by Alla Kar
Her eyes briefly flicked behind me, and she nodded. “Wendy.”
Mom didn’t answer, but I imagined she gave her the same tight smile as always.
She waved us in and pulled at her cardigan. “Well come on in, girls. I made us some tea and cookies.”
I always hoped that I’d have her figure when I was her age. There wasn’t too much difference in our shapes besides that her boobs were fuller than mine.
I walked a few more feet into the foyer and kicked off my shoes. Sure enough, there were chocolate chip cookies sitting in the middle of her outside table. “I thought we could eat outside since it hasn’t gotten too hot yet.”
I picked up a cookie and moaned. “It’s been so long since I’ve had one of these.”
Grandma cleared her throat. “Well, if you’d come home more often you could have them all the time.” She smiled, but it was small.
Guilt assaulted my chest. “I’m sorry, Grandma. It’s just, I’ve been busy with school and work—”
“Oh, it’s fine.” She waved me off. “Just remember to come more often from now on, sweetie. Have you seen your dad yet?”
Mom’s gaze met mine.
“No ma’am, I just got here. We’re goin’ after this.”
Grandma’s gaze turned to Mom’s. “You came here first, Wendy? It’s her father and he’s dyin’.”
Silence settled over us. I wanted to open my mouth, but I had no idea what to say. Mom’s face turned red, and her fingers clutched her glass of tea. “I was trying to come see you because you insisted, Mother. And he won’t be woken up for another thirty minutes.”
Grandma gritted her teeth. “Well, how is school, baby girl?” She turned her back to my mother and covered my hand with both of hers.
I swallowed the rest of my cookie. “It’s great, Grandma. It’s great.”
Grandma dominated the conversation like she always did, and I let her. I needed the distraction because I knew I was going to see my dying father soon. And I knew she avoided the topic because she knew how close we were. I needed a good distraction that didn’t make me uncomfortable.
Mom stood up abruptly in the middle of Grandma’s rant about her new neighbors. “We need to leave. Frank will be getting up soon.”
“Well, for someone that came to their mother’s house first, we’re suddenly in a hurry.”
Mom ignored her.
“You know it’s rude to ignore people,” Grandma said. “You know the Bible says to ‘honor your father and mother that your days may be long in the land that Lord your God is given you.’”
Grandma was always reciting the Bible. Mom didn’t seem to care and disappeared through the doorway. Grandma grabbed my face and smiled at me. “I’ve missed you, baby girl. I’m so sorry this is happenin’ to him. He’s a good man.”
I nodded and bit my tongue to keep in the tears. The lump in my throat made it impossible to speak, so I just rested my forehead against her shoulder and cried. I would never have cried in front of my mother that way. I hadn’t realized how much I needed it.
***
The hospital was twenty minutes away from our small town. It was a small hospital, but the doctors were amazing, or so I was told. I’d only been there once when I’d broken my leg.
Mom led me through the maze of hallways back to a room with a sliding glass door. Dad was lying in the bed with his eyes closed. The sight of him nearly took my breath away. He looked tired, worn-out, and old. My hand wrapped around my mouth and I held it there.
Mom had already taken a seat in an oversized chair in the corner. Her lifeless eyes were focused on the tile floor. Is that what she does all day? Stare at the floor? “When will he wake up?” I asked.
“He’ll be up shortly for supper,” someone behind me said.
I turned to glance behind me. The woman standing behind me was in SpongeBob scrubs with a huge, white smile and unruly brown hair. “Kathy?” I asked.
She beamed wider and stepped closer to hug me. “It’s so good to see ya, girlie. I didn’t think I’d ever see ya again.” She winked before rolling a silver tray to my father’s bedside.
I hadn’t seen Kathy since graduation. We weren’t besties or anything, but since our school was so small, everyone knew everyone. I’d been so far out of the loop since I moved I was behind on current events. “You’re a nurse?”
“A nurse’s assistant,” she corrected me. “I’m in charge of bringing the food and emptying out bed pans.” She turned to my mom and smiled. “How are you today, Mrs. Sawyer?”
“Better.”
Kathy prepared something on her tray while I watched my father sleep. The IVs attached to him made everything so much more real. IVs always made a person seem more ill. “When did you get into town?”
“Today. I’ll be here for a month.”
Mom’s eyes flicked toward mine but quickly turned back down to the tile. We hadn’t talked about how long I was staying, but now she knew. There wasn’t very much time, and I had to spend it right.
Kathy placed a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry about your father, Josie. I’m prayin’ for him every night.”
“Thank you.”
She stepped back but snapped her fingers. “I know this isn’t the ideal time, but after your visit today, you could come out to Cutter Field. Some of us are getting together. It may be nice to see some of the old classmates again.”
“I’m not sure—”
“You should go, Josephine,” Mom said, looking up. Her green eyes, which matched my own, were softer—something that didn’t happen often. “You can spend time with your dad now. He’ll be asleep in a little while. It’s just one night.”
“My first night,” I shot back.
She nodded. “He’ll be asleep after seven anyway. You should go.” She pulled out her phone and began to ignore me.
