“Hey look at me,” I say pulling her pretty face up to so that I can look into her eyes.
I love her eyes. Warm and kind. They showed everything without hesitation or games. So fucking honest… too fucking honest. Her brown eyes a deep chocolate with gold flecks in them.
“I didn’t mean to make jokes. I hate this part too. I promise I will try to get back here tonight. How about tomorrow you guys come over, I’ll grill something up and we can all go swimming, what do you think?” she looks like she is about to answer but doesn’t and I worry.
“I’m sure the kids would love it..” I start to say, but she cuts me off.
“I don’t want to push you into all this Mike,” she says looking up at me, stepping back and putting space between us.
“What?” Feeling left a little unbalanced by her statement, I try not to sound defensive but can’t seem to help it, “Push me into what?”
“The chaos that is my life Mike. Sometimes it feels like you are giving me the green light, that you want to be here. But there are other times that…”
“When what honey?” I can feel my body starting to tense. What the hell was I doing that made her so nervous?
“When you hold back, and for the most part it’s fine. I totally get it…”
“Get what?” I ask, not able to help myself.
“I bring a lot to the table,” she says, her eyes wide and slightly sad.
“None of it’s bad babe.” I try to reassure her, not able to tell her how much I care. I can’t until she knows the truth. The look on her face tells me she isn’t convinced.
“I get that Mike, but it’s a lot.” She bites her lower lip and I can’t seem to look away from it.
“I just want to be clear about one thing though,” she starts to say, her sweet face now serious.
“What’s that?” My voice is a bit hoarse with worry.
“I get that your are hesitant and holding back.”
“You do?” I ask my heart slightly racing at the thought that she actually knew the truth.
“Yeah. I mean, you and Holly were together for so long, and then now you and I. It’s not like I bring in the easiest situation either. That being said, when it becomes to be too much Mike, all you have to do is tell me.” Her eyes open and are slightly glassy without tears. God she is so fucking strong and beautiful it makes my heart ache.
“What do you mean?”
“If you want an out it’s okay. I mean when you want one… all you have to do is call it quits. Tell me. No games or hurt feelings. I don’t want you to feel obligated to be here or hang around. I want you to know that I’d get it, if what I bring to the table is too much,” she says clearly rambling and nervous.
“You think that is what’s holding me back? What you bring to the table?” I ask completely dumbfounded and she nods. She fucking nods. She thought her situation was too much for me to handle. That that was what made me hesitate. Fuck me.
Part of me wants to shake her and tell her how much I fucking care about her; spill all the words I have been choking on. Tell her how how I care about the four of them. The other part of me is ashamed at myself for letting her think that this could be the case at all.
“Baby, shit. It’s me. You’ve seen what my schedule is like with work. How I have to leave at the drop of a dime. How busy my schedule gets. I want you to be sure about me. Not the other way around. The other way around, I like what you bring to the table. Your kids are great. You’re great.” Her eyes still glassy, she looks away. God I wish I could tell her more.
“Come here,” I tell her, but she is still looking at me with her guarded eyes, and I just want those warm chocolate pools to turn warm for me.
“Mike you should get going, John needed you,” she says sounding slightly defeated.
“Come here,” I repeat and she looks at me. She isn’t moving. So I go to her. My hands going to her round hips, pulling her body into mine. My mouth going to the crook of her neck, kissing the soft skin there. Moving my lips to her ear I say,
“I want to be here. The moment you don’t want me here you tell me. This thing goes both ways.”
“Mike…” she starts to say but I interrupt her, moving from her ear to look at her pretty face.
“Shh. Kiss me babe I have to go. I’ll try to finish with John as fast as I can.” She stands on her tip toes her lips falling onto mine and I want to cheer for small accomplishments. She kisses me. I love when she kisses me. They start off shy and sweet and heat up fast. I just wish I could stay to let them get as hot as she wanted. Breaking the kiss and saying goodbye almost killed me.
Mike
John bought a new place, a large amount of land in the Hollywood Hills. The house was Old Hollywood and he was getting work done on it. The house had been extremely run down almost abandoned by some old Hollywood movie star, and when she died her kids sold the property. John loved investments and he jumped on this monstrosity for some unknown reason. The place was so run down it even needed a new fucking road built.
As I am about to bang on the door, John opens it up smiling brightly. Too brightly.
“You are finally fucking here,” he says laughing standing at the door in grey track pants and a white t-shirt.
“Shut up,” I mumble as I follow him into what he has converted into his study.
Sitting on the antique leather chair across the desk from him I notice he looks exhausted.
“So what did the attorneys at Patterson and Rowinsky have to say?” I ask, a dull ache starting at my temples.
“Overcrowding and good behavior. He is being let out Thursday Mike,” he says calmly, but the way he is watching me makes me feel like I am under a microscope.
My little brother, after killing two men while driving drunk, is now going to go free.
I know part of me should be happy about his impending freedom, but somehow it doesn’t feel right. An image of Sabrina’s kids flash in my mind. Three great kids are growing up without a father. Sabrina without her husband. Yet my brother is going to be free to live his life.
