Here's to Now

by Teagan Hunter

  I dart my tongue out to wet my dry lips, and when my tongue brushes against her lips, she moans. I have to pull back because I can’t let another kiss like before consume us again. This is too important.

  “I know it’s going to be hard,” I continue. “Know it’s going to be a huge adjustment, but I want you by my side along the rough road. I want to adjust with you. I want to make this work.” A shuddered breath. “I need those kids in my life though. I need to give them the childhood they deserve. I have to make up to them what I took away.” A quick kiss. “And I want to do that all with you. More than anything in the world, that’s what I want. But if you say no, then I’m sorry, I have to walk away. It’s going to hurt, going to feel like my heart is being ripped out with rusty barbed wire, but it’s what I’ll have to do. For them. For me. For us.”

  When she doesn’t say anything, I lean in to kiss her again, only she turns her head.

  I inch back and open my eyes. “What?”

  She peeks up. “You stupid, stupid asshole.” I stumble away as she shoves at me. “I cannot believe you would even—” She balls her hand up and punches the air. “You would even think for a second I wouldn’t want that with you. Of course I want that with you!”

  “But you said—”

  “No!” she shouts. “I never said I didn’t want them. I said the apartment wasn’t big enough. I said I was nervous raising four children, especially four children I just met. Never once did ‘no’ come out of my mouth. Never once did ‘I can’t do this’ come out of my mouth. And never—not one motherfucking time—did I say we were over. I was there, I was talking to you. I was wanting to make this work.” She gulps in a huge breath of air. “You gave up.”

  “You walked away.”

  “I wasn’t going to stand there when you wouldn’t even respond to me.”

  Hanging my head until my chin almost meets my chest, I say, “How in the hell did this happen? How did we get here?”

  “You didn’t talk to me.”

  “I was in shock. I—”

  “No,” she interrupts. “No. Before all that. You didn’t talk to me about your siblings. You didn’t tell me about wanting guardianship. You kept it all to yourself. Before we were even married, you kept secrets, and I forgave those—or I thought I did. To learn that after we were married, after we made our vows, you were still hiding things from me? Dammit, Gaige. It hurt. You want to talk about carving someone’s heart out.” Her eyes churn with ire. “You have no fucking clue.”

  What’s that saying? If looks could kill. If they could, I’d be dead man right now. She’s hurting, aching with pain. Her eyes tell me that much. The way her chest is rapidly heaving up and down and up and down, I see she’s struggling, not just to breathe, but to be. I’ve fucked it all up—again.

  I have no idea how to fix it this time. No idea where to begin.

  “How?”

  “What?”

  I clear my throat in an attempt to hold back the tears threatening to fall. “How can I fix this?”

  “I don’t know.” Her voice comes out broken and defeated. She takes a small, timid step toward me. She reaches out and I have half a mind to step away from her touch, but I can’t move. The moment her palm rests on my barely beating chest, I break.

  Every wall I’ve built inside me, every single defense mechanism I’ve developed over the years collapses. I feel it all. The crumbling of the shield around the memories of my childhood, my parents. The disintegration of the shreds of hate I hold for them and for myself. The dissipation of the guilt I feel for what I’ve done vibrates through me.

  Or maybe the tremor is from Haley’s touch. Either way, she feels it too. I know she does. The darkness crowding around her begins to creep away the same as mine does.

  “I love you,” she says quietly. “Nothing has changed that fact.” She takes another step into me, and I still don’t move. “Nothing will change that fact, and if you’re for one second thinking I regret marrying you or wishing we’d done anything in our relationship differently, you’re wrong.”

  “Hales…” It’s barely audible, but I know she hears it from the way she sucks in her breath as I physically say her name for the first time in over a week. “All of that. Take all of that and say it back to yourself. From me.” I smirk at her. “But make it more romantic and shit.”

  With a husky laugh, she falls into my arms and I catch her. We stand there, silently wrapped together, trying to find something to hold us together.

