'I'm not. She hates me!' Hannah cried, willing him to believe her. 'She thinks I've stolen Catherine's children, her home and...' she swallowed the aching constriction in her throat '...and you.'
Ethan laughed; it wasn't a pleasant sound. 'You're not the children's mother and never could be. A mother doesn't walk away from a child who needs her!' His voice shook with outrage, and his hand came down to cover like a vice her pale fingers that curved around his forearm. 'As for this house; you're the hired help here. The only thing that ever made you a possible mate in my eyes was the fact the children adore you and you're a competent nanny. I now discover that you're not even that!'
She recoiled from the undisguised contempt in his voice. He was trying to hurt, and, by God, he was succeeding! 'So now you don't trust me to look after the children?'
'Now I know you'll always put your own pleasure first. Now I'll make damned sure they don't suffer because you're a selfish little bitch. They don't deserve that again!'
As his lips compressed she could see a bloodless white line around his mouth. Hannah had reached the stage where his words hardly mattered. Her pain had reached saturation point; she couldn't hurt any more than she already did.
'If Emma and Tom didn't love you so much you'd be out of that door tonight! I've been inclined to dismiss the things Alexa has told me before as the concerns of an overprotective grandmother. I now see she was right about you all along.'
'What about us?'
'Us? There is no us.' He pulled her hand from his sleeve as if the contact offended him. 'As you pointed out, I'm a healthy man with needs and you were convenient.'
'It was more than that,' she protested. She couldn't let him reduce something that had been so fine and special to a sordid level.
'Believe that if it makes you feel better.' His amused contempt was like a slap in the face.
Ethan turned away abruptly; the sight of her bewildered, distressed face hurt too much. He couldn't let himself be sucked hi again. 'Did you enjoy your evening?' he rasped sarcastically. 'Was it business or pleasure, or just a convenient combination of both?'
'Ethan!' She had to try and get through to him one last time. The sight of his broad, uncommunicative back was eloquent enough to tell her that her efforts were wasted. 'You find it incredibly easy to believe badly of me,' she accused.
What he'd find 'incredibly easy' would be taking her in his arms and kissing her. He despised himself for wanting to. 'The facts speak for themselves.'
There speaks the lawyer, she thought with a sudden surge of anger. Why was he doing this? She'd never given him any cause to think she'd neglect the children, and yet he'd tried and sentenced her before she'd even said a word. Anger she could understand, but his reaction seemed out of proportion. When he wouldn't look at her, she moved so that he had to.
"Things aren't always what they seem,' she challenged.
'You're not. You want to go to university and you don't give a damn about how it affects anyone else! We've just been a convenient stepping-stone for you.'
She gasped at the sheer injustice of this. She'd spent most of the afternoon trying to work out how and when she could begin a course without disrupting their family life. 'It's all right for you to work all the hours God sends, but if I want to do anything it's selfish. Their mother worked, didn't she?' No woman could run a business and take part in sport at the sort of level Catherine had without a co-operative partner.
'We're not talking about Catherine!' he snarled.
Something in his expression made her wonder for a split second if that were entirely true. Had everything in the garden been as perfect as everyone told her? The notion was banished as quickly as it had come. She was just clinging to comforting straws, like any other soul going under for the final time.
'When my children need me, I'm here. After your behaviour today I'm surprised you can fling around a word like "selfish" without choking on it.'
'Well, I hope you choke on the truth when you finally realise what a fool you're being right now!' she cried, running from the room.
She paused on her way back to her own room to look in on the children. They were both asleep. Looking at Emma's sleeping face, she couldn't comprehend how anyone could put a child in danger. Ethan had been right—she might have wandered off. She was only a baby, after all. Hannah was tenderly stroking a lock of golden hair off the childish brow when some sixth sense told her she wasn't alone.
Ethan was standing in the doorway, watching her. Silently their eyes locked. Defiance was the only thing that kept Hannah's tears at bay. As she brushed past him she could smell the alcohol he'd obviously just swallowed, but she was helpless to prevent her response to his closeness, that warm rush that unfurled in the pit of her belly and the light, dizzy sensation in her head.
She closed the door quietly behind her. 'I see now that it was a mistake overstepping the boundaries of my job description. I take it you have no objections if I take the nanny's bedroom in the future. I'll move my things back tomorrow.'
He didn't object, but then she'd known he wouldn't. He'd made it quite clear that as far as he was concerned there was nothing special about what they had together.
CHAPTER EIGHT
EMMA was so excited she hadn't slept the night before. Hannah knew because she had shared the little girl's bedroom in the hotel suite.
'Yes, you look lovely,' Hannah said as she finally secured a blue ribbon in the silk locks. 'Bridesmaids don't bounce.' 'They don't?'
'No, they glide elegantly.' Hannah demonstrated, swaying her hips in a lazy, exaggerated fashion. 'Exactly like a princess.' 'Will we be going soon?'
