Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  Once Derek leaves to take Jenna home I’m alone with a full bar so the fact that Jordan is sitting only a few feet away, slips my mind a couple of times. But then I look up aware of someone’s eyes boring into me and meet his gaze and remember that he’s here. Each time I look back over at him, he turns away pretending that something else has called his attention. A part of me wants to try to talk to him again but my fear of rejection holds me back. Each time his mug is empty I grab it without meeting his eyes and set it back down in front of him, avoiding any kind of confrontation. He thanks me quietly but that’s as far as it goes.

  When Derek comes back I give him a death glare. He shakes his head walking over to me with his arms splayed as if to question me.

  I start in on him once everyone has been served, “Derek, I can’t believe you.”

  “What Kimber? It slipped that you took him home. She won’t do anything anyway. She’s more upset that you’re so angry at her.”

  Frowning, I tell him, “I don’t care that you told her about Jordan. I’m a big girl; I can take care of myself. I’m upset that you didn’t keep her away from Momma like you said you would. Did she tell you what she did?”

  My voice becomes a whisper while I step closer, “Of course she didn’t.” I don’t give him a chance to speak. “She bought Momma a bottle. She’s a borderline alcoholic and sick on top of that. Jenna is helping her die!” The exasperation shows in my voice. The more I dwell on it, the more my outrage at my sister simmers. She doesn’t think about anyone else but herself.

  He places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes before he walks to the service bar where Becca is yelling that she needs service. I look over glaring at her and spin around, my eyes meeting Jordan’s stare again. His eyes slant curiously and his brows knit together. Finally, a tilted smile appears at the corner of his lips. My heart stops for a minute causing me to take a deep breath.

  Tired of this, I march right up in front of him, place my hands on my hips and spit out, “What is the deal Jordan?”

  The half-smile turns to a full smile with a perfect dimple in the center of his cheek. I falter in my accusing tone while taking a step back and quietly clarify, “One minute you’re ignoring me when I’m trying to apologize for my best friend and the next you’re smiling at me like that.”

  I take another deep breath suddenly feeling like the oxygen in the room is too thick to breath.

  His stare widens as does his smile when he states, “Has anyone ever told you how irresistible you are?”

  My heart falters at his words and I feel like my knees are about to give out. Confusion must register on my face because he apologizes, “Kimber I’m sorry for today. You caught me at a bad time. That isn’t an excuse but I do apologize for being so rude to you.”

  My anger has completely drained away and it’s been replaced with desire. Who is this perfect man sitting here in front of me? Becca’s voice at the service bar interrupts my thoughts. I quickly mutter to him, “If you’ll excuse me.”

  He nods as I turn to see what Becca wants. I’m confused and terrified and turned on all rolled up together. How can anyone elicit all of these things with just one sentence?

  “Kimber, what the hell? I’ve been here for like five minutes waiting.” I frown, unable to focus for a minute.

  “Helloooo, Kimber, I need an order. I don’t know where Derek went so could you please get my drinks for my customers?”

  I shake myself out of the trance and make her drinks. She continues talking to me but I tune her out and think about what he said to me. Irresistible, no one has ever said anything even remotely like that to me. Andrew was good with words and always made me a puddle at his feet but this is different. His eyes when he said it, spoke to me, almost more than his words.

  “Hello, Earth to Kimber. What is wrong with you tonight?”

  She looks at me as if I’m sick then she glances down the bar counter and recognition crosses her face, “Hey, is that the guy from the other night?”

  I nod and finish making her drinks. She continues to stare at him and mutters, “Maybe I’ll have to see if he needs a friend to keep him warm after I get off work.”

  I look up at her and exclaim, “No, you can’t.” too loudly. The customers sitting closest to us look over at my sudden outburst. I cower back muttering, “Sorry.”

  Becca starts laughing, “Oh I get it. He’s off limits. I understand girl, why didn’t you just say so?”

