“I’m Cody.”
“I’m Connor.” Both boys bent over to play with the dog.
“He likes you,” Johnny said to the boys. “He won’t bite even if he jumps a lot. Do you want to go outside and play with Clumsy? He likes to play outside.”
“Can we, Ma?” Both boys implored. Mattie nodded her head, unable to speak. She was still standing there staring at Sal in speechless surprise, her mouth hanging open like a gaping guppy. Again.
She’d had the same reaction the first time she’d laid eyes on Joe, she remembered, but this was different.
“We’ll behave and listen to Johnny,” Cody assured her, wondering why his ma had a funny look on her face.
“It’s fine.” Joe said to Johnny. “Just keep an eye on them.”
“I will, Joey.” Johnny looked at the puppy. “Come on, Clumsy, let’s go outside and play with our new friends.” Waiting for Clumsy to follow—after he’d given Mattie a thorough sniffing—Johnny and the boys trooped out the door, holding hands, while Clumsy slipped and slid behind them, occasionally adding a bark or two. “Maybe later we can watch a movie…” Johnny’s voice trailed softly down the hallway.
“Uh, Mattie?” Joe said, trying not to grin as he gave her a gentle poke with his elbow. “You all right?”
“All right?” she repeated numbly, realizing she was still just standing here staring at Sal Marino with her mouth hanging open like a twitless teenager.
“Yeah, are you all right?” Joe asked again, giving her another gentle poke. “Because I want you to meet my brother Sal.”
With a smile, Sal extended his hand toward her. “Hi, Mattie. It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard quite a lot about you.”
“And I’ve heard a lot about you,” she managed to say once she found her voice.
“Ah, so my brother’s been telling tales from our illustrious youth again, right?”
“Something like that,” she said, somehow managing a smile for him.
Amused, Sal reached up and scratched his forehead. “But I gather from the look on your face, he apparently didn’t tell you…uh…everything?”
“Uh, no. Apparently he forgot to mention a few things.” Mattie glared at Joe.
“What? What?” Joe said innocently, and Mattie couldn’t help it, she gave him a whack on the arm.
“What? What!” She whacked his arm again. “Don’t act innocent. You told me just about everything about Sal and your family, but you didn’t think it was important to tell me your gorgeous brother Sal, the Marino family heartthrob, was a priest?”
“Mattie, come on, you still can’t be ticked about Sal?” With her hand tucked in his, Joe and Mattie walked around the expansive grounds of the home.
Dusk was just settling in, dinner was over, several innings of baseball had been played, and now, Johnny, Cody and Connor, along with Clumsy, were in Johnny’s room watching a movie. Stella had made them some popcorn right before Gina and her brood had to leave, so the boys were quite content to have Johnny all to themselves again.
With a laugh, Mattie shook her head. “I’d say stunned would be more like it.” She glanced at Joe. “You really didn’t think it was important to tell me Sal was a priest?”
Joe shrugged his shoulders. “Not unless you were having erotic fantasies about him.” He turned to her, amusement shimmering in his eyes. “You weren’t, were you?”
Laughing, she tried not to blush. “You loved this, didn’t you? Simply loved seeing me almost drop my teeth when I laid eyes on Sal.”
“Well, you have to admit, it was pretty funny.” Joe bent and picked up a stick, then sent it sailing into a bank of trees that surrounded the grounds.
“Joe?”
“Hmm?”
“Why…why didn’t you tell me about Johnny before today?” she asked softly, trying not to let it hurt, but on some level it did.
Joe shrugged. “I don’t know,” he hedged.
“Did you think I wouldn’t understand or be able to accept him?” The mere thought made her heart ache. That he might think so little of her, even after all this time.
Stunned, Joe came to a stop, then turned to stare into her eyes. “Mattie, I swear, that never crossed my mind.” He laid his hands on her shoulders, enjoying the feel of her. He hadn’t touched her all day, not since he’d kissed her when he arrived at her door, not since their drive up, and he was feeling a bit deprived, needing her touch. “Truly.”
