by Fiona Field
‘Yes?’
‘I’m going to have to ask for a posting.’
Sam turned her head on her pillow. ‘Posting?’
‘I can’t stay in the LAD with you. Not after…’
‘Not after the way things have changed between us?’
Luke gazed across the space between the two beds. ‘No.’
Sam stared again at the ceiling. She knew he was right. No, he couldn’t stay with 1 Herts. Sooner or later the fact that they had fallen in love would get in the way of their work and the difference in their ranks would make life difficult. And apart from anything else, the fact that it was now common knowledge in the battalion that Luke was the CLF’s son was going to make life awkward for almost everyone. Better, much better, that he slide off to another posting where he might enjoy some anonymity for a while, if that’s what he still wanted.
‘I could resign my commission,’ she offered. ‘I could get a job near your next posting.’
‘No! If you did that I’d worry that one day you’d blame me for not achieving your potential. Maybe in a few years… maybe when you’ve got fed up with being mucked around by the army…’ Luke paused. ‘I could put my notice in, rather than you leave the army.’
Sam shook her head. ‘The army would still disapprove if we got together. They’d know I was dating a soldier. They wouldn’t do anything obvious but I’d be bound to get a succession of postings to the Falklands or some training establishment miles from civilisation and where there wouldn’t be a quarter available. Anything to keep you and me apart.’
‘It just isn’t going to work,’ said Luke, ‘is it?’
‘No,’ said Sam, feeling tears trickle down her temples into her hairline. ‘No, it would never have worked.’
Maddy was feeling hugely rested when Seb returned later that evening.
‘You are so clever,’ he said, kissing her nose. ‘Our daughter is the most beautiful baby. And I admit,’ added Seb, somewhat sheepishly, ‘I called in on her before I came to you.’
Maddy smiled. ‘I was in the baby unit an hour ago, giving her a feed and a clean nappy. She’s very dinky, isn’t she?’
‘Did you feed her?’ Seb sounded astounded. ‘But she’s got a tube.’
‘I had a go. We didn’t get on very well so they topped her up through the tube.’
‘And how about you?’
‘They sent me back to the ward to get my supper and to see you. They say I can be discharged this evening.’
‘Really?’ Seb looked over the moon. ‘That’s the best news.’ He glanced at the door. ‘We could celebrate.’ He swung a backpack onto the bed and unzipped it. Sam could see the foil top of a bottle of fizz.
‘Or we could celebrate at home?’
‘We could. With your mother.’
‘She’s not so bad,’ said Maddy staunchly. ‘And I’d like to see Nathan.’
‘All right,’ said Seb. ‘So when’ll you be getting out of here?’
‘The doc’s coming round in a minute. As soon as I’ve got the all-clear, I can go. Why don’t you go and keep junior company? I’ll wait to see the doc and then I’ll get dressed and you can take me home.’
‘Sounds like a plan.’ Seb was about to leave when he turned. ‘By the way, did you hear about Sam Lewis?’
‘No, should I have done?’
‘Well, if you put the TV onto the BBC news you’ll probably find out.’
‘It’s nothing awful, is it?’
‘Not now. She’s had a bit of an adventure in Kenya. The BBC are full of it as they had a reporter out there in the thick of it.’
Seb left and Maddy switched on her TV. A couple of minutes after she found the BBC’s rolling news channel she was transfixed. Bloody hell!
Six weeks later, the exercise was over, the RAF transports had finished ferrying 1 Herts back to the UK, and most of the chaos caused by moving a whole battalion to Africa and then back again had been sorted out. The weapons were back in the armoury, the remaining specialist kit had been returned to the Q stores, the post-exercise reports had been written and, with everything squared away, the CO cleared his troops for two weeks’ post-exercise leave. During the exercise James had been on the ranges in Kenya and Sam, once she was passed fully fit, had been busy at the workshop in Laikipia, and then, having returned to England, last few days in the barracks had been madness itself. Consequently their paths hadn’t crossed for weeks. But, finally, order had been restored and now, the night before block leave started, the old routines were well and truly back to normal.
