Accidental Fiancé

by R. R. Banks

  I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I wrote to you. These last few weeks since you were born have been pretty hectic. You coming into the world marked a little bit of a renaissance for Whiskey Hollow. Your papa has been scurrying around helping everybody he can. I’ll be the first to admit it hasn’t been easy for all of them to accept. You’ll learn soon enough that we are proud people here and accustomed to getting everything that we need in life through hard work. Some people see what he’s doing as charity or like he’s trying to buy his way into their good graces, but I’ve been following around behind him doing my very best to convince them that that is not the case. Instead, he just wants to thank the people who mean so much to me and make sure that the home that you know is as prosperous and wonderful as it can be.

  I’m not so sure that Whiskey Hollow is going to be the only place that you know. As much as I love it here and as much as your father has settled in, I know that there is so much more out there to discover. I didn’t have the chances that are available to you, and I want you to take all of them. I remember being younger and wondering why anyone would want to stay here when they grew up and had opportunities. It took until I was grown up and left that I realized that not everybody has those opportunities. For some, life is where they are born and that is simply the way it is. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Never be ashamed of where you were born, Clementine. Now, I don’t necessarily mean that you need to share with everybody that your mama went into labor with you in the back of a beaten up, broken down pickup truck. You could probably go ahead and take some creative license with that. What I mean is that I never want you to feel like you are limited. I want you to love Whiskey Hollow for what it is, but also be able to go out and explore all that this world has to offer you. When you do come home, I want it to be because your heart is here, not because you feel obligated to.

  Anyway, I was telling you about the ways Papa has been changing things around the Hollow. Well, maybe “changing” isn’t quite the right word for it. That makes it sound like he doesn’t like it here and is trying to make it something that it’s not. That is certainly not the case. Your papa has taken to this place even better than I hoped he ever would. There are times when I wonder if his family has some Hollow in the woodpile. Truth be told, I don’t really think that it would matter if he was trying to change it into something else. I don’t think that there is anything that he could do to make it any different than it is. The Hollow is just as resistant as the people in it and will keep on going no matter what. With the little sprinklings of good cheer that Papa has been spreading around, though, it will just keep on keeping on a little bit easier.

  The first thing that he did was buy Bubba Ray Ramirez a food truck and fund supplies for him for goodness knows how long. That way he can bring his food to anyone he can drive to rather than only subjecting the Hollow to it. He says that he’s been watching that food TV channel like a religion recently and that with all of the fusion restaurants popping up everywhere, he’s going to be the next hot thing. And you know what? I believe him. I wouldn’t put anything past the man who can make an entire population of an area believe that little bitty triangles of white bread toast are nachos. Papa also says that he’s been talking to a friend of his in the city who does publishing. He might be able to get Bubba Ray his own cookbook. He and his wife Marge sent me a couple of recipes to include in here for you. They figure one day you’ll need to be able to cook for yourself and you should get started collecting recipes now. I’ve put them in along with one of Bubba Ray’s delivery menus from the night you were born. Who knows? Maybe one day he’ll be famous, and you’ll be able to show it off. I’ll just leave it up to you whether you actually follow the recipes, though. Just remember what I told your Papa…you’ve got to deconstruct.

  Oh, and as for Cletus’s Clementine Moonshine…it turns out it has amazing disinfectant properties. Some samples have been sent off for testing and he might get to start marketing it in the next year or so. He sent me a recipe for that, too.

  I’m going to go ahead and go now, Baby. The weather is gorgeous today and Papa and I are bringing you up to the old Crozet orchards to pick some apples. I’ll put pictures in here for you to see.

  I love you more than the moon and the sun and all the stars in space.

  Mama

  Chapter Thirty

  Bubba Ray’s Rojo Cuelo Cantina

  Mi Casa, Su Casa, Y’all!