  I’m so off. Where did that come from? When I finish her drinks I step back suddenly having no desire to be here. I check my watch and find that it’s only 12:00.

  When I look back up, Jordan is getting up from his stool. He pulls his wallet out and places some bills down on the surface. When he pockets his wallet he looks up diverting his attention toward me. He smiles and stands there as if waiting for something. I slowly step in his direction. Once I’m facing him he holds his hand out, palm up. I put my hand in his after a moment of hesitation. He squeezes gently and raises it to his mouth slightly glancing my skin with his lips. Tingles from his touch seer through me, all the way down my arm. He puts my hand down on the bar, his hand lingering over it for a moment before telling me, “Kimber, I can’t stop thinking about you. I meant what I said before, you are irresistible. But I want you to know that I am very broken. I don’t know that I’ll ever be whole again.”

  He turns and strides to the door. He doesn’t look back again but I watch the entire time and wonder what this all means. Do I pursue him and risk rejection or do I steer clear of him because of his warning?

  Derek brings me back. He leans over my shoulder and tells me, “I think you should go after him.”

  I look up at him suddenly scared, my heart beating a thousand times a minute at the thought of it.

  “Kimber, you are smitten with each other. Don’t let him get away. I let your sister get away a long time ago, I’ve learned my lesson.”

  I make a split second decision, rushing around the bar and out the door. Darkness surrounds me except for the neon sign above that advertises the Duck. I scan the lot spotting him two rows back sitting in his car with his hands on the steering wheel. He looks deep in thought.

  I rush toward the car, hoping he doesn’t pull away before I can get there. When I come into view through his windshield he seems to come out of the daze. He looks up surprised and then something else crosses over his features. I stop a few feet from his car, unsure what to do next. He doesn’t give me much time to think. He gets out of his car and strides toward me.

  In one movement I’m in his arms and his lips are hovering just barely over mine. He whispers so quietly just inches from me, “I told you I’m broken?”

  It seems like a question the way he says it but I don’t care. The sheer desire pulsing through me pushes away any other thought or doubt. I close the gap, meeting his lips gently with mine. Our lips move together before he finally pushes his tongue into my waiting mouth, so softly it’s like a caress. But after a moment, something takes over and we are both more fervent in the kiss. His hands rest against my lower back alighting the tingles again with a delicate touch. I run my hands up his firm chest to his head. He moans into my mouth as my fingers glide through his hair. Something in me long asleep seems to awaken, making me more desperate for this. I kiss him harder and lower my hands down over his muscular back, finally resting on his firm ass. His hands lower at the same time sliding over my shorts, connecting with the skin on the back of my thighs. I swear just that touch back there made my panties wet. He grasps my thighs lifting, encouraging me to wrap them around his waist. The bulge against me is almost enough to make me come undone. He kisses me harder running his hands languidly up and down the back of my thighs. My breathing is completely erratic but I’m scared to pull away. I need this so bad.

  Suddenly I feel him moving us. He is walking us the few feet to the car. Once he’s even with the passenger door, I feel my back against the slick metal. He kisses me fiercely and pulls away gently. We
’re both out of breath. The only sound for a full minute is our ragged breathing. He stares at me with hooded eyes and I know he wants this just as bad as I do. He kisses me again then pulls away with a questioning look. I reach for the door in an answer. He sets me on my feet gazing down at me with so much desire. Quickly, I slide into the small opening and suck in gasps of oxygen as he makes his way around the car.

  When he gets in, he leans over, taking control of my mouth again with his as if we haven’t kissed in forever. He pulls away abruptly, takes a deep breath and puts the car in drive. A comfortable silence spreads, each of us in our own thoughts. When the car turns onto Main Street, he grabs my hand bringing it up to his lips again. He mumbles against my skin as his eyes remain on the road ahead, “Kimber Maguire, what are you doing to me?”

