I’m doing it for her. I don’t want to ruin another woman’s life.
Let alone the lives of a couple of sweet babies.
But the whole thing made his chest feel as heavy as if a three-hundred-pound barbell were resting on it.
* * *
Two hours later, Erica was just about to scream into the awkward silence when Jason spoke.
“You want to stop?” He indicated the road sign announcing a service plaza.
“Okay.” Anything to get out of this truck. “I shouldn’t let the boys sleep much longer or they’ll never sleep tonight.”
“Papa packed some lunch for us. Want to eat it now?”
“If that’s all right with you, sure.”
They were being painfully polite with each other. As if they hadn’t gotten close over the past week and shared a kiss last night. A kiss she’d thought meant something.
Apparently not to Jason. Apparently he thought it was a big mistake, and that was fine. Just fine.
Say it often enough and you might even start to believe it.
She got Mikey out of his car seat, and when she turned, Jason was standing there, so she thrust the baby into his arms. Then she unlatched Teddy. The way he lifted his arms to her with a crooked smile made her heart melt. “Aren’t you the happy little man?” she cooed as she pulled him out and grabbed the diaper bag.
Mikey and Teddy were her priorities. She couldn’t forget that, couldn’t get too sad or upset. She had to take care of herself so she could take care of them. Like they’d said the one time she’d taken a plane ride: put your own mask on before assisting others.
She’d thought that Jason might be a positive part of her life, but if he was going to be negative and hurtful, then she didn’t want anything to do with him. She flipped back her hair and followed him into the service plaza, determinedly not noticing how handsome he was and how easily he carried Mikey and the picnic container.
Once they’d put their bags down, Jason handed Mikey to her and then went to grab high chairs. Before she could ask it, he found disinfecting wipes and scrubbed the chairs down.
He was pretty good with babies, for being a novice.
“Aw, they look just like their daddy,” a woman said as she carried her tray to a nearby table.
Jason gave her a half smile as he got out plastic containers of food, but Erica’s heart pumped a little harder. Did the boys look like Jason? They were his nephews, but she’d never noticed a resemblance. Sometimes you didn’t see things that were right in front of your eyes.
They each fed a twin. “You’re getting pretty good at that,” she said as Jason used a plastic spoon to scrape some food off Mikey’s mouth. Then she froze. He didn’t want to pursue a relationship, so did that mean she wasn’t even supposed to talk to him?
But he smiled. “I’m a quick learner. And I think he’s getting neater, isn’t he?”
“Let’s hope so.”
Teddy wasn’t hungry. He yelled and squirmed to get down, but Erica didn’t like the look of the floor. She glanced around, trying to figure out what to do with him.
Jason seemed to read her mind. “I’ll put my coat down and he can sit on it.”
“But your coat will get filthy!”
He shrugged. “It’ll wash.” He spread it on the floor, and after a moment’s hesitation, Erica put Teddy down on it.
Mikey, neglected, started to make some noise. “Ma-ma!” he complained.
Jason looked over at her, grinning. “Now I see what people mean about traveling with kids.” He lifted Mikey out of his chair and put him beside his brother, and Erica hurried to wipe both boys’ faces.
“I couldn’t do this without you. I’m really grateful.”
“It’s my pleasure.” He met her eyes for a moment and then looked away.
But she needed to get the necessary words out now, all of them, while they were speaking to each other. “Mikey’s getting more frustrated that he can’t move around. And Teddy’s fussing more, I think because he can’t communicate. They really need the help, so...thanks for setting up this appointment and making me keep it.” And please, God, let it not get them all in trouble.
“You’re welcome. And, Erica...” He looked away and blew out a breath. “I’m sorry I was... This morning. I hurt your feelings.”
Who was this man? He’d kissed her like he meant it, taken it back harshly like he meant that, acted as if he were the twins’ loving father, and now he wanted to talk feelings?
“Look, there’s something in my past. A broken engagement.”
She blinked and nodded. So he’d been engaged and it had ended and that had somehow caused his seesawing behavior. “Okaaaayyy...”
“I didn’t handle it well. The breakup.”
“You mean you were upset about it, or you didn’t do it right?” It seemed crucial to know whose idea the breakup had been.
“Mostly, I didn’t do it right. I’m a perfectionist, hard on people. And I’m not good at talking to a...a girlfriend, I guess. Communicating.”
“You’re talking now,” she said before she could think better of it. More than that, he was admitting to the problem that Kimmie had accused him of: being a perfectionist, being rigid. So maybe he was changing. Maybe he wasn’t the hard-core, hard-line guy Kimmie had thought he was. Look how he’d analyzed his broken engagement, how he was trying to share his feelings.
And if this, the past relationship gone bad, was his big secret...
She needed to tell him the truth about the twins. Sooner rather than later. But how did you begin to say something like that? And would it be better to do it before or after the doctor’s appointment?
If she told him and he got outraged at her and the twins, where would they be? She’d better wait.
“I’m talking now because I don’t want you to feel hurt. I don’t suspect you of sharing Kimmie’s bad habits anymore. And... It was fantastic to kiss you, Erica. I don’t want to have any expectations out of it, or for you to, but I sure liked it.”