  Breakfast

  Breakfast Nachos – Triangles of white toast topped with scrambled eggs, chorizo, bacon, sausage gravy, and taco cheese with a sprinkling of shredded lettuce

  Mexican Omelet – Tri-color peppers and onions, taco seasoned beef, and crunched up taco shells inside a three-egg omelet. Served with a side of refried black-eyed peas and thick-style chips

  Steak ‘n Huevos Rancheros – Sunny side up eggs served on chicken fried steak topped with warm salsa

  Churreos – Little bitty bits of fried dough with cinnamon flavored milk and a healthy shake of sugar. Not to be confused with the dessert option

  Lunch and Supper

  Chicken and Waffles Taco – Taco-seasoned fried chicken in a jalapeno-studded waffle shell topped with a chipotle honey drizzle, salsa-slaw, and cilantro sour cream

  Country Quesadilla and Warm Creamy Salsa – Carefully balanced blend of crumbly white Mexican, taco, and American singles cheeses in a folded piece of homemade bread, grilled and served with chili pepper tomato salsa blended smooth and topped with sliced avocado

  Thick-style Chips and Queso – Hand-flattened homemade biscuits deep fried and served with melted pimento cheese

  Green Pepper Relleno – Green pepper stuffed with crumbled meatloaf and mashed potatoes and flash fried. Served with seasoned rice and refried black-eyed peas

  Hoppin’ Juan – Refried black-eyed peas over a bed of seasoned rice. Served with hot pepper collards and jalapeno cornbread

  County Fair-jitas—Taco seasoned sausage, peppers, and onions served in a cast iron skillet with tortillas, chow chow and pimento queso

  South of the Brunswick Stew – Hearty blend of Ro-tel tomatoes and chilies, fiesta corn, and butterbeans in a seasoned broth with shredded chicken topped with cilantro sour cream and avocado

  Catch of the Day – Always catfish

  Shrimp Cocktail Ole – Battered shrimp and grits with a drizzle of hot sauce, doused in tequila

  Cerveza Ceviche – Tiny bits of beer-battered fish and hush puppies all mixed up with peppers, corn, and onions, drizzled with malt vinegar and sitting in beer

  Chili in a Cornbread Bowl – Chili. Served in a cornbread bowl

  Specialty Beverage

  Marge-arita – Named after Bubba Ray’s sweet wife. Marge’s own special blend of top shelf moonshine, tequila, and lemonade. Served in a chilled glass with an orange Kool-Aid powder rim

  Desserts

  Fran’s Flan – Tapioca pudding with homemade caramel sauce

  Choreos – Batter-dipped and deep-fried Oreos rolled in cinnamon sugar and served with chocolate sauce. Golden or chocolate. Not to be confused with the breakfast option

  From the Kitchen of Marge Ramirez Bubba Ray

  Thick-Style Chips and Queso

  Perfect for starting your meal, a munchie in the middle of the afternoon when you’re craving a little something but not quite ready for supper, or just as a nice lunch with a big pitcher of Marge-aritas. Make sure you fry the chips up good or they’ll be too soft for proper dipping in the queso. Melt the queso right before serving or it will get right gummy and you’ll have to spread it out on your chips

  Chips

  1 ½ cups flour

  1 ½ teaspoons salt

  1 tablespoon baking powder

  1 tablespoon sugar

  2/3 cup milk

  1/3 cup shortening

  2 tablespoons butter, chilled

  • Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

  • Sift your dry ingredients into a big old mixing bowl. Dump them out a
nd sift them again