  “What are we going to do?” she asks, her voice muffled yet still filled with tears.

  “Fight, Hales. We’re going to fight.”

  “Do you want to…” Haley gestures at the door, and I realize I’m being invited into my own home.

  “Oh. Uh, yeah. If that’s okay,” I rush out.

  She tucks her hair behind her ear. “It’s your home too, Gaige. That’s never changed either.”

  “It didn’t feel like I was allowed here anymore.”

  “Is that why you never came home?”

  I nod. “That, and I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here.”

  “I wasn’t sure either.”

  “Fair enough.” I wave my hand. “Shall we?”

  Haley inserts the key and twists the handle, leading us both into the apartment that’s been my sanctuary for the last year and a half.

  We step into the living room. It’s quiet and cold. Somehow that homey feel that’s always brightened my day has been stripped from the room. She places her bag down and heads for the kitchen. I don’t follow, unable to take my eyes off the couch. Something’s different…

  “I bought a cover for it.”

  “A cover? What? Why?”

  She fiddles with the glass of ice water in her hands. “Because any time I sat down on it, I’d cry. Every moment spent wrapped in your arms would assault all my senses. All those nights spent together watching TV, the way you’d drape your arm over me and hold me against you like you were protecting me. How you’d let me put my head in your lap and I’d force you to play with my hair through movie after movie. The way we could spend hours upon hours just lying together, not talking, not kissing, just being there. Then I’d remember the way we made love. I couldn’t think, couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. So, I covered it up.”

  “Did it help?”

  Taking her eyes off the cup she places on the table, she stares at me. “Not one bit.”

  I don’t know what causes it, her stare or her voice, but I rush to her, enfolding her in my embrace. Tilting her chin up, I kiss her. I kiss away the sadness lingering inside her. I kiss away the frustrations. I kiss away the doubts. Then I kiss her with my apologies, with my expressions of love. I kiss her with my fucking soul and hope and pray she can feel it.

  I don’t take her to the bedroom; no, I lead her to the couch, breaking apart long enough to strip off the cover. She gasps when I swiftly lift her off her feet and lay her across the bare cushions.

  “Let’s make new memories.”

  Fitting myself over her, I shower her with kisses, across her cheek, down her neck, and right down to the V of her shirt. Annoyed with having to stop my descent, I peel off her shirt before she even knows what I’ve begun to do. Another gasp, another arch upward. I kiss a path down her chest and pull the cups of her bra aside. This time it’s me who groans when my mouth covers her bare nipple.

  My hands find the button of her pants, snapping them open so she can shimmy out of them. She gets my hint and quickly pushes them off. I take my lips from her body just long enough to pull my shirt over my head and unbutton my own jeans. Our actions turn frenzied until we’re both bare and I’m sliding into her.

  Then somewhere along the way, we slow it down. I’m barely moving inside her as I kiss her over and over, wiping away the tears she’s shedding. They don’t freak me out because I’m hardly holding my own back.

  Between the sweat, the moans and groans, and the soft thrusts, we find our way back to each other.


  “What do we do now?”

  “I think I need to go talk to Mercy, try to get her to change her mind.”

  Haley places a kiss on my naked chest. “Is that what you really want, Gaige?”

  “Yes,” I answer automatically.

  “And you’re ready to be a father figure to four children?”

  “Are you ready to be a mother to four children?”

  She smiles. “I manage a daycare. I can handle four kids.”

  I roll until we’re both able to lie face to face. I prop my head up on my hand and stare down at her. “Are you sure? Because this is different. You don’t get to send them home at the end of the day. You don’t get to write a note home to their parents when they misbehave. You are their parent. You have to punish them, love them, protect them. Can you do that?”

  “Yes.” Her answer is sure, and it sends my heart soaring.

  “Good. I’m ready for it too. I already love those kids more than anything in this world.”

