All he does is nod as if he’s listening to me, but I know better.
He’s deep in his mind, completely worried and stressed out. I had given him his space all day, letting him use the kids as a buffer between us, and now I am thinking it had been a mistake. I should have talked it out with him earlier. He’s deep in his mind and thoughts, building walls up to keep me out.
Sean’s words repeat in my mind about how pride doesn’t belong with love, and I say what I know isn’t the right moment to tell him, but he needs to know how I feel. He needs to know how deep my commitment is to this thing that we have going.
“I love you Mike,” I say softly as I stare at him
I wasn’t expecting him to say he loved me back, but I wasn’t expecting him to stay quiet either. He runs his fingers through his hair, looking towards the kids playground. The night is nice. Perfect weather, a cool breeze. Looking at him, his tortured gaze breaks my heart. I know he’s stressed out about the threats Reese had made. All day after taking a shower he hadn’t wanted to talk to me, hadn’t wanted me around him, but he hadn’t left. He had been here all day. He’d even helped me with the kids as I talked to Nick and my attorneys, so I took that as a good sign.
“Mike. Did you hear what I said?” I ask him, looking at him but he never looks my way, so I push again.
“I love you Mike. We can….” I start to say but he starts to shake his head.
“I’m not any good for you.” He sounds so broken as he gives into his misconstrued idea of who he thinks he is. I want to shake him for even saying it. I just look at him sitting on my couch, his elbows on his knees, his eyes anywhere but on me.
“I think I should be the one to make that decision,” I say, thinking that all this is about is him needing to be reassured that what Sean’s mom thinks doesn’t matter to me. If he only knew how his own mother felt, this would be horrible.
“You don’t get it. It’s not working,” he says looking away from me. His eyes look towards the gate that heads to the driveway, and my heart beat starts to pick up. A small breeze kicks in and I shiver.
“What are you saying?” I say as a smidge of panic starts to gravitate towards my heart.
“It’s done.” His voice is ice cold and serious, and I frown.
“Wait what?” I ask confused. He couldn’t mean us, could he? After everything we’d been through.
“You and I, it’s done,” he says, his eyes meeting mine for the first time today and they’re completely guarded and cold.
“Just like that?” I ask calmly.
“Yeah,” his voice is calm but his eyes are angry. My stomach clenches in fear.
Why would he push so hard to get so far into my heart, only to rip himself out? Did it still have to do with his feelings of guilt and responsibility of Sean’s death? I thought we had moved past this. Especially after last night and before Reese’s call, I had thought this was going a whole other direction.
“Why?” I ask, standing straighter. If he was going to walk away, I wanted to know his reasons.
“Lots of reasons,” he says his gaze not fully on me.
“Tell me some,” I push even as my mind screams at me not to. I see him squirm a little bit, but then he looks at me.
“Because I’m still in love with Holly, it’s always been her for me,” he says, not really looking at me.
I stand still, remembering how they are together, and I know he is lying. Sure he probably did love her. She is his best friend the way that Nick’s mine. But he isn’t “in” love with her.
“You’re lying,” I whisper, shaking my head. “You’re trying to push me away.”
“Yeah I am,” he says as he really looks into my eyes for the first time since I had gotten off the phone with Sean’s mom this morning.
But unlike this morning where his eyes had been full of unspoken promises and filled with hope for the future, his pale blue eyes are cold and unyielding now, and my heart suddenly starts to hurt.
***
Mike
“Yeah I am. I’m pushing you away because I’m not any good for you Sabrina, I don’t love you. Things with you and I are way too complicated to have a future. It’s too messy. This whole thing has gotten out of hand.” I look at her wide eyes turn sad as she processes what I am saying. But I’m not about to stop there because I’m a true asshole.
