by Megan Green
“So tell me more about him. What’s he like?” She practically vibrates with excitement.
I laugh. “Tall, dark, and handsome.”
“So pretty much the exact opposite of Chris?” Amanda quips. My stomach turns at the mention of his name. And thus the reason for my apprehension.
Amanda seems to realize her blunder mere milliseconds after it escapes her lips. “Oh shit. I’m sorry, Emma. There I go again. I’m going to shut up now. Forever.”
I smile. “It’s okay, Manda. He is pretty much Chris’s opposite in every way. Not just in looks.”
“And Chris was very handsome,” Haylee adds. I nod at her.
“That he was, Hay. Thanks.”
They both remain silent, waiting for me to continue. Amanda still looks embarrassed, so I try to take her mind off it as quickly as possible.
“So Isaiah. He’s tall, like almost freakishly tall, at least compared to my five-foot-four. I’d say he has about a foot on me. I feel like I need a step ladder whenever I’m standing next to him.”
Haylee giggles. “I bet you’re adorable together. His tallness complimenting your shortness. His dark hair complimenting your blonde.”
“Actually, he doesn’t have any hair. He keeps his head clean shaven.”
Her face falls. “But you said tall, dark, and handsome.” Her confusion is evident in her tone.
“He is. His skin is seriously the most gorgeous shade of brown I’ve ever seen. Like caramel. Or cinnamon. Caramel cinnamon.”
Great. Now I’m thinking of caramel and cinnamon and his skin. Or more like caramel and cinnamon on his skin. My mouth waters. That would be an epic sundae. Two scoops of chocolate doused in caramel and sprinkled with cinnamon. I’d polish that off in five seconds flat. And I ain’t talking about ice cream, if you know what I mean.
I feel my cheeks flush at my dirty thought. Thank God, my friends can’t read minds. That would’ve been embarrassing. Not to mention bordering on creepy. Stop thinking dirty thoughts about your co-worker, Emma.
Haylee interrupts my mental admonishment. “So he’s black?”
I turn to her, surprised. “Is that a problem?”
She immediately shoves my shoulder. “Of course not,” she says indignantly. “I was just clarifying. You know, to make sure I was picturing him right. I couldn’t care less what color his skin is, you know that. All that matters to me is he makes you happy. Does he make you happy?” she asks me pointedly.
I put my hands up. “Woah, woah. Calm down there, Hay. Things are so not at that point. He doesn’t even know I think about him at all outside of work. And I’m ninety-nine percent sure he is not interested in me.”
Amanda scoffs. “Em, you do own a mirror, right? You know what you look like. If he’s male and he’s straight, he’s interested. I guarantee it.”
I wave her off. “Whatever. You’re full of shit. And I can assure you, he’s not interested in me that way. He’s got enough on his plate without adding me to the list.”
Amanda and Haylee both try to speak at the same time, cutting each other off. As they stumble over their words, trying to decide who should speak first, I take advantage of the situation and jump in.
“And even if he were—which he’s not—” I add once more when they both open their mouths to interrupt. “But if he were, it’s not like anything could happen. He’s a client. It wouldn’t be professional.”
Amanda sneers. “Oh please. It’s not like you’re his therapist. There would be nothing wrong with the two of you dating.”
I chuck a pillow at her. “I may not be a licensed therapist, but I still provide a therapeutic service, and it wouldn’t be right. There might not be a formal code of conduct, but I can guarantee my colleagues would frown upon it.”
She waves her hand at me. “Joey wouldn’t give a shit.”
“Not just Joey. I know he wouldn’t care, but I have to worry about the image we present to other groups and therapy offices. If word gets out I go after volunteers—because believe me, that’s what would spread, even if it was just the one time—well, we’d be ruined.”
“Hence the reason you’re bringing this up now. You want our advice,” Haylee says, not a hint of questioning in her voice. See, I told you she knows me better than anyone.
“Yes. I need some advice. This freaks me out a bit. There’s been nobody since Chris. And then the first guy who intrigues me, I can’t do anything about because of my job. So what do I do?”
