by R. R. Banks
"You might think you know Roxie," he said. "But I know you. You are every pathetic high school quarterback who never crawled out from under the bleachers. Admit it. You can't stand to see the girl you thought you could string along forever become a beautiful, successful woman, happy in a relationship with someone else. Like you said, it's been two years. It's sad you're still so jealous and insecure."
Brad's eyes flashed, but he didn't say anything. Luca tugged gently on my hand and I let him guide me back down the walkway away from Brad. We didn't say anything until we reached the new cabin and walked inside. Suddenly we were standing at the foot of a queen-sized bed and a realization settled over me.
"Oh," I said.
"Yeah," Luca said. "You just managed to argue your way into sharing a bed with me."
Yep. Kind of a backfire if I'm going to not let myself be attracted to him.
"This isn't going to change anything. We'll just sleep head to toe."
"Let me tell you, Roxanna, that's not going to stop things from lining up. In fact, there are plenty of people who get in bed head to toe when they are most certainly not sleeping."
"Don't call me Roxanna," I said, even though that definitely wasn't what was on my mind at that moment.
"Then one of us can sleep on the couch. I just had to say something about the bunk beds."
"Why?"
"Because then we'd be going through the whole week with Brad knowing we were sleeping in bunk beds."
"Let me guess… that has something to do with what he said to you?"
I drew in a breath.
"I was hoping you were just going to let that slide."
"Not going to happen."
"Why does it matter?"
I looked at Luca and felt my heart pounding. Everything he had said to Brad was echoing through my mind. He had only known me for a few weeks and yet he had been able to put a voice to everything I had never been able to say to Brad. The small amount of clarity I was experiencing, however, was not enough to make the longing and sadness I felt disappear completely. I didn't want to talk to Luca about it. I didn't want to let him in that much.
"Because I'm in this with you. That was the whole point of this, wasn't it?"
"The whole point of this was so I could get through Thea's wedding week without causing her any trouble. I want to make sure everything is easy and that I look good for her."
"Are you sure?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is this really about Thea, Roxie? Or is it about you?"
I was struck by the comment.
"Of course it's about Thea."
"Thea doesn't care if you brought somebody to her wedding. All she cares about is that you're here. The person who it matters to is you. You're the one who's worried about what everyone thinks about you and your life since you left."
"You saw the way they all look at me."
"Yeah, I did. And it fucking sucks. But what I see more is you want to make sure that Brad sees that you're happy. I'm here and I'm committed to this. I told you I was going to help you with this, and I'm going to. I don't want them talking to you like that or judging you. But I don't want you treating yourself like that, either."
"Do you think I want it to be this way?" I asked. "Do you think I want to be hurt every time I see Brad, or so miserable when I see Heather? Of course, I don't. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be over it. That's why I'm here. I want to show everybody that I can live outside of Maple Grove and not fall apart."
Luca stepped toward me.
"You don't need me for that, Roxie. You are living your life outside of Maple Grove and you haven't fallen apart. You had a goal for the life that you wanted, and you got it. You didn't run away, even when things got hard."
I didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"I'm tired," I said. "I just want this day to be over."
I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, turning on the shower so he wouldn’t hear my sobs.
I had been standing under the water for a few minutes when I heard the door open and then quickly close. Clutching the shower curtain, I glanced out into the bathroom and saw that Luca had gone back to the first cabin and gotten my bag. It sat on the counter, looking as worn-out and tired as I was feeling. But it was there. And so was I. We might as well make the most of it. I hopped out of the shower long enough to grab my favorite body wash out of my bag, then stood under the water until I turned into a freesia-scented prune. The pajamas I had been waiting for since halfway through the drive here from the airport felt so good wrapped around my tired body that I let out a groan.
How long has it been since I made a sound like that?
Probably never.
One more insult to end the day.
I walked out of the bathroom and saw the bed had been turned down, but Luca wasn't in it. The living room was empty and the light on the little porch on the back of the cabin wasn't on, much less shining down on him where I thought he might be curled up on the loveseat-sized rocker. I walked back into the bedroom.
"Luca?"
"Yes?"
I jumped, clamping my hand over my pounding heart.
"Holy hell. Where are you?"
"Down here."
"Down where?"
His head appeared on the other side of the bed.
"Here. You literally walked past me."
I sat down on the bed and looked over at him.
"What are you doing?"
I looked down onto the floor and saw that he had found extra pillows and blankets to create a makeshift bed.
"Going to bed," he said. "You said you were tired."
"Are you sure that you're OK down there? You could sleep on the sofa."
"I tried. It's too short for me. I'm fine down here."
"Fine?"
