by Неизвестный
Jack turned and dropped in his chair. These last twenty-four hours had been hell on him, and the effects were evident. But Rex was right, what happened in Columbia had changed him. He just never wanted to talk about it, ever.
“Jack, are you forgetting what happened after we got back? That asshole that sent us on that mission was court-martialed along with the captain. They were both dishonorably discharged and lost their collective forty plus years of service. They both got what was coming to them. You shouldn’t be ashamed to have been in the U.S. Military, the U.S. Navy, or in the SEALs, and quite frankly, it pisses me off to hear you say that. You loved being a Navy man and a SEAL. You, Jack Peyton, love this country just as much as I do. You were damn good at what you did, we both were, and all of us on that mission knew that whenever we went away there was a chance we might not be coming back. Jenkins and Rollingsworth both knew that, too. You have to know that. Why do you feel so guilty for their deaths? You didn’t pull the trigger. It wasn’t your fault.” Rex stopped. He wanted to give Jack time to really think about what he had just said, hoping that maybe some of it would sink in.
Jack peered up at him with anguish in his eyes. “I do. I know that, I do. But don’t you ever feel guilty? Those two guys had women who loved them, who wanted them home. They both had made children with the women they loved. What were we? A couple of stupid bachelors with nothing to offer a decent woman? Why were we spared, and they were taken? Don’t you think it should have been us?”
“Shit! Jesus, man, are you kidding me? I can’t believe all of these years, and I’ve had it wrong. Survivor’s guilt? That’s what has been eating you up the past five years. Is that why you still send money to their women every year at Christmas? Oh, you didn’t think I knew about that, did you? Well, I do, and stop doing it! It’s an insult to their memory and those women. They both have moved on. They both are remarried! Every time you do that it is a slap in the face to the new men in their lives. They loved their men, but they love new men now. They didn’t plan it, but their children have fathers now. It’s important that if they moved on, that you let them. Don’t hold them back in the past. It’s not fair to them, the kids, or to you!” This time Rex was the one who sounded angry.
Rex was right. Jack had never looked at it that way before. He had just always felt so damn guilty. So inadequate, like he wasn’t the one that God had intended to let live. Looking back on it now, after Jack had requested a discharge and left the Navy, he wondered if he hadn’t done something else wrong too?
“Why did you leave the Navy, Rex? I had thought you felt the same as me. I thought you requested an early discharge for the same reasons I did. But, if you didn’t know what was really eating away at me, what were your reasons?”
Here it comes. They had gone this far. Jack wasn’t going to like it, but as they say, “The truth shall set you free.” He only hoped the same would hold true in this instance. “I did it for you, man.” Rex held up his hand. He could already see the anger reenergizing in Jack’s eyes. “Let me finish.” Jack waited. His fists were starting to clench until his knuckles were white. Rex braced himself. He might just have another punch headed his way.
“I had no one when I entered the Navy. I met you in boot camp, and as cheesy as it sounds, I felt a connection to you. You really were like my long lost brother. That bond only grew stronger with every year and every mission we went on together and survived. When we got back from Columbia, you didn’t care that we were alive, you didn’t care that we were vindicated. You were broken. You were a shell of your former self. You weren’t Jack Peyton. When I found out that you had requested a discharge, I knew it was worse than I thought. You loved being a SEAL. The idea that you gave that up scared the crap out of me.”
Jack relaxed his fists. “I did love being a SEAL, and I don’t regret it. It was an honor to serve my country. I still know that deep down.”
“So, you can see why then, when you threw that all away, I was really scared. I thought you were suicidal, man. I didn’t know what to do. So, I did the only thing any brother would do. I followed you to Denver. I did everything to make sure that you were okay. I love you. You might not be my brother by blood, but you are in my soul. I did love the Navy and being a SEAL, but I would sooner die than let that get in the way of me protecting my brother.” Rex was silent. His piece was said.
Jack just looked at Rex. They had never once in the past decade plus that they’d known each other discussed their feelings. This was a first, and he also knew it was an important step. “I’m sorry you gave that up for me. I should have been stronger.”
All the seriousness of the conversation was making Rex uncomfortable. He was never used to sharing his emotions, even though his buddy was worth it. “Yeah, well I’m used to taking care of your sorry ass. I always was stronger than you, and faster, better looking, all around just better.” Rex laughed.
“Don’t make me hit you again.” They were back on common ground again. They’d both said what needed to be said and what should have been said a long time ago. Jack felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was sure he would always have guilt over Jenkins and Rollingsworth’s deaths, but he felt like maybe now he would be able to deal with it. Maybe he could get past the guilt with the help and love of a good woman, with the help of Tamara.
Chapter 14
Jack pulled his Escalade into the driveway as a pit formed in his stomach the size of a watermelon, making him nervous as hell. He noticed Tamara’s car sitting in front of his house the second he pulled around the corner. He got out the same time she did. They started to walk towards each other.
