“What is it?” Keller asks.
I take a long, deep breath. “I’m struggling more and more with what feels like evil inside me. It feels like I’ve got a split personality, and my evil side is getting closer to taking over.”
“We won’t let that happen. You’re strong, Jax, stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. And we’ll get help from the Bane, whatever they can offer.”
“If it doesn’t come too late. What if Sarah decides it’s more important to keep the Bane hidden and they disappear completely?”
“Then we’ll deal with that just like we have everything else.”
I shake my head slowly and blink against tears. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. Or worse.”
Keller steps forward and takes my hands, urging me to look up into his eyes. “Don’t worry about what-ifs. Focus on right now, fighting this moment only. That’s how we get through.”
I want to believe him that I’ll be strong enough to keep fighting the good fight, but I have to make plans for if I fail. I slip my hands out of his and take a few steps away from him. “I need you to promise me something.”
“What?” Keller asks, wary.
“I need to know that if I lose the battle you’ll do what’s necessary.”
Keller shifts from one foot to the other. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t have to ask that. You know. You’ve been doing it since you were a boy.”
Anger floods his face. “I’m not going to kill you.”
“Even if I threaten your life?”
“You’re stronger than it, Jax. You won’t hurt me.”
“You willing to bet Toni’s life on that?”
He props his hands on his hips. “Why are you asking me this?”
“Because I don’t trust anyone else to do it. I can’t stand the idea of becoming like the rest of my coven. I’d rather be dead.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true.”
Pain replaces the anger, tugging at the angles of the face I love. Keller steps toward me and wraps his hands around my upper arms. “What you’re asking, I can’t do it. We’ll find a way to defeat this.”
I pull away. “That’s what I want, more than anything. But I have to be smart about this. If I succumb to this darkness . . .” I motion toward my middle and grimace. “I don’t want to kill people, Keller. Not the people I love, not innocents I don’t even know.”
“You don’t have it in you to kill.”
“You want to believe that, but you know that capacity is in me. There’s something else that isn’t me but it’s living inside me like a parasite. It wants to take over, destroy whatever white magic I might have briefly accessed.”
Keller rubs his hand over his face and stalks several steps away. Without looking at me, he asks, “How am I supposed to promise this? I can’t even imagine it.”
“Because it’s who you were born to be, a protector. You’re good at it, and if it comes to it you have to take me out just like you would any other supernatural threat.”
He looks at me, and I see tears shining in his eyes. He shakes his head.
“You’ll do it because the fate of the world is more important than my one life,” I say. “I won’t be able to live with myself if I give in to this darkness, so you’ll do this for me because you love me.”
He turns away, and I think it’s because he’s lost the war with his tears. I let him hide them from me. It’s enough to know that he cares enough to shed them.
Time seems to slow to a glacial pace as I watch the rise and fall of his breathing. Finally, he nods. He can’t say the words, but he’s agreed. When he turns around, I think he’s headed back down the hill. Instead, he closes the space between us and pulls me into his arms.
“I will fight this, Jax. I’ll fight it with everything in me,” he says.
“I will, too.”
His lips come down on mine, insistent and scared and full of need. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back with all the love I feel for him, with the hope I have that I will defeat the darkness.
The next morning, Keller looks like he’s aged ten years as we head out for another long day. I suspect I look no better. Actually, we’re all looking a little more than rough around the edges. If the covens don’t finish us off, stress and fatigue might. Because Rule is out of school for the Thanksgiving break, we decide to do our training first.
As usual, Toni rides with Keller and me, and Egan drives his own vehicle. There’s still been no thaw between Egan and Toni, and I’m beginning to lose hope.
When Rule arrives, I can tell something is different as he approaches.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Sarah came to see us this morning asking lots of questions about you and Egan.”
My anger flashes, and the dark entity inside me snaps like a rabid dog. “Is she still there?”
“No. She left the same time I did.”
“What did she want to know?” Egan asks.
“If we thought you were trustworthy, if you’d shown any evil tendencies, how you knew about the Bane.”
“What did you all say?”
“The truth. Grandma was honest about everything, but she told Sarah that she expected her to help you in return. And that if Sarah and the Bane did anything to try to hurt you, she’d do whatever she could to make sure they were sorry.”
“Fiona threatened a witch?” Egan said.
Rule turns his attention to him. “More than one. We found out that there are more than Sarah and Amanda, but not too many. Sarah wouldn’t be specific. I got the feeling she’s still finding it difficult to believe that not one but two coven witches could defect.”
“Did she reveal anything else?”
Rule’s gaze shifts back to me. “She said that if you are truly a white witch, you are the only one. And that they are discussing how to progress. Evidently, there is some history to white witches, but not in the lifetime of any of the current Bane. She did have one message for you.”
“That she couldn’t deliver herself?” I snap.
Rule shrugs. “She said it was extremely important that you resist the new darkness you took in at Shiprock.”
“Like I’m not trying.”
“She told us that white witches are rare, and they don’t want to run the risk of losing you to the dark forces.”