Laying her hands to his chest, Mattie studied his face carefully. “Joe, is this the reason you said you never wanted to get married, never wanted a family of your own? Because of Johnny?” she asked softly.
He was quiet for a long moment, taking her hand and walking toward the bank of trees that surrounded the grounds. Finally, he sighed deeply, then turned to her.
“Yeah.” He hesitated. “And his circumstances, of course.” He hesitated again. “You know how I feel about family?”
“Of course, Joe.” It was one of the things she admired so much about him.
“Well, I’d never walk away from my responsibilities. Not ever. I made a promise to my father on his deathbed, Mattie, and that’s something I take very seriously.” He hesitated, then went on. “If it wasn’t for me, Johnny wouldn’t have had that accident.” The guilt had always felt like a lead weight on his chest, his shoulders.
“Oh, Joe, you can’t believe that.”
“Of course I do, because it’s true. If I hadn’t suggested we race to the park that day, Johnny would never have had that accident.” He’d replayed that day over and over in his mind for years, desperately wanting to change the outcome. “From the day it happened, I knew that no matter what, I’d always take care of him.” He looked at her. “Always. No matter what.” He hesitated for a moment, a shadow passing over his eyes. “I was engaged once, I think I told you that.”
She nodded. “But you said you realized you were making a mistake and broke it off.”
“Well, that’s not quite the truth. Or the whole truth.” Blowing out a breath, Joe glanced around, then took Mattie’s hand and pulled her over to a concrete bench that bordered the lavish lawn. “Have a seat.” She did, and pulled him down next to her. He draped his arm around her and drew her close.
“I met Gloria when she was living in Healing Harbor, attending university. I was a lot younger and it was all heat and fire at first,” he admitted with a sad smile. “We thought we were in love. I asked her to marry me and she said yes.” Joe glanced off into the distance. “She knew about my family, of course, and about Johnny, but to tell you the truth, she wasn’t very comfortable around him.”
“Why?” Mattie asked in genuine surprise.
He smiled sadly, bringing his gaze back to hers. “I guess she’d never been around anyone like him, and claimed she didn’t know how to act. I brought her out here a few times, but to tell you the truth, being here made her visibly uncomfortable. I actually think she was afraid of Johnny, although I can’t possibly imagine why. Anyway, she was also so weird around Johnny that it made him uncomfortable and very self-conscious. He’s not an idiot, Mattie, he can see and hear fine, and he still has feelings.”
“Oh, Joe.” Her heart melting and aching, Mattie reached for his hand, brought it to her lips for a kiss of comfort, then held it tight. “Of course Johnny’s not an idiot. That word would be reserved for your former fiancée.” Wanting to soothe, to comfort him, Mattie kissed his hand again, wishing she could do more. “That must have been terribly difficult for you.”
“Yeah, it was. At first I thought she was just uncomfortable with Johnny, and that was bad enough, since I had no clue what I was going to do about it. But soon it became very clear that she resented the time and attention I gave to him.” He sighed, clinging tighter to her hand. “Anyway, Gloria finally told me that since she was going to be my wife, my first responsibility was to her, not to Johnny.”
“I’m so sorry.” She would never understand such desperately deliberate cruelty. She would give anyt
hing to erase the pain and anguish in his eyes, on his face.
“Yeah, well, so was I, especially when she went on to tell me that she thought it was time I ‘cut the apron strings’ with Johnny and move back to the city with her. She’d just gotten her degree and wanted to pursue a career in the city, where she’d have more opportunities, at least more than she’d have here.” He glanced at Mattie, then shrugged.
“I realized then this was a marriage that just wasn’t going to work. It simply wasn’t fair of me to expect Gloria to make all the sacrifices. Staying in Healing Harbor, having me put Johnny first. It just wasn’t fair to her. I guess I was being selfish and I realized it then.”
