by Alla Kar
And that’s why I’m standing in my wedding dress planning on marrying the man I do not love, and putting my dreams aside for a child that isn’t mine.
I dropped the diary on my lap. “Josie, are you okay?”
Her face was horror. Tears raced down her cheeks, and the saddest look passed over. She was hurting and I didn’t know how to fix this. “Baby,” I whispered, bringing her closer to me.
“She was forced to marry my dad? Oh, God.” Josie rose to her feet and ran to the kitchen, throwing herself over the kitchen sink.
The sounds of her sobbing and retching set anger in my blood. This was not the way to do this. They should have told her. They should have told her gently, and not let her read about it in some fucking diary. “Josie,” I whispered.
She brought her hand up to her mouth and washed her mouth out. “I can’t believe this. It makes sense but—Oh my God. My grandma is a bitch. She’s part of the threat. She’ll try to ruin your family to keep up the façade of her own. Grandma could get anything done with the very generous donations she’d given to our local school and the vacations with the mayor’s wife. That explains why there isn’t any trace of it on the Internet.” She let out a bitter laugh and pressed her palms against her eyes.
“They blame our parents for her death.” I furrowed my brow. “And that’s why they hate our family? Your grandmother wanted to take away Wendy’s happiness,”
Josie nodded. “We don’t know how long they’ve been sneaking around, either. I’m sure their romance didn’t just rekindle in the last few weeks. This has been going on for years, and that’s why my dad and grandma hate the Crosses. They’re the risk of breaking up what seems to be a perfect family. And they think he’s the reason Cindy died.”
I shook my head, anger clogging my thoughts. “And that explains why my dad doesn’t want us together. He’s scared something will happen to me. He’s scared they’ll live up to their threats and ruin our lives. I guess he’d rather sneak around with your mom than be removed from this town and never see her again.”
Josie touched my cheek. “Let’s read another one.”
I nodded, forced myself to focus, and bit back the anger building in my stomach.
April 17, 1999
Josie turned three today. The party was grand and everyone in this stupid one-horse town was invited. After Frank and I were forced to marry we moved to Dallas for almost three years. It was the most terrible time of my life. I only saw David on holidays, and the lonely letters didn’t keep me warm at night. It was the only way we could have Josie and no one suspect anything.
Everyone showed up just to have a chance to be inside the house. This stupid house that doesn’t feel like a home but looks beautiful. Obviously, that’s all that matters.
David and I planned on leaving when I returned with Frank and Josie. Our plan fell through. Frank found my diary and was waiting for us at the street corner where we planned to meet. I knew he didn’t really love me. He loved Cindy. The fact that David took her away fed the resentment inside of him. He didn’t want David to be happy when he wasn’t. He had two friends beat David until he couldn’t walk home. Someone found him the next morning on the sidewalk. Frank brought me home, hid my diary, and locked the door from the outside so I couldn’t leave.
There is no way I’m leaving. This is my life now.
Who knew that my mother was capable of such greed for the family name? Perfect family. Perfect daughter. No one knows that Josie isn’t my daughter. That’s what everyone will always think.
But she isn’t. And this isn’t my life. It’s Cindy’s life. It’s her fucked up life that I’m dealing with. I know it’s not Josie’s fault, but every time I look at her I see Cindy and it makes bile rise in my throat. But through the bruises on my skin and the pain in my heart, I will be with David one day.
Someday.
Maybe.
Then the entries stopped.
“There isn’t anymore,” I said, my voice low from fear of Josie breaking into tears.
Josie’s eyes closed and a few tears fell from her eyes. “That’s all we need to know,” she whispered. “My dad beat my mom. He beat her. I feel so lost inside. I’ve been so terrible to her, and look what’s she’s gone through, Boone.”
I dragged my thumb against her frown. “Baby, this is not your fault.”
She nodded. “I know it isn’t. But I have to apologize to her. Yeah, it was shitty what she did to me, how she treated me, but she was just a broken, weak woman all along.”
I kissed her forehead. “Raven,” I whispered. “What are we going to do?”
Josie tucked her hair behind her ear. “We’re going to set things right.”
I tucked her into my arm. “How?”
She sighed. “I’m going to talk to my grandmother.”
I cringed. I didn’t want to be around the old wench. She always gave me the creeps growing up. “You sure? I want to go with you.”
“That’s not a good idea,” she said. “She obviously hates the Cross family for ruining her life.”
“Yes, but I’m still going.”
Josie nodded. “Okay. But don’t be surprised if she tries to shoot you. She went all creepy on me the last time I was there.”
“She’s always creeped me out,” I whispered.
Josie smiled. “Will you hold me tonight? I think I need some strength for tomorrow.”
Catching her jaw, I lifted her chin so that she’s met my gaze. “You’re stronger than you think you are, Raven.”
Her green eyes softened, and she let me guide her back onto the couch. Her fingers trailed lightly against my arm. “I’m glad you think so because I don’t feel strong.”
“But you are. You’re so strong.”
Josie’s eyes closed and she smiled. “Hold me.”
I squeezed in behind her, wrapped her in my arms, and prayed we would able to fix this. I couldn’t live without her, and I refused to.
