Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  We are the last to get to the barn again. Kimber is there handing out lunches. When Joe steps down from Link she walks up and tries to give him a lunch. She has jeans and a yellow tank top on. The yellow against her pale skin accentuates its glow. I climb down and move my gaze from her thinking about Susan and the conversation I just had with her father.

  Joe spits to the side and teases, “Hey girl, if your sister won’t give me the time of day, maybe I’m looking in the wrong place.” At the end of his sentence, he hands the reigns for Link to me and scoops her up and over his shoulder. She starts screaming and laughing, “Joe Story, you put me down right this minute.”

  He laughs, plopping her down on a bale of hay a few feet away. Then he comes over and grabs the reigns for Link and Gypsy from me. I protest, “Hey Joe, I can get the horses.”

  He shakes his head heading into the barn,” No Jordan, you go get some lunch, I got ‘em.”

  Kimber calls after him as she stands up to brush the hay from her jeans, “You’ll have no chance with Jenna if you do that again!” Then she turns to look at me. A shy smile creeps across her lips so she looks away and walks toward the wagon. I take a step forward but she turns before I can go any farther. She grabs a lunch and spins around to hand it to me explaining, “Jordan, I’m sorry about yesterday.”

  I take the lunch and ask her, “What are you sorry about?”

  She seems to stall and frowns for a minute before answering, “Nothing, I guess, I’m sorry for Heidi.” Her cheeks start to turn pink and the look on her face deepens. I know what she’s talking about but I can’t acknowledge anything with her. If I keep my distance she won’t get hurt because I have nothing to give. I look away, not making any recognition of her statement.

  She shifts on her feet for a minute before stomping back toward the wagon. As she stalks back toward the house I watch her body move lithely through the grass and have the urge to run after her to apologize for my rudeness but I stay where I am. It’s best for both of us.

  Joe comes up behind me a minute later and claps me on the shoulder. He tells me quietly, “Jordan, I don’t know what your story is but I do know that look. I’ve been lookin’ at her sister like that for years. She won’t return my feelings. But why when two people who are obviously attracted to each other, don’t act on it, is beyond me.”

  I glance down to the ground without acknowledging his observation. He strolls away toward the other men. Suddenly being in a town where no one knows anything about me is getting complicated.

  Chapter Twenty

  Kimber

  After I came home from my non-date with Andrew, I felt terrible for hurting his feelings and even worse, I was upset that I gave Jordan the wrong impression that Andrew means something to me. I’m sure he thought we were dating. The more I sit and think about the whole thing, the more my mind is made up to make a move toward Jordan. Just thinking about him does something to my insides.

  Momma was difficult as usual. I had all day Sunday off, intending to get caught up on some sleep and fitting in some playing. It’s been a while since I’ve had a moment to work on songs or just play without any interruptions. But Momma had other plans. She had a lot of problems walking which caused her to yell for me. Of course, I was right there just as she fell again. But I noticed on her night table another half empty bottle and knew she didn’t fall from the disease.

  I coaxed her back into bed and asked as sweetly as I could, “Momma, where’d you get that bottle?”

  She waved her hand around and answered without her wits about her, “Your sister of course, it’s the least she could do since she don’t show her face ‘round here.”

  My blood boils and I march out of the room. She calls out behind me, “Don’t give her a hard time. She jus’ wants was’ best for her Momma.” Her speech slurs the more she speaks and my shoulders clench with each word she utters.

  When I get to my room I look around and hate everything about it suddenly. The peeling pale blue walls that I helped Momma paint when we moved here, the dirty brown carpet underfoot and my white outdated furniture that really isn’t white anymore, more of a yellowed with age color.

  I crash into my bed and grab for my phone, hitting Jenna’s name. She picks up on the first ring, “Hey sis, how’s it going?”

  “Not so good Jenna. Momma fell today and it wasn’t from the MS.”

  Silence spreads on the other end, then her voice changes from cheery to reserved, “I guess she told you then huh.”

  “Jenna, I just poured a bottle out the day before yesterday. Why are you enabling her?”