  She gives a tight smile and I can tell something’s wrong.

  “What?” I ask her.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  I scowl down at her. “Why do I have a feeling I won’t like this question?”

  “Are you sure you don’t want them out of…obligation? Maybe you just feel bad for abandoning them…twice. Maybe this is your way of trying to right those wrongs.”

  I consider her words. “I won’t deny it, that’s part of it, but I love them, Haley, and not just because I feel indebted to them and have so much to make up for. I love them for so many more reasons.” I smile just thinking about them and ignore the small pang I feel at what I know I gave up all those years ago. “Like Gia—I love how smart she is, how mature she is. She takes this shit and she just deals. I admire it. And the twins? Holy hell, Hales, they’re so funny and bold. I love it. Then there’s Graham. I feel like I’ve failed him the most. He needs work. He has horrible panic attacks just like I did when I was his age. I don’t want him to turn out like me.”

  She laughs quietly and rests her head against my arm. “Oh, Gaige, yes you do. You want him to be exactly the kind of man you are.”

  “I’m not someone to aspire to.”

  “You weren’t someone to aspire to, but you’ve changed. You’ve grown. You know you’ve screwed up and you’ve mostly made your peace with it. I’m telling you right now, Gaige Addams, you’re the greatest man I have ever known.”

  “That’s a bold statement.”

  “Yeah? Well I refuse to take it back.” I lean down and give her a quick kiss. “I mean it, Gaige,” she says as I pull away. “I love you for who you were and I love you even more for who you are.”

  Rolling myself on top of her, I drop my lips to her ear. “You’re making it really hard to not bury myself inside you right now.”

  I feel her smile. “I wouldn’t complain if you did.”

  We pull up in front of the home that’s haunted my dreams for the last week. Putting my Honda into park, I stare up at the two-story off-white house.

  It’s taken some time for Haley and me to get back to a good place. Every day is a fight, but we’re fighting together. We’re talking openly for the first time. No cards hidden—they’re all out and on the table. We’ve discussed and dissected the guardianship, even going so far as looking into houses to rent. We’re determined to make this work no matter what.

  Whoever said marriage was hard wasn’t fucking kidding. This shit is exhausting—in the best way possible, of course. Between all of our conversations, we spend our time reconnecting on a more personal level, and it’s been mind blowing.

  Staring up at this house, though, is anything but. I can already feel the anxiety creeping up on me, the reality of my future closing in. I’m scared as fuck, more scared than I have been in my entire life. This visit is going to decide the rest of my life for me.

  I just hope it goes my way for a change.

  “Are you ready?” my wife asks, slipping her hand into mine and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

  “How’d I get lucky enough to take you home that night?”

  She shrugs. “I was drunk. I’m certain I would have gone home with anyone.”

  Chuckling, I shake my head. “You always stroke my ego so good.”

  Haley waggles her brows up and down. “That’s not all I stroke so good.”

  Groaning at her words, I adjust myself in the seat. “Dammit,” I growl. “Don’t say that shit right now. I’m already fighting the urge to throw you into the backseat and have my way with you.”

  “I doubt we’d fit.”

  I lean over to her and whisper, “I know one place I can fit.”

  She slaps her hand over her mouth as laughter spills out of her. “Oh, Lord. That was terribly cheesy.”

  “You loved it.”

  “I love you.”

  I look at her seriously. “I love you too.”

  “You ready?” she asks, giving my hand another squeeze.

  “Wait, was that all a distraction? Did you just talk me down from the ledge?”

  She winks. “Maybe.”

  “You’re a damn she-devil.”

  “That’s no way to talk to your savior,” she admonishes.

  “I seriously love you.”

  “And I seriously love you too.”

