by L. A. Kelley
“I am.”
“Is there an objection to the application?”
The Odin rolled his eyes as the Baal cleared his throat. “The human and E.L.F. commenced an unapproved relationship without regard to Integral law. In accordance with the statutes, the romance must immediately cease.”
“With respect,” Brian jumped in. “The wardens enacted the Lover’s Edict to protect both human and Integrals from involuntary unions hazardous to Integral existence. My son acted prematurely, but my wife and I have no objection to his romantic involvement with Rosalie Thatcher. On the contrary, Rosalie proved to be a human of courage and fortitude. We whole-heartedly accept her.”
The crowd murmured approval. Rosalie even noted the softening expressions of the other wardens. The only one who didn’t look pleased was the Baal.
“As the family offers no objection,” continued Stephen, “we will proceed under the dictates of the Lover’s Edict. Is the cupid present?” Natalie Jankowski approached the table. Instead of a business suit she wore a floaty silk robe decorated in feathers and sparkling gems. She might have appeared comically silly except for the serviceable long bow and quiver of razor-sharp arrows strapped to her back. “Is the preliminary report completed?”
The cupid bowed. “Yes, your honors.” She unrolled a scroll tucked under her arm, cleared her throat, and read. “Rosalie Thatcher commenced a romantic relationship with David Kloss in November of this year without regard to the dictates of the Lover’s Edict. Although she possesses an active libido, they have not yet had coitus.”
Rosalie’s blush matched her crimson bustier nicely. A hushed whisper rippled through the gallery. Oh geez, she groaned inwardly, no wonder the seats are packed.
“While not possessing an extensive romantic history,” noted Ms. Jankowski. “Ms. Thatcher ended a sexual relationship last December with a human male.”
“Excuse me,” Rosalie sputtered, mortified. “I hardly see where that is anyone’s business.”
“Did Rosalie Thatcher tell the human male she loved him?” interrupted the Baal.
“She did,” the cupid asserted.
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Rosalie glowered at him. “The relationship with Austin is over and has nothing to do with David and me.”
“On the contrary,” Dominic argued, the flames in the crown dancing around his head, “the relationship ended even after physical intimacy and a profession of love. How do we know the same won’t happen here?” He motioned around the room. “What kind of assurance do we have the secret of this place…of our people…will remain safe if Rosalie Thatcher and David Kloss go their separate ways? She has already seen much. Why should she be trusted?”
David stormed up to the table. “Rosalie’s past means nothing. I trust her. She’s not the only one who had sex before, you know.” He glanced at Rosalie and flushed with embarrassment.
“The E.L.F. speaks the truth,” noted Natalie pleasantly. “If the wardens desire, I’ll provide exact details of both Ms. Thatcher and the E.L.F’s sexual exploits including dates, duration, and preferred methods of—”
“That won’t be necessary,” the Odin said hurriedly much to the disappointment of the gallery.
“Look,” Rosalie stammered. “I admit I had a serious boyfriend once before. I told Austin I loved him, but even after only knowing David a short time, my feelings run much deeper. I’m glad the relationship with Austin ended. He wasn’t right for me and, by the way…” She drew herself up. “I was really hurt and angry, but didn’t slash his tires or anything. I didn’t need or want revenge. I only wanted to move on. If David and I broke up…” She swallowed hard. Even the thought pained her. “It would be awful. It would break my heart but, I’d never do anything to hurt him or any of you.”
The Baal shot her a dismissively look. “Your word hardly insures—”
“Excuse me,” Rosalie thundered, much to the shock of the Baal and the amusement of the audience. “I’m not finished yet. What I’m trying to say is I thought what I felt for Austin was love. I was wrong. What I have for David is a thousand times stronger; true, deep, real, and never-ending.” She glanced at the E.L.F. and a joyous sensation flooded through her. “The happiest moment of my life was when David said he loved me. Whatever you want me to do I’ll do. I’ll climb mountains, swim seas…hell, I’ll even go back to high school and retake algebra. Anything to keep us together.”
