by G. Benson
“Well, almost.” Hayden looked from Sofia to Abuela. “But that’s why it was quiet and no big deal. Because it was what we wanted.”
Her lips still felt too warm.
“Well.” Sofia held up a glass, lips curved up, something genuine in her action that made Hayden feel a little better. “To you two. May you stay happy.”
Sam relaxed back into Hayden. They all raised their glasses, clinking them together, and Hayden took a long sip. The fizz of the champagne Sam had ordered bubbled over her tongue.
“Felicidades.” Abuela even managed to make her congratulations sound sincere.
“Gracias, Abuela.”
“Thank you.” Sam took an even longer sip of her drink than Hayden, and on impulse, Hayden turned her head toward her properly as she lowered the glass. She pressed her lips over the corner of Sam’s. Sam went very tense for a second, and Hayden felt a loosening as she relaxed and turned, dipping her head to kiss Hayden properly. Sam’s lips tasted of champagne and surprise, especially as Hayden deepened the kiss lightly. It was the quick kind of kiss a newly-married couple would press on each other’s lips in front of family at a toast in their honor. But even as she pulled back, Sam’s eyes fluttering open to meet hers, the softness of Sam’s lips lingered on her own. For a second, the buzz of the restaurant died away. The green of Sam’s eyes was almost unnoticeable, her pupils dilated in the dim restaurant.
The affection was getting easier, now that they were more comfortable with each other. Maybe that was all she could feel in the gaze that felt heavy on her face. Hayden could feel Sam’s breath washing over her lips, and Hayden swallowed as that look slipped away.
They pulled apart. Hayden didn’t have to fake the coy dip of her head at the delight on her family’s faces. Her family was loud, and they never had qualms about doling out hugs and kisses in front of each other. When they resumed their meal, Abuela had calmed down with her questions. Mostly.
“What your family do, Samantha?” she asked.
Well, that was an interesting one. Hayden munched on her food and turned, watching her.
“Finance.”
That wasn’t interesting enough for Abuela to want to prod at. Which was a pity, because while Hayden wasn’t allowed to ask about family, Abuela could probably get away with it.
“You have sisters? Brothers?”
“A brother. He’s much younger than I am and a bit of an idiot.”
“Brothers always are,” Abuela said. “I have four. They are all idiots.”
Sofia snorted. “Even Tío Juan?”
“Especially Tío Juan.”
“Tío Juan is Abuela’s brother,” Hayden said to Sam. “He could murder someone, and she’d still adore him.”
“No. He is an idiot,” Abuela repeated.
Her grandmother’s lie prompted a shared look of amusement between Hayden and Sofia.
“When we meet your family?” Abuela’s eagle eye was back on Sam.
Another interesting question.
“They’re based in New York and don’t really travel. Perhaps when you come to visit?”
That was incredibly clever. As if Hayden’s family could afford to go there, especially with Hayden’s mother.
Abuela huffed. “Family living everywhere in this country makes the life hard.”
When the bill came, Hayden breathed a sigh of relief. They’d made it through dinner, even if her lips were tingling from the spicy sauce. Sam insisted on paying, to everyone’s protests, and Sofia drove them home. Abuela was suspiciously quiet. It was bordering on late, so when they got in, Javi was already asleep. The assistant, a friendly guy called Abdul, met them at the door.
“Everything okay?” Sofia asked him.
He gave a nod. “She fell asleep after her evening meds, like normal. She’s upstairs still. I checked on her five minutes ago. She was really agitated before the meds, though.”
“What about?” Hayden asked.
“She was insisting that she had work. I tried to distract her, but it didn’t do much. She kept trying to leave. So I hope it’s okay, but Javi and I went for a walk with her, in the hope it would help.”
“That’s more than fine,” Sofia said. “How was Javi?”
“Javi wanted six stories. We compromised on two.”
Hayden laughed. “You’re less of a sucker than me. I give in.”
He winked. “Okay, I may have lied, and he really got all six.”