“Shit,” I say running my fingers through my hair leaning further back into the comfortable chair.
“Seems your dad knew. Walt is renting him a house in LA. A small two room cottage, nothing fancy.”
“Fuck… you serious?” I ask.
My fucking dad. Patrick was his weakness. He had loved Patrick’s mom. She had been his one, but he had chosen money and social standing over love. Now he lived in a huge house, shared a room with a woman he couldn’t stand and every Tuesday morning he took pink roses to the cemetery where Lorelai Evans was laid to rest. I felt bad for him, but in life we all make decisions and have to live with the consequences.
Consequences.
What would my consequences be? What would happen between Sabrina and I once she knew the truth? What consequences would I be living with once my lies came to the light? I felt my stomach twist and turn, making me feel sick.
“Now with Maxwell Financial, we need to make a trip to New York this week. Something about this CEO isn’t rubbing me the right way. I was going through the contracts and…”
“John. Our attorneys have looked through everything…”
“Mike I am telling you, something is not cool about this guy,” John says seriously. John might be a big jokester, but when it comes to business he doesn’t screw around.
“Okay… We can leave Monday night…”
“Mike we need Robin to get us on the next plane out.”
“I have plans with Sabrina and the kids…” I start to say, but John shakes his head.
“Mike,” he says sternly as if I am a two year old child.
“John,” I repeat back to him. I know I am being childish, but I fucking wanted to see them. Be around them. The calm I got from being around them was addicting.
“Look I know that on your birthday I gave you a little bit of a hard time about this girl, but seriously. This chick has serious baggage. You have serious baggage whe
n it comes to her. You need to stop playing around here,” he tells me his eyes never wavering from mine, his face cold and serious.
“Who says I am playing…” I ask as I start to get pissed off.
“Do you love her? Hmm? Can you sit here and tell me in the eyes you fucking love her?” He asks seriously, which surprises me for John. He doesn’t do serious and love. He has reasons for it.
“Yes. I love her,” I tell him never breaking eye contact with him.
“Then let her go.” He runs his hand through his hair. Taking a deep breath he looks at me, “When she finds out the truth, and it is WHEN not IF Mike. She isn’t going to be able to forgive you for lying all this time. The past will come crashing back to her and she will feel the loss all over again Mike. She will feel like Sean just died all over again,” he says looking out the window into the darkness of his monstrous property.
John had been through his own hell. He understood loss and sadness in a way no man ever should. I knew that what he was saying hit home, and that this was personal. If anybody understood how Sabrina would react it was John. But a small part of me wondered if he was right. When I would tell Sabrina the truth, would it be like reliving Sean’s death all over for her?
“John…”
“Just think about it. Whatever you decide you know I have your back Mike. You are my brother you know that,” he says supportively.
“Yeah,” I say clearing my throat. I was closer to him than my own brother. He knew me better than anyone in the world.
“Have Robin book those flights. We need to make sure this deal doesn’t blow up in our faces.”
As much as I don’t want to go and agree with him, I know he is right. I was going to have to fly out and not be able to see Sabrina or help her with the kids tomorrow.
“Okay,” I agree just as the doors to the study open up wide.
“Johnny baby…” A tall blonde in black mesh lingerie walks into the study with an even taller African American woman in the hot pink version of the mesh lingerie and John smirks.
“Come on over lovelies and meet my best friend. Mike meet Sasha and Corine. Girls this guy here is Mike.”
They come over and hug me, kissing me on the cheek. Their heavy perfume only adding to the ache that is now starting to throb at my temples.
“Nice to meet you ladies.”
“You want to stay and have some drinks Mike?” John graciously asks smiling big and I shake my head. I know what he is doing. He thinks he can tempt me into staying with one of his hired women. Before Sabrina I would have. But now, all I can see, all I want is Sabrina.
“Thanks, but I should get going. I’ll call Robin and have her text you the flight information,” I say excusing myself from John’s little sexcapades.
Sabrina
My phone ringing wakes me from my sleep. Stretching my back as I get up, I remind myself that sleeping on the couch is not the best idea for my back. The silence of the house reminds me that I am alone here. The kids are at Emmi’s and Mike has been called away to his friends house, and I sigh. I had had plans today. I had bought a pretty nightie that I wanted to surprise Mike with. Plans that have unfortunately fallen apart.
I answer my phone to Mike’s picture on the screen.
“Hi,” I say, clearing my voice.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Hey. Everything okay?” I ask heading into the kitchen for a glass of water.
“Yeah everything is good. I’m going to have to fly out to New York tomorrow. Robin is working on getting John and I a flight.” His deep voice sounds a little frustrated and my heart sinks a little. He is leaving again.
“Oh okay,” I say, closing my eyes. I know I must sound like an idiot, but I don’t know what else to say. He had warned me what his schedule was like. Completely unknown.
“I’m sorry babe,” he says.
“Where are you?” I ask.
“On my way back to my place,” he says gruffly.
“Oh okay.” I know I sound disappointed, yet I can’t help it. I should have taken him up on the couple hours of him being with me instead of sending him away.
