Sympathy pricked at her and she struggled to rid herself of the sentiment. Feeling sorry for him would be the surest way to break the walls she’d built around her heart. She couldn’t help it, though. It wasn’t the pain or the way he struggled to get from one room to the next. It was the sadness and defeat lurking behind the depths of his eyes. Where had the arrogance, and the confidence gone? The fight to succeed?
“You’ve not changed the house much,” she commented, realizing this was the first time she’d stepped foot back in the home they’d shared without Cody there as a buffer. The realization made her all too aware of her ex-husband and heat suffused her.
Jeremy glanced around, indifference marking his face, then shrugged. “There was no need.”
Reaching into her purse, she pulled out the folded sheet of construction paper and slid it over the table toward him. “Here, Cody made this for you.”
He lifted the hand-made card, read the front, opened it and read the inside. The faintest glimmer of a smile graced his face, bolstering her hope. Jeremy cared for his son; she just had to find a way through to him. “Did he spell all this on his own?”
“He had a little help, but he wrote ‘love,’ ‘dad’ and his name all by himself.”
“Smart kid. Must get that from you.”
“Kindergarten started this week,” she told him, ignoring his last remark.
“I know. You sent me the pictures of his first day.”
“So you did get them.” She bit her tongue, choosing her next words carefully. “Cody was hoping you would call.”
“I had therapy all day.”
Of course he’d have an excuse. He always had one. And to think she’d felt sorry for him just a few minutes ago. She took a deep breath, collecting her thoughts. Maybe she shouldn’t have brought up Cody wanting to hear from him, but dammit, she was a mother. She wasn’t going to give up on reuniting her son with his father.
“Can we cut to the chase?” he asked, shifting awkwardly in the chair and flexing his good leg. “What’s this business proposition?”
“Remember Mr. Raver?” she began.
“Yeah, the one who started Whisperings Winds’ breeding program, right?”
“He’s retiring, leaving us at the end of this month.”
“Good for him, making the choice to retire,” Jeremy retorted with a bitter edge. “What do I have to do with any of this?”
She sucked in a breath, biting back the response she wanted to give, opting instead to tell him her plan. “Here’s the deal. We need a replacement, someone who already knows what they’re doing. Dad wants to expand into serious stock contracting, also. You’re the person we need.”
“No,” he answered resolutely.
She’d expected opposition, but not an immediate refusal. “Will you at least think about it? Cody would love to have you right there near him. and it will give you something to do while your leg heals.”
“The answer is no, Lanie.” His eyes darkened, his voice unwavering.
Running her fingers through her hair, Lanie contemplated her next move. Suddenly her throat went dry and her mouth felt like sandpaper. “Do you have any water?” she asked, hating to ask for anything else from him.
He arched his thumb toward the fridge. “There are some bottles in there.”
Opening the stainless steel French door, she quickly spotted the bottles sitting on the top shelf. She grabbed one and took a sip. “Why not?”
“I don’t owe you an explanation.”
Losing her cool, she raised her voice. “Maybe not, but you do owe your son an explanation for why you refuse to be in his life.”
He slammed his fists on the table and jumped up, stumbling on his lame leg. “Don’t you get it? He’s better off without me in his life.”
“That’s a bunch of convenient bullshit. For once in your life, be honest. Not for me, not for yourself but for Cody. Your son.”
“Dammit, that is the truth.” He leaned against the island counter, relieving some of the weight off his leg. His voice dropped to such a low octave, she had to strain to hear him. “Don’t you think I want to be in his life? I tried, Lanie, honest to God I did. It took a while, after you left, but I realized how badly I screwed up and tried to be the dad Cody deserves. I wasn’t perfect, but I was learning.”
His face was pained, revealing a depth she’d forgotten he had. “Then why give up? You’ve never been a quitter, Jeremy; you’re a fighter. You might be a jerk, but you’ve got grit.”