Tamara walked towards Jack. She was so anxious. What if she was wrong? What if he told her to get lost? Would she be able to stand it? Well, there was only one way to find out. “Jack, I’d like to come inside and talk with you. I would like a chance to…”
Jack put his hands on her shoulders and shook his head, silencing her. “Whatever you have to say to me is going to have to wait at least long enough for this.” He brought his mouth down to hers.
At first his kiss was gentle. He brushed his lips across hers, and slowly he used his tongue to swipe across her lips. She opened her mouth, inviting him further into her. He accepted and kissed her with eagerness. Her response was immediate. She instantly met his pace. He held her close as her body fit snugly against his. She could feel his arousal already forming and pressing against her stomach, enticing her. She was already getting so hot for him she couldn’t think straight. Just when she thought he was going to take her right there in his front yard, he pulled away. She could see the desire in his eyes. The depths of his passion were like a mirror to hers.
“Let’s go inside, sweetheart. I have some things I need to tell you too.” His face was solemn.
They walked in the house, Tamara slightly in front of him, as Jack had his hand on the small of her back, guiding her. She started to sit in the living room, and he stopped her, pulling her upstairs to the bedroom.
She was suddenly nervous about going upstairs with him. Did he just want to have sex? They needed to talk about things. She needed to tell him everything that had been going through her head all day. If she slept with him, she wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. Before she knew it, she was sitting on the edge of the bed. Tamara was expecting him to push her back and start ravishing her. But instead, he knelt down on the floor in front of her and took her hands into his. He was gently rubbing his thumbs across her knuckles, looking into her eyes.
Tamara was worried. She knew she had to tell Jack that she had allowed Brent to come into her apartment last night to take care of her. But what if Jack thought that it was more than it was? She knew she was going to have to trust that he would believe her, but before she could begin he spoke.
“Tamara, I know that there is a lot to be said. I know that it might not all be good, and some of it might hurt, but before we begin I need you to know something. I love you, Tamara Somers. I love
you with all of my heart, body, and soul. I’ve never said that to any other woman before. And believe me when I tell you I’ve never felt this way before. Before we start talking, I want you to know that nothing you say to me will change that. I want us to be honest with each other, completely honest, and I also want you to know that no matter what you say, that I have every intention of being the only man in your life, forever. So, please, baby, tell me the absolute truth and nothing will change. We will be together, if you’ll have me.”
Just looking at him she knew that Jack had never bared his soul like that before. “Jack.” Her voice was but a whisper. She was so shocked by the depths of his words. They touched deep inside her, and for the first time since last night, she felt her heart falling back into its proper place and healing. “Jack.” She said it again. She pulled her hands free of his and put them to the sides of his face, resting on his stubble. He clearly hadn’t shaved that morning. She kind of liked it, thought he looked sort of sexy and dangerous when he forgot to shave.
“Jack, I love you, too. I love you so much! I was lost last night when I thought it was over between us. Make love to me, Jack. Please, let’s just forget everything else for a little while and make love.”
Last night. If she hadn’t mentioned last night, he would be stripping off her clothes right now. But she had, and they had to deal with these issues between them. If they didn’t, one day they would explode. He wouldn’t allow anything to destroy their future together, least of all a night that should have never happened. He pulled her hands away from his face.
“Sweetheart, you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that you love me. And I will make love to you, I promise, over and over again. But first we need to talk.” She nodded her agreement.
“Tamara, I need to know what happened after you left the bar last night. What happened with Brent? I know he was at your apartment. I need to hear from you what happened, not him. Please just tell me the truth, and I swear it will be okay. Trust me.”
“I went home. While I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, I got into a verbal and physical altercation with Shelby. Brent appeared out of nowhere. I was upset, Jack, I was so upset. I was beside myself with pain over what you had said to me in that bar. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Brent offered to come in and help calm me down, and I accepted.” She looked at him, waiting, watching. He closed his eyes and placed his forehead against hers.
“Go on.” He said it so quietly she almost didn’t hear him.
Tamara exhaled a breath and continued. “He came inside and sat me down on the couch with a blanket to cover up in. I was cold and shivering, I think. He offered to get me some water. I was so thirsty from all of the crying. I was a complete mess in the cab ride on the way home. I couldn’t catch my breath.”
He was still resting against her forehead as she spoke, and her words whispered across his face.
“He gave me a couple of sleeping pills and a bottle of water. He offered to make me some tea, but I never got it. I laid down on the couch, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in my clothes feeling like hell after ten this morning.”
Jack opened his eyes and pulled away. He looked at her with confusion. “Sweetheart, how soon after you left the bar would you say it was before you fell asleep?”
“Maybe a half hour, forty-five minutes at most. Why?”
His eyes changed. His muscles relaxed. It was like all of the tension drained out of him in a single instant.
“What is it, Jack?”
“Honey, did you hear your doorbell ring last night? Did you know I came by?”
“What? You had come by?” she asked in surprise. “Brent didn’t tell me. Oh, that son of a bitch! Jack, I didn’t know you came by. I swear. What happened?”
