Early December 1792
Louisa Amesbury closed her eyes and endeavored to calm herself so she wouldn’t be tempted to speak her mind.
“Won’t you at the very least consider him?” her mother asked. “He admires you, and it would be a lovely match. Our money and his stature. Positively perfect, don’t you think?”
“It would be,” Louisa’s father agreed.
Louisa opened her eyes and stared at her plate. She hadn’t been able to eat a morsel, not since her mother got it into her head that Louisa should marry Felton Morton, Duke of Harrow.
No. It wouldn’t be a lovely match. It certainly wasn’t positively perfect, not in Louisa’s mind, because she loved another. Jonathan would never be suitable in Mother’s eyes. Although he was a noble himself, he was a poor one.
When she had first met Jonathan, Louisa had stolen away from her house to secure a hat for her mother as a present. She and the footman and a maid to act as chaperone had all left to buy it, only a sudden and wicked snowstorm had caused the carriage to halt. While the footman tried to free the carriage wheels, Louisa had started on foot toward the store, determined to get the hat, when she stumbled upon Jonathan, who kindly offered to fetch it for her. And when he returned, his help and strength proved to be just what the footman needed to be able to free the carriage, and while Jonathan gave her the hat box, Louisa had, in turn, given him her heart.
“May I be excused?” Louisa asked.
“So long as you consider the duke.” Her mother beamed at her.
Louisa forced herself not to frown. She sneaked to the front door and put on her pelisse. After checking to ensure that no one would see her, she left the house and headed to the stables. She handed the young stablehand a pastry she had hidden in her skirt—the only bribe the young John required to keep the secret of her adventures away from home—and rode sidesaddle along the worn path to the nearby forest and the clearing inside.
Jonathan was already there in their hidden spot, sitting on a fallen log. His smile stretched across his face, blue eyes bright. “I was hoping you would come by today.”
“Do you often wait here, hoping I’ll show?”
He placed his hands on her hips and helped her down from her horse. “Perhaps.”
His eyes were sparkling more than normal, and he was nearly bouncing on his toes.
“What are you so happy about?”
His laugh warmed her, as it always did. “How do you know I’m not just happy to spend time with you? But…” He frowned, something Louisa hardly ever saw. “But you don’t seem happy.”
“I am now.”
“Now? What happened? Did your mother find out about you sneaking out? No, of course not. You wouldn’t be here then.”
She dared to clasp his hand to her chest. “Mother has made it quite plain that… she wishes for me to marry.”
“Who?” He hardly breathed the word.
“Harrow.”
Jonathan seized both of her hands. “Allow me this—to whisk you away. Let me give you the stars to wear in your hair, the moon as your halo, and the sun to light up your days.”
How could Louisa refuse? But that meant going against her family, and it would create such a scandal.
They sat and talked about the future, but they made no set plans. Jonathan would never push her. He knew that if they fled, they would have no money, no place to live. As wonderful as love was, it would not sustain them—something her mother brought up that night at dinner.
“I know you prefer another,” her mother said. She never called Louisa’s love by his name. “But flowery words don’t last, and they don’t feed you. Can he provide for you? For your children? Why, his father gambled away and lost their estate!”
“But I love—”
“Love isn’t enough. Foolish girl.” Her mother tutted and shook her head.
Not foolish. Love could find a way. Love would find a way.
Louisa had to believe that. She had to.
* * *
But when Louisa next saw Jonathan, she wasn’t quite so sure anymore. She had followed him into an alcove at a ball held by one of the few friends who had stood by his family’s side despite their recent unfortunate lack of wealth.
Once she was certain that the curtain concealed them from the other partygoers, she clapped her hands. “Why, I almost think you are avoiding me.” She laughed. “I was hoping for a dance.”
“In here? There isn’t any room.”
“No.” She stepped closer to him. “Out there.”
“Where others can see us? Are you certain that’s a good idea?”
“Why? Because my parents will find out? I don’t care—”
“You might not, but your betrothed will.”
She gaped at him. “My…”
“Did you think I wouldn’t find out? I would have rather heard from you than from gossips, but…” Jonathan moved to walk past her.
Louisa grabbed his arm and hurried to walk around to face him when he did not turn toward her. Somehow, word had spread about her engagement, only… “I am not engaged to anyone. I am not—”
“You should be. You should marry him.”
Louisa stepped back as if slapped. “Why?” she asked, a hand to her throat. She felt like the blood in her veins had been replaced with chilled wine.
Jonathan would not meet her gaze. “He can give you a house and feasts and gowns…” He gestured toward the purple gown she wore. “And parasols and—”
“I would rather the stars and the moon and the sun,” she said desperately. She had felt so incredibly loved—cherished even—when he had said those words to her. Was her mother right? Were words nothing but empty promises? But, no. She knew her Jonathan, and she recognized how he felt toward her, for she felt the same toward him. And the light in his eyes, the fire, it remained there, burning for her. She could still see it. He looked at her like she was his heart, like she was his treasure.