“Can you hand me a water?” She obliged, waiting for him to continue. In slow motion, he took a drink, his expression drifting to a far off place. “The day of the accident, Cody wanted ice cream. I told him we’d take him out, but Tara insisted on having her fancy iced coffee drink first. The little café that sells them is on the other side of town from the ice cream parlor. I was trying to placate Tara, keep her happy, so we went to get her iced coffee first. We never made it to get ice cream. If I’d have just put my son first, he wouldn’t have gotten hurt. What kind of father puts the flavor-of-the-week girlfriend above his own child? A piss-poor one, that’s who.”
The vehemence behind his confession shook Lanie, and she blinked back her surprise. In every scenario and conversation she’d imagined for when she confronted Jeremy, and she’d conjured up quite a few, this is one she’d never expected. And for once, she didn’t doubt that what he said was true. He genuinely believed that Cody was better off without him in his life. She stepped closer to him, feeling sad for him. “The accident wasn’t your fault; you didn’t run the red light.”
“It was my selfishness that put us at the traffic light,” he insisted.
“Selfish for making your son wait for ice cream? I’ve made him wait plenty of times for something. It’s called being a parent. You had no way of knowing what would happen; no one does or there’d never be accidents. You’ve screwed up plenty, but that wasn’t one of those times.”
“You said it yourself. I’m a screw up and the worse kind because I have no one to blame but myself. There isn’t some sad story from my childhood or a traumatic life event that changed me and made me this way. I messed up all on my own. Cody deserves a better dad than me; there’s you answer. That’s why I can’t help you because it would be too damn hard to see him every day knowing what a failure I am.” He spit the last words out, drowning in self-loathing.
“Are you done with your pity-party?” She crossed her arms, not backing down.
“That’s not what it is. I want the best for him, and I’m not it.”
Her heart broke that he really believed that. “How many times did you get knocked off the bull and miss a qualifying score?” she asked.
“Plenty.”
“But yet, you’re a world champion bull-rider.”
“Your point?”
“Even the best fall. The accident threw you off and upset your world. I get that, but it doesn’t mean you’re out of the game. So you might not be able to return to bull-riding- take this time and do something good. Come help us. Whispering Winds needs you.” She reached over and placed a palm on his forearm. “Cody needs you.”
He flinched, looking down at her fingers grazing against his bare arm. She jerked it away, refusing to acknowledge the searing heat in her hand, and picked up the bottle of water she’d set on the counter.
“You can be a good dad; I’ve seen it in you and I know it’s there. Someone who didn’t have it in him, wouldn’t feel like you do now. You’ve got to believe that. Cody misses you. Regardless of what you decide about joining Whispering Winds, please don’t keep pushing Cody away and shutting him out. He needs you in his life, not some substitute father figure.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed, but he remained silent. She could only pray her impassioned plea had broken through his barriers. Her heart beat erratically waiting for a response. So much was on the line- for the ranch, for Cody, for…
“I’m hungry.”
Thrown off kilter by the abrupt chan
ge of subject, she had a rapid onset of the fidgets and twisted the water bottle’s lid on and off. “Okay, well, I’ll go now and let you get on with your day.”
“Come out to eat with me. You can tell me more about what the job would entail.”
How much more awkwardness could she fit in one day? “I need to get back on the road soon,” she lied. No one was expecting her back until late evening since she’d planned on taking some alone time after the meeting with Jeremy.
“You still need to eat. It’s a two-three hour drive each way.”
“If you’re interested, Dad and Jase can give you more details.”
“I’m sure you know enough to tell me the basics.”
“I don’t think it’s such a good idea,” she protested. Not for her, anyway. Being in close proximity to him was doing strange things to her.
“One meal, that’s all I’m asking.” He wagged his eyebrows, allowing a lazy grin to extend across his face. Gone was the unfamiliar, sullen man, replaced by the charismatic cowboy. “I promise not to bite.”