Haylee puts her hand over mine. “Are you sure it’s just your job making you hesitant to start something with Isaiah?” she asks quietly.
I look away, unable to meet her eyes. “Of course. What else could it be?”
When she doesn’t answer, I’m forced to look at her. Her knowing look makes me immediately lower my eyes again.
“Fine. I might feel a bit guilty as well. I mean, I had this epic love, you know?” My voice thickens, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. “What Chris and I had was amazing. How can I just forget that? It feels like a betrayal even entertaining the thought of being with another man.”
Haylee’s thumb traces over the back of my hand. “Hun, you know he’d want you to be happy.”
I wipe my face, nodding at her words. “I do. I know nothing would’ve made him happier than knowing I was able to move on. To be happy and live my life. But it’s still hard. Why am I allowed to move on with my life while his was cut short?”
I sniff loudly, and Amanda gets up and goes to the bathroom to retrieve tissues. Good thing all traces of my mascara were washed away after the beer incident. My friends don’t need to witness my smeared face twice in one evening.
My two best friends sit on either side of me, each of them wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into them. And once again I’m struck by how much these two mean to me. I love my family. More than life, but the family you choose, your friends, well, they can sometimes come to mean even more. My family loves me unconditionally, I know that, but these girls? They chose to love me. They’ve seen me at my darkest. At my weakest. And they could’ve cut ties and run far, far away, but they didn’t. They owe me nothing. They stayed and held me together during the times I couldn’t do it myself. And I’ll never be able to repay that kind of love. All I can do is offer my meager friendship in return and hope someday I can prove to them how much I love them both.
After my tears dry, Haylee gets up and puts in another movie. “Here we go, Jake Ryan will make us all feel better.”
I laugh. According to Haylee, John Hughes is the perfect prescription for whatever ails you. Normally, I’d agree, but tonight…tonight all these happy couples and teenage angst reminds me of what I’ve been missing. Still, I won’t rain on their parade. I keep my mouth shut and silently watch Jake Ryan try to woo Samantha Baker.
Halfway through the movie, the doorknob twists as a key is entered. Haylee sits up, eyeing the door. Ryan steps through it, taking in the scene before him.
“Blanket fort, huh? Nice touch. You girls have some coloring books in there too?”
Haylee climbs out of our fort and walks over to him. “Ha, ha. You’re so funny, but we have something even better,” she says with a smile, nodding toward the TV.
Ryan looks over at the screen and instantly recognizes the movie. He puts his hands over his heart. “Replaced by Jake Ryan again? You wound me, woman.”
She playfully slaps his arm. “You’ll get over it. What are you doing here, anyway? I’m pretty sure I forbade you from coming home tonight. You should be out living up your newfound bachelorhood tonight.”
Ryan twines an arm around Haylee’s waist, pulling her against him. “I have no interest in being a bachelor or the debauchery it entails. I’m perfectly happy being right here with the old ball and chain. Plus, I couldn’t sleep without giving you a good night kiss.” He closes his lips over hers as soon as he gets the last word out. Haylee wraps her arms around his neck, deepening their kiss. From the looks of it, they’ve comple
tely forgotten there are two other people in the room.
After a few seconds of watching them make out, Amanda apparently decides she’s had enough. She coughs loudly.
“Come on, you two. Get a room. Do you see Justin here, banging down the door in order to give me a goodnight kiss? I’m pretty sure you two can survive one night without each other.”
“Actually,” a new voice breaks in from out on the front porch. Justin steps through the door, smiling faintly. “I couldn’t sleep either. Ryan and I decided to come crash girls’ night and give our women proper good nights.” He walks slowly across the room, leaning down when he reaches Amanda. He slides his fingers into her hair, bringing her face to his.
“Good night, babe. Sleep tight.”
Amanda looks a little dazed as he pulls away. Haylee walks out to the car with the guys, leaving me to sit with Amanda and her bewilderment.
After a moment, she turns to me. “Have I ever said how much I love that man?”