To Rosalie’s astonishment, Ms. Jankowski voiced her support. “Ms. Thatcher is correct in her determination. Her feelings run very deep. Although, as you know, true love isn’t binding until the first sexual encounter, Ms. Thatcher and the E.L.F. appear to have already forged a cohesive attachment.”
David grabbed Rosalie’s hand. “If that’s another way of saying I love her, too, than I have no argument. I love Rosalie Thatcher!” he shouted. “And no Lover’s Edict will prevent me from letting everyone know. So tell us what to do to get on with our lives.”
The audience cheered and the Odin banged on the table for quiet. “In that case,” he said unsuccessfully hiding a smile. “I see no reason why we shouldn’t proceed. Rosalie Thatcher and E.L.F. David, do you agree to abide by the Lover’s Edict until the wardens are satisfied no threat to Integral existence comes from this union?”
“We do,” they chorused.
“Are there any other objections?” All eyes turned toward the Baal.
“I have no objection,” he answered smoothly. “If there is appropriate monitoring.” David’s grip tensed. Rosalie shot him a puzzle glance, but he scowled at the Baal and didn’t notice.
The Odin turned to the cupid. “Ms. Jankowski, will you serve as liaison to the wardens and monitor the relationship between the E.L.F. and human?”
The cupid bowed. “It would be my honor.” She grasped Rosalie’s other hand and shook heartily. “I’m so pleased to work with you.”
“I’ll explain later,” David muttered out the side of his mouth.
“It is done,” the Odin said. “The wardens look forward to reading your reports.” Someone across the room snickered and the Odin shot the gallery a dirty look.
What is done? Rosalie wondered. Before she could ask David, the Odin roared, “Meeting adjourned.”
The spectators in the gallery applauded and rushed down to congratulate Rosalie and David. Integrals crowded around to shake her hand. Billy grabbed both David and Rosalie in a crushing bear hug. “You’re too good for him, Rosalie,” he teased. “Any time you get bored with a mere E.L.F., come down to the kennel and the hounds will show you a real good time.” He slapped David on the back with a wicked grin. “So about these other sexual liaisons…”
Red-faced, David grabbed her elbow and ushered her away. “Thanks for coming, Billy, but Rosalie and I have to go.”
Rosalie jabbed the E.L.F. playfully in the side. “She was a dryad, wasn’t she?”
David plastered on an innocent expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, Ms. Thatcher!” Natalie Jankowski tottered after them. “A word?”
“Oh, God, what now?” she muttered. David was suspiciously quiet. She stared at him. “What is it?”
“There’s something you should know.”
Before David could explain, the cupid shouldered her way through the crowd. “I haven’t been assigned monitoring duty for quite a while and confidentially,” she whispered, “I’m looking forward to Florida for the winter. I do so hate snow. What do they call those people who migrate south…snowbirds?” She fluttered her feathery robe with delight. “Look, I’m practically dressed for the part. Don’t you worry about a thing, Ms. Thatcher. I’m sure you won’t even notice me popping in.”
“Popping in?” Rosalie didn’t like the sound of that.
“Routine, just routine,” she floated off, calling over her shoulder. “Snowbird…I love that term.”
“Oh dear,” murmured Grace. “The monitor had to be a cupid.”
“David,” Rosalie said, �
�what was she talking about? What’s popping in?”
“Let’s go back to our place,” said Brian with a wry face. “Dealing with cupids always makes me crave a stiff drink.”
They dashed-away back to the apartment. “The Lover’s Edict…” David sighed, as he and Rosalie settled on the couch. “Is a pain in the ass. Indoctrination into Integral life involves learning about customs and traditions, so you make an informed choice about becoming part of our culture.”
“That doesn’t sound bad,” Rosalie remarked. “I want to learn more.”
“We hoped to do the lessons ourselves,” said Grace. “Most families do, but instead Ms. Jankowski was assigned. Cupids take their work seriously—a little too seriously. They hover.”
Dawning comprehension spread across Rosalie’s face. “What you’re saying is I’ll be seeing more of her, hence the remark about Florida in the winter. This won’t take months, will it?”