  Desire for this man rushes through me like a rapid flowing river. Whatever I’m doing to him, he’s doing to me just the same. He parks in the only available spot, half a lot from his motel room. I don’t bother waiting for him to open my door. I step out and close the door to find him standing before me with so much emotion. I see desire but also sadness. I want to ask him why but before I can say anything his lips are kissing my forehead and he’s asking, “Are you sure?”

  I look up as he steps back and stare unblinking, nodding slightly. He is so stunning. His chiseled jaw moves down taking my lower lip into his mouth. I’m about to melt right here in this parking lot. Doubt clouds my mind that we will even make it to his room.

  I mutter against his lips, “Jordan, we should go.”

  He understands and lifts me up. My legs wrap around him with familiarity. I think I might have an orgasm right here and now just from sheer contact. A low moan escapes my lips. He chuckles with amusement. As he starts walking toward the room, I can feel the flex of his muscles under my hands. It feels like it’s miles to the door and once we’re there, he struggles to fit the key into the handle with me still in his arms.

  Finally, as the door closes, he lowers me onto the bed. I sit there watching as he sheds his shirt. My breath catches at the sight of him. His chest calls to me. I just want to kiss every inch of muscle on display in front of me. He leans down, taking my mouth into his again. His hands move deftly to the bottom of my tank top. He lifts it over my head, forcing my arms up into the air, grabbing my wrists above my head as he drops the shirt and sliding his fingers tenderly down them. I lower them and he steps back looking at me. A smile spreads as he unbuckles his belt, lowering his jeans so he is standing before me in only boxer shorts. I’m breathless at the sight of him. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so turned on just by looking at a man before. He pulls me to my feet lowering his head to kiss me again. His hands find the button on my shorts. Once they are open, he pushes them down over my hips. I step out of them thrusting my tongue into his mouth harder. He moans and in a quick sweep, my bra is falling down my arms.

  He takes a step back once again and gazes at me with pure desire. He leans forward whispering, “Kimber Maguire, I was right, you are irresistible.”

  His lips lower to my neck as he flicks his tongue along my shoulder. I lift my hands and touch his chest hesitantly at first then more frenzied. I trace every muscle in my reach and memorize them with my fingers. His hands move lower, holding each of my breasts. His fingers move to find my nipples squeezing. It causes a ripple through me. I’m going to melt. He moves his hands to gently lower me onto the bed. When I am laying back looking up at him his eyes meet mine and propel down my body. He steps forward grasping my panties, pulling them down my legs. When I am completely naked in front of this beautiful man his stare roams over me and he smiles mumbling while leaning over me, “Irresistible.”

  He hovers over my body, leaning in to give me teasing kisses. His hand slowly trails down my body before resting on my thigh. I lift my hands into his hair concentrating on kissing every single millimeter of his mouth. His fingers finally inch into me. A sigh escapes my lips. He moves his fingers with more urgency bringing me closer.

  As I’m on the edge of the cliff about to jump, he removes his hand and takes off his boxers reaching for his jeans. I hear the tear of foil. A moment later he is hovering above me again and his lips are kissing up my neck. His fingers reach down to my wetness bringing me close again. When his fingers leave they are replaced with his hardness. I feel as if I can’t hold on any longer but he pushes into me and it’s sheer pleasure. I want more. I pull on his arms encouraging him. He pushes harder and faster making us both pant as we connect in every way possible. His tongue delves further into my mouth and we moan with the movement bringing us both to our ends. Our breath turns ragged, not even able to concentrate on kissing any longer. At the same moment he lets go, so do I. He hovers above me a while staring and kissing every inch of my face. Finally he collapses beside me and caresses my face with his finger as both of us come down and our breathing evens out.

  I turn my head after a few minutes to glance at him. He is staring at me intently with a playful smile. I ask as I roll over toward him, “What are you thinking about?”

  He grasps me in his arms and wraps his legs around mine, “I was just thinking how impossible it is to stay away from you.”

  I smile at his sweet words, “Then don’t.”