'I hope so,' said Hannah with feeling. Getting the child to the church before the flowers in her hair curled up and died, or something indelible and probably noxious got spilt down the front of the pink satin, had taken on the aspect of a nightmare.
"The car is here. You look spec-tac-u-lar!' Ethan said, sweeping his daughter high into the air. Ethan didn't comment on his wife's outfit.
Hannah knew she was looking drawn; over the past six weeks she'd lost weight she couldn't afford to. The muted grey and blue striped silk suit didn't totally disguise this fact. 'Shall I get Tom down?'
'No,' Ethan responded curtly. 'You take Emma.' Hannah wondered how much longer she could take the constant slights before something cracked. Pretending to be part of a happy family was killing her by slow, painful inches. 'Come along, darling. We can't keep Grandma Faith waiting—it's her big day.'
The car was waiting outside the hotel foyer. The doorman ushered them solicitously towards it. A sudden gust of wind lifted her hat and Hannah let go of Emma's hand to catch hold of it.
It all happened so quickly, she never did know what caught the child's eye on the opposite side of the busy road. One minute she was standing beside Hannah, the next Hannah saw the heels of her shiny new shoes and a fluttering pink hem.
With a cry of warning Hannah ran out after her, hardly noticing the sound of horns in her ears. She felt as if her feet were made of lead as she desperately tried to propel herself forward. Panting, she picked the child up from behind as she simultaneously became aware of the fact that she couldn't move fast enough to avoid the metal monster bearing down on them. It was instinct rather than conscious thought that made her throw the child clear just before everything went black.
Those ten minutes before the ambulance arrived were the longest and most nightmarish Ethan could ever remember. The hotel manager had proved to be a pillar of strength and calm. Ethan had been able to leave the children safely in his hands, knowing that his mother would come the instant she got his message.
Why wouldn't anyone tell him anything? They'd shut him out of the emergency room. He ripped the white rose from his buttonhole with an expression of disgust and ground it into the floor with his heel. Nobody came near the tall figure conspicuously dressed in the morning suit; he presented a daunting picture.
Standing in the glass
revolving door with Tom in his arms when it had happened, he'd seen everything. From a position of complete helplessness he'd watched it all. He'd seen the car hit Hannah and heard the sickening thud as her limp, apparently lifeless body struck the metal before sliding to the floor. The image was scorched in his brain.
'Mr Kemp? Would you like to come this way?'
The white-coated figure led Ethan to a small, impersonal office.
'Well?' Ethan didn't bother hiding his impatience. He was wound up tighter than a spring and it showed. His knuckles cracked as he flexed his long fingers.
The doctor didn't take offence at the aggressive tone; he'd seen and heard it all before. All the same, whilst quite a few of his customers might have liked to rip him limb from limb as the bearer of bad tidings, most of them didn't look capable of it. This one did.
'Your wife has been remarkably lucky. There's a hairline fracture of the temporal bone.' He touched his finger to the side of his head to indicate the position. "That should heal with no ill effects. She is badly concussed but she did regain consciousness for a short time. I was honest with her when she asked me.'
'Asked you what?' Ethan had slumped into a straight-backed chair. The tension had drained from his body so abruptly, he felt as weak as a baby. She was going to live. Whether he had prayer, luck, or modern medicine to thank didn't matter to him—she was alive. Things were going to be different, he swore to himself.
'About the baby.'
'Let me get this straight,' Ethan said in a strained voice. 'My wife is pregnant?'
'Was pregnant.'
Ethan's head dropped forward onto his chest. 'Oh, my God!' he said softly. He caught his head between his hands and rocked forward, his elbows clamped together.
'You didn't know? I'm sorry. It was very early, and there's no reason you can't have a healthy baby in the future.'
'Can I see her?' His complexion was tinged with an unhealthy pallor as he raised his head.
Numbed by having been overexposed to too much pain and suffering, the young doctor found his compassion unexpectedly stirred by the bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes of the man opposite him.
'Of course, but it might be quite a while before she wakes.'
The total amnesia only lasted for a few terrifying seconds. 'Mr Kemp?' she whispered in relief as the man seated beside her bed lifted his head. For some reason the man flinched as if she'd struck him.
'So you're back with us, Mrs Kemp?' The nurse hid her surprise at the formal greeting between husband and wife behind a professional smile.
Hannah remembered everything then—it was like walking into a solid wall. 'Ethan.'
'You're awake, Hannah.' Stating the obvious gave him a breathing space. It had been impossible to miss the grief of knowledge that had rushed into her eyes, only to be supplanted by a vague, distant expression.
'My head hurts,' she said dully.
'You fractured your skull.'
'I didn't mean to let go of her hand.'
Ethan looked at her blankly.
'Emma. She really is all right, is she? The doctor said...' Panic was beginning to build up inside her. What if he'd just been humouring her? She tried to raise herself up on one elbow but the intravenous line in her arm got in the way.