“Lessons are as detailed as the cupid feels necessary,” Brian explained, “but Part Two is the real kicker. You’ll love this one.”
David sat up. “You can’t be serious. They want to enforce monitoring?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he sputtered. “It’s archaic. No other couple has to go through this.”
“Through what?” Rosalie asked.
“The cupid was serious about popping in,” said Brian. “Monitoring involves unannounced spot-checks to make sure you and David display exemplary behavior. Since cupids also teleport, expect Ms. Jankowski at any time or any place and without any warning.”
“And just what,” she eyed him suspiciously, “denotes exemplary behavior?”
“Unfortunately, that part of the Edict is up to the monitor. Expect rules. Lots of them. Cupids love rules.”
“Oh, great,” Rosalie fumed. “How am I supposed to explain away a cupid popping in and out of Penrose’s and dogging my steps?”
Grace brightened. “Actually, employment gives you one advantage. She has to use a certain amount of discretion. She’s an Integral, after all, and can’t announce her existence to the world.”
“Can’t we lock her in a closet and make all of this go away?” David grumbled.
“Not if you and Rosalie want a future.”
“I do. Even more than I want Dominic’s head on a skewer.”
“Aw.” Rosalie reached over and patted him on the arm. “You’re so sweet.”
David stood up. “We’ll change clothes and I’ll take you back to Florida before Ms. Jankowski decides you need an escort home, too.”
Rosalie carefully folded the clothing back in the trunk. She placed the dagger on top with an affectionate pat. “Thanks, Selka. You were a helluva gal.” A ripple ran through the materials as the outfits shifted back to their original sizes.
David waited for her in the living room corner, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. He eyed her with a grin. “I kind of miss the leather and velvet.”
“I do, too. I hope today is not the last time I get to wear it.” David’s look told her he agreed.
Rosalie said goodbye to Brian and Grace. In a flash, she and the E.L.F. reappeared in her apartment. Grace’s chili still simmered on the stove. “I’m starving,” Rosalie announced. “Can you stay for supper?”
Poof.
“I’m afraid curfew is passed.” Natalie Jankowski stepped out of a bright pink cloud. The feathers were gone. She wore the business suit and carried her tablet computer.
“What are you doing here?” David bristled.
The cupid looked surprised. “You stood in the wardens’ chamber, E.L.F. Surely, you understood I am Ms. Thatcher’s monitor.”
“Yes, but,” he sputtered, “I didn’t expect you to start tonight.”
“I take my duties very seriously, young man,” she informed him brusquely, “as should you and Ms. Thatcher. You both agreed to follow the Lover’s Edict as laid out in the Treaty of—
David’s face grew progressively redder. Rosalie decided to jump in before Ms. Jankowski’s head ended up on a pike. “We were sitting down to dinner. You can’t have any objection to sharing an innocent meal.”
She sniffed the air. “For one thing, the fe tre sood is too spicy. Subsection 12 clearly states comestibles that promote excessive sweating are discouraged, and as I stated earlier, curfew is passed. Rule Number One is the Integral may not unnecessarily impose him or herself on the human in question.”
“I don’t feel imposed,” Rosalie said.
“As monitor, that’s my decision,” warbled the cupid. “I’m here to protect your interests and make sure you have time to reflect on the relationship and don’t feel undue pressure to return the E.L.F.’s advances.”
“I want to return his advances,” she sputtered.
The cupid ignored her and consulted the tablet. “I’ve determined 6 p.m. is a reasonable cut-off time, allowing Ms. Thatcher a sufficient period of repose before the start of the next workday. You may say goodnight.”
“It’s okay,” Rosalie assured David as he glared at Ms. Jankowski. “We agreed to follow the rules, and we will.”
“May I at least kiss her?” the E.L.F. growled.
Ms. Jankowski beamed. “I don’t see why not.” The cupid pulled out a stopwatch. “At the early stage of the relationship, the Lover’s Edict clearly states affectionate responses are allowed, but restricted so as not to intimidate the human.”
“I’m not intimi—”
“I believe eighteen seconds will suffice.” She clicked the button. “Begin.”