The scoundrel knew she was uncomfortable and taking full advantage of it. He was also too damn charming when he wanted to be. “Let me call Clay and make sure he didn’t have plans for us this afternoon.”
“Clay?” Jeremy raised his eyebrows.
“My boyfriend.” Jeremy didn’t need to know that Clay was working late tonight and had no plans for later, but she felt a ridiculous urge to make it clear she was in a relationship; an urge she wasn’t going to explore the meaning behind.
“What’s the pay?” Jeremy asked Lanie, incredulous that he was actually considering taking the position.
“Does it really matter?” she asked, her lips twisted in a flippant smile.
“Nah, not really,” he answered. He didn’t need the money.
“It’s paltry compared to what you’re used to.” She gave a number that was, indeed, far less than what he’d earned on a bad day.
“Wouldn’t be for the money anyway.” It would be for my son, he added silently.
“So you’re thinking about it?” Her eyes widened with hopefulness, her ears perked up.
“Maybe.” He shrugged noncommittally. “I’m still a little surprised your family would even want me there.”
“There was some opposition, but Dad left the final decision up to me. The ranch is big enough that we’d barely have to see each other, except for Cody.”
“And Jase?”
“You’ll be working primarily with him.”
“Does he know that?”
“Yeah, well, he’ll come to terms with it.” Lanie stared with fervor at her drink, stirring it with the clear plastic draw until it looked like a funnel cloud was in the tea. Her lack of eye contact told him all he needed to know.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Look, I know this is unconventional. I’m not even completely sure how I feel about it, but I know Cody wants to be a part of your life, and I know you can be an asset to Whispering Winds.”
“I’ll think about it; that’s all I can commit to for now.”
“Would you like to see the dessert menu?” the waitress asked. He hadn’t seen her approach the table. Jeremy glanced to Lanie, deferring the decision to her.
“Just some coffee, please,” she answered.
He could kick himself for the small measure of happiness he felt that she’d not ended their meal right away. That was a road of false hope that crashed into a dead end. “My legs barely let me stand for more than a few minutes.” The obvious fact pained him to admit out loud. “I’m not sure how much help I can be.”
“Dad knows that, but you know every aspect of the business; from the labor involved to the administrative roles. Much of your time, especially the next few months, will be spent networking and drumming up business.”
“Sounds boring,” he slipped, not meaning to say the words.
“But you’re good at it. You could charm the socks off a snake if you wanted to badly enough.”
He shook his head, chuckling; really laughing for the first time in months. “That makes no sense.”
“You have charisma, Jeremy. People are drawn to you; you’d be a natural salesman. Heaven knows I fell for it once upon a time.” A tinge of pink touched her cheeks and she hastily continued. “Besides, come spring, when your legs are much better, you’ll be partnering with Jase to collect, uh, deposits from the studs and then training. You will be so busy, boring won’t even cross your mind.”
“Still primarily quarter horses or have you all branched out.”
“Just quarter horses. We have a few Arabians on the premise, but they’re not part of the breeding program. Dad, or Jase, can tell you all the specifics. Most of my work is done at the guest side; Allie and her mom have been great about taking me under their wings.”
The waitress set a cup of coffee in front of each of them, pulled a tab from her lace trimmed apron and laid their ticket upside down on the table. “No rush, whenever you’re ready.”
“Thanks.” Jeremy slid the bill to his side of the table, acknowledging that he was paying for their meal.
Lanie pulled a crisp twenty dollar bill from her wallet and pushed it toward him. “This should cover mine, plus the tip.”
“I got this one. Don’t worry about it.” He went to push it away and their fingertips collided.
His chest tightened and he couldn’t breathe. What the hell was wrong with him? They’d been divorced over two years, closer to three, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t been with a woman since then. So why, for the second time today, did the most innocent touch from her throw him into a tailspin. Today was the longest length of time they’d spent together since they’d separated; the only time they’d been together without Cody also being present. Nostalgia. That’s all it was. He’d been watching the replay of his championship ride, remembering the good days and then she showed up. It was a trip down memory lane, pure and simple.