“I wanted to apologize to you. When you walked out of that bar, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I realized in that moment I was in love with you. There were no more doubts. I loved you. I knew that when you slapped me, I deserved it.”
He saw her wince at the slight bruise on his cheek. “It’s all right, sweetheart. I had it coming. I knew I was way out of line, and so did Rex. Boy, did he tell me as much, too. Anyway, I drove around trying to find any floral shop that would be open so late on a Sunday night. I had to finally settle on that supermarket near your place. I bought all of the flowers they had in their case, and a sweet little old lady helped me put them together and make a bigger bouquet. I drove to your place. I was going to tell you I loved you then. I was going to tell you I was an ass. I was going to beg and grovel for forgiveness. But I got there and…” He stopped when the memory of what he saw and what he thought when Brent opened the door hit him like a ton of bricks all over again.
“Jack, please, go on. Tell me what happened.”
Looking at her, Jack thought, she is so beautiful. He hoped he would find the right words for her to forgive him. “Brent opened the door. He had no shirt on, his pants were undone, his hair was all messed up, and he had smudges of that red lipstick I bought you last week on his face and neck.” He said it all so fast without taking a breath. It was hard for him to relive that feeling he had in his gut when he saw Brent standing there like that.
“Oh, Jack. Jack, I swear to you nothing was going on. I would never let him or anyone else touch me.” Tamara’s eyes were pleading with him, begging for his trust. Jack felt ten feet tall at that declaration.
“I was sleeping. I slept over twelve hours. Those sleeping pills really knocked me out. I had no idea you came. I’m so sorry he let you think that. Please believe me, please tell me that you believe me.” “Honey, I do believe you, but there’s more. Please let me get it all out. Okay?”
She nodded with wide eyes.
“He acted, I guess you could say, happy. He stepped outside with me. He told me—in the most arrogant and condescending way he could come up with—that you two had worked out your problems, that I was your rebound guy while you were trying to get over him. He told me that you had agreed to marry him!”
When he said the last sentence, she instantly cut in, interrupting him from saying anymore. “Jack, how could you believe such lies, especially from him? I know I never told you before, but couldn’t you guess how much you meant to me? I told you before that I never loved him. Oh, I could just kill him. I’m not going to pretend to understand what you felt, but I’m sure it was awful. I’m so sorry, Jack.”
She brought her hands back up to his face, ran her hands through his hair and leaned into him. She started to kiss him then pulled away a little, looking into his eyes. “Jack, I love you. Every man before you, every boyfriend, every kiss I have ever had, has just been a prelude to the only person who’s ever mattered to me, you.”
This time Jack pulled away. He got up and paced the room several times, afraid to look at her. This was it. He was so relieved that Tamara hadn’t slept with Brent, but now he had to break her heart. He knew the hurt she was going to feel when he told her about the woman he brought home last night, all because he was too stupid to trust her. Instead of listening to his heart, he listened to that prick Townsend.
“Jack, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”
He loved her so much. She sat there eyeing him nervously, worried she had done something wrong. This whole thing was his damn fault! And he hated himself for it.
“Tamara, I have to tell you something, but please believe me that I love you. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Do you know that?”
She nodded, but he could tell her nerves were getting the better of her, and she was starting to shake. “What is it? Tell me, please. You said we had to be completely honest with each other. So tell me.”
He came back to kneel in front of her again. He put his hands on her shoulders and then slowly worked his way down until he was once again holding her hands in his and rubbing his thumbs across her knuckles. He took a deep breath and stared into her eyes.
“Tamara, honey, after I left your place last n
ight, I thought I had lost you. I had never felt emptiness like that before in my entire life. There was this ache in my chest, it hurt so bad.” He thumped a fist against his chest in explanation of the pain. “I knew that I loved you. I thought that you loved me. I was confused. I wasn’t thinking.” He stopped and looked away. Could he do this?
He could see the fear in her eyes. She knew whatever he had to tell her wasn’t going to be good. She got up from the bed and stood several feet away, looking down at him. “What did you do, Jack?”
Her voice was quiet, but tense. She was shaking uncontrollably now. She looked so scared. It was breaking his heart to watch her like this.
He took another deep breath to prepare himself. “I went to a liquor store. I met a woman there. I brought her back here.”
Tamara’s whole body became rigid and tense. He could see the liquid forming in her eyes. It instantly spilled down her cheeks. She blinked and tried to remain calm. Her breathing was shallow. There was complete silence for a moment. “Tell me, Jack. What did you do?”
“Honey, oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” The pain in her eyes was killing him. “I thought if I was with another woman I could forget you. I thought if I slept with someone it would take away the pain of losing you.” Her eyes, still crying, took on a new look. She looked cold now. The tears continued as she just stood there staring at him.
“Did it work? Did you forget? Did the pain go away, Jack? Did you feel better afterwards?” Tamara snapped out the words. She wasn’t just hurt or angry. She was livid.
He had never seen Tamara angry before. But this was more. Did she hate him? He hung his head in shame, this was his fault, and he knew it. He hated himself for all of it.