This ridiculous family secret wasn’t going to keep me from the girl I loved.
***
Josie
My phone buzzed in my pocket and sent me straight up. I was on Boone’s couch with him wrapped around my stomach.
“Turn that damn thing off,” he grumbled.
I rubbed my eyes and dug my phone from my pocket. Sam’s number flashed across the screen. “Hello?”
Boone groaned.
“Where the hell are you? Your mother has been looking for you. She’s frantic. I think she knows the key is missing.”
I glanced down at Boone who peeked at me through one eye. “I’m at Boone’s house. We read the diary.”
Sam was quiet for a few seconds. “Well, what did it say?”
“She isn’t my mother, she’s my aunt.”
“What?” she gasped.
“It was kept a secret because Cindy had me out of wedlock, and my grandmother didn’t want our family to look bad. Wendy was in love with Boone’s dad, and Boone’s dad’s gun went off and accidentally killed Cindy. Then she forced her to marry my dad.”
“What the fuck,” she whispered. “That’s so fucked up.”
“Tell me about it. Is my mom still there?” I got up and started looking for my shoes.
“Yeah, I think so. Why? You want me to stall her?”
I smiled. “No, I want you to tell her to meet me at Grandma’s house.”
“Raven,” Boone said. “What are you doing? Are we leaving now?” I gestured for him to get dressed. The worry was there but he nodded and raced upstairs.
“Why, Josie? What are you going to do?”
I found my shoes underneath Duke on the recliner and I struggled to get them out from underneath him. “I’m not living a life I hate because of family secrets. I’m not going to be like my mother. I’m going to take control and live the life I want.”
“Sookie—I love you.”
Boone came down the stairs a few minutes after I got off the phone. He wore a blue shirt that made his eyes glow, and
his jeans were ripped and stained. “I wanted to look presentable when we deliver this ass chewing,” he said.
His cheeks turned pink and I burst out laughing. “Are you blushing?”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t get used to it. I’m just nervous as hell. You’re not?”
Hell yes, I was. Nerves were killing my insides. I felt like I was going to burst from the heavy feeling on my chest. “Yes.”
Boone stepped forward and looked down at me. The playful look on his face was gone and replaced with a serious one. “You’re sure this is the way to go about it?”
I nodded. “Yes, I am.”
Boone rubbed his thumb against my cheek. “Well, let’s go fix our future, then.”
I nodded. “Let’s.”
***
Mom’s vehicle sat in Grandma’s driveway when we drove up. The sound of Boone’s truck idling was the only thing I could concentrate on. When I thought about what I was going to do or say I felt like I was going to vomit.
“You okay?” Boone asked.
I glanced up at him and then over at the door. “Yes.”
“You don’t look okay. You want to go back?”
I gave him a dirty look. “Boone, this is serious. We can’t go home. I’m not sleeping another night without you.”
Boone slid closer to me and touched my jaw with his palm. “You’re right. You’ll never have to sleep without me again, Raven. This ends today.”
Leaning forward, I rested my forehead against his. “Is your dad back there?”
Boone leaned back and looked out the rear window of his truck. “Yes, he’s back there.”
We’d spent an hour at Mr. Cross’s while he and Boone talked. He didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. But we decided it was time to change not only our future but our parents’, too. “Let’s go.”
We walked up the steps with our fingers interlaced. I didn’t bother ringing the doorbell. I needed to take charge of the scene quickly because I didn’t know how Grandma would react.
The door opened silently but clanged shut behind Boone. Voices echoed from the living room. Before I lost my nerve, I trudged forward and into the doorway.
Grandma and Mom sat on opposing couches, not looking at each other, but I could tell words had been exchanged.
I knew when Boone walked in because Grandma’s eyes shifted behind me and then rounded. “What is that Cross boy doin’ in this goddamn ho—”
“Shut up.”
Grandma stood up. “Don’t you tell me to shut up. I’m not your mother, and I’ll pop your mouth.”
I barked out a laugh that tasted bitter. “Yeah, you aren’t my mother and neither is she.” I tossed my head toward Mom.
It was the first time she’d looked at me. Her green eyes that I always thought were my own seemed so far away as her face paled. “Cindy is my mom. The daughter you hid because she had me out of wedlock. The daughter that died, so you decided to slowly kill the other one out of punishment for her death, right? She doesn’t love my dad any more than you do her. You’re a cold-hearted bitch, Grandma.”
Her hands clenched and she took a step toward me. “You don’t know what you’re doin’ Josephine. Being involved with this family is not what’s best for you.”
“No, being miserable to stay rich is what’s best for me, right? You just hate the Cross family because of who your daughter fell in love with? Well, I’m not either one of your daughters, and I’m in love with this guy standing behind me. So damn in love that Satan couldn’t tear me from him. How do you like that? Huh?” My voice grew and Boone’s fingers slid against my wrist and stopped me.
Grandma’s eyes followed the movement. “I told your daddy what I would do if I caught you two together. You will not ruin my life by bringing in this boy. His father killed your mother, Josie. I can’t be involved with this family. I won’t and you won’t.”