He waved goodbye and closed the door behind him, leaving Sofia, Sam and Hayden in the entrance. Abuela had disappeared to the kitchen. She never went to sleep without tea.
“Samantha!” Her voice boomed down the hallway.
Sam jumped, and Sofia and Hayden chuckled. “Ah, yes?”
“Come. Have tea. It will help you sleep.”
With a pleading look at both of them, Sam took a step toward the kitchen.
Sofia held up her hands. “Don’t look at us. She asked for you.” She grinned. “You joined this family willingly.”
Sam threw Hayden one more look and walked to the kitchen.
Hayden pulled off her coat and hung it by the door on the stand, taking Sofia’s when she handed it over. Turning back, Hayden paused. Sofia was appraising her.
“What?”
“You’ve been avoiding being alone with me all day.”
“Have not.”
She totally had.
“Hayds.” Sofia pushed her shoulder, and Hayden was warm inside at the familiar, frustrated gesture. “I’m not going to lecture you.”
Maybe that was partly why she’d avoided being along with her sister. And also because Hayden didn’t want to lie more than she had to.
“Okay, sorry. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.” Hayden missed her sister at times, but she was also relieved to be away from the pressure that came from this house—from the eyes always judging her, from the woman sleeping upstairs, from the grandmother that wanted her to live her life but also thought a little less of her for disappearing.
“But marriage?” Here it comes. “After Dad?”
“Yeah, I know. People change.”
Hayden hadn’t, but Sofia didn’t need to know that.
Sofia was still eyeing her. “Well, fine. She seems—”
“Mami!”
The insistent child’s voice floated down the stairs, and Sofia winced. “Talk more tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” Hayden couldn’t think of anything worse than that conversation. “Of course.”
“Great. Can you check on Mom while I check on Javi?”
Ice filled Hayden’s stomach, even as she said, “Yeah. Of course.”
“Mami!”
“¡Voy!” Sofia called “Coming.”
She led the way upstairs, and Hayden paused at the room her mother and Abuela shared. Abuela was an incredibly light sleeper. And considering Hayden’s mother had disappeared once before at night, it was necessary she shared a room with someone who could wake up at the slightest noise. One day, it would all fall apart around them, and they’d need to start talking about putting her mother in full-time care. They’d danced around the topic a lot but had never really committed to it.
None of them were ready for that. Especially while they could still manage. Especially while Abuela was so opposed to the idea.
She pushed the door open quietly and padded in, the light from the hall flooding the space just enough to light up the bed against one wall. Her mom was curled up in the middle of the mattress, and Hayden’s stomach ached at how she looked the most like her mother when she slept. Her mom’s face was smoothed out from the agitation and confusion it often wore, no sign of the anger that often boiled over: a side effect of the fear.
Anything could make her mom panic with no warning. An idea would implant in her mind, and sidetracking her was hard. She’d want to cook for a gathering she thought she had the next day, or she’d think she needed to check something that wasn’t actually in the oven. She’d want to shop at four
in the morning or would wake up sobbing and hysterical, with no idea where she was, a child again but unable to recognize the mother bending over her who’d aged too much to be the version Paola remembered.
It was all so hard to be around.
That lump was back in Hayden’s throat, and she remembered how Sam had soothed her mother on the step, how her mother had simply sat back down next to her.
Hayden turned and walked out, her hand on the door handle she’d tugged on to close the door. Sam stood on the landing, a cup of tea in her hand.
“Your grandmother made me promise to make you drink this.”
Hayden, still a little shaky from the flood of thoughts, held out her hand.
“Thank you.” The mug was hot, as were Sam’s fingers as they brushed against Hayden’s. There was something strange about standing here with emotion crawling up her throat and Sam considering her with a careful eye in her childhood home with her mother asleep behind her, her mind lost. Hayden suddenly wanted to crawl out of her own skin to escape this feeling she couldn’t name.
“You’re welcome. I didn’t think I should say no to her.”