“Between Pat and Sean, there was no hope. Add in a dead husband who’s perfect ghost hangs over our damn heads. OVER MY DAMN HEAD! Shit Sabrina you have to know he was someone I would never measure up to. Then if that wasn’t enough, there is the fact you already have three kids. All that shit together is a lot of baggage,” I say and I look at her, she is standing so still, her creamy pink face growing pale.
All I want to do is go over to her, hold her in my arms, and tell her I don’t mean any of the shit I just said, but I can’t. I have to push her away. Reese threatening her this morning was a huge wake up call. So instead of grabbing her close I sit still, my elbows on my knees, looking up at her standing only a few feet away.
“Too much baggage?” she repeats almost to herself. Her face is so pale and her eyes are wide in shock, and then a sad smile goes to her lips. “I see you have been talking to your mom.”
“What?” I frown, feeling something in the pit of my stomach. What did my mother have anything to do with this? It didn’t matter. I had to keep going until she just didn’t want me around anymore. It is better this way.
“Look I’m sorry I thought I could do this, but honestly I can’t.”
“What’s this exactly?” she asks and I look at her. Her beautiful eyes start to dim, something about them aren’t the same. The brightness and life that had drawn me in like a moth to a fire was slowly fading away right in front of me; and it stings to know I’m the one taking it out of her.
“The whole thing of me stepping in to play Daddy.” And she flinches like I had just hit her, and I swear to God I want to throw up.
“Is that how you feel?” she asks her lip quivering and I can’t seem to keep going with all this lying, so instead a rub my hands over my face staying silent, and she says, “Mike that was never my intention. I…”
“Look I’m not dad material okay. Much less able to do the whole step-dad thing. We had fun. Now it’s done. This,” pointing back and forth from her to me, “It’s over. It’s not going anywhere.”
“Fun?” She asks starting to sound angry. I can work with angry. “Fun. That’s what this was about? What was it Mike, the thrill of the chase? Sex?”
This is where I have to go in for the kill. I know how insecure she feels about the women in my past, even though that should never have gone through her mind. To me she is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on.
This is my chance.
“The sex was alright. I mean I got off right?” I spew as I stare into her empty stunned brown eyes. Sex with her had been incredible. Best I ever had. Best I would never have again.
She doesn’t say anything for what feels like an eternity. My heart racing, I have to finish this and get the hell out.
“Look we never made any promises. We were just getting to know one another. I got to know you and the situation. It’s not for me. It’s over,” I finally say as I stand up, not even sure how I’m able to sound so nonchalant after all the awful shit I had said without flinching. I’m a complete asshole. King of douchebags.
They are all I want, and now I’m letting it all go.
“Okay then,” she says softly. “Thanks.”
“For?” I ask, bracing myself for her screams or anger, all of which I deserve.
She looks at me and I should have been prepared. I knew my girl, she always laid her cards on the table, but this time she sucker punched me with her character, with the type of woman she was. I really should have seen it coming though, instead of being surprised when she spoke.
“For letting me add a notch to your bedpost. For however mediocre it was for you, you Mike were the best
I ever had…” Her eyes are honest but something in her just keeps fading away from me and I feel like I’m going to be sick as I watch the brightness in her eyes all but disappear in front of me.
FUCK. I want to scream, what the hell am I doing to us? How could she still thank me, after I had been such an asshole to her? She shakes her head and smiles at me, but instead of the smile that makes her face bright and happy, it’s almost cynical and angry.
“And let me tell you Mike, I had fucking great before you. Things with Sean were INCREDIBLE. In and out of bed, it was like a fucking dream. Yet never once did I feel the need to compare the two of you, because what I thought we shared and what I had with him were two completely different things. What I thought we had,” she says pointing back and forth from her to me. “I thought it was unlike anything I had even thought possible.
“You helped me come back to life, to see everything around me in color again. So for that, thanks.” Her voice starts to crack and all I want to do is get on my knees and beg her for forgiveness.