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Jordan

  As I lay here looking at this perfect creature wrapped up in my arms, I’m astounded at the reality of what just happened. She is exquisite in every way. I don’t want this moment to end but I’m not sure where we could fit together. She asked me what I was thinking about and I told her the truth. I’m not sure how I can stay away from her, especially now that we’ve shared this.

  I look down into those stormy eyes and realize that we both have demons we’re dealing with. I overheard some of her conversation with her sister today. Something about her taking care of her mom on top of her two jobs and school, I can’t imagine how hard her life must be right now with that much responsibility.

  She frowns caressing my face, “Jordan, when we were at the bar you told me you are broken. What did you mean by that?”

  I take a deep breath, not ready to share yet. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to express that part of me to her. I lean over and kiss her mouth fully. When I pull away, I roll over and get up off the bed picking up my clothes on the way to the bathroom. I know she will take this the wrong way but I can’t open myself up after what we just shared. It would be wrong. I get dressed and splash cold water on my face for a while. When I look in the mirror, I see misery. How can she see anything else?

  When I turn off the water, I hear the door to the room close. I rush in to find it empty. Hurriedly, I open the door and scan the parking lot for her. The lighting is poor. Most of the overhead lamps are burnt out. It tears me apart that I let her leave like this. I scurry out the door into the parking lot wondering where she could have gone so fast. Once I’m next to my car I squint to see into the darkened windows. It’s empty just as the room was. Making my way forward to Main Street I look in both directions for her small figure but she’s nowhere. I curse myself. I don’t even have her phone number nor do I know where she lives. I’m such a screw up.

  I head back to the room still unsettled. I just want to make sure she’s safe at least. When I get to the room, I grab my car keys and drive to the Ugly Duckling. The dash lights read 2:20. I’m sure the bar just closed. Maybe Derek will be there and he can at least give me her phone number. When I get there a petite blonde waitress comes to the door. A wide smile spreads across her face when I knock while looking through the narrow window. She unlocks the door opening it wide. I ask, “Is Derek still here?”

  She shakes her head, “Nope, he left a little bit ago.”

  She steps forward, “Can I help you?” A snide smile plays on her lips.

  I shake my head but then remember seeing her earlier talking to Kimber.

  “Do you, by any chance have Kimber’s number?”

  Her smile widens, “I do.” I
wait but she doesn’t move to retrieve it. I glance past her but no one else is in the room. Looking back to her, my impatience shows, “Well, can I get it?”

  She twirls her hair in her finger while leaning on the door, “That depends, are you going to tell me why Derek rushed out of here to go and get her?”

  Relieved to hear that she’s safe but still annoyed with this chick I shake my head. She pouts, “You’re no fun. Maybe you and Kimber were meant for each other.”

  She turns and walks across the room, leaving me standing in the doorway alone. I shove my hands in my pockets, completely pissed at myself. She had to call her sister’s boyfriend to come and get her. She will never forgive me.

  It seems like an eternity before she comes back with the number. I grasp it and leave the bar, immediately punching it into my phone, making sure to save it. Then I try to call but it just rings, going straight to voicemail. At the end of the robotic recording I clear my throat and begin, “Kimber, it’s Jordan. I’m sorry. That’s really all I can say is sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you again. I’m so sorry.” I hang up, not sure what else to say. Short of explaining things, there isn’t much I can tell her.

  The next morning, I wake before sunrise tired from very little sleep. I drive to the Bruin ranch determined to talk to Kimber today. The morning drags on while we herd cattle and tend to the horses.

  When lunch rolls around, Mrs. Bruin delivers the lunches. I should have known that would be the case. Kimber is going to do everything she can to avoid me. It feels as if years go by through the hours as they pass so slowly by, the second half of the day.

  I start heading back to the barn after fixing another part of the fence. I keep playing everything from last night through my head and every time I come to the conclusion that I am just a prick. If the opportunity presented itself today I was set on telling Kimber about Susan, whatever it takes at this point, to keep her. Damn, I sound like a petulant child with a new toy.