by Dijorn Moss
Pastor Dawkins knew what he was doing. He was falling in love, but he could not help but wonder if he was worthy of a woman like Grace.
“Why are you so scared to give yourself a chance to find someone? It’s not like you are priest,” Grace said.
“Watch out now, I’m not scared. I just don’t want to put myself in a compromising situation. Part of the success of our ministry lies in the fact that there hasn’t been any scandal regarding me and some sister at the church. I couldn’t live with the shame of letting my God down.”
“I’m not looking to put you in a compromising situation.” Grace took another bite of her food.
There were a lot of things that made Pastor Dawkins enamored with Grace. One of those things was her directness. Grace knew how to be unabashed without being abrasive. She challenged him, and for that he felt inclined to be just as straightforward.
“What you have to understand is that I can’t afford to have my integrity questioned. If one of the brothers or sisters of the church walked by and saw us laughing and having a meal together, things would get so twisted that folks would think that I lost my salvation.”
“Didn’t you just preach a sermon where you said not to care about what others think? Be more concerned with what God thinks?” Grace concluded her question with a wink and a smile.
Pastor Dawkins responded with a chuckle. “Do as God says and not as I do.”
Grace pointed her fork at Pastor Dawkins as if to shame him.
“Look, the church is under attack right now with all of these pastors going through a divorce or getting caught up in scandals. I believe that it is not my season to explore new relationships.”
“If that were true, then you wouldn’t be here. I know that you carry with you a strong anointing, and you would not be on a date with a woman God had not preordained you to meet.”
Pastor Dawkins felt it was wrong to carry such a strong emotion for a woman who was not his wife. He felt that those emotions would one day lead to his downfall, and he could not risk being yet another case of a pastor who could not live up to the standards he preached.
“Look, I’m not trying to put any pressure on you. All I’m saying is don’t cut something off for no reason. If you’re happy and you didn’t have to compromise to achieve it, then go with the flow.” Grace touched Pastor Dawkins’s hand.
Her hands were soft and warm. He was tempted to kiss them, but that would have been inappropriate. Instead, Pastor Dawkins inhaled the chocolate scent from her fresh nail polish. He had resigned a long time ago to being single, but now in order for him to truly be happy, he would have to let go of his preconceived notions.
“Who’s next?” Eric, the barber, said as he shook off the hair from the previous client. Platinum Cuts gave Will a job sweeping up hair, with the promise of a new job upon Will’s graduation from Smith’s Barber College. For the first time in his life, Will was gainfully employed. He was going to school to get his license. Quincy allowed him to stay in his condo, and he was making decent money to send to his brother.
Will had not given up on trying to get his brother away from his mother. Will’s mom was inflexible.
“Hey, boy!” his father said with a big smile on his face.
Will had heard that his father was getting early parole. He’d stopped treating the news as a special occasion, because from Will’s standpoint, it was only a matter of time before he went back to prison.
“Hey, Pops!” Will gave him a big hug. He loved his father, Will was just tired of being disappointed.
“I heard you moved out?” Odell asked.
“I had to; I would’ve ended up shot or in prison like you. I want more for my life.”
“More? More? What, you got a new hustle?” Odell said with his eyes bulging.
“I guess you can say that. I decided to get my life straight with the Lord. A friend from church got me a place out in Long Beach and I’m going to school to become a barber.”
Will was sure that his father would laugh at his son’s plan to become a barber. Instead, Will’s conversion caused his father to put his head down in shame.
“So that’s it? You’re just going to walk out on your family? I thought I raised you better than that.”
“Listen, I’m not judging you, and I know that what you did was for me and the family. I just wanted to find my own way.”
“Now, look here, I’m supposed to be teaching you and you’re over here teaching me.” He patted Will on the shoulder. “I’m proud of you, son. Now, stick with it, because I don’t want to see you going down the same road I went down. I’m tired of going back and forth to that cage. I’m too old for that.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry that I missed out on so much of your life, and, like I said, I just wanted to provide for you guys.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, I know. But you still got Joshua and Elisha and they need their father. Josh needs you to show him how to move through life and not get caught up.”
“I think Josh already has a good teacher to show him how.” Odell wiped his eyes.
If God never did another thing for him, Will was thankful that God at least gave him a break from his past.
“Dad, I want us to do things the right way. If God can do a work in me, then I know He can do a work in you.”
Odell started to shake his head and more tears started to appear. “No, it’s too late for me. I’m glad you got out when you did, but I, on the other hand, ain’t got nothing left.”
“Your best days are ahead of you and you don’t even know it. And you ain’t too old, either. That’s why God still got air in your lungs, so you can turn and change. It’s not too late.”
Will had never spoken so sternly to his father before. Will always saw himself as the good son who followed orders without questions. He never questioned his father’s wisdom, but now he could see his father for what he truly was: scared.