But I don’t, because at the end of the day she deserves someone better, not a constant reminder of the past and how it had been taken away. She needs someone that her family approved of. Someone that wouldn’t cause issues between them just because of who he was. Especially not someone they could use against her to try to take away her kids.
“Have a great life Mike.” Her voice is calm and steady, but her eyes are what are shattering my soul. They are so empty and flat. No tears, no emotions. “Now get the fuck out of my house.” Her voice ice cold and angry. I look at her eyes, no longer dancing with light.
I want to go to her, hold her for dear life, and bury my nose in her neck. I want to smell her sweet scent. Feel the warmth of her body pressed up next to mine. But I can’t. So I just walk past her, leaving her standing alone. Walking into the darkness of the shadows of her backyard, not letting myself look at her.
***
Sabrina
“The sex was alright. I mean I got off right?” He says sounding like a complete asshole. It was alright, I got off right? Who was this man in front of me? Where was my Mike, the Mike who was so sweet and loving and incredibly passionate?
I can’t seem to find my voice, everything in me goes numb. That part of me that had come alive from the moment that Mike had bumped into me is starting to fade away. I could almost see her shrinking away, the numbness that had been my friend my shield against feeling pain starts to wake up again.
“Look we never made any promises. We were just getting to know one another. I got to know you and the situation, it’s not for me. It’s over,” he says like I had never mattered as he stands up from the couch. Had I even mattered to him? Had it all been some sick mind game with him?
“Okay then,” I say.
I don’t want to drown in this numbness again… but I know there isn’t much space for me. All I know is that I had promised myself that if something ever were to happen again like Sean and I had the opportunity to say thank you, the thank you I was never able to say to Sean, I would take it. He had brought me back, just by being him… well by being whoever he had been from that day at the little Starbucks off of Colorado Blvd.
“Thanks.”
“For?” he asks, looking frustrated.
I look at him, trying to soak in his beauty, even though he has been a complete asshole yet I can’t seem to turn off the feelings I have for him. Would I always love him?
Finally I speak, knowing that I had to end this the way it started, without games.
“For letting me add a notch to your bedpost. For however mediocre it was for you, you Mike were the best I ever had… and let me tell you Mike, I had fucking great before you. Things with Sean were INCREDIBLE, in and out of bed, it was like a fucking dream. Yet never once did I feel the need to compare the two of you because what I thought we shared and what I had with him were two completely different things.”
“What I thought we had,” I say pointing back and forth from him to me. “I thought it was unlike anything I had even thought was even possible. You helped me come back to life, to see everything around me in color again. So for that, thanks.” My voice starts to crack and I take a deep breath.
“Have a great life Mike.” My voice stays calm and steady as I watch him, his eyes on me, my soul slowly filling with numbness…no tears, no emotions. I can’t let him see how much he is hurting me. “Now get the fuck out of my house.” My voice is miraculously steady and cold.
He walks past me, and I look away. I don’t want to see him. Everything just hurts at the idea that he had just completely played me.
Sabrina
Morning came too fast. My head is hurting as sunlight pours through the blinds. I look at the clock, and notice it’s time for me to get up and get the kids ready for school.
Miraculously somehow I kept it together. Dropping them off I headed back home, calling Laney on my way home, telling her I wasn’t feeling well and I would be working from home today. She didn’t mind, because my assistant Kate knew what to do.
I crawled back into bed, holding the pillow he usually used and I just look out the window. Everything he had said came crashing back. It was like the whole fight was playing on repeat in my mind and it wouldn’t shut off. That’s when I started to get angry. I stood up and grabbing all the bedding off the bed, I threw it in the wash and looking like a crazy person went out to my garbage bins in the backyard and threw away every pillow from my bed and from the guest room where he stayed. I didn’t want any traces of him in my house.