  Before she can respond, I continue on my rant, “Actually is that your MO? You come in here, buy Momma a bottle to make peace with her and figure ‘oh yeah, Kimber will pick up the pieces, she always does’?”

  She becomes defensive, “I wasn’t comin’ back after the other day. She kicked me out and told me she never wanted to see me again. Then yesterday she called and said she was sorry for saying the things she said.”

  I finish for her, “And she asked you to bring a bottle and now you’re good with her again.”

  She doesn’t respond.

  “Jenna, this is not fair. Don’t you see that the more she drinks, the worse she gets? Is that what you want, her to die because she’s a drunk?”

  Her voice turns angry, “Kimber, she’s dyin,’ you know that. It’s happening slowly and she hates it. I know you can see that. The alcohol lets her stay numb to it. I get it and if that is what will help her deal with her fate, I’m all for it.”

  I mutter, “As long as you aren’t around to see it.”

  Then with finality I tell her, “I don’t know why you’re still hanging around but while you’re here don’t come and see Momma. As much as you think it helps, it doesn’t. You aren’t here to pick her up when she falls or clean up her vomit when she drinks too much. Just stay away Jenna.”

  I hit the end button before she can argue with me anymore and collapse back onto my bed. I roll over onto my side and let the tears that are just brimming on the surface pour out onto my pillow, for my momma who is slowly dying and for my sorry existence in this godforsaken place. Times like now I wish I were more like Jenna, not caring, selfish and able to leave.

  ***

  Monday brings with it a renewed view of what I decided yesterday. I know I’ll see Jordan at the ranch today and I’m going to feel him out to see if he’s interested. It scares the shit out of me but it feels right. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone before, not even Andrew.

  Speaking of Andrew, I get the cold shoulder all through class this morning from him. He doesn’t glance my way or even acknowledge me when I try to answer a question he’s posed to the class.

  I gave Heidi the silent treatment in writing. She tried to talk to me but I held my ground. She knows I won’t hold a grudge longer than the duration of the class but I had to prove a point. She pushed it too far on Saturday. On our way out of class she catches up and walks alongside of me for a few minutes, before muttering, “Sorry Kimber.”

  I stop and turn to face her with a big smile, “I forgive you.”

  She smacks her gum and admits, “You know he really does like you. Jordan I mean. I could see it. Especially when you walked out with Andrew, I thought he was going to go after you.”

  I tilt my head and glare. She corrects, “Okay, I wouldn’t take it as far as him running after you but I know I saw something there.”

  I tell her, “I told Andrew that it isn’t going to work.”

  “I know.”

  “What? How do you know?”

  “After you left lover boy wasn’t much company. I tried to talk to him but it was kinda one sided. I left and went down the road. By the time I got there Andrew was sittin’ at the bar drowning his sorrows.”

  I feel bad instantly at her words knowing I caused Andrew any pain.

  She puts her hand on my arm and admonishes; “Now I know that look. Don’t you dare feel bad. A few minutes after
I got there, Dana was makin’ him feel a whole lot better. You’re better off even if this thing with Jordan doesn’t work out.”

  I glower at her, “Where exactly is down the road? Did you go to the Duck?”

  She squirms and starts walking toward the doors to the parking lot. I call out to her, “Heidi DeLarue you went to the Duck and I wasn’t there? What the hell? I thought you hated that place.”

  She spins around and nonchalantly tells me, “Okay, the place is growing on me. So sue me.”

  I grin and walk right past her. She rushes to catch up suggesting, “You should let Jordan know how you feel today.” I don’t acknowledge her. Little does she know, that is exactly what I plan on doing. What do I have to lose at this point?

  When I get to the ranch, my nervous energy doesn’t go unnoticed. Mrs. Bruin asks after I can’t stay in one spot, “Kimber, is everything alright? Is your mom doing okay?”

  The first thing that pops into my head is the Jenna thing but that is definitely not something I can share with Mrs. Bruin. She already knows Momma isn’t going to win any mother of the year awards. I can’t let her know about the drinking, that will only make what she thinks of her, worse.