He was scared to start over. He was scared to be alone and, overall, he was scared that he would die having failed at being a man. Will knew the reason he was doing all of these things in his life was because of the people in his life, people who wanted to see him do more than just become a statistic. He wanted to give his father the same gift. Will could not give him time back, but he could help his father look forward to the time he had left.
Chapter Thirty-three
The Holy Spirit had convicted Jamal over the last four months. This was the first time Jamal had visited his father since the infamous Sunday barbeque brawl. If his father even allowed him to walk into the house, Jamal would consider it an accomplishment. He heard the squeak that came from his father’s recliner. Then he heard the sound of his father’s heavy feet pounding the hardwood floor until he got close enough to the door, where Jamal could hear his father breathe, until finally the door opened.
“What you want?” his father asked from the other side of the door.
“I’ll tell you this much, I ain’t interested in round two.”
“You gave me a sucker punch; we know how round two would turn out.” His father said as he opened the door.
Jamal’s father stepped aside to allow Jamal to enter the living room. The Chargers were playing, and since LA did not have a football team, San Diego was the next best thing. Jamal took a seat on the couch next to his recliner. They spent the next twenty minutes in silence. The only words that were spoken were frustrated grunts of Philip Rivers and his struggles to move the Chargers into the end zone.
“I hope you’re not here to make up, because I’ve already turned the other cheek,” his father finally said.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost control of my emotions, and you’re my father. I should have never put my hands on you.”
“Especially over some tramp who got your nose wide open.”
The same anger that was present at the barbeque had returned. That same anger that existed throughout Jamal’s childhood was now present.
“I d
idn’t hit you because of Chantel. It’s because so many men would kill to know who their fathers are, and I’ve got a father I’m not even proud of.”
His father sat up in his recliner and put the game on mute as he turned around. “Did I keep a roof over your head?”
“Yes.”
“Did I keep you in a warm house over the winter and a cool house in the summer?”
“Yes, you did.” Jamal nodded.
“You always had plenty to eat, and I mean real good, too. Steak, pork chops, and potatoes.” Otis sat for a minute to let his words sink into his son’s head. “I didn’t put no Payless shoes on your feet, either; you had Nike and Adidas and the best sports equipment. And you ain’t proud of me?”
“I’m not saying that I’m unappreciative of what you did, but I’m saying that it takes more to be a father than just providing stability. That’s part of it, but I learned it’s who you are when nobody is around that defines you.”
Now the TV was completely off, and his father’s bronze eyes were staring dead center at Jamal. “Well, since you’re the wise, know-it-all son, tell me, what makes a father?”
Jamal never thought that he and his father would get to this point in their relationship, where he could tell him how he felt and what he had learned over the years.
“You want to know when I was most proud of you as a father?” Jamal took his father’s silence as a sign for him to move on. “It was those last two weeks before Mom died. It was not the women you ran out on her with. Don’t get me wrong, you had some dime pieces on the side, but for those two weeks you treated Mom like she was the last woman alive.” The memories of his mother dying of ovarian cancer were still hard to shake even after all of these years.
“You treated her like your life would end just as soon as her life would end. You fought with the doctors to make sure that Mom’s life mattered, and that was the man I wanted to grow up to be like. How you are in the storm is how I want to be twenty-four seven. In the storm you’re a man of integrity, of courage, and you’re willing to fight for those you love. I don’t know why that man is not good enough for you the rest of the time.”
“It’s because I had no one to show me how to sustain it,” his father replied. “I stood by your mother those two weeks because I wanted her to forgive me. I didn’t want her whole marriage to be a joke.”
Jamal could never understand why death brought the best out of some and the worst out of others. “How could you love my mother and cheat on her?”
“I mean, we lived in a different time. Lots of guys cheated. That was just something we did. We didn’t see it as a big thing,” Otis put his head down, and then, moments later, he lifted it up. “I’ll tell you this much, seeing the man you’ve become and seeing that I did not have any hand in it, at least, not a positive hand, that drives me crazy.”
This entire time Jamal thought that his dad viewed the way he lived as a sissy. Jealousy was not what Jamal expected to be the reason for his father’s harsh actions.
“Dad, do you remember what you told me when I first entered junior high school?”
Jamal allowed his father to search his faded memory bank for the answer.
“Son, honestly, I said a lot of things back when you were in school.”
“You told me that if I ever got into a fight, I better not come home unless I’ve won, because if I lost, then I would have a second beating when I got home.”
Otis nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I remember that because that was the way my grandfather raised me. That makes you a man.”
“That’s what makes me self-conscious of what people think. To do something because you’re afraid of what someone might say or do is not a passage into manhood, but a passage into slavery.”
“You may not be proud of me and I deserve it. I am proud of you, even if I don’t say it.”
Jamal achieved showing his father that Jamal’s way was not the way of the weak, but the way of the strong. “Dad, I want us to go to church together.”
His father started to shake his head. “Oh no, I don’t go in God’s house and He doesn’t come into mine.”