'Emma's fine, thanks to you.' The dark colour ran up under his tan. 'It was the most criminally stupid thing I've ever seen!' The words rammed home as he viciously enunciated every syllable. 'And the most brave.'
'I didn't think.' She endangered his daughter; he was bound to be angry. His anger couldn't hurt her. She was numb; she didn't feel anything—even when she made herself remember that her body no longer carried their child. Had anyone told him? The odd expression in his eyes as he'd muttered the taut afterthought did puzzle her.
'Tell me something I don't already know.' The nurse returned with a doctor and Hannah watched as her husband was bustled from the room.
'I didn't expect to see you, Ethan. Aren't you going to fetch Hannah home this morning?'
Ethan nodded as he kissed his mother's cheek. I’m on my way.'
'A very round about way. What's wrong?' she enquired shrewdly. Her son wasn't a man who showed strain externally, but right now he looked tense enough to snap.
'Hannah was pregnant when the car hit her. She lost the baby,' he said abruptly.
'Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry.'
'She didn't tell you, then,' Ethan muttered. He'd hoped that she'd confided in his mother; he'd wanted to think she'd had a shoulder to cry on. After what had passed between them it didn't surprise him that she hadn't wanted his shoulder.
It was such a lot of grief for one person to bear alone, and it tore him up to think of her holding onto all that pain. Seeing the sheen of tears in Faith's blue eyes, he turned away and walked to the window. A long way below the city traffic crawled along.
'No. No, she didn't.' Faith watched the tall figure of her son with a thoughtful expression tinged with concern.
"The thing is...' Ethan turned and faced his mother '...every time I try to discuss it she changes the subject. It's as if it never happened,' he said incredulously.
'People have different ways of coping with these things.'
Ethan glared at her with frustrated anger. 'I know that!' he snapped. Taking a deep breath, he controlled his temper. 'She needs help and I don't know how to help her. I don't think she even wants me to help. It's all very well for the doctors to say I have to be patient and not push things.' He snorted impatiently. 'Oh, she talks—she talks to me as if I'm a stranger. She's polite, the way she used to be,' The way he had thought he wanted her to be. 'She's shutting me out.'
'Perhaps it will help being home.'
'I hope so,' he said heavily. 'She misses Emma and Tom,' he admitted. 'Perhaps you're right.'
'Alexa!' Hannah stiffened as she recognised with shock the figure who walked through the door into her anonymous hospital room. 'I was expecting Ethan. I'm going home today.' Home. What had he said? As for this house, you're the hired help.
'What a lot of lovely flowers,' Alexa observed in a brittle tone.
'Yours were lovely, thank you.' She waited tensely to hear what the other woman was doing here. Then thought, why waste time wondering? 'Why did you come, Alexa?' It was pointless pretending—the enmity Alexa felt towards her was out in the open now.
'I did a terrible thing. It was wrong of me, very wrong...' The young woman opposite Alexa sat with a face of stone. There was no encouragement in the calm hazel eyes; there wasn't much of anything. Alexa rumbled in her handbag for a tissue and cleared her throat. She nearly lost her nerve, but the agony of guilt she'd been experiencing made her plough on. 'You saved Emma's life—my grandchild. I lost Catherine. I couldn't bear to lose Emma too. It made me realise how selfish I've been. I've been feeling so guilty.'
And I'm supposed to assuage that guilt by forgiving you, Hannah thought. It would be the mature, adult thing to do, but she wasn't feeling very adult today. The compassion was still there somewhere, but she couldn't tap into the source.
When Hannah didn't respond, Alexa swallowed hard before continuing in a quavering tone, 'When Ethan told me he was taking you away for a belated honeymoon I knew I had to do something. He was Catherine's. It didn't seem right—he belonged to her. Do you see?'
Hannah saw. He still does, she thought. She knew she should feel something—pity, anger, compassion—but she couldn't get past that great empty space inside.
'I could tell something was going on between you, the way he was looking at you, touching you... I lied to him to make him think you were selfish and irresponsible.' The tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks now. 'Can you ever forgive me?'
'It doesn't matter now,' Hannah said in a tight, unemotional voice. Awkwardly she patted the older woman's hand.
The inarticulate sound that escaped Ethan's throat made her look up. 'Ethan!'
Alexa gasped and twisted around. When she saw Ethan standing in the doorway she went dea
thly pale. 'I didn't mean any harm.'
Ethan's lips were a bloodless gash; his eyes had narrowed to slits. Hannah could see the inner battle he had to control his turbulent emotions before he eventually spoke. 'Get out of my sight.' He closed his eyes as the woman scuttled past him with a sigh of relief.
'What can I say?' he asked Hannah hoarsely.
She shrugged. 'It doesn't matter now.'
'Of course it matters,' Ethan grated. He reached out to touch her arm and she shied away. He couldn't fail to miss the spasm that contorted her features, as if his touch made her skin crawl. He drew a sharp, ragged breath as he momentarily averted his face. 'I had no idea she...' He paused. Words seemed woefully inadequate to express his regret.
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