Jonathan grimaced, the faintest of lines appearing around his lips. The pain in his eyes mirrored the pain she felt at his words. “You know I cannot truly—”
She had to make him see.
“You are my stars.” She grasped his hands and kissed each one. “My moon.” This time, she lifted onto her toes to kiss the tip of his nose. “My sun.” Now, her lips pressed against his.
But only for a fraction of a second before he pushed her away and left her all alone in the alcove.
Louisa stared at the fluttering curtain. How could he be so harsh? This wasn’t her fault! If he but asked her, she would leave with him.
But he would never ask, she realized, and that understanding made the tears prickling in her eyes burn all the more.
Not that she would cry. Not here. Not now.
She breathed in deeply, did her best to compose herself, squared her shoulders back, and left the safety of the alcove. It would be in her best interest to locate her chaperone and to leave, but she almost walked straight into the one person she did not wish to see.
The duke.
Louisa took a step back and dipped into a curtsey. “If you will excuse me…”
“Ah, yes. Wouldn’t want people to think we… ah…” He fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “I…”
“Yes.” She gathered her skirt and moved to walk around him.
“Are you having a good time?” he asked.
A good time? Certainly not. Louisa sighed. “I have had a few surprises this evening.”
The duke half-smiled. “I can well understand that. Silly rumor. That’s one of the surprises, I take it? That we are somehow engaged when I have not… we have not…” He shrugged. “I assure you I am not the source of this rumor. I would never dream of such a thing. I mean, not that marrying you is something I would never contemplate. It’s not a…” He took a deep breath. “Please forgive me. My thoughts are all jumbled since I first heard someone congratulate me for a proposal I never uttered!”
Despite herself, Louisa gave him a small
smile. “I don’t blame you for being befuddled. I am myself.”
Although she had a strong suspicion as to who had been the original voice of the rumor—her mother.
He rocked onto his heels. “It may come as a surprise, but I was not intending to propose.”
“Oh?” While their names have been tentatively linked for some time now—her mother had first suggested the union two years previously although now she was a much stauncher supporter of the match—Louisa had never bothered to learn what exactly the duke thought of her or the possibility of them being wed one day. Her heart had always belonged to Jonathan, so the duke’s opinion had not mattered to her one way or the other.
It wasn’t as if the duke was a terrible man or an ugly one. Perhaps ladies wished him for themselves. He was a good man, a kind one even, but he did not lay claim to Louisa’s heart.
The duke furrowed his brows. “Who would want to wed a woman who loves another?”
Louisa’s cheeks burned. Before Jonathan’s father lost their estate, Louisa had seen no reason to hide her feelings for him, and he had shown his. Everyone knew they loved each other, but that everyone still knew how strongly they felt caused Louisa to flinch. She had no choice but to resort to sneaking time with Jonathan. Despite his one day being an earl, Jonathan’s status was quickly being reduced to outsider.
“Have you ever known love?” she asked.
“I’m afraid to say I haven’t.”
She stared at her gloved hands. “If you had, then you would understand. It’s like… when I first met my dog Linda, it was amazing. She lit up my world. I had to have her as my pet. And with…” Louisa shook her head. “Now I’m the one to confess and beg for an apology. This is a terrible analogy, and I don’t even know where I was trying to go with it.”
“You love dogs?”
“Yes. Linda is a Border Collie.”
“Ah. I have a dog as well. A small little one that will nip at your toes if you go too long between giving him attention. Dogs are so loyal and true. You know…” He smiled at her, wide and generous. “I’m part dog myself.”
She laughed, which startled her. “And me?”
“More a cat, I say. Proper. Gracious.”
He stared at her in a way similar to that Jonathan had many a time, and she forced herself not to retreat a step. The Duke of Harrow was a true gentleman, and she knew she should feel lucky that he had expressed interest in her. Indeed, if she had met the duke previous to her befriending Jonathan, would she have fallen for Harrow instead?
How her mother would have preferred that!
“Louisa… if I may call you by your name?”
She nodded, dropping her gaze to the floor.
“Louisa, I… I don’t want you to be unhappy. My mother and your parents both want our union. I am not opposed to the idea as you are.” He hesitated, and she glanced up to see pink blossoming on his cheeks. “I can give you many things, but that might not be enough for you, and I understand that. If you wish… I will make it clear to your mother—”
“I…” She wished for this, wanted it desperately, but the thought of her mother’s wrath and her father’s disappointment forced her to say, “No. Not yet. I… I am not sure…” A lump formed in her throat, and she feared if she said more, she might burst into tears and create a scene. Already she could see ladies staring at them over their fans, talking and whispering among themselves. Gentlemen, too.
“Understood.” Harrow bowed, took her hand, and kissed it.
Louisa remained there for a moment, and only after her dear friend Jean approached did she even think to look about to ensure that Jonathan had indeed left. If he had seen her talking with the duke, well, he would try all the more to push her toward Harrow and away from himself. But nowhere did she see her tall, golden-haired love, and she both breathed easier for it, and her chest ached.
