I think to myself, This was for the best. All of this.
And maybe I should feel worse for Roger and the security guard and the rest of the human race, but I can’t help but wonder that maybe we need these kinds of moments. Not moments of quiet, but moments when our lives are upended by violent tragedy, monsters, zombies, because without them, how would we meet the men and women of our dreams, how would we make up for the sins of our pasts, how would we show our true natures—brave, caring, strong, intelligent?
I wonder, How would we?
And then it happens: I slip. I’m looking one way and moving the other, and maybe there’s a wet spot, or a blood spot, or a stray piece of gray matter, some viscous thing that grabs just enough of a hold over the toe of my boot, and I fall forward. Falling like this, so unprepared, so forcefully, hurts more than I could have imagined it would, and the wind is knocked out of me.
As I land, out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight of them coming for me. But I’m not done yet. I can pull myself up. I can pull myself to my feet and run and run harder and faster than I’ve ever run before. I can make it to those doors and burst through them and into the parking lot and find my car. I can outrun those bastards and start this all over. I will watch less television. I will spend more time outside. I will foster stray animals and donate to charity walk-a-thons and look both ways at intersections. I will call my sister and apologize for what I said to her on her wedding day. I will let love into my heart. I can survive this. I can run and my life will be different and I will not look back. I will gun the engine and peel out of the parking lot and merge onto the traffic-less freeway and speed down newly empty streets, and not look back, not once look back.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to the many people who have helped me pull this collection together, most notably Dinaw Mengestu, who nudged me forward just when I needed nudging, and PJ Mark and Megan Lynch who, when I was nudged in their directions, saw my work and liked it and took it upon themselves to help me make it better.
To Jennifer and Kit at the Paris Bakery, who not only opened their doors to me but gave me a key and license to drink as much day-old coffee as I could stomach, I’m very much in your debt. I’m grateful to Ryan Bartelmay, Mark Binelli, Bryan Dunn, Julia Holmes, Hillery Hugg, E. Tyler Lindvall, Meredith Phillips, Liza Powell, Jessica Lamb-Shapiro, and Marcela Valdes for suffering through early first drafts of these stories and remaining my friend afterwards. Thanks also goes out to Judy Budnitz, Maureen Howard, Heidi Julavits, Paul LaFarge, Ben Marcus, and Victoria Redel for helping me find a good way to write the stories I wanted to write when I first decided I wanted to write them. And to everyone who’s ever given me a job and didn’t mind that I wrote while on the job or didn’t notice that I wrote while on the job, thanks.
Nothing I’ve done would have been possible, of course, without the love and support of my parents, Juan & Juanita Gonzales, and my sister, Cecilia Gonzales. And no one means more to me or to this work of mine than you, Sharon.
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