She couldn’t believe what he was saying, it was so not Joe. Clearly he was reciting what his former fiancée had told him, believing it to be fact.
“Marriage isn’t about what’s fair, Joe, but about what works best for both people, as a couple. That’s where compromise comes in. If she loved you, truly loved you, these things wouldn’t have been sacrifices but simply accommodations and acceptance of what she needed to do to be with the man she loved. That should have been more important to her than anything else. Just being with you.”
“Should have been, but it wasn’t. She couldn’t get past the fact that I wouldn’t leave Johnny. Gave me an ultimatum.”
“Her or Johnny?” Mattie guessed correctly, and he nodded.
“That’s about it. She told me that I had no right to expect her to live in this one-horse town, as she put it, wasting away, nor did she think it was fair of me to put Johnny’s needs ahead of her desires.”
“Selfish brat,” Mattie muttered, making him laugh.
“No, Mattie, I’ve got to tell you, I could see her point and really couldn’t blame her. She was right on a lot of issues. My wife—any woman—should expect to come first in her husband’s life. I knew that I would never be able to do that, put a woman ahead of my brother and my responsibilities.”
“So that’s why you said you’d never marry?” Mattie said softly, finally understanding Joe’s declaration. His desire not to marry had nothing to do with his being selfish, but more to do with his desire to take care of Johnny.
“Yep, that’s when I realized that I couldn’t in all good conscience ever get married, knowing it wouldn’t be fair to any woman.”
“But Joe,” Mattie protested, wondering why his words made her heart ache so. “Not all women would feel the way Gloria did. And if a couple is truly in love, they both make sacrifices, compromises that they can both live with. You don’t just issue declarations or ultimatums. Now that’s selfish.”
His smile was wan when he turned to her. “Love conquers all? You can’t honestly still believe that.”
“Yes,” she said firmly. “I do.” And she did, had for as long as she could remember. But the key was to have the love in the first place, something she’d never had with Gary.
“I wish I could believe it, Mattie.”
“But you don’t,” she said, knowing his answer was going to hurt, and knowing, too, there was no way to stop it.
“Mattie, can you honestly say that a woman shouldn’t have the right to feel that she comes first in her husband’s life?”
He had her there, and she struggled to find the right words to explain to him how wrong he was.
“Mattie,” he went on before she could come up with a response. “My responsibilities to my family are mine, not someone else’s. Especially a woman’s.”
“But—”
“No, let me finish. Any woman I married would rightfully expect to come first in my life, before my family.” He blew out a breath, weary now after the emotions of the long day. “But that’s not possible, Mattie, not for me. I knew full well what I was promising my father, and it’s not something I resent, but something I feel honored to be able to do.”
“But Joe—”
“So that’s why I will never get married, Mattie, or have a family of my own.” Pain and sadness radiated from him. “It wouldn’t be fair, nor would it be fair to ask a woman to share this responsibility with me, because that would only lead to resentment in the long run, like with Gloria. So, rather than hurt someone else, or get hurt myself, I decided that it’s best that I never marry.” His gaze met hers, his eyes dark and very determined. “And it’s not something I ever expect to change my mind about.”
Mattie merely stared at him in the darkness, her heart aching in a way that left her wanting to weep.
For herself. And for Joe.
He’d never lied to her, she realized. He’d told her from the beginning that he never wanted to get married. The reasons didn’t change the reality.
So why did the knowledge ache so much? she wondered, blinking back tears as she glanced into the darkness.
And in that instant, the answer was clear, and devastating. The knowledge hurt so very much because until today, until this moment, she hadn’t realized she’d done the unthinkable.
She’d fallen hopelessly, helplessly…in love with Joe.
She’d fallen in love with another man who didn’t want a wife or a family—no matter what the reasons—the reality didn’t change. She’d made the same mistake once again.