  Instead I request, “I was wondering if I can take the lunches out today?”

  She smiles, “Sure, that’s not a problem. Maybe we should get started on something special for them. What do you think we should make today?”

  “How about oatmeal raisin cookies? Yours are my favorite.”

  We set to making the cookies and the lunches. Before I know it I am pulling the wagon across the property to the barn. When I get out there, I notice all of the men except Jordan and Joe. So I concentrate on handing out the rest of the lunches. When I turn around after finishing up they are riding up on horses.

  Joe gets off of his horse first and hands the reigns to Jordan. Then he exclaims, “Hey girl, if your sister won’t give me the time of day, maybe I’m looking in the wrong place.”

  Then he lifts me like I’m a feather over his shoulder. I yell at him to put me down. I don’t know what has come over him and this is so not the way I wanted this to go.

  He laughs the whole way to a bale of hay where he sets me down and turns away to get the horses from Jordan. I yell to Joe, “You’ll have no chance with Jenna if you do that again!”

  When he walks away I stand up and concentrate on picking all of the hay off of my jeans. But really I’m bracing my nerves for what I’m about to do. Finally, I take a deep breath and grab a lunch. When I turn to hand it to Jordan he has taken a step closer. My heart speeds up at his nearness. When he takes the lunch from me I tell him, “Jordan, I’m sorry about yesterday.”

  His brows knit and he stares over my shoulder not meeting my eyes and asks, “What are you sorry about?”

  I stand there unable to speak for a minute. I wasn’t expecting this reaction. My voice comes out strained, “Nothing, I guess. I’m sorry for Heidi.”

  I wait as the silence spreads and I know my cheeks are darkening giving me away.

  He glances at me as if I’m a nuisance and walks toward the men on the other side of the barn.

  I am completely irritated spinning toward the house. The least he could have done was acknowledge that I was trying to have a conversation with him. This is a completely different person from the one at the bar and motel the other day. I stride back to the house as my fury at Jordan Rhodes grows.

  Chapter Twenty One

  Jordan

  When it’s time to go today, I’m more than ready. Before I leave I seek out Mike and ask, “Hey, I was wondering if there is a good place to get a drink around here?”

  “Sure, the Duck is the big place around here.” Exactly as I thought, unfortunately, after my display with Kimber today, the Duck is the last place I want to go.

  I mumble, “Are there any others you would recommend?”

  “Well, there’s Mary’s, but she only serves beer. If you want somthin’ stronger you gotta go to the Duck. That or get a bottle and take it back home with you.”

  “Thanks, see you tomorrow.” I walk toward my car.

  “Sounds good, and Jordan,” I turn back around, “You’re doin’ a great job, ‘specially for a city boy.”

  I smirk and salute him heading to my car. I go straight to the motel and contemplate Mike’s suggestion of the bottle idea but decide to chance the Duck. Maybe Kimber has Monday nights off, I reason.

  When I enter, my eyes betray me and go straight to the bar. The same tall skinny guy from the other night is behind the counter alone. I take a deep breath and find a stool at the corner. The bartender comes up and asks, “What can I get ya?”

  “How about a beer for now, anything on tap is fine.”

  He nods eyeing me for a minute but then turns to pour the mug of beer. I glance around to find it pretty busy for a Monday night. Half of the tables are full and the bar is just about full. A woman with short black hair and tattoos all over her arms sits to my right. The bartender swings over to her after he places my beer down. She climbs halfway over the edge and plants a kiss on him. I look away embarrassed for the guy but a familiar ache forms in the pit of my stomach remembering how things were with Susan.

  The bartender backs up and glances over, looking past me. He spins back to the girl in front of him and whispers, “Jenna, she’s here, you might want to make yourself scarce.”

  She waves him away as she takes another sip of her beer while holding up her hand and crossing her fingers, “Derek, she’s my sister, thick as thieves.”

  He shakes his head and walks to the other end of the narrow space. I look away, content to wallow in self-pity for the moment. Mr. Weller’s voice keeps playing through my head, “I just wanted to have that talk with you, son. It can wait though.”