He looked up and met her eyes, and she couldn’t look away. Couldn’t stop herself from saying, “I liked it, too.”
In fact, she very badly wanted it to happen again. But Teddy crawled off the coat onto the dirty floor, and Mikey started to cry.
“We’d better get on the road. I’ve got to meet the lawyers at three, and we still have—” he checked his phone “—about two hours to Brian and Carla’s place.”
They rode in silence for a while, but it was friendlier, more relaxed. Jason found a radio station the twins seemed to like, and Erica even managed to doze off for a bit.
She sat up, refreshed, and looked around, and Jason glanced over at her. “Feel better?”
“A lot.”
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “about Kimmie.”
Her heart rate accelerated. “Yeah?”
“Did she talk about her family at all? About us?”
Erica considered how much to say. “She did a little.”
“Was she angry at me? Did she see what I did as a betrayal?” The words seemed to burst out of him.
She blew out a breath. “It’s water under the bridge.”
“Yeah, but it’s my bridge. I want to know.”
“Why? So you can torture yourself some more, like you do with your ex-fiancée?”
He glanced over at her, looking startled. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“It seems like it. Blaming yourself for everything. Kimmie made her choices. She did what addicts do.” Like have kids and neglect them.
“Wait a minute. You did Al-Anon, right?”
“Yeah, it was pretty much forced on me when I was a teenager. Why, does it show?”
“Uh-huh.” He put on the truck’s blinker. “And the other thin
g that shows is that you’re good at being evasive.”
She stared at him as sweat gathered on her neck and chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I asked you about Kimmie, and all of a sudden we’re talking about me. And this isn’t the first time. Is there some reason you don’t like talking about Kimmie or the past?”
Tell him. Tell him now.
Instead, she sidestepped the question. “I grew up having to keep a lot of secrets. It gets to be a habit.” And it was one she should break. Look how Jason was trying to do better at communicating. “Kimmie talked about happy times when you guys were kids. She really seemed to love you.”
He glanced over at her as if to see whether she was telling the truth. “Really?”
“Yes. And, Jason, she had good values in a lot of ways. It was just... Addiction is hard to break. Drugs nowadays are so strong...”
“Tell me about it.” He shook his head slowly. “I remember when she was in high school, those chastity rings were the thing. She got one. Go figure.” He looked over at her. “I don’t suppose... I mean, she used to talk to me about how she wanted to wait for marriage.”
Erica froze. Kimmie hadn’t waited for marriage; not only that, but she’d had twins out of wedlock. Twins who were sleeping peacefully in the back seat right now.
“Is that pretty important to you?” she asked.
“It’s the ideal, and I hope...” He trailed off and looked over at her. “I’m sorry, Erica. I don’t mean to judge. I haven’t been perfect myself by any means.”
Erica almost laughed and then restrained it. No need to give in to hysteria. Jason thought he’d offended her because of her supposed impurity, as an unmarried mom. Little did he know that she wasn’t actually a mom. And that she’d barely dated, let alone gotten close enough to someone to conceive a child. Waiting for marriage hadn’t been a challenge for her.
But there was a desperate hopefulness in Jason’s eyes. She felt for him and she wanted to provide comfort, as best she could. “If you’re asking whether there were a lot of men in her life, I don’t think so. Times when I was around her, she was mostly on her own.”
She was saved from expanding on that by the sound of a siren. She looked back, and red and blue lights flashed. Her heart raced and she felt guilty, like the police had somehow guessed she wasn’t being completely honest.
Jason let out an exclamation and pulled over. “Wonder what’s up. I wasn’t speeding.”
“Police make me nervous.”
“You gotta remember I’m a cop myself. And in fact...” He was looking in his rearview mirror, and suddenly he laughed and opened the driver’s-side door.
“Don’t get out!” She couldn’t keep the panic out of her voice. Bad things happened when you confronted cops. “Just sit still and keep your hands visible!”
“It’s fine. Old friend. He’s just busting my chops.” He jumped out of the truck and walked back to meet the uniformed police officer, and a moment later they were thumping each other on the back and laughing.
She couldn’t take her eyes off him as he talked to his friend. That strong square jaw, dark with the beginnings of a beard. The messy-cut black hair that contrasted so sharply with his blue eyes. His athletic build, the confidence of his wide-legged stance.
Was she falling in love with him?
No sooner had she thought it than she shook her head and let her face sink onto one fist. No. Not that. She couldn’t be in love.
Jason needed to hold on to a positive picture of his sister. It would help him heal.
But knowing Kimmie had had children out of wedlock would tarnish that image.
The web of lies kept getting trickier, more complex. Now, if she revealed the truth, she wouldn’t just be breaking a promise to Kimmie. She wouldn’t just be risking that Jason would take the twins away from her.
She’d be risking his own happiness, the image he was trying to create of a sister who’d been an addict but otherwise, had stuck to the values she was raised with.
Male laughter rang out, Jason’s, and despite her racing worries, she couldn’t help smiling.