  • Add your shortening and butter in chunks and cut in until it looks all crumbly

  • Make a well in the middle of the mix and add in your milk

  • Gently fold the flour mixture into the milk to form your dough

  • Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and flour your hands

  • Press the dough out into a rectangle and fold in half

  • Press down flat again, turn a quarter turn, fold in half and press

  • Repeat this for six more folds

  • Press out to a large rectangle and cut out your biscuits

  • Bake for 9-12 minutes or until golden

  • Once cool, slice each biscuit in half

  • Flatten your biscuits without crushing them

  • Fry until deeper brown but not burned

  • Drain on brown paper bags or paper towels

  Queso

  1 cup grated extra-sharp cheddar

  ½ cup sharp cheddar

  ½ cup mild cheddar

  4 ounces softened cream cheese

  ½ cup mayonnaise

  ¼ teaspoon garlic powder

  ½ red onion, chopped fine

  4 ounces pimentos or roasted red peppers, diced and drained

  Salt and pepper

  • Put softened cream cheese in a mixing bowl. Make sure it is plenty soft

  • Add in grated cheeses a little at a time and mash with a fork to start mixing it in

  • Add mayonnaise, garlic powder, and pimentos or roasted red peppers and combine thoroughly

  • Taste and add salt and pepper as you please

  • If you want it to bite back a little, sprinkle in some ground cayenne or chili powder

  • Pour the whole mess into a sauce pot and melt down until gooey right before serving

  From the Kitchen of Marge Ramirez

  Choreos

  (not to be confused with the breakfast item)

  If a churro and an Oreo had a baby, this would be it. Golden cookies make it a bit more churro-y. Chocolate cookies have chocolate. Don’t be shy on the cinnamon and sugar at the end, and if you want to serve these up with a big glass of cold milk, we won’t judge you a speck. Sprinkle some cinnamon on it to make it fancy

  Batter

  1 cup of your favorite pancake mix (I like to make up a batch of my homemade mix and save the extras for breakfast)

  2/3 cup milk

  1 egg, beaten

  1 ½ teaspoons vegetable oil

  Golden or chocolate sandwich cookies of your choice

  Equal parts cinnamon and sugar mixed together

  • Combine the pancake mix, oil, beaten egg, and milk in a mixing bowl until it creates a batter

  • Plop a cookie down in there and use a fork to flip it around a bit until it is totally covered

  • Lift the cookie up with the fork and wiggle it a little to get the excess off

  • Fry in 350-degree oil for about 3 minutes or until golden

  • Drain on brown paper bags or paper towels

  • While still hot and a little oily, toss around in the cinnamon and sugar

  From the Kitchen of Marge Ramirez Bubba Ray

  Chili in a Cornbread Bowl

  Now I know that most people think that Marge does all of the recipe making around here, but the truth is she might have given me some of the foundation for some of the dishes, but the menu is all mine. This here chili in a cornbread bowl is my greatest accomplishment if I do say so myself. Some people don’t believe that. Some people believe that it’s my Country Quesadilla and Warm Creamy Salsa that’s my real claim to fame, saying it’s just a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Can you believe that? Grilled cheese sandwich. Now I ask you. What is a sandwich? I mean, what makes a sandwich a sandwich? Two pieces of bread. TWO pieces of bread. You take one piece of bread, you slap some cheese down on that booger (I was going to say ‘bitch’ but I have been informed that that is no longer an acceptable term and you being a girl and all, I wouldn’t want to offend you), then you put on another piece of bread, griddle it up, and you’ve got yourself a grilled cheese sandwich. That is not what I make. I use just the one piece of bread.

  I’d like to add that I make that bread every day single-handedly. Well, I mean with my two hands. I’m not like Sally in the kitchen there who has just the one hand. She can’t really knead bread. That just gets messy. So, I get in there every day and I make big old pieces of flat bread. I put the cheeses and the onions and my secret blend of spices in there, I fold it on up, squish it down real good, and cook it. Now I ask you, does that sound like a sandwich? I rest my case. But anyway, back to the chili and cornbread bowl.

  The thing about it is, I didn’t even plan it. Now, don’t you go telling anybody that I told you that. I have a certain standing around here and I don’t want my brilliance to dim in the minds of my admirers. So, we’ll just let them keep on thinking that I came up with this idea out of the clear blue sky and not because I didn’t have any bowls to have my chili in.