  “No, Haley,” I tell her sternly. “You don’t get it. Love was always something I knew about, but it was something I’d never truly experienced. I was comfortable with that. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a robot who didn’t love at all. I did. I came to love my siblings, I loved my friends, I loved my art…but I’d never love loved a person before. Then you came along.” I shake my head. “You crashed into my life when I wasn’t looking. You sneaked into my heart in the wildest of ways. At first, it was truly about the friendship, and I hope you know that. I hope you know I didn’t go inside with you or come back the next night with any intentions other than companionship.”

  “I didn’t think that,” she says quickly.

  “From the first time I held you, I knew I was fucked. You calmed the storm within me, and I didn’t even know it, not until we didn’t talk for those six months. I about went crazy without you, but I swear, Haley, the moment you stepped back into my life, I knew everything was going to be okay. We didn’t need to rehash the time spent apart. We flowed…we’ve always flowed.”

  “Flowed is such a strange word.”

  I smirk at her. “Don’t ruin my speech.”

  “I’d never,” she says, batting her lashes at me innocently.

  “I’m just saying, you’ve done something to me, awakened me somehow. I don’t know how or when, but it happened. It happened, and I wouldn’t take it back for anything.” I laugh sardonically and look down at our joined hands, a smile playing on my lips. “I don’t even think love is a strong enough word to describe what you make me feel.”

  She leans over and places a soft kiss to my stubble-lined cheek. “And they say romance is dead.”

  I throw my head back in laughter, surprised by the intense joy I feel in this moment. I’ve gone from terrified to be feeling at peace. She’s done that, again.

  “Come on. Let’s get this over with before I lose all my confidence.”

  We exit the car and I meet Haley at her door. In a gesture of solidarity, she laces her fingers in mine as we make our way up the path. I don’t hesitate when I ring the doorbell, something that surprises us both.

  It takes a few beats, but I can hear shuffling from inside. The kids are still in school so I know it’s Mercy making her way to the door.

  She opens it slightly, then tries to slam it back shut, but I’m too quick, sticking my foot in her way. She presses harder and damn does it hurt.

  “Please, I just want to talk.”

  “I have nothing to say to you.” She glowers at Haley. “Either of you, for that matter.”

  I hold my hand up to my chest. “I’m your blood, Mercy. Your nephew. Give me ten minutes to exp
lain everything.”

  She purses her lips together, making the wrinkles lining her mouth more pronounced. Her angry stare flashes between me and Haley. “I suppose you both want to enter.”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  “Trying your hand at manners, I see.”

  If I was in the position to do so, I’d clutch my chest in shock, because that’s the closest Mercy’s ever come to cracking a joke.

  “Please.”

  “Fine,” she relents. “You have five minutes.”

  “Ten, Mercy. I’m gonna need all ten.”

  “We shall see.”

  She turns and walks away, leaving the door slightly ajar. I send Haley a quick glance and rush after my aunt. We hurriedly make our way to the living room, where we find Mercy perched on her chair, waiting for us to take our seats.

  “Your time is ticking,” she says moodily.

  I jump right into what I’ve prepared to say as soon as my ass hits the couch.

  “I know I screwed up, multiple times, okay? I get that. I should have never walked away when I got into the fight with my parents. Hell, I shouldn’t have gotten into the fight to begin with, and I damn sure shouldn’t have taken your crap and left after they died.” She raises a gray brow, a warning for my language, I’m sure. “All that shit I got into, all the breaking and entering, the stealing, the drinking, it shouldn’t have happened. None of it should have. But it did, Mercy. All of that happened and more.”

  I rub my hands against my legs, trying to burn out the tension coursing through me. Feeling hot all of a sudden, I roll my sleeves up and clasp my hands together between my knees. I make sure to keep eye contact with my aunt the entire time, showing her I won’t back down.

  “You can’t continue to judge me for my past. You need to see me in the now. I work hard, really damn hard, and you know that. You know it when I pay the bills, when I stock the fridge with groceries, and when I buy whatever necessities the kids need. I spend all my waking hours away from this place working to make sure it stays afloat, and I do it with a smile. You want to know why?”