“Then why don’t they just stop hiding and help me?”
“They plan to, but Sarah said they had to make some preparations first.”
I make a sound of disgust, causing Keller to grip my shoulder.
“There’s nothing we can do on that front right now,” he says. “So let’s just do what we came out here to do and go from there.”
After a frustrated moment, I nod. Maybe I can work off some of the edgy energy vibrating within me. This morning, we practice with knives and swords. Toni is surprisingly good at throwing knives, so much so that even Egan looks impressed.
“You might want to be nicer to her,” Rule says. “She could just decide you look like a good target to practice on.” He’s become more and more a part of our group every day. Sometimes I still catch him staring at me, but for the most part we’ve gotten past that awkward attraction.
Egan ignores him, but there’s a suspicious glint in Toni’s eyes. I hope she’s not thinking too hard about what Rule just said.
When Rule catches my gaze, he shrugs. I realize he’s trying to help Egan and Toni because he knows Keller and I can’t. I smile at him then refocus my attention on the sharp knife in my hand.
Use it.
I shake my head against the insistent voice inside me. I wonder if this is what going crazy feels like.
“It’s bothering you again?” Toni asks.
“There’s no again about it. It’s there more often than not now.” I glance at Keller, remembering what I made him promise me.
“Let’s go back to town,” she says. “I’ve had enough of this for today.”
I agree. I’d rather talk to Fiona and Adele about their conversation with Sarah, maybe track Sarah down and tell her I’m tired of waiting for answers.
The guys aren’t happy with cutting the training session short, particularly Rule, but they come along nonetheless.
When we reach the herb shop, we descend the stairs to the basement as usual. But today the smells are different. Instead of the overriding scents of earth and old books, the aromas of roasted meat, freshly baked bread, and pumpkin greet us. When we reach the bottom of the stairs, the books and papers have been cleared away from the table to be replaced with a Thanksgiving feast. A golden turkey is surrounded by bowls of mashed potatoes, green beans, cornbread dressing, fresh cranberry sauce and bright green peas. Pumpkin, chess and pecan pies round out the offerings.
I glance at Rule and remember he was the one to suggest we train first today. “You knew about this, didn’t you?”
“Hard to miss all the banging around in the kitchen this morning.”
“You look stunned,” Fiona says as she walks toward us, looking from me to Egan and back. “Both of you.”
“We . . .” I choke on my words. “We’ve never had a Thanksgiving before.”
“The covens aren’t in the habit of thanking anyone for anything,” Egan says. I can tell he’s touched by the gesture, too.
Fiona reaches out and clasps one of my hands and one of Egan’s. “Well, consider this the beginning of a new tradition for you then.”
It’s so tempting, but I remember why I came here. “I need to talk to you about Sarah Davenport’s visit this morning.”
“There’s nothing to say beyond what I’m sure Rule already told you. Your arrival in Salem surprised the Bane just as much as it did us. You have to understand the suspicion. Their ancestors were hurt by the covens, sent into exile. They want to make sure this isn’t a trick to draw them out.”
“You trusted us.”
“Yes, we did. After some tests and getting to know you a little,” Fiona says. “And now it’s time for you to trust me. I believe Sarah is a good woman and is only trying to look out for what remains of the Bane. She did tell me that she truly hopes you are a white witch because that would change everything.”
“But how? I want specifics.”
“You’ll find out soon.” Fiona squeezes my upper arms. “But not now. Now we eat and give thanks for all the positive things in our lives. For a couple of hours, let’s set aside all the fear and doubt and anger and enjoy each other’s company.”
I glance at the table laden with food, and I’m touched all over again. I step forward and take Fiona in my arms, hugging her like I’d once hugged my mother. “Thank you. You have no idea how much this means.”
Fiona leans back and frames my face with her weathered hands. “I think maybe I do. Now, come on. Let’s eat. I’ve been smelling this all morning, and I’m starving.”
I smile and join my friends at the table. Egan looks a bit hesitant, but he finally sits down across from me. He has an expression of disbelief on his face. I understand where it’s coming from. When we defected from the covens, we knew that it might mean a life alone or perhaps just the two of us. Finding Keller and Toni was a miracle. To expand our circle of friends to even more people we care about seems like more of a bounty than all the food before us. I know from the stirring of his emotions that he feels the same way I do—that he’d give his life for the people surrounding us, any one of them.
From the first bite, I’m in heaven. The guys put away an impressive amount of food, but I have to admit I’m not far behind them. “This is delicious,” I say after finishing my last bite of pumpkin pie.
“This is the best meal I’ve ever had,” Egan adds.
“I’m sure you’ve both had better meals,” Fiona says. “Money buys some mighty fancy food.”
“Fancy doesn’t equal good,” I say. Sure, our coven’s chef, Hiram, was a master in the kitchen. But I doubt he ever put one bit of love into anything he cooked.
Egan leans back from the table and pats his flat stomach. “Now I think I could sleep for a week.”