Who did he think he was? Baggage. He thought I had too much baggage? His idiot self had so much it was ridiculous. Screw him. I didn’t need anyone in my life that didn’t want to be there. Sure he was hot and sexy and incredibly sweet when he wanted to be, but that wasn’t enough. Not when in a split second he was able to shred my heart to pieces without thinking twice about it. Did I really believe he didn’t feel anything for me? I thought as I sat on the kitchen counter drinking my coffee.
No, he cared, it just hadn’t been enough. It hadn’t been enough for him to fight for what we had. He was a freaking coward, and I was the idiot who loved him.
With that depressing note, I heard my washing machine chime that it was done. Once the bedding was thrown in the dryer, I got dressed and ready for the day, refusing to let him get me down. I had too much on my plate to let Michael Crown and his forty year old childish ass get in my way of accomplishing it.
***
I threw myself into my work, concentrating on all my upcoming events, making sure that the Breast Cancer Gala would run seamlessly with Laney and Kate handling the reins.
Suddenly four days had passed by in a blur.
He hadn’t called me, and I hadn’t called him. The kids asked about him, but I had just said that he was out of town. I didn’t know why I couldn’t get myself to say that he was out of our lives. Was I hoping he’d change his mind?
No. Not that I would admit to myself if I was.
I kept telling myself, I didn’t know how to break their hearts. I called Nick on Wednesday morning and asked if he could take the boys to the Chargers home game on Sunday, and he was more than happy to, and thankfully he hadn’t asked me why Mike wasn’t taking them.
He was flying in tonight and staying at the house, saying he would kill a couple birds with one stone, and go watch Penny’s dance recital with me on Friday. Now all I had to do was figure out how to break the news to Penny that Mike wouldn’t be at her ballet recital.
Around three in the afternoon on Thursday, Holly surprises me by walking into my office. She looks as glamorous as always. Her long blonde hair is up in a high ponytail, not one hair out of place. She’s wearing a sleeveless red and white polka dot blouse with pearl buttons down the front and extremely skinny black jeans. Watching as she walks towards me smiling sweetly, it really hit me how much of his type I’m not. She is willowy and tall, beautiful, like she belonged in the pages of Vanity Fair and Cosmo. Al
most a complete opposite to me.
I watch as she comes over to me and I stand and am caught off guard when she hugs me. Really hugs me, as if we were lifelong friends.
“Hey doll! How are you?” she asks happily as she looks at me, and I am a little surprised. I guess we had hit it off more than I had thought? Or is it all an act? Had we really connected somehow?
“Good, how are you?” I ask hugging her back.
“Good,” she says smiling brightly. Yeah he was WAY out of my league if he is bagging chicks like this one, my bad girl chimes.
“Please take a seat,” I say smiling. We both sit down and she looks genuinely happy to be here. “So what do I owe the pleasure?”
“What are you guys doing this Saturday?” she asks brightly, her eyes almost sparkling.
“I’m not sure, I don’t think we have plans,” other than drowning myself in Hagen Daz ice cream, bad girl chimes in once more.
“You do now. You guys are coming over to my house. I am having a BBQ. The weather is supposed to be nice. The kids can go swimming. We can hang out and drink wine, while the guys cook. What do you think? ” she asks.
Her excitement is a little contagious, and I have to admit I do like her. She’s been really nice, and her boys get along with my kids. Then it hits me, she doesn’t know things with Mike had completely blown up in my face.
“Holly…” I start to say but she cuts me off.
“I also heard from Robin, Mike’s assistant, that you still need to sell one more table for the Gala to be sold out?” she asks curiously.
“Yeah I do. I have a couple of people interested, but no one that has told me yes right off the bat.”
She jumps in her chair clapping her hands, her excitement bubbling out of her, and all I can do is smile. She reminds me of Penny when Penny is all enthusiastic about something.
“Consider it sold!” she says her bright blue eyes wide and happy.
“Are you serious?” I ask, my heart jumping with joy at the idea of the Gala selling completely out, but then I remember, “But Holly, you and Robert already bought tickets…”
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