The kiss wasn’t the most passionate one Rosalie ever received as David glowered at the cupid and puckered at the same time. Ms. Jankowski cheerfully counted down. After they both teleported away, Rosalie collapsed on the couch thankful David wasn’t an odin or she would have spent the rest of the evening sweeping cupid ashes off the floor.
Ms. Jankowski did, indeed, take her duties very seriously. Every time Rosalie turned around, the cupid stood there, tablet in hand, hastily scribbling notes. She determined Ms. Jankowski would make a crackerjack Sneaky Shopper. Rosalie started to twitch uncontrollably every time the air conditioning kicked in and a puff of air hit the back of her neck.
Although the cupid kept her teleporting discreet, the staff displayed natural curiosity about the new employee who hovered by Rosalie. Ross especially. “You sure she isn’t a Sneaky Shopper?”
“Trust me, Marissa booted every one of those parasites out the door.” Rosalie had a story ready. “Ms. Jankowski is a consultant.”
He scratched his head. “Why does she follow you around with that tablet?”
“Oh, you know,” she gave a nervous laugh, “I’m new to management. She observes, takes notes, and offers suggestions on management thingies.”
“Thingies?”
“I haven’t been in management long enough to know all the official terms.” She patted Ross on the arm. “Don’t pay her any mind. I barely realize she’s here.”
At night she stole a few precious moments with David. He always popped in unannounced since they soon discovered Ms. Jankowski monitored their phone calls and text messages, too. If they were lucky, they managed five minutes alone before she arrived. Rosalie spent the rest of the evening sitting stiffly on the sofa mouthing pleasantries. David glared at Ms. Jankowski. The cupid, oblivious to the hostility, scribbled away on her tablet.
Keeping her temper in check tested Rosalie, especially when she woke up in the middle of the night terrified to find an intruder looming over her bed.
Ms. Jankowski flicked the light kedw emploon. “Just checking.” She peeked under the blanket, nodded in satisfaction, and then disappeared.
“It’s all for David,” Rosalie repeated over and over as she willed her hammering heartbeat back into sinus rhythm. She finally lost control one morning when stepping out of the shower. Ms. Jankowski calmly waited for her on the toilet.
Rosalie let out a yeep! and snatched up a towel. “What the hell are
you doing in my bathroom?”
The cupid blinked in surprise. “Illicit romantic encounters often commence during a period when clothing is, of necessity, discarded. In my last report to the wardens I related no evidence of the E.L.F. found in your bedroom. However, other opportunities exist for him to surprise you unveiled, as it were. I’m very thorough,” she added with a sniff before disappearing.
Marissa was no help. She tried to stay serious, but ending up snorting out a laugh, much to Rosalie’s distress. “It’s not funny.”
“I know.” Marissa gasped for air. “I’m sorry…really. Just the vision…a cupid…in a business suit…with a tablet…on a toilet.” She grabbed a tissue from the desk and wiped her eyes. “Damn, I love coming to work now.”
“What am I going to do?” wailed Rosalie.
“What does David say?”
“You mean in the five minutes of privacy we get each night?” Rosalie grumbled. “The last time I told him about one of my close encounters, he turned purple, spent the next five minutes ranting about killing the Baal…then the cupid…then resurrecting the Baal and killing him again.”
Marissa stopped laughing. “Can he do that?”
“I’m pretty sure it was just talk. He’s under more pressure than I am. He thinks he found a way to use The Book to locate Anthony, but the wardens won’t let him.”
“Why not?”
“He wants to use The Book to track down Integrals not accused of any wrongdoing. It’s against the rules so David needs them all to agree to the plan and more than one of the wardens is leery of change.” Her voice hardened. “Finding Anthony is more important than us. David thinks the more conservative Integrals are using our little romantic dilemma as a distraction. They don’t seem to realize the amount of damage Anthony can do, or maybe they realize and hope if they shut their eyes and concentrate elsewhere, the rest will go away.”
Marissa’s phone rang. She picked up the receiver and her face lit up. “Well, hello. How are you?” Rosalie stood up to leave, but Marissa waved her back down. She watched her friend’s expression change from pleased to apprehensive.