James and Sam were sitting together in the anteroom after dinner. They were on their own as all the other livers-in had disappeared off to sort out their packing or make sure their washing was done and their kit was squared away, so, on their return from leave, they could hit the ground running.
While they both drank coffee James studied Sam as she faffed with the sudoku in the paper. She had definitely changed. The fun and flirty Sam had gone and in her place was a quieter, more serious clone – or maybe he was reading too much into things. Maybe she was just knackered and ready for her leave. Or maybe she was sad because Blake had been posted out of the battalion with lightning speed. Had his posting got anything to do with the body language between the two that he’d spotted back at Archers Post? Had the authorities found out too and pre-empted the awkward situation, or had Blake and Sam agreed it was for the best and arranged his posting by mutual consent? Or was it just coincidence? James longed to ask what had gone on when the pair had been lost but he had a pretty shrewd idea that even if he did, he wouldn’t get a straight answer from Sam.
‘You looking forward to your leave?’ he said as she threw the paper back onto the table, the sudoku defeating her.
‘Of course. Dad says he’s going to come down to my gran and grandpa’s too. I can’t remember the last time we were both there together. Not for a proper holiday, anyway. He used to drop me off or pick me up. Gran’s thrilled too. It’s a big step for him – well, it’s a big step for all of us.’
‘So it’s all holding together?’ he asked and Sam nodded. ‘I’m glad.’
‘What about you? Going home to your folks?’
James nodded. ‘Yup, a fortnight of Mum’s baking and Dad’s G and Ts should undo all the good that yomping around Kenya did for me.’ He patted his stomach in anticipation. ‘You’ll have a nice time at your gran’s,’ he said. ‘You spending the full two weeks there?’
‘Can’t think of a better place for a bit of R and R. And Michelle might come down too. Remember her?’
Of course he did. ‘You’ll have fun,’ he said. ‘No chance of boredom setting in with her around. Well, as long as she’s not still stressing about that bloke of hers.’
‘No, that’s all in the past.’
‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance of you getting up to Guildford?’
‘James…’ She shook her head. ‘You know I’d love to see you and your folks but I think I need the time with Dad more.’
‘I understand.’
She stood up to go. ‘I must go and pack – early start tomorrow. I’ll see you when I get back. Have fun.’ She leaned down and brushed his cheek with her lips.
James stared up at her. For a mad moment he wondered if she was sending him a signal about their relationship. He toyed with the idea of telling her that although he was very fond of her and liked being her friend, that was all it could ever be. But instead he said, ‘You have fun too.’
‘Cheers,’ she said lightly, although her expression suggested an underlying sadness.
James truly hoped she’d find happiness again soon. She deserved it, but it wouldn’t be with him.
Maddy could hardly believe it. It was nine in the morning and here she was, lying in bed, with breakfast on a tray and the papers. Rose was in her Moses basket beside her, and Seb had called up the stairs to tell her that he and Nate were off to the play park.
She smiled to herself. Seb had certainly changed in the f
atherhood department. He couldn’t be attentive enough. He even lent a hand with the cooking and the washing up, and asked, actually asked, if it was all right for him to go to the gym to train. And he’d been as good as his word and had stopped working for army rowing so he was home every weekend. No more endless training, no more weekend regattas, no more excuses why he couldn’t help out with the house or the kids. Maddy nibbled on a piece of toast and brushed the crumbs off her nightie. Maybe Michelle had done them a favour. Not that Seb would ever know that she knew the reason for his transformation. Of course, if Seb ever transgressed again she’d batter him to death with a meat mallet, but she didn’t think he would. Besides, now they had a boy and a girl they both agreed they had a perfect family so there was no need to even think about having a third child. No more morning sickness, no more being fat and bloated, and no more not fancying sex as a result.