"OK, you're going to have to get over that. It's a word. When I say it, it doesn't carry any special meaning or hidden agenda. When I say something's fine, I mean it's fine. I'm laying here on the floor, so people believe we're a couple. I'm compromising. Do you think you could just give me 'fine'?"
I contemplated this for a few seconds, then slipped under the covers.
"Fine."
Luca chuckled softly, and I turned off the lamp on the bedside table. I laid down and stared at the ceiling, exhausted but unable to relax.
"I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds," Luca said a few minutes later.
I sighed.
"You didn't. I deserved every word of it. You're the only one who's ever been willing to say it to me. Even Thea would never say it."
"I'm sure she would have eventually. She's just lost in bridal dreamland right now."
"Well, the point is, you said it. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. I don't know if I told you, but I appreciate what you're doing for me. I don't think I'll ever understand why you agreed to it, but whatever the reason...thank you. I couldn’t do this without you."
"It's an adventure," he said.
I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep, but after several minutes, I was as tense as ever. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling again.
"I refused to live with him."
"What?" Luca said from the floor.
"Brad. I refused to live with him. I didn't want to share a bed with him. That's why he made that comment."
"So you're a…"
"No," I said. "But that was part of it. He was much more experienced than I was even when we first starting dating and was always more...enthusiastic than I was. I was always so caught up in what I looked like or what he was thinking or what my hair looked like or if I sounded funny. I could never just relax and really enjoy myself. Needless to say, I wasn't always eager. I knew it bothered him, but I told myself that it couldn't possibly be that big of a deal and that all guys were like that. I was absolutely convinced we were going to get engaged and then married, and after that, it would all work out. Like somehow, I thought if everybody knew I was married, suddenly all the hang-ups wo
uld go away, and I would just be able to be comfortable and happy. Then it all went to hell."
"If it's any consolation, I don't think it works like that anyway."
"Thank you," I said.
We were silent for a few more seconds and then I heard shuffling beneath me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Luca sit up and I turned toward him. He leaned on his arms on the side of the bed and stared at me.
"You are beautiful, Roxie. You are funny and sexy as hell. Any man would be lucky to have just a fraction of your attention. If you couldn't enjoy yourself with Brad, it's because he wasn't the right man. When you stop overthinking everything so much and just start experiencing, your world is going to change."
He laid back down and I let out a long breath.
"Goodnight, Luca."
"Goodnight, Roxanna."
I didn't know if he was trying to charm me the way he had other women, or if what he said was true, but Luca's words deeply resonated with me and seemed to stay in my mind, even as I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Eight
Luca
Roxie was gone by the time I woke up the next morning. I climbed out of the blankets that seemed to have had their own plan during the night and spread out so there was only one between me and the hardwood floor, and dragged myself into the bathroom. This was much more than I expected it to be. I hadn't anticipated the pendulum swing of emotions or the swarm of friends and family who seemed like they were happy for Roxie but also waiting for disaster. I wondered what it was that made them think of her that way. She was unpredictable and impulsive, sure, but I hadn't been able to quite figure out why these people were so obsessed with her. It was like she was on display at an exhibit and they were all standing there, watching her, just waiting for the next thing she was going to do. In this situation, I guess I was the next thing she was going to do. There had to be something more about her past than the fact she had been publicly cheated on and broken up with that made her the focus of, what seemed like, her entire hometown.
But I realized it wasn't really my concern. I wasn't there to figure out the inner workings of her mind or the social politics of the tiny town where she grew up. I was there to be her fake date and make her look as good as possible. Despite our conversation from the night before, I was still completely committed to my role. And that meant I needed to find her. It didn't seem like very good form for the passionate and attentive boyfriend to not know where she was or what she was up to. I savored the hot water and steam of the shower. It felt wonderful to wash off the stress and worries of the day before. I thought I was accustomed to traveling. My family had traveled extensively my entire life, and I thought nothing of hopping on my jet and going to a different state for dinner or heading to a tropical island for the weekend. That did absolutely nothing to prepare me for what it was like to deal with the frustrations of the airport or the rental car situation.
It wasn't until I was about to step out of the shower that I realized we didn't have our luggage. Thea had told us not to bring it with us from the main building the night before, and although Roxie had her overnight bag, I was still waiting for my belongings. After making my bed on the floor, I had forgone pajamas and gone to sleep in my boxers, but I figured that would probably be against dress code for any of the resort activities planned for today. I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked out of the bathroom and into the living room of the cabin. It smelled like freshly brewed coffee and I realized how much I wanted a cup. I noticed my bags sitting on the floor a few feet from the door and smiled with relief. Holding the towel with one hand, I grasped the handle of my largest suitcase and brought it into the bedroom with me. Since Roxie had already stepped out for the morning, I didn't bother to close the bedroom door. I dropped the towel to my feet before opening the suitcase on top of the bed and had just released the clasp of the strap holding my clothes in place when I heard what I thought was the front door closing. Before I had time to hide myself, there was a gasp behind me.