The small laugh Hayden gave eased a little of the tightness in her chest. “Yeah, you learn fast.”
The footsteps on the stairs made Sam turn, and Abuela emerged. “She is sleeping?”
“Yes. She’s out.”
“Good. Since her new medicine, she is sleeping better at night. Though sometimes…”
“What?”
“She still wake up at three or four. Wanting to go walking or pick you girls up from school.”
That tightness was back in Hayden’s chest. “Oh.” She was never good at talking about this.
Abuela threw her hands up. “This is the life. I need to sleep, cariño. I used the bathroom downstairs, so this one is free. Samantha, good night.”
“Good night.”
Abuela walked up and kissed both of Hayden’s cheeks, her cheek soft and fragile against Hayden’s own.
“Buenas noches, Abuela.”
“Hasta mañana.”
And she disappeared into the room behind Hayden, leaving Sam and Hayden alone again, the cup in Hayden’s hand slowly burning her skin.
“Do you want a shower?” Hayden asked.
“I’d prefer to wait until the morning.” Sam hesitated. “If that’s okay?”
“Sure. Well, I’m going to shower. I’ll, uh…see you in a bit.”
Hayden grabbed her things from her suitcase while Sam hovered in the hall. Toiletries. Pajamas. Underwear. In the hall, she heard Sofia murmur a good night to Sam and call good night to Hayden.
She slipped out the door, holding her things against her chest, her cup still in one hand. Sam had her phone out, back against the wall, most likely trying not to look awkward.
“Night, Sofe.”
“See you in the morning. Be warned Javi might run in.” Sofia winked as she walked down the hall.
Hayden made herself chuckle but avoided Sam’s eyes as she headed for the bathroom, even as she took Hayden’s cup for her. The room heated up as she turned the shower on right away, wanting to have a while to decompress. It wasn’t until steam was billowing out of the shower, the mirror fogging over, that she stepped under the spray, hair in a pile on top of her head. It was so strange being back in this house. After being in her mom’s room, her fingers had started to feel cold, that uncomfortable feeling she always had when facing the truth of all this squirming in her stomach as the cold spread. Being home was like being hit with a truth bomb.
Her mom. Her sister. Abuela. Javi, who saw the world so simply.
Sam being a part of it all.
It had felt weirdly normal today to let Sam rest her hand on her shoulder and press close at dinner. Hayden wasn’t someone to sensationalize a kiss, but it was strange that it had been so simple to do. Being in Sam’s space was starting to feel…normal. Which was good for their charade. But it was strange to think that the two of them were actually at a point of comfort with each other.
And Hayden’s lips were still tingling. It had reached a point where she couldn’t blame the spice from dinner. Her fingertips no longer felt cold, warmth was spreading through her body.
Sam had really soft skin. And soft lips. And she had huffed against Hayden in her slight surprise, before she’d kissed her back.
Clearly, it had been far too long since Hayden had kissed anyone. The squirming feeling in her stomach had eased, and a pool of warmth had settled there in its place. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she leaned against the wall, running her fingers against her lips ever so gently, down her cheek, down her neck. She found herself imagining it was someone else’s skin under her sensitive fingertips.
It had been months—months and months—since she’d touched someone else in any way that wasn’t platonic. As her fingers ran against her breast and over her nipple, her lips parting at the touch, images from that last time danced in her mind: a woman with blonde hair and fair skin. They’d met through Luce and after a few dates, had fallen into bed. She’d moaned so loudly that Hayden had smiled against the dip where her hip met her stomach.
She slid her hand between her own legs and bit her lip, remembering how the woman had dug her nails into Hayden’s skin when she’d first touched her. The sound of her own breath echoed in the room, the steam hopefully muffling the sound. The last of the tension that had swept over her had now dissipated completely.
It didn’t surprise her when she came undone against her own hand minutes later, that it had been fair skin and red hair instead in her mind at the end. She stood under the spray a minute longer, her lip hurting where she’d bitten it to keep herself quiet, amused at the entire episode.