I bit my bottom lip. It would be nice to see some of my classmates. I turned back to Kathy, who was pouring some water into a glass on the tray. “What time?”
Her dark eyes brightened. “Probably eight or so. I can pick you up if ya want?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to show up alone. “Okay. Are you wakin’ him up now?”
She nodded. “Yep.” She shook his shoulder lightly until he stirred. His dark eyes opened and blinked several times before they focused.
His eyes caught mine. “Josie?” he asked, trying to sit up, but Kathy pushed him back gently.
“I’m going to move your bed so you can sit up.”
“Daddy,” I whimpered, running over and flinging myself on top of him. All the pent up emotion flooded my body. I shook against his frame and he placed a gentle hand on my back like he had when I was little. “I’m so sorry,” I blurted out.
“Shh, Princess. It’s goin’ to be okay.”
How could he say that? He was dying. What was OKAY about that? When I pulled back, I saw I’d left a puddle of tears on his hospital gown. The stubble on his chin was thick and not how he usually wore it. “No, it’s not. You’re not going to be here anymore. And—what am I going to do?”
He pressed his hand to the back of my head and laid me back down on his chest. The answer was that there wasn’t anything he could do. Or me. Or anyone. It was his time to leave. I just needed to make the best of it while I could.
I finally pulled away and let him eat. It was like watching an elderly person being fed at the nursing home. That wasn’t supposed to be my dad. After Kathy fed him, she told me she’d meet me at eight and disappeared. Mom didn’t say where she was going, nor did she look in Dad’s direction, but she left, too. I assumed to give us a minute alone.
“How have you been, Princess?” Dad asked.
I didn’t want to talk about me or act like nothing was wrong. I wanted to talk options. Surely there was something someone could do.
“I’ve been fine. School is school.”
Dad nodded, wiping a shaky hand through his matted hair. Tears threatened my eyes again, but I didn’t want to show him ho
w weak he looked, or make him feel any worse than he already did.
“I’ve missed you, baby,” he said, and then held up a hand when I tried to speak. “I know there are reasons why you left, but that boy isn’t worth it. I swear.”
I never understood how he’d found out. He’d never caught us. He’d found me crying on my bed a week after the incident and said he knew, but never mentioned how. No one at school knew expect our best friends.
Shoving the pain in my stomach away, I intertwined my fingers with his. “Don’t worry about him. I haven’t talked to him in a year. He doesn’t care about me. I don’t care about him.”
Dad studied my face for a few seconds. “Okay, but promise me you’ll stay away from him?”
Nausea hit me hard. I didn’t plan on seeking him out, but I didn’t know if that was a promise I’d always be able to keep. What if I saw him while in town? I’d like to think I’d turn around and walk away, or slap him if he got close enough. But I wasn’t sure what I’d do. Part of me still loved him, but the smarter part of me begged me to stay away. Dreaming about Boone was the closest I’d been to him in a year; I couldn’t fathom being close enough to touch him again. It all sounded so farfetched.
“I promise, Dad,” I whispered. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”
Dad let go of the breath he’d been holding and patted our hands. “Tell me everything about California,” he said.
My mouth began to move. I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted to tell my dad everything. There were too many things to tell, and before I knew it, Dad was drifting off to sleep.
“Dad,” I said. “I need to ask you somethin’ before you fall asleep.”
His eyes hardly lifted. “What is it, Princess?”
“What’s wrong with Momma?”
Dad went silent and his eyes drifted shut from something other than exhaustion. He didn’t want to answer the question. “She’s fine. What’s wrong with her?”
I bit my tongue. He knew what was wrong with her. If anyone did, it was him. “She’s very—quiet.”
“She’s probably in shock.”
That wasn’t it. Mom cared for Dad, but not like a normal wife. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was happy he was leaving. After getting caught cheating when I was a senior, she’d become even more distant and cold toward me. I never understood why it was my fault, or why she took it out on me. She was the one caught with another man, not me. But this was a different distance than before. It was something—deeper.
“Okay, Daddy,” I said.
But he was already asleep. I waited ten minutes before Mom came back. She took a seat in the chair closest to the door and watched my father sleep.
I sat back and waited for her to tell me it was time to go. There was something going on that I couldn’t know about because I’d been hundreds of miles away.
The screams from my childhood had been taken over by silence. And sadly, the silence hurt worse than the screams.
Chapter Five
Boone
I sat up straight when I felt my boot slip from the edge of the treehouse and tumble to the ground. “What the—”
I blinked against the setting sun and saw Jace standing over me with a huge grin. “Get your ass up,” he said. “We’ve got a tailgate to go to.”
I groaned and rubbed my palms against my eyes. “Didn’t I tell you not to bother me while I’m out here?”
Jace rolled his eyes. “Come on. It’s not like I don’t know why you’re here. It’s pretty damn obvious.”
I stood up straight and cracked my neck. “I’m not goin’ to some stupid tailgate, Jace. I need to go take a hot bath and stop sleeping out here. It’s killin’ my back.”
Jace leaned back against the rail and crossed his arms. “What if I told you that Josie was goin’ to be there?”
My heart stopped in my chest. “What?”
Jace nodded. “Yep. I ran into Kathy at the Corner Store and she told me.”