I turned around and saw Roxie standing in the doorway of the bedroom. She had her back to me, but her hand was over her eyes. The other hand gripped a cup of coffee and she held it up to the corner of her eye to further block her view. But I knew she had seen everything. I didn’t mind.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't realize you were up yet. Awake yet. No longer in bed."
I withheld my laughter, not wanting to embarrass her even further than she already was. I took a pair of pants out of my suitcase and stepped into them.
"I am. Out of bed, that is. It's all right," I said. "You can turn around now."
Roxie slowly lowered the cup of coffee away from the corner of her eye and turned just slightly so that she could look at me over her shoulder. When she saw I was no longer fully exposed, she turned around. Her cheeks were flushed with color, making her look even more attractive than usual. She had changed out of her pajamas and was fully dressed, makeup done, and her hair swept up into a neater, more controlled version of the bun she had worn the day before. She looked elegant and beautiful, but I found myself missing the wild aspect of her style on the airplane. That seemed to have embodied Roxie’s personality far better.
"I was out on the back porch," she said. "I know the rest of this week is going to be chaotic, so I wanted a few minutes to drink a cup of coffee and just enjoy the quiet."
"There's a back porch?" I asked. "I didn't even notice last night."
Roxie nodded.
"It's really beautiful out there. Want to grab a cup of coffee and I can show you?"
I nodded and grabbed my shirt before leaving the bedroom and walking through the cabin to the tiny kitchen that was tucked in the corner. Another thing I hadn't noticed the night before. I probably wouldn't have this morning, either, if it weren't for the enticing smell of the coffee luring me there. A welcome basket had been set up on the counter of the kitchenette and Roxie reached for one of the single serving coffee pods set inside. She popped it into what looked like a baby version of the coffee maker Greg had in his kitchen and pressed a few buttons. The little machine chugged to life and a few seconds later let out a triumphant stream of the dark brew. It only filled the mug 3/4 of the way, but at that moment it was everything I could have asked for. I took my first sip of bitter coffee as I followed Roxie out the back door. Blue and white curtains covered the glass panes, so I couldn't see beyond them, but as soon as she opened the door, I could see why Roxie chose to go out there for her moment of solitude that morning.
I felt like I had slept forever, but the sun had just made its way over the horizon when we stepped out onto the porch. It illuminated the trees that covered the back of the cliff where the resort sat. Beyond them, I could see the ocean glistening in the sunlight of the new day. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach below was rhythmic and peaceful, and I got a mental image of water washing up on the sand. I drew in a deep breath of the clean, salty air and felt myself relax.
"It's so quiet out here," I said.
Roxie made a murmuring sound of agreement.
"After being in the city for a while, it's easy to forget what quiet is like. I remember when I first moved to New York from Maple Grove and everything was so overwhelming. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. There were times when I would go sit in the bathroom with the door closed and the shower on just trying to drown out all the noise. Then I got used to it. It just kind of became part of the background. Now I feel like my brain is searching for the car noise or the sirens."
"Or the neighbor standing on the street corner screaming."
I leaned against the railing and she leaned beside me. She laughed softly and took a sip of her coffee.
"There always seems to be one of those. Have you ever stopped to listen and figure out what they're really saying?"
"No," I said. "But it's been a while since I've had neighbors like that. Maybe they're easier to understand now."
"You don't live in the city?" Roxie asked.
I realized t
hat with everything we had talked about before this trip, that was a topic that had somehow never come up in our conversation. I chuckled at the thought and she looked at me strangely.
"What's funny?" she asked.
"I just realized we never talked about things like that. Basic things. Where we were born. Where we grew up. Where we went to school. We talked about our siblings, but that was the end of it. We were so busy trying to convince everyone we knew each other, that we didn’t bother with the details that would make us actually know each other."
She laughed but didn't pry any further. I hadn't meant the comment to distract her or to stop her from finding out more about me, but it seemed she thought I was changing the subject. We both looked out over the ocean and the waving leaves of the trees.
"I've never seen trees like those at the beach," she said absently.
"New England beaches," I said. "My family used to vacation in places like this when I was younger." Because we own most of a town in Maine... "I remember thinking the beaches looked like this because the area was smaller. There wasn't as much space, so the cliffs and the woods and the beach were all smashed up together rather than spread out like in other places."
Roxie laughed again.
"I like that explanation," she said. "Seeing it makes me miss home. Maple Grove has trees just like this, but the ocean is a couple of hours away. A couple of hours in the other direction, though, and you're in the mountains."