“Did your mother start the rumor about you and the duke?” Jean asked. Her green dress exactly matched her eyes. “Or am I mistaken, and it isn’t merely a rumor? Everyone was watching you two talk and laugh. Have you given up on Jonathan?”
“Of course not.” Louisa felt as if all of her energy had been sucked out of her. “I’m confused. Torn. I love Jonathan, will always love him, but perhaps my mother is right. Perhaps I am foolish to think that I can be with him, that love is enough.”
Jean hugged her. “So long as you do not run off with him. If I never see you again, I do not know what I would do. My sisters torment me enough that I need to have an excuse to leave the house! You are ever so lucky to be an only child.”
“And be the sole focus of your parents’ attention? No thank you.”
“Then have all of my sisters. Please.”
The rest of the ball went by slowly, and finally, Louisa returned home. Her mother had already retired for the evening, but her father stayed awake, reading in the study. He greeted her before she could climb the stairs to her bedroom.
“Did you have a good time?”
“Oh, yes, if you consider being shocked to hear about your engagement without first accepting anyone’s hand, then I had a grand time.”
A quick change in expression crossed over his features before it vanished. Ah, so she had been right. Her mother had been the source of the “leaked” information.
“I understand how hard this is for you,” he said slowly, “but consider this: if you were the mother and your daughter was in this position, which boy would you rather she marry?”
“She should follow her heart!”
“Even when her heart might mean turning her back on her family? When it would mean giving up everything she has? If you marry that boy—”
“He has a name!”
“Hush, now. There is no need to raise your voice. Do you wish to wake your mother?”
“I’m sorry.” Louisa hung her head. “I didn’t mean to yell.”
Her father rubbed his chin. “We are only looking out for you.”
“Are you?” she whispered.
His eyes narrowed. “What are you suggesting?”
She never should have opened her mouth, but the words came out as if her lips and tongue were moving of their own accord. “I think that perhaps you and Mother are too worried about what society thinks and what will benefit the family rather… rather than what I want.”
“What you want is nothing but a fool’s dream.”
Louisa gasped and took a step back. She never would have expected her father to say something like that. Her mother, yes, but her father?
“That was a little harsh,” he admitted. “I apologize for that but not the meaning behind it. You need to consider the reasons for our decision, and then I think you will realize that we do want what is best for you.”
“Don’t you think I am the best judge to decide what is right for me?” she retorted.
“Quite frankly, no.”
Too hurt to speak further, Louisa rushed to her room and cried herself to sleep.
Chapter 8
1812
“When I woke the next morning,” Anna’s mother said, “I thought that my life could not get any worse.”
“Did it?” Anna asked. She had no idea that her mother’s life had held such heartbreak. “I can’t believe how harsh Jonathan had been to you. Your mother was the one who was trying to spoil everything!”
“Yes, well, that wasn’t the worst of it, not on either account. You see, the next morning, my mother gave me a message from Jonathan.”
Anna cringed. “He sent one through her? That cannot bode well.”
“And it did not, I’m afraid. Jonathan wrote to let me know he was leaving.”
“Leaving?” Anna gasped. “No! What happened next? You did go after him, didn’t you?”
“But of course! And I found him. And when I did…”
* * *
* * *
1792
“Jonathan, please!” Louisa spurred her horse as fast as she could. Riding so hard sidesaddle wasn’t easy, and
she was holding on as tightly as she could to prevent herself from falling. “The least you can do is stop and talk to me. I can’t believe you would leave without saying goodbye.”
“Goodbye,” he ground out, staring straight ahead at the dusty trail he was racing down, not even bothering to look over at her even though she had caught up to him.
Urging her horse even more, Louisa managed to bring her horse around to cut him off. They almost collided, but Jonathan halted in time. He had always been a talented rider.
His face, his eyes… Louisa felt as if she were wounded herself. He looked so devastated, so anguished and pained, so broken.
Something had happened, and she was terrified to find out what.
“Jonathan.” She reached toward him, but he jerked away so she couldn’t touch him, and his horse retreated a few paces.
“Why are you here?” he asked, his voice so cold Louisa felt as if she had turned to ice. “You made it quite clear—”
“What did I make clear?” she asked, a hint of desperation creeping into her question. “I’ve only—”
He reached into the pouch on the side of his belt and tossed coins in her face. “I would accept anything from you save for charity.”
The coins fell, all except for one that she unintentionally caught in her hand. She held it up and shook her head. “Don’t you see?” she whispered.
Immediately, his expression changed but only for a moment. For one second, she saw the fire burning brighter, hotter than ever before.
“Your mother,” he muttered.
“How could you!”
“It’s not that I doubted you,” he started.
“But you did,” she burst out. “You thought I would give you money to start over a new life without me? Oh, you fool! Jonathan, I want that for you, a new life—yes!—but a new life with me!”
“I should have known.”
“How much did she give you?” Louisa’s hope began to rise. Perhaps they could, at this very moment, run away together. It would be reckless and daring and an adventure.
Holly and Hopeful Hearts Page 38