more time, and that he wasn’t instead holding her up as an example of the ways people don’t manage to hold on to each other.
Logan turned his sights to the room of family and friends before them. “I’m not perfect,” Logan continued. “I have made every mistake in the book. I have fallen short and I have failed. I’ve failed some of the most important people in my life. I’m not perfect. We’re all imperfect.” He glanced over at Julia again, this time looking much more deeply into her eyes. She was hanging on every word, still finding it nearly impossible to breathe. “But the beautiful thing about life is that if you find another person to love, your imperfections aren’t important. Two imperfect people can make a perfect pair.” He pressed his lips together and looked away. “With that, I want to wish Tracy and Carter a long and happy life together.”
* * *
Logan sat down after his toast, hoping like hell that had done the trick. What else could he do? If Julia had decided that whatever he had to offer simply wasn’t enough, there wasn’t much to be done. How many times could he plead his case? It was nearly impossible to convince her of anything, but at least he could say that he’d made a strong argument.
The DJ made an announcement that it was time for Carter and Tracy’s first dance. He watched as they made their way out to the dance floor, Tracy in her elegant white gown and Carter in his charcoal-gray tux. They seemed as happy as two people could be. I want what they have. His plan to get one step closer to his own wedding now seemed stupid. He should have given Julia the ring yesterday, when she was happy. He should have remembered just how tenuous things were between them and been more mindful of that.
Cart
er and Tracy started their dance, staring into each other’s eyes, and gracefully swaying back and forth in each other’s arms.
Julia, however, was playing musical chairs. She slid into the seat her sister had been occupying minutes ago, one seat closer to him. She patted the empty chair that had been Carter’s. “Come here,” she whispered.
He nearly asked if this was a trick, but he couldn’t deny his natural inclination to want to be closer to her. He obliged. “Yes?”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said that we need to talk.”
“Okay. When?”
“Now?”
“The bride and groom are having their first dance. Don’t you think we should stay to see that?”
She looked out at the dance floor and bobbed her head three times. “Okay. We saw it. Time to talk.”
He laughed quietly. “For someone who was so concerned with making her sister happy, you don’t seem to care much about it now.”
She grasped his arm and squeezed, hard. “I’m more concerned with making us happy.”
His breath caught in his throat. Maybe his speech really had worked. “Okay. Where?”
“Come with me.” She took his hand and they made a careful and quiet exit, going out through the side of the reception hall, outside, and up a set of stairs to a wide stone balcony with a view of the Cape Fear River running alongside the downtown river walk.
When she stopped, she turned to him and took both hands, squinting into the sun. “I’m an idiot. I’m a total dummy and you’re just going to have to find a way to forgive me. Let’s get a paternity test right away. I’ll do anything I can to have a shot at keeping you for real. We’ll put all of it to rest and I’ll have to trust that fate will keep us together somehow. We’ll just do it. Rip it off like a Band-Aid.”
If only she knew the thoughts that had run through his head during the ceremony, about the things he’d said. “We don’t have to rely on fate, Jules. I don’t want a paternity test. Frankly, you’re as much of a test as I can handle.”