I laugh at her distracted tone and, as happy as I am for my friends and their amazing husbands, I can’t help feeling slightly jealous. My earlier thoughts return. I’m missing out on so much by keeping myself closed off to love. But how can I allow it in? It wouldn’t be fair to Chris.
As if reading my thoughts, Amanda falls back into the pillows, pulling me with her. When we hit the mountain of feathers, she turns to me. “You deserve that, Em. You deserve all of it and more, and believe me when I say, Chris will look down with nothing but happiness and gratitude for the man who finally gives it to you. He loved you more than anything, in this life or the next.”
Tears are welling in my eyes again at her words. I know she’s right. I know it’s what he’d want. And as of today, I’m going to try following his wishes.
“When did you get so smart?” I ask, linking my arm through hers.
“Pfft. I’ve always been smart. You bitches were just too dumb to see it.”
We dissolve into laughter, and Haylee finds us curled around each other, fighting for breath through our giggles and tears. She doesn’t even question it. She just lays beside us and wraps her arms around us.
This is what home feels like.
I walk through my front door the next morning, knowing immediately Joey is gone. It’s far too quiet for him to be here. He’s a constant state of motion. The man never sits still for longer than five seconds. So the fact that there’s no thumping of his footsteps, no sounds of hammering or any other of his many tools, or even the simple sound of the TV, alerts me to the fact that he isn’t home. I make my way into the kitchen to grab some water and a granola bar before heading out to see the dogs. Upon entering, I find a note on the table.
Sadness fills my heart upon hearing his dad is injured. I’ve met him several times, and he is such a sweet man. I make a mental note to send him some flowers or something. A smile breaks out across my face. Okay, maybe not flowers. He’s Joey’s dad, after all. I’ll swing by the liquor store this evening and grab a bottle of Scotch I can FedEx him. It’ll help dull the pain from his leg and also from Joey’s bad jokes. I giggle at my own attempt at humor. At least I think I’m funny.
I set the note back on the table, deciding to quickly run upstairs to get changed before heading outside. I pull on a pair of lightweight sweatpants and a thin, short-sleeved top. It’s only April, but the heat of the impending summer is already thickening the air.
The whines start before I even reach the kennel. These dogs have killer hearing. I swear they can hear me the second I step out on the porch. And if they know I’m around, they always want out.
I open the door to the kennels and step inside. Jasper and Loki bound forward, their little paws coming to rest on the gate of the large cage they’re in. I smile and open it, expecting to be swarmed. Instead, as soon as the gate swings wide, both turn and run back into the depths of the kennel. That’s strange. My heart rate kicks up a notch as I step inside, a dark sense of foreboding washing over me.
My hand flies to my mouth when I see her. Laying on her side in the shadows of the kennel, Maggie tries to lift her head as I approach. She quickly gives up and sets it back down with a sigh. I rush to her side, gently pushing Lucy, Zoey, and Max out of the way. They immediately gather protectively around her again, not letting her out of their sight.
I place my hands gently on Maggie’s stomach, the bloating apparent the moment I touch her. My left hand flies to my pocket, searching for my phone. Not there. Fuck. I must’ve left it in my bedroom. I look back to Maggie and hesitate. I don’t want to leave her, but sitting here with her won’t do her any good if I’m not able to help her. I lean down and kiss her head.
“I’ll be right back, baby girl.”
She whines a little when I stand, and my heart breaks. I sprint across the yard and am pulling up the number for our veterinarian’s office within moments. I briefly commend myself on having the foresight to program their number into my phone, saving myself the time of having to find their number. A woman answers on the second ring.
“New Harmony Animal Hospital, this is…”
“My dog is sick,” I interrupt. Even to my own ears my voice sounds frazzled. Normally, I’d be furious with myself for being so impolite, but Maggie is sick, and she needs me. I don’t have time for niceties.
I’m running back to the kennels as I huff out an explanation. “I just got home, and she can barely move. Her stomach is protruding, and I have no clue what is wrong. I think she must’ve gotten into something she wasn’t supposed to. I don’t know. I do know she needs help. Now.”