When Jason was happy, she was happy. When he tried awkwardly to explain things and apologize, truly attempting to do better at communicating, her heart warmed toward him. When he unquestioningly helped with the twins, she felt safe, protected.
Yes, for sure. She was hooked. Falling, falling, fallen.
With the one person it would be a complete disaster to love.
* * *
After they’d arrived at Brian and Carla’s house, escorted by his old friend Diego, Jason knew it wouldn’t take long for someone to grill him. Sure enough, the moment he’d helped to carry the twins and the luggage to the guest suite, Brian was on his case, dragging him out to the garage, ostensibly to look at his new motorcycle. “Why didn’t you tell us? She’s a knockout.”
“She’s a friend. That’s all.”
Brian made a skeptical sound as he went to the refrigerator in the garage and pulled out a couple of sodas. “I saw the way you were looking at each other.”
He shrugged. “I like her, sure. But you know better than anyone how I am with women.”
“So you’ve made some dumb mistakes.” Brian tossed him a soda. “You can’t judge everyone by Renea.”
He wasn’t; he was adding Kimmie into the mix, and Gran if it came to that. He’d let them all down.
“How are you doing with Erica’s twins?” Brian took a long swig of soda and then squatted down by his bike. “Check out these straight pipes. I never thought I’d go for them, but they’re cool.”
Jason snorted. “And that makes you think you’re cool. I like the twins, if you can believe it. I even feed ’em and put ’em in their car seats.”
“You?” Brian shook his head as he swung a leg over his bike and sat on it, despite the fact that, even with the garage door closed, it was freezing. “I’m itching to ride this thing, man.”
“Might be time for a trip south.”
“Can’t. Carla’s expecting again.”
“This soon? You better slow yourself down, boy.”
Brian grinned and spread his hands wide. “What can I say, man. I look at her, she gets pregnant.”
“And then you brag about it while she does all the work.” He clapped Brian on the back. “Seriously, man. Happy for you.”
Brian got off the bike and gave it a regretful pat. “I’m getting over my shock that you like a woman with kids. But family’s everything, and if she’s willing to put up with a loser like you, you better grab her.”
“Thanks, pal.” But as they walked back into the house to a cacophony of babies rolling on the floor, guarded by Carla’s two teen daughters, he was surprised to find himself actually considering his friend’s advice. Family life was looking surprisingly good to him.
* * *
“I appreciate your girls taking care of Mikey and Teddy,” Erica said to Carla as she unpacked a few things in the guest suite. “In fact, I appreciate your letting all of us stay with you. Are you sure we’re not putting anyone out?”
“Absolutely sure.” Carla lounged back on the bed and waved an arm toward the rest of the house. “This place is huge. And as for the girls, they’re kind of fascinated by baby twins, since they’re twins themselves.”
“They’re sweethearts.” Erica pulled out the changing supplies and diapers she’d packed for the twins and stacked them on the dresser top. “Did they have delays?”
“Not like yours,” Carla said. “I mean, they were a month premature, but they caught up by age one.”
“You could notice the twins’ delays just from those few minutes?” Erica rubbed the back of her neck. “Are they really that obvious?”
Carla nodded. “I’m glad you’re getting them checked o
ut, and Dr. Chen is the best. Well, except for her bedside manner, from what I’ve heard.”
“She’s not nice?” Erica’s heart sank. “How can a pediatrician have a poor bedside manner?”
“I know, right? It’s not that she’s not nice, it’s just...I heard she’s kind of awkward. But she’s a genius researcher who knows everything babies need.”
Maybe she’ll be too preoccupied or oblivious to notice their lack of a medical history. Erica sat down on the room’s other twin bed and looked around. “This is really nice.”
Carla smiled. “I’m glad to have another adult woman around. Believe me, the fifteen-year-old girls can be a challenge, and other than that, it’s just me and the baby when Brian’s on duty.” She patted her stomach. “And another on the way, so believe me, I grab every moment of girl talk I can get.”
“You’re expecting? Congratulations.” Erica liked the openness of the woman already. It would be nice to be so relaxed and confident in your family life. Even though Erica was blessed, so blessed with the twins, she didn’t anticipate ever being the kind of comfortable-in-her-own-skin wife and mother that Carla was.
“Maybe we can get the girls to make us tea.” Carla leaned forward and listened at the door. “Nah. It’s pretty loud out there. We should hide out in here for a few more minutes.”
Erica stood, stretched and strolled around the room. “I like your samplers. Embroidery like that is getting to be a lost art.” She leaned closer to read them. “Are they just for decoration or from your family?”
“Mine, my parents’ and my grandparents’. And all of us are still around and still married.”
Wow. What would it be like to come from that kind of legacy?
“So where’s your family?” Carla asked, flopping back down on the bed.
Normally, that type of question made Erica self-conscious, but with Carla, she just felt a little sad. “I never knew my grandparents or my dad. My mom had a lot of issues.” Then she broke off.
“Had? So you’re alone in the world?”
“Pretty much. Except for the twins.”
The sound of men’s voices resounded through the house, contrasting with the girl and baby sounds. Jason came to the doorway and looked in. “This looks comfortable.”
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