Looking at Joe now, his beautiful features shadowed in the moonlight, Mattie felt an ache deep in her battered, scarred heart. And she knew she couldn’t let things go on like this; she couldn’t continue to allow Joe access in her life, because she’d simply get more and more attached to him, emotionally and every other way. And what was the point? He’d already told her, he’d never marry. Not her. Not anyone.
So even if she loved him, loved him in a way she had never loved anyone else, it didn’t make any difference. She had no hope for a future with him. None. He’d made that clear.
So she had no choice but to put some distance between them. The thought brought more tears to her eyes, but she knew for everyone’s sake, it was the only sensible thing to do.
Chapter Nine
She’d been avoiding him.
It had been ten days since Joe had taken Mattie and the boys to dinner with his family, ten days since he’d introduced them to Johnny, and since then, Mattie had been deliberately…avoiding him.
Oh, it had been nothing overt, or rude, nothing he could call her on, but he knew it, just as he knew instinctively that something had changed in her and their relationship.
And it was hard, real hard not to imagine the worst.
Mattie still attended daily baseball practice, she just didn’t bother to make a point of talking to him—before or after—practice. She’d turned down his offer to go out for pizza after one practice, citing the fact that she had to help the boys study their lines for the end-of-year school play.
He’d even stopped in the gallery a few times, hoping to catch a few free moments alone with her, but each time he’d stopped by, she’d been supposedly too busy to talk. And if she wasn’t busy when he arrived, she made sure she became busy. Very busy while he was there.
While she was polite, helpful and all the other things she’d always been, it was clear something had changed between them.
And Joe couldn’t help but feel hurt. Desperately, deeply hurt. He had no idea what had happened, but he didn’t want to believe or conceive that, like Gloria, Mattie had found herself uncomfortable with his family situation, including Johnny, and had decided to just keep him at arm’s length.
On this Monday morning, as he poured himself his first cup of coffee, frustration had him in a foul mood, something that rarely happened to him. Easygoing was his middle name, but in the past ten days he’d found that his heart ached in a way it hadn’t for a long, long time. The heart he’d vowed to always protect.
Some job he’d done, he thought with disgust. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear he’d fallen in love with Mattie. And of course with her boys as well. But he couldn’t really have been that foolish, he kept telling himself, knowing how dangerous that could be. He simply couldn’t have been that foolish
.
Still, he found himself daydreaming about what it would be like to be married to Mattie, to be able to call Cody and Connor his own. He wondered what it would be like to have a child with Mattie, a girl maybe, just to round things out.
He’d also found himself daydreaming about making love to her, daydreams that were now particularly torturous, knowing she was deliberately trying to put distance between them.
He hadn’t touched her, kissed her, since that beautiful Sunday when they’d last spent the day together, and he found himself going through something akin to withdrawal. His body ached, longed for her. His hands itched to touch her, stroke her, to hold her hand or touch her cheek. But he hadn’t so much as brushed against her, not in ten days. And it was killing him.
Worse, he had no idea what was going on, and if the truth be told, he was almost afraid to ask, fearing he’d hear something he didn’t want to hear. Not from Mattie.
But Joe realized without any other explanation, based simply on his own observations and experience with her the past ten days, he had no choice but to believe the worst.
And it almost broke his heart.
This morning, early as it was, he resolved to finish the paperwork he’d put off on Friday. The weather had stayed warm throughout the second, and now this third, week of May, hovering in the mid eighties. Everyone, including him, had a very bad case of spring fever and very little ambition.
Sipping his coffee, Joe sat down behind his desk, prepared to put Mattie out of his mind as he dug into the first of several stacks of reports he had yet to complete. When the phone rang, he was busily filling out an expense report that had to go to the town council for approval.
“Sheriff’s office,” he said absently, “Marino speaking.”
“Coach Joe?”
He frowned. “Connor?”
“No, it’s Cody.”
Surprised, Joe glanced at the clock on his desk. It was barely 7:00 a.m. “Cody, where are you?”
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