“I’m sorry babe. I have to pack and …”
“No, I understand. Do you need a ride to the airport?” A ride to the airport? I frown at myself. Would he consider that as something you do when you are in a relationship, which we obviously aren’t. But the idea of seeing him before he left gave me hope that maybe this whole thing wasn’t one sided.
“No. Robin always gets me a car. I don’t want to add to your day. I just wanted to call and let you know I wasn’t going to be able to stop by,” he says and I can’t help feel as if I was just brushed aside.
“Oh okay,” I mumble like a moron shaking my head, “have a good flight Mike.”
I was going to say to call me when he got in, but it didn’t feel right. I wasn’t going to be one of those women who made things more than they were. We were dating casually. Mostly friends who fooled around once in a while. Who was I kidding? I knew it was more than that, or at least for me it was. I just had to make sure to be smart.
I was getting really attached to a man who ran hot and cold.
“Okay babe. I’ll let you get some sleep,” he says awkwardly. Was he holding back from saying more I wonder. I close my eyes and shake my head. I am setting myself up for heartache thinking this way.
“Okay. Goodnight Mike. Be safe.” I whisper as I hear him end the call. I head up to bed and somehow get the rest so badly needed.
***
It’s a new day as I watch the kids in the backyard. Emmi is sitting next to me talking to me about something or another and I can’t seem to focus on what she is talking about. I haven’t heard from Mike. Maybe it had all been too much for him, meeting everyone.
“Earth to Sabrina?” Emmi says and I look at her. My bestie is smiling brightly, her jet black hair in a ponytail standing out in contrast to the bright red shirt she has on.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?” I apologize and she laughs.
“I haven’t seen you this preoccupied since that one time you dated that guy… Brad no Brett.” She comments on my past before Sean and I laugh.
“Brent. I’m sorry. It’s just…”
“Mike?” she asks raising a delicate eyebrow up and I nod.
“I think it was too much for him. Meeting everyone yesterday,” I admit feeling a little lost emotionally since last night. He hadn’t called this morning. Not even a text.
“You two looked pretty cozy in the kitchen,” she says smiling and then laughs as I feel my cheeks warm up.
“I actually felt bad for interrupting,” she says and I laugh.
“No you didn’t, you loved it!” I joke with her.
“You’re right. I did,” she laughs and I shake my head, taking a drink of my water. The day is nice. It’s bright and sunny, but with a great cool breeze in the air.
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about though,” she adds and I look at her. She is looking at me smiling softly.
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
“The way he looks at you Rin… Honey that man is so enchanted by you. He couldn’t get his eyes off of you yesterday. Even your dad mentioned it to Dan.”
“He did?” I ask surprised my dad would notice something like that.
“Yeah he did. He also seemed to have made a great impression on him.”
My phone beeps and I pick it up.
I MISS YOU. JUST GOT TO HOTEL. I’LL CALL YOU TONIGHT. MIKE.
He misses me. Smiling I respond.
MISS YOU TOO. TTYT.
“Mike?” Emmi asks and I look at her.
“How did you know?” I ask.
“That cheesy ass grin on your face was a dead giveaway,” she says and I laugh.
“I like him Em,” I say smiling and then sigh, “Do you think…”
“It’s almost been four years honey,” she says warmly but seriously.
“I know but..”
&
nbsp; “No buts. Don’t overthink this Rin. He likes you. You like him. Go from there. The kids like him. We all like him. Nick was even semi-nice yesterday. We just want you to be happy… let yourself have this,” she says to me and I sip my drink as I think about what she just said to me.
“I think Sean would have liked him,” I admit softly and she looks at me. Covering her hand in mine she nods.
“I think so too,” she says and we smile at one another as we watch the kids play in the backyard. And as the sun sets on the day, I feel like I can somehow breathe a little easier.
Mike
Two weeks after the fourth of July, Nick had somehow got a hold of my number and asked me to meet him for a drink. Sabrina hadn’t even mentioned he was in town. Nick being her best friend, I figured I would agree and see what he wanted to say. I knew he didn’t really like me, I almost wondered if he knew the truth of who I was. But if he did, he more than likely would have told Sabrina already.
Patrick had been released just like John had said. I had gone to see him with my dad at the house that my dad had set him up with.Pat looked older, a little rougher around the edges. He was certainly not the same kid that went into prison. He was sober now, or so he had said. He hadn’t asked me about Sabrina again, thankfully.
I walked into the small, dimly lit vintage looking bar and spot Nick right away. He was sitting at the bar, nursing what looked like Scotch.
Walking over to him I take the bar stool right next to him.
“You want something to drink?” he asks seriously not bothering to look at me, keeping his gaze across the bar towards the flat screens playing a baseball game.
“No, I’m good. You said you wanted to talk to me?” I ask, figuring it was better to get to the point, instead of making unnecessary small talk.
“Has she ever told you what she was like after Sean died?” he asks. His voice cold and curt, more than the usual cold tone he talked to me, and that makes my body go on high alert.
“Some,” I answer wondering where the hell this is going.
“What did she say?” He asks glancing over to me. His face serious, but his dark eyes were filled with curiosity.
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