Maddy knew it took two to make a marriage work, and also for it to go wrong, and she had to shoulder some of the blame herself for being supremely indifferent to Seb’s needs when she’d been expecting little Rose. Well, all that had changed as soon as she’d been able to get back in the saddle, so to speak. She grinned at the memory of that time… and the time after and the time after that… In fact, there had been lots and lots of times since Rose’s birth. She hoped that the precautions she and Seb were taking would hold up until Seb saw the doctor.
And that was another thing – he’d actually agreed to a vasectomy. She’d have put good money on him refusing to have anything to do with the notion. Could all these changes be due to a guilty conscience? Thank you, again, Michelle. No – maybe she wouldn’t go that far.
She heard the front door slam as Nathan and his dad went off for their outing. She picked up her mobile from the bedside table and pressed a couple of buttons.
‘Hi, Jenna,’ she said when her call was answered.
‘Hi, hon,’ said Jenna cheerily. ‘You still OK for me to come and do your hair later?’
‘I am indeed.’ And since Jenna had saved the day when she’d gone into labour Seb could no longer object to her friendship and neither could the other wives on the patch who knew of Jenna’s rather rackety past. Frankly, Jenna couldn’t have picked a better or more public way of getting rehabilitated if she’d planned it. Even Milward had had to adjust his opinion of her. ‘And,’ continued Maddy, ‘Seb’s promised to keep Nathan amused and I doubt if Rose’ll be much trouble.’
‘And how is the little darling?’ said Jenna.
‘Still little, still darling.’
Maddy heard Jenna laugh. ‘That’s good.’ There was a bit of a silence before Jenna said, ‘Um, and there’s something I want to tell you. I want you to be the first to know.’
‘Know what?’
‘Dan and I are expecting.’
Just as well she was lying down, thought Maddy. Receiving a shock like that might have had serious consequences otherwise. ‘No!’
‘Honest.’
‘But I thought you hated kids… well, not hated maybe, but you never seemed to be a fan.’
‘I dunno, seeing little Rose, getting to hold her… Mum never let me touch my brothers and sisters when they were babies. Don’t think she trusted me. She was probably right not to, back then. But holding little Rose made me think I’d like a go at motherhood myself. And Dan was up for it. Anyway, here I am, up the duff. And d’you know, I reckon I might make a half-decent mum.’
‘You’ll be brilliant. And huge congrats to the pair of you.’
‘Thanks. Anyway, see you later.’
Maddy lay back on the pillows. What a turn up that was!
Sam couldn’t believe her ears when Michelle told her what she’d got up to while she’d been in Kenya. She stared at her friend with horror, as she and Michelle strode along a track through the heather across a stretch of Dartmoor, in bright sunshine but with a chill March wind nipping at any bits of exposed skin.
‘You did what? You confronted his wife?’
Michelle shook her head. ‘I know. I must have been mad.’
‘Does Seb know?’
‘I don’t know. We’ve not been in contact – not since he saw me that last time, after that party.’
‘So you went to the house and told Maddy you’d screwed her husband?’
Michelle nodded, her eyes wide with disbelief at what she’d done. ‘I know. I can’t think what I was at. Shit, Sam, I was so lucky I got away with it. But it taught me a lesson.’
‘I should hope so,’ muttered Sam. ‘I mean, why? Why did you tell Maddy?’
Michelle shrugged and then shook her head. ‘I honestly thought she ought to know what her old man was up to.’ She held her hand up. ‘And before you say anything, yes, I was wrong. Completely out of order. But, back then, I wasn’t thinking straight. Sam, I’m not like you. I don’t have your knack of never putting a foot wrong.’
Sam gave her a vague smile. Could she tell Michelle about Luke and just how much of a foot wrong she’d put there? No, not a foot wrong. There had been nothing wrong at all with her relationship with Luke and it would have been perfect if their career choice had been different. She had no regrets whatsoever about what had happened in Kenya but tell Michelle? She loved Michelle but entrust her with a secret…? Never.
‘Oi, Sam, are you listening?’
‘Busted. Sorry, I was just thinking about something.’
Not that Michelle seemed to care what her friend was thinking about because she said, ‘Anyway, there’s this guy…’
‘Really? So you’ve really managed to put that whole Seb mess behind you?’