Neither one moved, their fingers still connected by the faintest of touches. His mind went blank except for one thought. This was nice. Lowering his gaze, he saw her chest rising in uneven patterns, telling him she was as affected as he.
Her phone rang loudly, breaking the moment. Saved by the bell. Lanie jerked her hand away to take the call, confusion covering her face. She lowered her head and blocked her phone with one hand, implying a half-hearted desire for privacy. Demonstrating some semblance of gentlemanly behavior, Jeremy busied himself digging some cash from his wallet, doing his best to not eavesdrop.
“Sorry,” she said when she ended the call. “I didn’t realize it was well past afternoon already. We must have been here several hours.”
“Everything okay back home?” he asked. Time must have flown. He could’ve sworn they’d been at the restaurant less than an hour.
“It’s fine. That was Clay calling me back to let me know the new manager he hired is going to close up shop for him, so he doesn’t have to work tonight He asked if I wanted to catch a movie later, once I get back in town.”
Jealousy sucker punched him in the gut. He had no right; he’d lost his chance. Man, he was losing his grip on life. Something had to give. Maybe he’d give J.T. a call- see if he wanted to go out tonight, shoot some pool, and have a few drinks. Hell, he’d even listen to him push about the Eli Denim deal. Anything to forget about Lanie’s touch, to stop his memory from recalling their more intimate moments. “You should get going. I’m sure spending the day with me was the last way you wanted to spend your Saturday.” Any magic, real or imagined, from moments before was lost, a hardness returned to his voice.
The harshness in his tone visibly upset Lanie and she blanched. “You’re right,” she replied with equal austerity.
Guilt pierced him. Typical. She’d done nothing wrong, but he’d been a prick anyway. “I’m sorry. My leg’s really hurting and the pain’s getting the better of me,” he lied.
“Are you okay to drive?”
“I’ll be fine.” D
riving was still fairly tricky, but he did okay as long as he stayed nearby.
“You have dad’s number. Just call him when you make a decision.”
Not call her. He read the message between the lines. “I will.”
She held her keys in one hand, her slightly shaky hand causing them to jingle. “Take care, Jeremy.” The vinyl material of the booth squeaked as she slid out.
“Lanie…”
“Yes?”
“Tell Cody thanks for card.”
A glimmer of a smile appeared. “Sure thing.”
***
Beating her head against the steering wheel, Lanie groaned. This was a bad idea. A very bad, no good, horrible idea. Chemistry between her and Jeremy had always been electric; an undeniable fact which both frustrated and maddened her. There was no turning it off; trust her, she’d tried. The only thing to do was to ignore and avoid it. That’s how she’d survived the subsequent years since he’d broken their bond of trust and their relationship. Their chemistry was something that could never be acted upon again, destined to lay dormant under a pile of broken promises.
Why had she opened her mouth in the first place? Bringing Jeremy to Whispering Winds was dangerous; it would make the avoidance factor much more difficult. If only he’d been the arrogant ass she’d come to expect from him. But no, today he’d been a different person. He’d been honest and open, a reflection of the man she knew before he became a star. Add in the heartrending brokenness and it was a potent combination that threatened to bring her back under his spell. Almost. Too much heartache and breach of trust had passed for that to ever happen again.
She was being silly, putting too much thought into it. The intimacy of conversation, in addition to being alone with Jeremy for the first time in years, had her emotions on a heightened alert. She needed to get back to her comfort zone, where she felt safe and secure. Turning the key in the ignition, she gave one last backward glance to the restaurant. Jeremy still sat at the table, staring out absently until his eyes shifted, as though he knew she was looking. Their gazes locked, silently wondering what might have been.
When the Glitter Fades (Cowboys of Whispering Winds) Page 3