“That needs to change, because the only way you’re going to get the peace you need is from Him.” Jamal pointed up at the ceiling.
It was as if his father had placed a huge “S” on his chest and sent him out to save the world. Only Jamal needed to go save his family.
Jamir slept soundly as Jamal and Chantel hovered over him. One day he would be strong enough to understand all of the drama surrounding his entrance into the world. Jamal hoped that Jamir would be strong enough to understand that, despite the fact that his parents were children pretending to be adults, he had been conceived out of love, and his life represented a changed life for all parties involved. He was their caveat into adulthood, but not all of them had made it. Jamal followed Chantel out of Jamir’s room as he closed the door. Chantel took a seat on the couch, and Jamal sat Indian style right in front of her.
“Can I ask you something?” Jamal waited until he had Chantel’s complete attention. “How often have you thought about the night that Clay died?”
“At least a million times,” Chantel said.
“I’ve tried to replay the scene over and over in my head and figure out which version would bring the right results. But in the end, I can’t live with the best scenario because that leaves me without you.”
Chantel looked up with her eyes full of life.
“I’ve loved you since high school,” Jamal said.
Chantel rubbed the side of her face in disbelief. Jamal noticed something different when he told Chantel that he loved her. He did not feel guilty, but it felt natural, as if he was where he was meant to be all along.
“How come you never said anything?” Chantel asked him.
“Because part of me felt like I was betraying Clay.”
Chantel wrapped her arms around Jamal’s neck. “I want us to at least give it a try.”
“Yeah, let’s give it a try. At least for him.” Jamal looked toward Jamir’s bedroom. “You know we’re going to have to tell him the truth when he gets older,” Jamal said.
“We’ll do it together,” Chantel stated. “Now that we have that settled, I guess I could reap the benefits of that promotion, because if Clay has taught you anything, it’s that I’m high maintenance.”
The extra money from the promotion had finally allowed Jamal to get some peace between him and his bills. He still managed to see Jamir, though not as often as he’d have liked. Jamal realized that he did not have to sacrifice his career for the sake of family. He just had to keep things in their proper perspective. His boss did not like that Jamal was not a weekend warrior like some of his other coworkers, but he could not deny that Jamal brought excellent results from his work. If he’d learned anything from Quincy’s situation it was that family had to come first in a person’s life.
“Oh, I know,” Jamal replied.
The last piece in Jamal’s puzzle was completed. He had the only woman he ever wanted, and he had a chance to still be a father in Jamir’s life.
“I know Somalian children who eat more than you do,” Quincy hissed at his daughter, Sasha, as she swallowed up her father’s sarcasm with a big wide smile. They decided to sit outside of a local Italian restaurant and enjoy a hot lunch.
“What? I’m not hungry!” Sasha said sheepishly.
Her reddish-brown skin was passed down from her mother. The beauty of Karen had been transferred to their one and only offspring. “So how are things at UC Santa Barbara?” Quincy took a bite of his fettuccine alfredo.
“You were right; going to a college near a beach is too distracting. But I did okay this semester.”
Sasha was in her sophomore year of college. She’d decided, against her father’s better judgment, to major in medieval literature. In 2009, Quincy did not know what people did with comparative lit degrees, but he did know that they did not get paid.
“How’s your mother?”
How that statement penetrated Quincy’s wall was a mystery to him. He did not spend too much time thinking about Karen, but when his thoughts were centered on her, he noticed that his resentment started to decrease more and more.
“How are you, seriously, Sasha?”
“About as well as any child could be who lived through her parents getting a divorce. The only difference is that I do not feel like it’s my fault. I just feel like I’ve been the only grownup in the situation.”
“You got me there. I could’ve handled the situation better, but what can you do? Emotions run high. I’m only human.”
Sasha leaned back and crossed her arms as she stared at her father. “I remember when I did not used to believe that. I used to think you were invincible. I never saw you get hurt. I never even saw you get so much as a cold. I still believe you are my hero, Dad. I just wonder where he is.”
“He’s gone, sweetie. He was my alter ego.” Quincy took a sip of his water. “You’re going to have to settle for the real me.”
One of the reasons Quincy gave up going to the movies was because there was a lack of originality in the films. Everyone seemed busy remaking older movies. That became even more apparent as he surveyed the New Releases section of Max’s Video store. Being an action buff, he started to get discouraged, until he shot a glance over to the comedy section only to find a familiar face.
A slimmer Karen examined the back of a DVD. She wore a hot pink butterfly-collared shirt with a gray undershirt. Quincy had every intention of walking over to her, but first he wanted to admire her silhouette from afar.
Six months had passed since the Retreat, and four months since the last time he’d seen Karen. It was amazing how lost two people could become in one city. He approached her gingerly, not knowing if she was going to embrace him or slug him.
“Hey, you!” Quincy called out.
Karen turned with a pleasant smile as if he was the one who’d undergone a physical change over the past six months. He had developed a beer belly from massive alcohol consumption.