‘Yeah, I think so, and life seems to be going really well at the moment. Even Dad and I are still seeing eye to eye.’
It was Sam’s turn to shake her head in bewilderment. ‘So you said. I mean, logic tells me that the Seb business should have completely put the skids under your relationship with your dad.’
‘I know. I thought it was going to but…’ Michelle shrugged. ‘But somehow it acted like a boot up the bum. We had this huge shouting match but, for the first time, we told each other stuff – proper stuff about feelings and everything. It was weird – we’d never really talked before and even though we were yelling at each other a whole bunch of truths came out. I mean, it’s still tricky between me and Janine but baby steps… And, hey, you and your father are getting on too. Although, in your case, it’s so much more understandable; you’ve never been the huge disappointment I was and when you were lost he must have really thought…’
‘He did,’ said Sam quietly.
‘So tell me about it? Tell me all about Kenya.’
So Sam told her almost everything – omitting the fact that she and Luke had completely fallen for each other and had mutually agreed, before they’d left Kenya, to end their relationship. They both knew it was doomed, they both knew it wouldn’t work and they both knew it would ruin their careers.
‘So you had no idea who this Corporal Blake’s dad was before you got lost?’
‘Not a Scooby-Doo. I mean, why would you make the connection?’
‘I suppose. But when you were alone together… I mean, didn’t you get close, confide in each other, talk?’
‘I don’t really want to go into it,’ said Sam firmly. ‘It was a really horrid experience and I want to put it behind me.’ Which was a lie, but a believable one.
‘Of course,’ said Michelle, thinking she understood. ‘And I think it’s changed you.’
‘Really?’
‘You seem… very sad. Withdrawn.’
‘I expect I’ll get over it.’ When I move on from Luke. Sam stopped walking and gazed into the distance, at the line of silvery-grey sea, just visible on the horizon.
Epilogue
Sam sat at her office desk, looking out of the window and watching the clouds scud across the sky. Over a year had passed since she and Luke had said farewell, here in this office, a couple of days after they’d returned from Kenya, neither touching the other, main
taining a proper corporal–captain relationship – outwardly at least. And, since then, there hadn’t been a day since when she hadn’t thought about him, wondered what he was doing. During his final interview, they had agreed not to contact each other again, not to follow each other’s career, not to try to find out information.
‘Clean break,’ said Sam. She’d longed to hug him, to kiss him, to relive those moments when the terror of the bush had been at its worst and they had clung together. But the fact that her office was a far from private space meant their behaviour had to be seemly.
‘Yes,’ he’d agreed, although his eyes had signalled his anguish.
‘Good luck in your new posting.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I… The team,’ she corrected herself, swiftly, ‘will miss you.’
She’d watched Luke’s jaw tighten. ‘Thank you… Sam.’ His eyes, no longer angry and disapproving but utterly miserable, had rested on her face.
She remembered how he’d held her, the feel of his body, the smell of his skin. She put it behind her, she had to be resolute. ‘Goodbye, Luke.’ She’d willed herself not to cry.
And then he’d saluted, about-turned and gone. And that was the last she’d seen of him.
And that was when she’d told herself that she had to put everything that had happened in Kenya behind her. Whatever she felt for Luke had to be forgotten. She had to get back on track, pick up the threads of her life before Askari Thunder and move forward. Outwardly she was the same old Sam – professional, clear-headed, organised… outwardly. Inside, she was a mess.
When she was alone she still found herself wondering what Luke was doing and sometimes, in the privacy of her room, she would allow herself to weaken and give in to her emotions. And when she’d blown her nose and pulled herself together she told herself that she’d done the right thing, that a relationship with an other rank would never have worked, that she needed to man up and perhaps, in a few months, she’d feel ready to think about finding another relationship, maybe one that was properly suitable.
Now she understood and empathised with Michelle about her obsession with Seb. Yeah, well, what goes around, comes around. Maybe if she’d been a bit more sympathetic to Michelle she wouldn’t be in such a bad place herself right now.