  I used to eat my chili in a normal bowl just like anyone else. Every time that Marge cooked up a pot, I’d ladle it into a big old bowl, crumble up some cornbread on top, and go to town. One Christmas party, though, changed that forever. We had gathered up just about the whole town and were deeply involved in our festive celebration of the birth of our Lord and somebody broke out Cletus’s Clementine Moonshine. Well, after drinking a bit too much of it, which is to say…any, there were some words and a challenge and next thing I knew all my bowls ended up on the roof. They looked glorious all wrapped up with the Christmas lights. In fact, they’re still there. People come from all three surrounding counties to see my Christmas bowls. I tell you what, I like the attention. But they’re still my bowls. I realized quickly that going about my life without bowls was going to be bit more challenging. Not having a bowl for my morning cereal wasn’t all that difficult. I mean, I can just tip my head back and pour the cereal and milk in my mouth, then jiggle around some and it’s all the same.

  But then Marge made up some New Year’s chili and I didn’t have a bowl to eat out of. I couldn’t climb up on the roof to get one of those bowls. There had been some ice and I just couldn’t get a good grip on it. Besides, there were still some people coming by to see the lights and I didn’t want to break up the display any. It was just too beautiful. So, I had to figure out another way to eat my chili. That’s when I thought about my cornbread. I always put the cornbread in the chili. So why not put the chili…in the cornbread. Believe me when I tell you that I don’t make none of that pansy cornbread that falls apart when you look at it wrong and tastes all sweet and sh—tuff. (Sorry. That’s another one of those words that I’m apparently not allowed to use anymore. I’m telling you. I feel like I’m having to learn to talk again. Times have changed. Times—have—changed.) My cornbread is solid. I don’t know if the jalapenos I mix up in there have some sort of binding powers or what, but when you turn a batch of my cornbread out on a plate, it stays together.

  Therein lies the beginning of my brilliance. (That’s a new word I just learned. Therein. It’s just like ‘there’ but fancier. It sounds like it should be a guy on that show with the swords and the big mountains and the naked girls and the dragons and stuff. You know the one. What’s it called? I’m not allowed to watch it with Marge in the room, but I’ve caught a couple of episodes down at the bar on their screening nights when Vint drags out the big TV) I baked up some cornbread and plopped it out onto the cutting board. Just like always, it was just one big nice solid chunk. I had burned up the edges a little, but that’s no thing. I just took out the cheese grater and trimmed them up a bit. Then I hollowed out that middle and ladled in the chili.

  BOOM. My masterpiece is born. Now if you really want to, you can put the innards on top of the chili, but I think a whole bowl made out of cornbread is enough and I’d just as soon put those aside and use them for corn pudding or dressing.

  Well it looks like I’ve filled up
both sides of this here recipe card and didn’t put the recipe. I’ll try to squeeze it here in the bottom.

  1 pot chili

  1 dish cornbread

  • Hollow out your cornbread

  • Put a big old ladle of chili inside

  • Eat

  Rue

  I turned the page of the scrapbook and found the torn piece of notebook paper that Cletus had given me with his recipe for Cletus’s Clementine Moonshine scrawled on it. Now all that was visible on it was the title. The rest of the recipe had been crossed out with a large black marker until it was one solid mass of black ink. I felt Richard come up behind me and lean around to kiss my cheek and I pointed at the blotted-out recipe.

  “I don’t think that was entirely necessary,” I said.

  “Oh, really?” Richard said, grabbing the sides of my chair and spinning me around to face him. “You think that it’s a good idea to include a recipe for the very moonshine that led to her birth in our daughter’s scrapbook? A scrapbook, I’ll point out, that you intend on giving to her when she’s eighteen – right around when moonshine is probably the least good idea possible?”

  “What?” I asked, trying to keep my face as straight as possible. “Don’t you want her to grow up knowing how to properly clean and disinfect?”

  Richard laughed and leaned down to kiss me.