Boiling rage raced through my veins. Is she serious? “Do you not get it?” I asked. “I’m not asking your permission. And you won’t do a damn thing to Boone’s family because I will fight it. I have my mother’s diary that tells it all. I have proof that it happened. If anything happens to the Cross family, I’ll take you to court and run your name into the ground.”
Grandma opened her mouth, but I gave her a look I knew would make the devil shiver.
“And you,” I said, turning to my mom, the only mom I ever knew. “David is waiting for you in the driveway.”
“It’s bad enough that Josie is dating his son, Wendy, don’t you—”
“Shut up!” I yelled.
Mom stood up and glared at Grandma. “I’m so sorry I was never good enough, Mom,” she whispered, before turning to me. The look of peace on her face was odd because it was a look I’d never seen. She stepped in front of me and placed both hands on my shoulders. “Cindy would have loved you, Josie. She was so excited for you to come.” Tears cascaded down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t the mother I needed to be for you. I’m so sorry.”
I knew she was. I’d forgiven my mother the moment I read her diary. There had been no other thing to do. Being forced into a life you didn’t want should never happen to anyone. Those marriage vows were never meant and those years wasted she could never get back. “Go,” I whispered.
Mom bent down and hugged me tightly. The feeling overwhelmed me because it was the most sincere action I’d ever received from her. When she pulled back, her eyes turned up to Boone.
I turned as Mom stepped around me and brought him into a hug. “The way you walk is just how your dad used to,” she whispered. “That’s why I dropped the meat in the market. It brought me back to many years ago.”
What meat? The corner of his mouth curled into a smile. “I’m that good-looking, I get it. Josie stuttered the first time she spoke to me.”
I rolled my eyes, and Mom laughed behind her hand. “Be safe, you two. You keep her safe.”
Boone looked down at me. “Oh, I will.”
Mom walked out of the house without another word or look in Grandma’s direction. The tension grew as the door slammed shut and Mr. Cross’s truck started up.
“You selfish girl,” Grandma whispered. “Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.”
I turned on my heel to face her. The look of disgust on her face was too big for my liking. I wanted to slap it off. “You should really take a look at that Bible you’re always quoting. I’m pretty sure you might learn a few things about selfishness and greed. I’ve said all I need to say to you.”
Grandma narrowed her eyes. “You’ve ruined your family’s reputation. You’ve sent your mother off with another man. A man she isn’t married to.”
“No, I’ve taken back our happiness. Happiness you ruined for us. Bye, Grandma.”
***
Boone’s fingertips trailed the hem of my cutoffs. “What are you going to say to him?”
I shrugged. What could I say? My dad beat my mom and lied to me for years. I had no idea how to feel. He’d given me my share of spankings but never hit me like that, and he’d always been there for me. Thinking of him beating my mom didn’t feel real. How had he hidden himself from me for so long?
“I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how to feel.”
Boone stopped the truck in the parking lot of the hospital and turned to face me. “I know this is hard because you never saw that side of your dad and you didn’t expect it, but he’s dyin’ and there is no time to build hate for something you can’t control.”
“You’re right,” I whispered. “I think I’m so messed up in the head that I can’t be mad at anyone but my grandmother. She caused this.”
Boone sighed. “Are you ready? Better to get it over with now.”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
Boone and I walked the quiet hallway to my dad’s room in silence. There was nothing he could say to make this better. It is what it is.
Dad turned his head from the TV to us standing in the doorway. His eyes were calm and his mon
itor kept steady. “I see you’ve finally decided my rules don’t matter anymore, huh?”
“Yeah, they were stupid anyway,” I said, not caring that it sounded rude.
He nodded and gestured for Boone to shut the door. “They were, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything.”
“Sorry doesn’t fix this. I fixed this.”
Dad furrowed his brow. “How did you fix this?”
“I went to Grandma’s house and told her where to shove it. And that I would take her out if she touched the Cross family.” I lifted my gaze to his. “And I’ll protect Mom if she goes after her. I sent her on her way with David Cross.”
Dad’s face remained calm and his mouth curled into a small smile. “Thank you, Josie.”
My voice cracked. “I didn’t do it for you, Dad. I did it because she’s been miserable for nineteen years.”
Dad nodded. “You hate me.”
It wasn’t a question. We both knew I had every right to be mad at him, but I wasn’t because I had no time for hate. “No, I love you like I always have. But I’m disappointed that you hit her—forced her. That’s what hurts me.”
“It hurts me, too,” he whispered. “There is no way to apologize to you or her, but I regret everything. I could have given you a life with me, without her. But when her mother started in about you needing a mother, I got scared. I just—I just let her guilt Wendy into marrying me.” Tears slipped from her dark eyes. “I didn’t want them to be happy because David had taken away my happiness.”
“I know you loved my real mother. I can see it in the pictures. I’m sorry you lost her, but it was an accident.”
Dad smiled. “You’re so much like her, Josie. She was so perfect. So wonderful. So lovely.”
I bit my cheek to try to keep the tears at bay, but they forced a path down my face. “I wish I could have known her.”