“Unfortunately, we don’t have that luxury,” Toni says as she starts stacking plates.
“Honey, I can do that,” Fiona says.
“No, we’ll help,” I say, wanting to preserve the good mood even if that means getting Toni out of the room for a bit.
Rule takes what is left of the turkey up the stairs, followed by his mother and grandmother with leftovers in each hand.
After Toni disappears with a load of dirty dishes, I turn to Egan and speak quietly. “If you can’t manage it any other day, at least be nice to Toni today.”
Egan throws up his hands. “What did I do?”
“Ignored her just like you do every other day.”
“We’ve had this conversation.”
My temper snaps as I jab my index finger at him. “You need to stop being so selfish and just tell her the truth. In case you haven’t noticed, she’s spending her holiday away from her family for you.”
I expect him to argue, but he seems to deflate instead. I don’t wait to see if he says anything else, instead grabbing the rest of the dirty dishes and heading for the stairs. “Wipe the table down, and get ready to work,” I say over my shoulder. “We’re going to power through the rest of this material and find every scrap we can on white witches and the Bane. I want to know what the connection between the two is.”
I hear a grumble from Egan, but I can’t make out the words. They really don’t matter.
When I reach the top floor, I meet Rule as he heads back downstairs. Fiona is already loading the dishwasher while Adele and Toni rearrange the contents of the refrigerator to accommodate the leftovers.
“Ah, good, give me those,” Fiona says. She takes the dishes from my hands and fills up the final slots in the dishwasher.
“Thank you again,” I say. “Everything was wonderful.”
“If you’d like, I can teach you how to cook.”
I open my mouth to ask if Egan told her about my severe lack of cooking prowess, but I don’t want to upset Toni any more by even saying his name. “When all this is over, I might just take you up on that.”
It touches me deeply that she would offer something so personal, something that is passed down to daughters and granddaughters. I’m someone she barely knows. My heart squeezes at how I’d so often imagined doing things like cooking with my mom, but that possibility was ripped away with a brutality that set me on the path I’m currently trudging down. I look at Fiona’s profile and experience a swell of affection for her. It’s all I can do not to pull her into my arms and hug her silly.
When we finish cleaning the kitchen, I notice Toni staring out the window. “You okay?”
She lets out a long breath. “Actually, I don’t feel like doing research today. I know we need all hands on deck, but . . .”
I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “You don’t have to work every waking hour.”
“You do.”
“It’s my fight. I’m the one who started all this by running away.”
Toni leans her head on my shoulder. “I want to help, really I do. I just can’t go back down there and pretend that nothing’s wrong. It’s ripping me apart inside.”
I squeeze her harder and lean my cheek against her head. “I know. I haven’t given up hope that he’ll come around.”
“I can’t afford to hope that anymore,” she says. “It hurts too much.” She pulls away and stares out the window again. It’s a beautiful day if cold, but it does nothing to lift Toni’s mood. “I just need some time alone.”
I squeeze her hand. “Okay. I’ll be just downstairs if you need anything.”
That coaxes a small smile from her. “Since it’s Thanksgiving, I want you to know that I’m thankful for you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
I pull Toni back into my arms for a long hug. “I feel the same way about you.”
“If you want to l
ie down or watch TV, feel free,” Adele says.
I realize that Adele’s frosty exterior has melted some in recent days. Maybe she’s finally seen how serious we are about making a positive change.
“Thanks,” Toni says. “I think I’ll sit outside for a bit, get some fresh air.” She heads for the door and goes downstairs to the main level.
I stare after her for several seconds.
“It’s a hard thing, watching people we love hurt so much,” Fiona says.
“Yeah. The frustrating thing is that Egan loves her, and he’s never actually loved a girl before.”
“But he wants to protect her.” Fiona doesn’t ask it. She knows.
I nod. “I think he’s doing more harm than good.”
“They’ll figure things out.”
I look at Fiona. “What makes you think so?”
“I’m pretty observant,” she says with a hint of a smile. “And those two watch each other when they don’t think the other will notice.”
“Mom is a firm believer in things turning out the way they should,” Adele says with equal parts affection and doubt.
“It’s true.”
Adele laughs a little. “Yes, but it was annoying when I fell and broke my arm skateboarding, and you said, ‘Everything happens for a reason.’”
“And as I recall, you met your prom date in the ER that day.”
“Details, details.” Adele gives her mom a one-armed hug then heads back downstairs.
I start to follow her but notice a framed cross-stitch pattern on the wall. It has a deep green background with a Celtic knot stitched in gold thread. “This is pretty.”
“It is, isn’t it? Adele made that for me for Mother’s Day one year.” Fiona steps up beside me and traces her finger through the air over the five interconnecting circles. “The four outer circles represent the elements. Earth, fire, water, air. The one in the middle connects them all. Together, it represents balance.”
I think back to Sarah’s bracelet, my earrings and belt buckle, wondering if they’re Celtic in origin. “If I drew a symbol, do you think you might be able to tell me what it means?”
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