She was here. Knowing I had a chance to see her was a different story. What would I say? What the fuck would I do? I’d spent months fantasizing about what I would do if I saw her again. But in the back of my mind I knew she wasn’t coming back because I’d hurt her too deep.
“Boone,” Jace said, waving his hand in front of my face. “You’re scaring the shit out of me, man. So, are you comin’ or what?”
My eyes focused on his and I barked out a laugh. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? What would I say? Hey, what’s up? How have you been this last year after I left you without a fucking explanation?” I was screaming. My voice ripped through the silence of the woods and birds flew away from us.
Jace clenched his jaw. “I tell you what you’re about to do, man. You’re going to go to the fuckin’ tailgate and talk to the girl before I whoop your ass. Don’t miss the chance. I want my friend back. I’m sick of you being so fucked up over her. I don’t care if you try to get her back or give her closure. Just please go and see her.”
Pain shot through my gut. Jace had been my friend since elementary school. And Josie had come in for one year and destroyed me. I didn’t trust my voice. Instead of answering, I nodded and started home.
***
It felt silly to be this nervous because I knew this girl. I knew her better than I knew anyone else. But that didn’t stop the nausea in my stomach. The viselike grip I had on the steering wheel started to burn my palms. I needed to hurt something.
“Dude, relax. Your knuckles are white.”
I relaxed my hands but dug my left boot into the floorboard. My white T-shirt stuck to me like a second skin and the air conditioner was on full blast.
“I am relaxed,” I said.
Jace snorted but pointed ahead where headlights glowed and a bonfire flickered. God, I’m going to throw up. I pulled into the clearing and parked next to a small Honda. Jace’s door opened right away, but I just sat there, staring out at everyone. I couldn’t see her, but there were so many people.
“Boone.”
I screwed my eyes shut, grabbed my keys, and got out of my truck. As soon as my feet hit the ground, my heart plummeted. Each step felt like a step closer to losing myself. The fire blazed as we neared, but no one else seemed to notice. It seemed to be the only thing I could look at.
Because any one of these faces could be hers. Half of me needed to see her again. To make sure all of this was real. But the other half was scared shitless to see the hate that would haunt her face.
“Boone and Jace! What’s up!” I’d know that voice anywhere. Hunter pushed his way between us and wrapped his arms around our shoulders. “So glad you made it out.” He smelled bad and, judging by his shirt, he’d been rolling around in the mud.
“What happened to you?” Jace asked. “You stink.”
His grin widened and he jumped back with his arms out. “They dared me to swim in that mud puddle and I done it.”
“Are you drunk?” I asked.
He shook his head and tipped his bottle back. “Not yet.”
I laughed and took a brave glance around, but didn’t see her.
“Boone,” Hunter said. “You know Molly has the hots for you right?”
I turned to meet his gaze and squinted. Molly at the diner? She’d never said anything to me. Hell, I ate there every day. “What are you talkin’ about?”
He nodded. “She does. She told my baby sister about it. You know they’re friends. Why don’t you go ask her out, man?”
I rolled my eyes. “Shut up.”
Hunter ruffled his dirty hair and took another long swig. “Naw, you shut up. She’s hot as hell and you’re not going to ask her out? You gay or something?”
Jace snorted and I turned toward Hunter. “I’m not gay, but it wouldn’t be any of your goddamn business if I was. Piss off before I beat your ass.”
Hunter jerked his head back but walked off without another word. “Way to play it cool, man,” Jace said. “We ain’t been here two minutes and you’re already i
n a damn fight.”
My anger had always been my weakness. It was the reason my dad had shipped me to my mom’s for a year. I didn’t realize how my mother could help until after I got there. The things a mother can teach a young man are things that every man needs to know.
But it got worse after Josie left for college. I found myself angry with myself because I didn’t stop it. He had given me no choice.
“I ain’t fighting,” I snapped. “Don’t make me whoop your ass.”
“You could try,” he whispered before snagging a beer from a chest and tossing it to me. “Relax.”
Taking a deep breath, I popped the top and let the liquor scorch my throat. A slight breeze brushed my skin and took away the heat rising up my arms.
It was her laugh I heard first, then her voice as she greeted her classmates. She was behind me, closer than she had been in twelve long months. The fire flickered, and the moonbeams and headlights brightened the small field around us. I needed to turn around and look at her. But I was scared I’d imagined it.
“She’s here,” Jace said.
I closed my eyes briefly and took a brave turn toward her. She was standing next to Kathy and Brent. Her blond hair was longer, past her breasts. Her red tank top hardly covered her and the cutoff shorts were my favorite. I couldn’t remember how many times I’d pulled them down those tanned legs and crawled between her thighs.
So many times I’d made her moan and scream in those woods. Those cutoffs and the same cowboy boots she wore, sitting to the side.
***
“I hate you!” she screamed, tossing one of her cowboy boots down at my head.
I ducked out of the way. “What are you talkin’ about, Raven?”
She looked like a woman scorned. Her hands were on her hips and her mouth was set in a thin line. Tears streaked her red, puffy cheeks. “You know what I’m talkin’ about! What happened yesterday at the diner?”