Maybe it wasn’t surprising, but if thinking of Sam had made her come, it really had been far too long. And the frustrating thing was this was about all she could do about it. No way could she could risk going out and meeting anyone. It could blow the entire charade if anyone that shouldn’t see saw it. And she’d never really enjoyed one-night stands. She liked going out, dating, taking a bit of time.
Feeling better, with her mind half-asleep, Hayden got out and dried off, dressing quickly. She tiptoed down the now-quiet hallway and opened the door, her legs only a little wobbly. Sam was sitting in bed, her knees drawn up under the blankets. Sleep was clamoring at Hayden’s eyes, and she decided to embrace it. People shared beds all the time without it being a thing. The surprise earlier today had knocked them for a second, but only because they were idiots who didn’t think ahead about things. All she wanted to do was sleep after the day she’d had anyway, and the shower had done nothing to stave off her sleepiness. For…reasons.
To embrace her newfound desire to not make it weird, Hayden flopped face-first next to Sam, her face hitting the pillow with a soft thump. When she finally rolled her head around to look up at Sam with one eye, Sam was doing the thing with her lips that meant she was trying not to smile.
“Tired?” Sam asked.
Hayden nodded, feeling her hair frizz around her ears. “Aren’t you?”
“I am. But I like to read something before I sleep.” She held her phone against her knees, but her attention was on Hayden.
“I sometimes do, normally after night shift when I can’t sleep. Not tonight. Tonight, I’ll sleep like a baby.”
She closed her eyes, almost as if on cue. Wriggling and refusing to lift her head up, she kicked the blanket down bit by bit from under her, rolling and lifting her hips to get it all the way down to her feet so she could kick it up without having to sit up. When it was finally almost at her hips, she reached backward blindly and pulled it over herself. Satisfied with its position on her body, she nestled more into her pillow. She opened that eye again. Sam was now smirking openly.
“What?” Hayden asked.
“That was interesting to watch.”
“It was the easiest way.”
“Was it, Hayden?”
She closed her eyes again. “
Mhm.”
She heard Sam give something like a laugh and then only the very subtle sound of her thumb tapping at her screen.
Had Hayden thought about that thumb, a little, in the shower? About where it could be touching her?
Well, now she felt too hot.
This was awkward. Abort that thought process completely.
“Are you okay?”
Hayden’s eye flew open. The other was still mashed into her pillow. “Why?” Was her heart speeding up? Could Sam read thoughts?
No. Of course she couldn’t.
But what if she could?
“I imagine today hasn’t been easy. You seem very private about these things at home. And I’ve been here, in that space. And you’ve been having to pretend to like me.”
That was surprisingly on point for Sam. Had she been searching “why is my friend mildly panicking after sharing a big secret” on the Internet?
“It’s been weird. I won’t lie. But Sam…” Her shoulders relaxed into the bed more, the truth of what she was saying easier than the lies. “I don’t have to pretend to like you.”
Silence. Then, “Oh.”
“I think—” Hayden lowered her voice as if about to offer up a big secret and laced some ironic humor into her words “—I think we may be becoming friends.”
Pink bloomed over Sam’s cheeks. “Oh.”
“And normally, you’re the eloquent one.”
“Well, we did acknowledge you don’t like me when we started this.”
Had Sam been preoccupied with that? “True. But sometimes I have been known to make harsh judgments. You’re…okay, I guess.”
Sam rolled her eyes, and for the first time, Hayden saw that warmth in them that she’d seen when Sam had rolled her eyes at her brother. “Well,” Sam said, “high praise. Thank you.”
“Anytime. So, are we?”
“What?”
Sam’s warmth radiated from under the blanket. The bed was comfortable. Her pillow was plump. Again, her eyes drifted shut.
“You know, friends?” Hayden asked.
Silence buzzed around them, and Hayden resisted the urge to open her eyes and look at Sam to see if she displayed any emotion that would give her feelings away. Of course, she might have gone back to her phone, freaked out by all the talk of feelings.