  What does he want to talk to me about? The day he wanted to talk I couldn’t bear it. She was suddenly gone and I thought he wanted to talk about how we both failed her, which I already know. Maybe he just wanted to acknowledge to me that she did have a problem but if that is the case it’s too late now and not a conversation I want to have.

  An angry voice brings me out of my thoughts, “Jenna, Why would you show your face here? You know I’m pissed at you.”

  I look up to the sound, as much as I don’t want to admit it, she sounds like an angel every time I hear her. She’s fuming and glaring at the woman beside me, who doesn’t seem too concerned. I look back to Kimber, her cutoffs end at the top of her thighs and her black tank top is tight, fitting her small curves perfectly.

  She glances over at me and scowls exclaiming, “And you, why are you here especially after the last time you were here?”

  I’m shocked at what just came out of her mouth but I’m also amused at her little temper. She’s momentarily taken me out of my pity party and I’m thankful.

  The girl beside me leans over and grasps my hand, smiling, “Well nice to meet you. Welcome to the world of Kimber hate. Glad to have you join me.” Her speech is slightly slurred.

  Kimber huffs and turns to talk to a girl at the service bar. The other bartender strolls down glancing back at Kimber and leans in between the girl and myself. He looks at me and chuckles, “Hey, I’m Derek. I thought I recognized you. You’re the dude that was here the other night that Kimber helped home, right? What’d you do? She doesn’t rage like that at just anyone.”

  Before I can answer the girl beside me squirms in her seat making her jean skirt rise higher on her thighs and she comes closer declaring, “Wait, my sister went home with you?”

  I back away as much as the stool will allow. Sister. I glance back down the bar at Kimber. I meet her stare and I can see something other than the anger, sorrow. I turn back to her sister, putting my hands up in surrender.

  “Yes, Kimber helped me back to my motel but nothing happened. I swear.”

  The girl glowers at me and calls out to Kimber, “Hey, you’re all pissed at me but you’re goin’ home with strange men. What the hell Kimber?�
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  Kimber rushes down the bar and shushes her sister angrily, “Dammit Jenna. I work here remember. If you get me fired because of your big mouth I won’t be able to support Momma and me. God knows you’re not helping any.”

  Jenna shakes her head mumbling, “You aren’t gonna let this go are you?”

  She hisses back, “No, so just stay away.”

  Before anymore is said, Derek comes up behind Kimber, placing his hands on her shoulders and squeezing. Her eyes avert to me almost with a questioning look.

  I stare at her unable to move my gaze. What is this girl doing to me? She moves away when a waitress down at the service bar calls to her. Derek comes over to Jenna and asks, “Do you want me to take you home now?”

  She nods and then looks over to me as Derek walks away. She holds out her hand waiting. I glance at it for a few seconds before grasping it. She whispers, “Hello, I’m Jenna, Kimber’s sister.”

  “Hello Jenna, I’m Jordan Rhodes.”

  “Well nice to meet you Jordan. Don’t you dare hurt my sister. She’s already had too much heartache in her life.”

  I’m surprised at her candidness but I shouldn’t be at this point. It seems to be a common trait among the people here.

  “I won’t.” Is all I can utter. When my glance meets Kimber’s again, a sweet smile spreads across her face and I wonder what is going through that feisty little head of her’s. As much as I want to stay away from her, I’m finding it harder and harder to do.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Kimber

  I’m surprised to find Jordan at the bar when I get there tonight. Even more surprised as I make my way behind the counter to find my sister sitting right next to him. As soon as I see them all the anger from the past two days surfaces and I let loose. Jenna has been obviously drinking for a while so I don’t bother with her after she loudly embarrasses me. A look passes over Jordan’s features when he hears that Jenna is my sister. It’s amusing, a nice change from his indifference earlier today. He looks across the bar and meets my stare. I can’t help but smile at him. He is just so delicious I want to…I look away not finishing that thought. What the hell is wrong with me?