The woman’s voice remains calm. “Has she been vomiting?”
“I don’t know!” I shout into the phone. I wince. Exasperation is going to get me nowhere. I take a deep breath and continue. “Like I said, I just got home. I came out here to check on her, and she was just lying there. I was gone overnight. My business partner was here, but he had to leave due to a family emergency. He left me a note telling me she’d been acting a bit off this morning, He chalked it up to her missing me, but she’s sick. Can you please help me?”
Softness fills the woman’s voice. “Of course we can. Can you get her into your vehicle?”
The thought of moving Maggie when she’s in so much pain kills me, but I tell her yes, and she agrees to have an exam room and the vet ready and waiting for me when I get there in ten minutes. I mutter out some semblance of thanks and shove my phone in my pocket. Shooing the puppies away from their mother, I lift Maggie into my arms. The groan she lets out when I lift her has tears stinging my eyes. I send a silent prayer to whoever might be listening.
Please let her be okay. I can’t lose her. I can’t.
I walk as quickly as I can to the car without jostling her. After laying her across the backseat, I turn to climb into the driver’s side. Loki tugs on my pant leg. I look over my shoulder and see all of the puppies making their way down the stairs and across the driveway. I debate for a moment on what to do. Do I wrangle them up and leave them in their kennel? But what if I’m gone for several hours? They’re too young to be on their own for long. And who will feed them? Let them out?
Determining I don’t have time to sit here and argue with myself, I pick Loki up and set him on my seat. I gather the rest and pack them into the front seat next to me. Maggie takes up most of the backseat, and I don’t want to risk one of them tumbling over on her, causing her even more pain. So instead, I try to fit five golden retriever puppies on the passenger seat and take off for the vet’s office. A few weeks ago, this would’ve been much easier. But even though they’re still young, they’re growing like weeds. My tiny puppies aren’t so tiny anymore.
I skid to a stop in front of the vet’s office, throwing my car into park in what’s clearly marked as a no parking zone. But at this moment, I couldn’t care less. Let them tow my car for all I give a shit. I rush to the backseat and gather Maggie. A woman holds the door open for me as I approach. This must be who I spoke with on the phone. I shoot her a gra
cious look as she directs me to a room. As promised, the vet meets me there. I place Maggie on the exam table. Only then do I finally take my first real breath since stepping inside that kennel twenty minutes ago. It’s in his hands now.
I stand in the corner, wringing my hands as he examines her. When he reaches her stomach and presses lightly, she whines, and I almost go to my knees. The woman comes up beside me and places her arm around my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I’m so grateful to her in that moment. I’m not sure I would’ve remained standing otherwise.
“There’s some sort of intestinal blockage. Let’s get an x-ray to be sure.” The vet looks to the woman beside me, who pats my shoulder gently and moves to his side. She smooths her hand over Maggie’s face.
“Such a good girl. Let’s get you fixed up so you can go home with your momma here, okay? That’s a good girl.”
The vet wheels over a chair and gently lifts Maggie into it. “I’ll be right back with her,” he says, both of them disappearing out the door with my baby.
I slump in my chair, my head coming to rest on my knees. Absently, I notice the wet spot on my pants where Loki latched on.
Loki.
I was in such a rush to get Maggie in here I completely forgot about the puppies. I leap from the chair, rushing out to the car. I know only a few minutes have passed, but guilt rises in my chest. I can’t believe I left them all alone. I walk through the doors and see all five of them, paws on the side of the door, noses pressed against the glass.
At the sight of them, the slight resolve I’ve been able to hold onto cracks. I open the door and climb into the seat, trying to pull each of them into my arms at once. I sob into soft, golden fur as they each curl into me.
Please let her be okay.
Almost ten hours later, I finally pull back into my driveway. I’m bone tired and pretty sure I’ve sprouted a head full of gray hair from all the worrying and stressing I’ve done today, but I’m home now. With the puppies. And with Maggie.